help.. I hate myself and want to die

[ksralyv2mch]

So quick synopsis, struggling with heroin addiction for 11 years. went to prison for 2 years, clean for that whole time and a year afterward, met girl of my dreams.. my soul mate, my literal perfect idea of a partner in life. Life was amazing! I was actually happy with everything. So what do I do? Relapse 1 month before my 3 year off heroin date. I use behind her back for a while then come clean, she helps me kick and helps me out A LOT! A few weeks go by, I relapse again and again and again... lying and lying and lying and getting worse... then stealing from her in my dope sick panic desperation... I basically drained and hurt the girl I loved more than anything else in the world because I let the addiction take over once again. I lost her, she left me and doesn't want anything to do with me which is justifiable because of everything I did to her is despicable. I am a horrible person. (before I relapsed tho, I was a great guy, and a great boyfriend)

Now I'm still deep in my addiction and my depression has gone out of control. I'm on celexa but it's pointless I just take it to not get the brain zaps. I can't forgive myself for what I did to my ex and how far I've fallen. I can't move on either I'm still madly inlove with her and it's been 6 months... she's moved on and is happy, but I don't find any other woman attractive anymore, I can't watch porn/sex scenes/romantic stuff without crying like a little bitch, I can't listen to music because most of it was "our songs" and all songs again just make me sad and my chest tighten and my throat dry.

I don't know what to do, what I did I consider the biggest sin possible, I hurt someone who genuinely loved me (and I loved her) to the point where I destroyed all that love, it was all my fault, even after having a life I wanted and was satisfied with I threw it away for dope. Obviously I'm nothing more than a junkie! I can't forgive myself for what I did and I don't see a bright future for myself, I'm a felon who is going to be stuck working minimum wage jobs, struggling to get by - alone. She was everything I could ever ask for, she was my best friend, kind, smart, funny... perfect in every way and I took her for granted.. I'm a piece of shit, truly.

The only joy I get anymore is from shooting dope because it turns off my pain otherwise I feel this ache like a piece of me is missing out and I'm incomplete and literally nothing, NOTHING brings me joy at all. Not even masturbation cause it just makes me sad, how pathetic is that? I feel like a pathetic mess and really don't want to be alive anymore.. I'm getting quite a bit of money from my tax refund and I'm scared that it's going to be the end of me... but part of me wants that to happen too. I mean I wouldn't mind...

 

[herbavore]

I can understand why you are feeling so terrible but you have to find a way to stop the shame and blame mantra long enough to re-group. The relapses have both your body and your brain in a terrible state and any thinking you do right now is going to be confused. Put a break-up on top of all that, and it is no doubt feeling unbearable. But there is one thing we humans are hardwired to do and that is survive. But if you get clean only to survive it cannot last. You have to love your life--as you did and described so well with this girl--but it was her attachment that made you love life so much. That is dangerous and fragile territory. Get yourself clean again and start to build a life that makes you happy. Then, when you love someone else, your whole world does not crumble if that changes (and it usually does for any number of reasons).

Try to focus right now on you--on getting support for getting better. So many people have been where you are and come out of it a million times stronger down the road. I know it isn't easy or simple and at this juncture it must feel impossible--but it isn't.

My son died from a drug overdose. He was quite young and most of his friends were abusing as well. Some went deep into addiction, some not. But I live in a pretty small community and I still see most of them around or hear about them and most have turned it around. It kills me that my son did not get that chance. As Steven Hawking said, "As long as there is life there is hope". I truly believe that. Take care and feel free to PM me any time. You are not the horrible person your mind is telling you that you are. Yes, you did a horrible thing. That is addiction. That is not you.

 

[ksralyv2mch]

Nothing makes me happy anymore though. Everyday is filled with just apathetic lethargy mixed with painful depression. I find no joy in ANYTHING, literally. I want to, I try to but it amounts to nothing and I can't take a break from using because I'll get dope sick and it makes matters much worse (besides I see no point in getting clean as I don't really care for my welling being anymore... which scares me)

I committed a horrible atrocity to my ex and even if I have the life I so desperately wanted and I still ended up relapsing... obviously I'll never be able to stay clean... I don't deserve happiness, I had my chance at it and squandered it and seriously hurt a beautiful person in the process. I had my chance at happiness and lost it. Not everyone is meant to be happy, cause I just can't see happiness, I don't have any goals and don't know what I want to do with my life, besides end it...

Plus, as far as getting help, I've researched a lot and my insurance doesn't cover anything and the cheapest thing I can find is 6000$ and neither I nor my family can afford to drop 6 grand without planning months in advanced... I won't do AA/NA again because it has failed me multiple times and it's not for me, every time I have tried "The Program" I have relapsed harder and disappointed more people. It is a great program and has some great ideals but also has a lot of contradictions and flaws...

I don't know why I posted on here, I guess part of me still wants to fight and live but it's fading, fast. I'm a mess, a wreck, a shell of who I use to be... I am constantly fighting back tears and in pain because everything reminds me of her and what I've done and lost... I just can't find the drive in me to care for myself or try to get better... I just want to lie down and fade away... like I said, if my Dad wasn't alive... I'd be long gone...

