help.. I hate myself and want to die

[JadeLA]

Yo Big Ksralyv2mch! Wow....reading your "story" brought a tear to my eye.....My story is practically identical with yours..... Struggling with Opiate addiction for 7 years...Heroine for the past couple....I met the girl of my dreams in high-school...it was love at first sight...literally....We went on dating for 5 years....I hid my heroin addiction WELL....to well......We had this perfect love life...cuddling under the stars on a blanket....love-notes...discussing marriage and kids... I gave her my ALL...I literally thought she was the 'ONE"...but as our love grew so did my addiction....it wasn't long before I was caught....she was so heart broken....I swore I would quit! I honestly thought I could quit because I loved her more then the high......I want you to know no matter how much we hurt the girl we loved more then anything in the world, it wasn't our fault....it's our addiction taking over completely....In the back of my mind I knew I loved this girl and cared about this girl more then anything or anyone....I was so in love with her i played it out in my head saying to myself..."I would rather my Mom or Dad die then my fiance"....I cared about her so much when it came down to it she came first before ANYTHING! but.....heroin.....There were months she thought I was "clean" there were months I was "clean" but somehow..someway I always went back to the black....I knew if I used I would lose my future wife.....but our addiction is SO fucking strong it doesn't care about anything but feeding itself! After years of fighting...crying...begging...promising...she got up and left me.....that''s when things took a turn for the worst....I lost my apartment, job, car, friends and family in a matter of months due to my depression and addiction....i COULD NOT watch porn for the life of me....It would only make me think about the thousands of time with my ex.....or the guy who is going to fuck my ex next...MY GIRL.....MY FUCKING GIRL. WE BELONG TOGETHER! But I THREW it away because of my addiction....I have tried to kill myself numerous times...I have tried to get "pins & needles" and overdose when I shot just to take me out of my misery....For so long there seemed no reason to live no that i lost the girl of my dreams...my future wife....What is the point to live without LOVE? My life just spiraled dramatically more so everyday.....THE ONLY fucking thing that helped me......is telling on myself and asking for help......You won't be able to quit on your own...You might for sometime but it will only be harder each day for you....I was put into a 30 Day In-Patient to deal with the withdrawals...was given suboxone....without subs or methadone I would not of been able to stay sober....the dope-sickness is WAY to intense and it's to easy to pickup and cure your sickness then stick it out.....in the inpatient I was introduced to Narcotics Anonymous....I fucking laughed at the counselors at first....How dare these people try and spit this jar-gain at me! But that same advice is what is keeping me alive today.....NA will help you Love Yourself Again....Help you Quit with the Support of People who have BEEN in Your Shoes.....not people who will judge you.....NA will help you understand WHY you hurt your girl so bad....NA will restore your fucking hope brotha....as stupid as it sounds....as cliche and fucking gay as it sounds...it's true man....Over 1 Million Addicts around the world have been "saved" by Narcotics Anonymous....Who knows big dog...maybe one day when you have that sobriety again that girl you once called your own....well maybe she will see how fucking GOOD you are doing sober and WANT YOU BACK! It's NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.......It definitely feels like it....But life is only what you make of it....You can achieve anything brotha! If you want to get your lady back and FIGHT to stay sober I believe in you....I know so many addicts who used for 10-60 YEARS and could not QUIT for the death of them....lost so many things in life...gave up so much stuff so easily....had no hope...no will to live....and today they are the fucking nicest realest people you will ever meet! No one will judge you in NA there will always be dozens of people in those rooms who have done far more horrible shit then you....murder....rape....and today they are ALIVE and Happy.....The most important thing I can tell you is....Addiction is classified as a DISEASE..in today's day and age.....a fucking DISEASE a chemical imbalance in the brain...the makes us think, say and do things we CAN'T CONTROL! If you had Cancer wouldn't you seek HELP you might be able to fight cancer on your own...but with SUPPORT you have a lot better chance at RECOVERY! Cancer is a disease.....Addiction is ALSO a disease.....our world has been studying addiction for the past 70 years....the longer the research goes the MORE the find out about addiction....it's literally an IMBALANCE in the brain.....that is UNIQUE to ONLY Addicts.....US! Love Ya Big Dog! Don't Give UP!

