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Help me get over being so antisocial

Anomaly88

Anomaly88

Bluelighter
Joined
May 26, 2010
Messages
283
Location
Back to Reality
Hey bluelight. I figured this is prolly the best place to post this. Hopefully i'm not breaking any rules here. Well the dark side always helps me with my problems and i figured you can maybe give me some advice on this...
Anyways, its starting to bug me. I hate it. No matter how hard I want to be more confident have better self esteem (cause i think im a fairly decent looking guy...) i just cant get up the courage to just go up and talk to people. I never really have been able to, ever since i could remember. Im so afraid of what other people may think or the fact of being rejected. So ive grown used to just being alone and sticking to myself. Wont ever get hurt if i dont put myself out there. Well... Life is passing me on and i regret it. I wish it would come easy for me but it doesnt.. Since working my stepwork i now realize why i am this way. But how am i supposed to change it? After doing the same thing for so many years its not just gunna fix itself in one day. Im a funny, loud, talkative person and pretty crazy around my close friends. But when it comes to people who i dont know very well or havent met i am really shy and i am like that until i get too know you. The reason i have such low self esteem and confidence is because of my childhood. (not trying to blame anyone) dont wanna play the blame game because it is ultimately up to me. But it is beacause of my childhood and how much physcial/emotional abuse i had been put through. I didnt mind the physical abuse as much as the emotional abuse. I can take a beating, have all my life. But fuck man.. being called so many names and hearing how worthless you are and how your never gunna amount to nothing and that your dirt and how he wishes i was never his son. Idk man... it just fucks with you.. after all i love him and kinda look up to him as a role model even though i dont want to be as miserable and hateful as he is because i have lived that life and i hate being filled with anger. But how smart he is and how sucessful hes been. I strive for that. Even though i know it wont bring me happiness i know it can help. Im a very materialistic person. Thats Prolly not good. But i am... Anyways not trying to get off topic. Back to me. After hearing all that your whole life, you just start to believe it... and its just so hard to meet people and keep a conversation going. I guess im kind of socially awkward. Its the reason why i have never really had a girlfriend and am still a virgin.. I used to take drugs to make me social and make me not afraid but that wasnt me. That was all fake... and i think with all the drug abuse it just dug and dug a bigger hole for me being so god damn anti social. I dont really know what to do anymore. I hate it. I cant stand it.. I dont know what I can do about it. I know what your thinking. Why just not try and talk to people? But its fucking soooooooooo hard. Its like im trapped... i just cant muster up the courage to do it. Im so full of fear.... and now after being almost 7 months clean im starting to realize that i dont want this for me anymore. When i was on drugs i didnt care. But now its like fuckkkk dude why i am doing this to myself. These are supposed to be the best years of my life and im just wasting them... Im sorry for the long read but man it really eats at me. :(
 
First of all, I am very, very sorry to hear about the abuse you were subjected to as a child. In this case, blame is justified. If you did not have a sensitive nature, what you went through might have turned you into a cruel person that takes it out on others but instead you absorbed the physical and mental blows and now the question is how to go about releasing them. Whenever I hear about a parent saying things like this to a child my heart really breaks. It will take a lot to undo those voices in your head but I know you can do it. Look what you've done to stay sober. You are not only a survivor, you are a person that, at a very young age, has been capable of so much introspection and healing. Don't let the difficulty you are facing now threaten everything you have fought for.

The thing is, many people have this kind of shyness. I am married to a man like that. Being extroverted is just not how we are all built. The fact that you are comfortable like that with your friends means that it is simply easier for you to be yourself with people you are familiar with. I would say that is actually more common than not. If the problem is that you want to meet new people there are some things that make it easier. One thing is to get involved with something that puts you with other people in small groups. When there is a shared activity it makes it so much easier to comfortably interact with new people. It could be anything from a volunteer activity to a community sports team.

One of the most important things is to realize that uncertainty and feeling uneasy with new people is pretty normal and to try to separate that feeling from the deeper feelings of lack of self esteem from your childhood. Maybe some therapy could help with those feelings? Another thing that I really believe in is conquering other fears, like some kind of physical fear, as a way to challenge yourself and give you a sense of confidence. Doing little things every day that make you afraid, and then getting past the fear and recognizing that you did can be really helpful overall.

I hear people say all the time here that when they were using things were so much easier emotionally. I don't believe it. I think one of the absolute hardest things to ever go through in this life is to feel like you cannot be yourself without a substance that blunts who you are. I get it that in the short term the escape is successful but then when that wears off the fears are just that much stronger. Learning to get to that place inside that no one can knock you off of, no matter what they say or do or think about you is to know true peace. You didn't get a chance to develop that place when you were young. The people you should have been able to trust were untrustworthy. The magnitude of that betrayal cannot be underestimated, but you can overcome your past.

