LearnWithGern
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Sep 29, 2010
- Messages
- 2
Okay, this may be the wimpiest thread ever on TDS. If it needs to be moved somewhere else, so be it. But this is the audience I need, I think.
I'm a pretty casual drug user. Used to smoke a lot of pot, cut back dramatically about 2 1/2 years ago. Always fond of hallucinogens, but haven't done much at all since the birth of my first kid, 12+ yrs ago. But I like drugs. Some not-so-good health stuff has befallen me as a result of my previously heavy pot smoking, so I have some regrets, but not many. Overall, drugs land on the "plus" side of my personal ledger.
I've never done heroin. Never had much opportunity, nor a burning inclination to find it. But things are a little different these days.
I recently met this girl. She is super-cool. I'm kind of in love with her. Smart, cuddly, super-affectionate... and a heroin user. I admit, I don't know much about her use, all I know is that she occasionally hangs out with her old HS boyfriend and smokes heroin and has sex with him. I'm not that hung up on the sex (yeah, I'm weird that way), but I am concerned, for two reasons:
1) I am very wary about pursuing a long-term (or even medium-term) relationship with a potential addict. I'd like to be the primary relationship in her life. I can compete, I think, with the HS boyfriend. I'm not at all sure I can compete with heroin.
Obviously, I need to learn more about her usage... how much, how often, how she handles it, the role it plays in her life. But that leads to...
2) I am worried about wanting to try heroin myself, now that I know (and really, really like) someone else who does it, and doesn't seem to consider it a problem. I have always told myself that I would never do it. I have waaaaay too much to lose. And I've been reading the threads on here, and am impressed and moved and sometimes saddened by many of them, and the cautionary tales they tell.
And yet... And yet...
Of course I want to try it. I like to try new things, particularly new things that might conceivably be the most pleasurable experience known to man. I'm wired with that kind of curiosity. Something in me wonders that I'm not missing out on one of the fundamental limit-states of human experience. If I die never having tried it, I think I'll die slightly disappointed.
This is bullshit thinking, of course. Nothing could be worth the loss of control that comes with addiction. I'd be crazy to take that risk. Person after person on this forum has said that they rue the day that they decided to see what all the fuss was about. The consensus is that, on balance, it ain't worth it.
So why is some part of me not convinced? What can I do to get that part of me to shut the fuck up? Especially when it observes that not only might I be satisfying my curiosity, but also getting closer to this girl that I'm in love with?
I know that trying heroin would be a terrible idea. But that might not be enough. My impulse control is spotty.
Can someone give a try at scaring me straight? Maybe it'd help to have someone talk to ME, directly, about this, rather than my lurking around on this forum and scrounging what wisdom and resolve that I can. I need something to hold onto and counteract me when I start to think, "You know, one time probably couldn't hurt..." I will be faced with that choice sometime in the near future.
And if I need this much support to resist it without even having tried it, well, once I try it, that could very easily be game over.
I'm a pretty casual drug user. Used to smoke a lot of pot, cut back dramatically about 2 1/2 years ago. Always fond of hallucinogens, but haven't done much at all since the birth of my first kid, 12+ yrs ago. But I like drugs. Some not-so-good health stuff has befallen me as a result of my previously heavy pot smoking, so I have some regrets, but not many. Overall, drugs land on the "plus" side of my personal ledger.
I've never done heroin. Never had much opportunity, nor a burning inclination to find it. But things are a little different these days.
I recently met this girl. She is super-cool. I'm kind of in love with her. Smart, cuddly, super-affectionate... and a heroin user. I admit, I don't know much about her use, all I know is that she occasionally hangs out with her old HS boyfriend and smokes heroin and has sex with him. I'm not that hung up on the sex (yeah, I'm weird that way), but I am concerned, for two reasons:
1) I am very wary about pursuing a long-term (or even medium-term) relationship with a potential addict. I'd like to be the primary relationship in her life. I can compete, I think, with the HS boyfriend. I'm not at all sure I can compete with heroin.
Obviously, I need to learn more about her usage... how much, how often, how she handles it, the role it plays in her life. But that leads to...
2) I am worried about wanting to try heroin myself, now that I know (and really, really like) someone else who does it, and doesn't seem to consider it a problem. I have always told myself that I would never do it. I have waaaaay too much to lose. And I've been reading the threads on here, and am impressed and moved and sometimes saddened by many of them, and the cautionary tales they tell.
And yet... And yet...
Of course I want to try it. I like to try new things, particularly new things that might conceivably be the most pleasurable experience known to man. I'm wired with that kind of curiosity. Something in me wonders that I'm not missing out on one of the fundamental limit-states of human experience. If I die never having tried it, I think I'll die slightly disappointed.
This is bullshit thinking, of course. Nothing could be worth the loss of control that comes with addiction. I'd be crazy to take that risk. Person after person on this forum has said that they rue the day that they decided to see what all the fuss was about. The consensus is that, on balance, it ain't worth it.
So why is some part of me not convinced? What can I do to get that part of me to shut the fuck up? Especially when it observes that not only might I be satisfying my curiosity, but also getting closer to this girl that I'm in love with?
I know that trying heroin would be a terrible idea. But that might not be enough. My impulse control is spotty.
Can someone give a try at scaring me straight? Maybe it'd help to have someone talk to ME, directly, about this, rather than my lurking around on this forum and scrounging what wisdom and resolve that I can. I need something to hold onto and counteract me when I start to think, "You know, one time probably couldn't hurt..." I will be faced with that choice sometime in the near future.
And if I need this much support to resist it without even having tried it, well, once I try it, that could very easily be game over.