 

[ksralyv2mch]

all the drugs you are taking, except the cannabis, are addictive. Some, like the benzodiacepines, are even more addictive than any opiate. Are you sure you want to stop being addicted to a substance... or you just want to change one addiction for another, harder to quite, but easier to manage due to lack of stigma?

anyway, you "heard" that iboga can be dangerous. Do not just hear things, research. It is your life what is at stake. Microdosing is not dangerous on your own, as long as you really want to quit and don't try to cheat, thus is, as long as you don't use opiates or other drugs while at least 2 weeks after last iboga microdose. Are you lying to yourself or do you really want to quit? that's the question. If you are not ready, it doesn't matter what you do, how many other drugs you take or how much money you spend, it would all be a big waste that will amount to your life.

On the other hand, if you are not ready to quit for real, and therefore are not ready for iboga, you can still benefit a lot from increase dopamine levels just by ingesting a bean a day (mucuna pruriens). They are inexpensive and they work.
Here is an article describing its benefits: http://www.examiner.com/article/mucuna-pruriens-why-this-herb-can-supercharge-your-life

read that article, when it says " I cannot stress enough how important this is as your motivation, drive, and willingness to put a huge effort into something depend largely on the health of your brain, including your levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine."

...can you see how it could help someone who writes "I broke my own because I can never finish what I start"? without enough dopamine, we just can't finish what we start, because we lack enthusiasm and motivation.

if i had to describe in a single word what mucuna pruriens does for me, it would be "drive"

I know the addictive properties of benzos and gabapentin and what not and I do not think 2-4 days of using benzos is going to create an addiction (plus benzos are hard to find around here on the street... very rare to come across any for sale and I have no refills...

When I said "heard" I meant what I've "read" online about people having horrible situations with it and I saw the Vice documentary plus another where that one guy runs that clinic in Central (or is it south?) America who treats heroin addicts using Iboga. I really want to quit, I also do not have the money or the means to find Iboga for purchase. but I'll definitely check out that supplement.

Yo Big Ksralyv2mch! Wow....reading your "story" brought a tear to my eye.....My story is practically identical with yours..... Struggling with Opiate addiction for 7 years...Heroine for the past couple....I met the girl of my dreams in high-school...it was love at first sight...literally....We went on dating for 5 years....I hid my heroin addiction WELL....to well......We had this perfect love life...cuddling under the stars on a blanket....love-notes...discussing marriage and kids... I gave her my ALL...I literally thought she was the 'ONE"...but as our love grew so did my addiction....it wasn't long before I was caught....she was so heart broken....I swore I would quit! I honestly thought I could quit because I loved her more then the high......I want you to know no matter how much we hurt the girl we loved more then anything in the world, it wasn't our fault....it's our addiction taking over completely....In the back of my mind I knew I loved this girl and cared about this girl more then anything or anyone....I was so in love with her i played it out in my head saying to myself..."I would rather my Mom or Dad die then my fiance"....I cared about her so much when it came down to it she came first before ANYTHING! but.....heroin.....There were months she thought I was "clean" there were months I was "clean" but somehow..someway I always went back to the black....I knew if I used I would lose my future wife.....but our addiction is SO fucking strong it doesn't care about anything but feeding itself! After years of fighting...crying...begging...promising...she got up and left me.....that''s when things took a turn for the worst....I lost my apartment, job, car, friends and family in a matter of months due to my depression and addiction....i COULD NOT watch porn for the life of me....It would only make me think about the thousands of time with my ex.....or the guy who is going to fuck my ex next...MY GIRL.....MY FUCKING GIRL. WE BELONG TOGETHER! But I THREW it away because of my addiction....I have tried to kill myself numerous times...I have tried to get "pins & needles" and overdose when I shot just to take me out of my misery....For so long there seemed no reason to live no that i lost the girl of my dreams...my future wife....What is the point to live without LOVE? My life just spiraled dramatically more so everyday.....THE ONLY fucking thing that helped me......is telling on myself and asking for help......You won't be able to quit on your own...You might for sometime but it will only be harder each day for you....I was put into a 30 Day In-Patient to deal with the withdrawals...was given suboxone....without subs or methadone I would not of been able to stay sober....the dope-sickness is WAY to intense and it's to easy to pickup and cure your sickness then stick it out.....in the inpatient I was introduced to Narcotics Anonymous....I fucking laughed at the counselors at first....How dare these people try and spit this jar-gain at me! But that same advice is what is keeping me alive today.....NA will help you Love Yourself Again....Help you Quit with the Support of People who have BEEN in Your Shoes.....not people who will judge you.....NA will help you understand WHY you hurt your girl so bad....NA will restore your fucking hope brotha....as stupid as it sounds....as cliche and fucking gay as it sounds...it's true man....Over 1 Million Addicts around the world have been "saved" by Narcotics Anonymous....Who knows big dog...maybe one day when you have that sobriety again that girl you once called your own....well maybe she will see how fucking GOOD you are doing sober and WANT YOU BACK! It's NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.......It definitely feels like it....But life is only what you make of it....You can achieve anything brotha! If you want to get your lady back and FIGHT to stay sober I believe in you....I know so many addicts who used for 10-60 YEARS and could not QUIT for the death of them....lost so many things in life...gave up so much stuff so easily....had no hope...no will to live....and today they are the fucking nicest realest people you will ever meet! No one will judge you in NA there will always be dozens of people in those rooms who have done far more horrible shit then you....murder....rape....and today they are ALIVE and Happy.....The most important thing I can tell you is....Addiction is classified as a DISEASE..in today's day and age.....a fucking DISEASE a chemical imbalance in the brain...the makes us think, say and do things we CAN'T CONTROL! If you had Cancer wouldn't you seek HELP you might be able to fight cancer on your own...but with SUPPORT you have a lot better chance at RECOVERY! Cancer is a disease.....Addiction is ALSO a disease.....our world has been studying addiction for the past 70 years....the longer the research goes the MORE the find out about addiction....it's literally an IMBALANCE in the brain.....that is UNIQUE to ONLY Addicts.....US! Love Ya Big Dog! Don't Give UP!