Be safe and be strong and be patient. You are a very loveable person and you will develop your strength. Life isn't passing you by it is just happening and you are learning new ways to be. Someday, when you are my age you will be able to look back and say, "I had some really rough years, but I came through them stronger than ever." It really is a journey. The only arrival is that final one; everything along the way is dynamic and changing and fluid. Sometimes the biggest changes in life happen effortlessly with nothing more than time.<3
 
One idea would be to physically list the things you like most about yourself. Seeing written in front of you the specific things you like about yourself and the things you are good at may well make you a bit more aware of those things and help you feel more confident.

Also, some form of regular cardio or muscular exercise can really help you feel good about yourself. I had to live with my parents for a while recently as I had problems resulting form addiction and doing weights made me feel good at a time when I had no job and was in another town to almost all my firneds.

The internet can be a good tool for people who don't feel totally comfortable meeting new people. Chatting to people online for a while can make you feel more comfortabe meeting up with them face to face.
 
Hey, don't stress too much, this is something that can be changed. Yes, it may take some time to build up the confidence to be yourself around other people but it's also something that will also come naturally to you. It's just setting the gears in motion, getting the exposure with other people and addressing other personal issues within your life. If you lack self esteem, it shows through your body language and the way you present yourself. Keep in mind that nobody is completely socially eloquent, there is a little bit of awkward in us all, it's actually far more common that you would think.

Also, don't set the bar too high, going from being fairly introverted to walking up to complete strangers on the street and initiating a conversation with them is a big leap. You don't have to be the most socially likeable guy on the planet, you just need to able to be yourself. If there are things you could be doing to improve your diet and/or current exercise routine, stop holding it off. A healthy body equals a healthy mind and I know this sounds like some contemporary new-age hippie bullshit but it's really true.
 
^ I really agree about the body-mind link. Changing yourself physically be that eating healthier or exercising is going to affect your mind positively, which will in turn show in your behaviour. Even something really simple like a couple of new items of clothing can give you a small short term boost that you can build on.
 
I know how you feel, I am a very shy person but I can definitely be the life of the party around my friends. I realized it took me to start loving who I am, because I realized that's why I was so shy all the time. Self esteem is all in your head, and the way you present yourself to people is the way that they see you. I was always worried about what people thought of me, or it was just the fact I hated people especially in large groups, but then I realized it didn't matter what they thought because I think that I am a great person. My girlfriend now was new to one of my classes, and I just decided to start talking to her for no reason. It came out of no where, but hey look what it amounted to. Don't worry about the consequences of being rejected, focus on what you could be missing out on by being shy, because I think that you really have it in you to be an extroverted person and have the ability to show people who you are.
 
I think alot of people are shy in front of people they don't know. I think it stems from the screwed up childhood. My dad was an asshole abusive alcoholic. My friends at work call me crazy and I am lots of fun with them, but when I see someone that I am attracted to I clam up. I agree with the previous posters that talk about working out. That does seem to build self esteem and makes it easier to be social when you feel your best.

Best of luck!
 
I do workout and if I dont i still have a naturally built / tone / body. Its nothing about my appearence because i get it all the time like what your a virgin? Your not bad looking -_- and its like yeahhhh.... Idk it is all in my head. Because i do have the ability to be an extrovert or w/e if my life depends on it or if i have too for my job. I can be a social person depending on my mood. I talk to tons of people at NA because i feel comfortable around them and they know where i am coming from. But when it just comes to regular people and school and public places i cant. Its like in my eyes im not good enough for them. but i know i am. I am my own worst critic :| i can really beat myself up D: and like this semester or school i was looking forward to meeting people and stuff instead of just not talking to anyone but idk.. i met this one girl and got her number so she can help me study and she doesnt hardly help me or answer my questions when i text so its like fuckkkkkk you. Why say your gunna help me when your not and gunna be a huge bitch about it -_- so that kinda tore my spirits down a little bit... it doesnt help living with my brother who is so much more anti social than me, hardly even leaves the house. I think i am bad. hes like a million times worse. But it just gets old and tiring... I know if i lived with a roommate who was real social and always did things i would be right there with him or if my friends still lived here. But for me to do it all by myself is scary. I cant seem to get the courage up to talk to people. Its like i dont even know how to start a conversation or keep a conversation going. All i ever used to talk about were drugs.. even to people who didnt even do drugs. lol... embarrassing. I wear a lot of dress clothes now and cut all my hair off so i wont look like a stoner/burnout/drug addict. Maybe i thought that would make me more approachable and friendly but idk if thats working.. :\ i want to join a frat when i get in a uni so i can meet people there.. figure that would prolly be my best bet.
I can talk to people when they come up and talk to me but if its the other way around its just frightening D: but the thing is i dont ever get people to come up and talk to me.. maybe i look like an asshole? I heard before that i was unapproachable but i figured that was when i was using because i always had this disgusted look on my face and was filled with hate and anger. But i mean im trying to look friendlier? I really am a nice and caring and kind person when you get too know me.... no one just ever really wants to get to know me i guess :\
 
child abusers are scum sry to hear that man. u should try and take a public speaking course or something i dunno what to say to help u.
 
Then make it a point to go out with the friends that think you are funny. If you are around people that you are comfortable with, it might make it easier to approach girls. When you said you talk about drugs to everyone even non users that made me laugh....I could imagine. Girls like guys with a sense of humor and that can make them laugh. I think you have it in you!!
 
Yeah i guess of just being judged and them not liking me, rejecting me... I just hating putting myself out there. Makes me vulnerable and i might get hurt :| I dont have too many friends here anymore.. they moved off to colleges and im stuck in my home town. The couple friends i do have dont go to school and i dont really get to see them often unless its at a meeting. and they are just now getting clean so im not sure what they do for fun. Im more active than any of them... Just dont have any friends to do anything with really :\
 
^ One thing to remember, and tell yourself over and over again, is that when you are feeling vulnerable you tend to over-personalize every situation and think there is something wrong with you. Think about how many people you have not responded to because you were too busy or you were dealing with internal stuff of your own, or you just didn't feel comfortable yourself. All those people could be saying, "It must be me. I just don't seem to be good enough." I try to tell myself this all the time and long ago I learned that the absolute best strategy for feeling better is to make it a mission to help other people feel more comfortable. When you are in an uncomfortable situation, look around for someone else that you can see is feeling that way and go start up a conversation where you ask about them. It is amazing how much we all just want to be listened to. When you can get another person to talk about themselves it takes the pressure off you and it also serves to show you that you are definitely never alone in your discomfort.

I feel very bad for your brother. that sounds excruciatingly lonely.:( Do you guys ever talk about what went down with your Dad and how it is still affecting your life?
 
No not really. I feel bad too.. Hes been on anti-depressants ever since i can remember and he say it doesnt help. I mean all the medicines are fucking with his head and seratonin... im so against anti depressants even though i find myself depressed every now and then but i just deal with it and sooner or later get over it. Were twins and im a minute older but hes like a foot taller than me but hes always been the weak one. I guess im just a stronger person. I mean he got a lot of the emotional abuse too but i got more of the physical abuse because i always fought back and argued with him instead of running away in fear. I guess he kinda got the worse end or it affected him worse or something. idk. because he still regrets how we were brought up and put a lot of blame on that. But ever since i got in the program and worked the steps ive come to realize that it is ultimately up to me to decide how i want to live my life and i cant let that run my life and feel sorry for myself. I take it as a blessing because i am very independent because of not rly having my parents around and all that. But idk. its got its pros and cons. I forgive him but theres still some things that haunt me and i still believe.. right before i got clean i finally went off on him and whooped his ass. It was a good feeling after so many years of just taking the hits. I finally snapped and kicked the shit out of him. Now he doesnt touch me and knows better.. weve been developing a better relationship now that im off the dope but it still has its ups and downs. He tries. But when he gets drunk he turns into a dick and goes off on me.. thank god i dont live with him anymore.
 
Anomaly88 said:
But i can do that.... its that fact of going up and meeting new people that terrifies me :| I just feel awkward..
Click to expand...

you have to allow for things to happen. i havent made any friends by them walking up and introducing themselves, and that is nothing i have done either.

how do you allow for things to happen? usually by not avoiding them.

most of what we fear is the unknown, a stranger is unknown ;) but obviously you are not alone in this situation, and maybe the person approaching you feels some anxiety, likely out of fear of being themselves and being judged, but by you being yourself a reciprocation of comfort amongst one another begins.
 
Man can I relate 2 u. I also have social anxiety. I'm so shy its not funny. I find most people mistake my shyness(social anxiety) as snobbery. I am far from a snob, but I can't small talk to save my life. Idk really what else to say except you're not alone.
 
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A great book to read!

This is a good book to read! "I'm OK- you're OK" by Thomas A. Harris, M.D. It has a real connective concept that you can reflect on and helps you to be able to understand why you have certian thoughts and the un-realistic type emotions that get formed at a very young age and stay with you. Then it helps you to learn how to reprogram you're un-realistic emotional thinking, to a way of being able to evaluate or translate you're thoughts! I even re-read it again to reinforce the thoughts and reflections that came out of myself. It's one of those great, old books that has been around for years and the concepts have been in use by advertisers, counselors, Phd's, and others, etc. You will begin to see, after you understand why you think the way you do. Definitely a read from the front to back only book, so you understand yourself better! It has been a very helpful tool for many people, and it can enlighten anyone!!! It helped me a great deal and hope it can help you!
 
i found it true and helpful that, one out of four people will decide for what ever reason that they do not like me. and the same stands true for myself, out of four people, one of them for some reason i might not like either.

hah!

you gotta give people a chance to know you, it not fair for anyone to assume less of yourself.
 
^^Bluefrogger, great suggestion on the book. I remember that one from way back in the day but it is full of truth. Anomaly, that is one thing I was going to suggest that might help--self-help books and Mindfulness books. They can be good reminders to get negative thinking put in perspective.
 
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