I appreciate the advice bro and it makes me feel a bit better knowing there are people out there who have gone through similar situations but... she hates me basically now and so does all her friends and family members (her parents want to get a restraining order on me for her because she got caught doing heroin ONCE back in high school and they don't want their daughter getting "addicted" again.. whatever) I Stole from my girl in my addiction and that broke her.. she couldn't understand how someone who she loved so much and "supposedly" loved her so much could betray her like that and lie for so long and to her face so long... she called me a heartless sociopath and within 2 months of us "officially" ending it, she was seeing someone else, broke OUR lease early and egging me on to find a new girl cause me and her will never be together AGAIN. She says she'll talk to me over text if it's a life or death situation but besides that don't contact her or she won't respond and blah blah blah... she hates me and all chances are long gone... and so is my dope... :-(

 

[herbavore]

When you have lost everything is a really good time to build a whole new life. As long as you play and replay the story of what you lost--and the failures you perceive in yourself that made your life fall apart--you stay stuck in misery. If you can find some brief glimmer way deep inside, keep your mind focused there and think about nothing else but fanning that little flame. This is your life you are talking about. Love comes and it goes, people make horrible messes and then do whatever it takes to apologize, atone and then let it go. Start rewriting your story when you put the heroin down. Get support, don't fall into the trap of hating yourself forever and living in shame. We are human, we make terrible messes of our lives, usually in some misguided attempt at love, and we also have an amazing capacity to turn things around. I really feel like if you could take everything that is happening right now as a giant slap in the face wake up call you will be amazed at the turns your life will take.

 

[bigzip44]

man, i know how you feel. if it's any consolation, i'm certain that ibogaine works (i've done it twice) and that i feel like you feel a whole lot of the time, too. like a junkie piece of shit with zero hope and even less will to keep going. i'm sending out all my good vibes towards you and as far as your girl, i can't imagine how rough that must be because my girl is basically on the precipice of leaving my fucking ass if i can't get it together and i just keep trying and trying and trying and i think that, if i lost her like you lost yours, i'd be a goner. that's just how i feel, man. so, i understand and i'm sending my love all through these digital catacombs so that maybe you feel a sliver of a hope. be strong bro.

 

[Illegitimate soul]

One thing I want to mention here is that as a male using opioids your testosterone levels drops a lot. If your already a sensitive person these emotions are simply normal not crazy, a lot of people don't know this and think that they are wimps or cry babies. I used to cry all the time when I was using. I know this post is old so if these comments arent relevant to you personally anymore than that's great. Men if your on on dope expect significant testosterone loss. My recommendation is to either 1 get on subs or 2 methadone or 3 you could just use Kratom. Then get your testosterone level checked. If you cant afford a dr and meds for whatever reason use Keatom it cheap online and will take the edge off, it won't help with withdrawal much maybe a bit but it can help with long term mental dependency issues. I'm on suboxone long term for a few years and don't know if I'll ever stop. It's been about 2.5 years and there are still days that I doubt my existence and would just love to get high.