 

[Tacoma]

Drugs make u do terrible things it doesn't make u a terrible person. Hate to say it but dont date for awhile because when your using the drugs always win its going to take time to get through this and maybe what happened will scare u but youll be okay all wounds heal. U just gotta keep pushing through the misery nothing ever stays the same it will get better. Best wishes

 

[herbavore]

I am really sorry that you are so beaten down right now. I can feel how terrible you feel and though I can understand why and how I still don't agree with you when you say you have proven that you are incapable of staying clean. All that you have proven is that even having everything external wonderful and beautiful, there was still an empty place inside and that exposed a vulnerability. You have to feel grief for the loss, but don't lose your life over it.

Take care of yourself. We are here for you. Sometimes when you have no faith in yourself you have to just sink down and let others carry some for you. I hope you can find some peace soon.

 

[nygiants1313]

I didnt go to prison but ive experienced the rest of your life for the last 5 years. Luckily for me i moved 2000 miles away from the girl i pushed a way and had no choice to move on. They say dont get clean for other people but maybe you can use this as motivation to get clean and get her back. And if you dont get her back atleast you'll be clean and kerp pushing

 

[ksralyv2mch]

I just don't find any joy in ANYTHING anymore... And I have no hope for the future (even a clean future seems pointless) I'm losing faith in humanity and life and myself and a huge part of me doesn't want to change because I'm comfortably numb here, wasting away. The idea of dying is wonderful but I'm too chicken shit to actually do it and I couldn't do that to my dad but that doesn't mean I don't toe the line with my dosages, usually I just end up disappointed and barely high cause my tolerance is ridiculous.

Idk why I posted here, I know it all lies in me to "get better" but I hate myself and don't feel like I deserve to get better so how could I possibly get better? Does that make sense?

Hell I'm 26, never owned a single thing to my name (no car or apartment or own dwelling) never went to college, never had more than 1000$ at a time to my name, never held a job longer than 10 months, went to prison for 2 years and I have multiple felonies and extensive misdemeanors (I literally cannot get a job in retail or anything that has to do with money, my job opportunities are scarce except the food industry)

It just all seems so bleak, my future, either way you cut it.. At least with H I can have a little bit of peace. Life is about finding what makes you happy, right? Well H is all I have left to make me happy and I've caused so much damage to continue using so why should I quit so it could all be in vain??

That sounds so stupid just like how pathetic my problems are (as my buddy who is paralyzed from the waist down tries to cheer ME up... Fml)

 

[nygiants1313]

I just don't find any joy in ANYTHING anymore... And I have no hope for the future (even a clean future seems pointless) I'm losing faith in humanity and life and myself and a huge part of me doesn't want to change because I'm comfortably numb here, wasting away. The idea of dying is wonderful but I'm too chicken shit to actually do it and I couldn't do that to my dad but that doesn't mean I don't toe the line with my dosages, usually I just end up disappointed and barely high cause my tolerance is ridiculous.

Idk why I posted here, I know it all lies in me to "get better" but I hate myself and don't feel like I deserve to get better so how could I possibly get better? Does that make sense?

Hell I'm 26, never owned a single thing to my name (no car or apartment or own dwelling) never went to college, never had more than 1000$ at a time to my name, never held a job longer than 10 months, went to prison for 2 years and I have multiple felonies and extensive misdemeanors (I literally cannot get a job in retail or anything that has to do with money, my job opportunities are scarce except the food industry)

It just all seems so bleak, my future, either way you cut it.. At least with H I can have a little bit of peace. Life is about finding what makes you happy, right? Well H is all I have left to make me happy and I've caused so much damage to continue using so why should I quit so it could all be in vain??

That sounds so stupid just like how pathetic my problems are (as my buddy who is paralyzed from the waist down tries to cheer ME up... Fml)

our similarities are ridiculous

-wouldn't want to devastate my dad
-25 never owned anything
-have had 50 fucking jobs i'm not exaggerating lasting from 1 hour, 1 day, 1 week, 1 month, no more then 6 months
-no college

I've been where you have been man, i'm still semi in that stage, things are ok, might get worse or better depending on court, I hope you figure this out soon

 

[Mathew Lheureux]

Bro don't feel bad things can still get better for you, my advice would be to stop the herion cold turkey and tell all of your suppliers not to sell you anything anymore once that's done wait a week call your girl and patch things up.. oh and man I can relate to your situation ive been there plenty of times

 

[ksralyv2mch]

I can't patch things up with her, it's way beyond repair, I lied to her for 7 months about using and then stole from her and now it's been 6 months since we've seen each other... her family and friends hate me and she is seeing someone new so ... it's pointless to try back for her... I just don't see the point in stopping dope! It's the only joy I find and with out it I'd probably have multiple break downs, oh bother what's the use, thanks anyway everybody

 

[Captain.Heroin]

you can PM me

I have a little over 3 months off Suboxone

every day is still a struggle for me

have been on heroin 1 year, then suboxone for 6 years

last year I had 7 months off, then relapsed for a few months

now I have 3 months again

I feel like I've wasted so much time, I hate myself for it

 

[WantToBeReborn]

I've been in that same place of no hope and no happiness in life and just wishing for death. As Herbavore said, it is very dangerous to have all your happiness based around one person or relationship. That is co-dependence and we addicts often have a heavy co-dependence issue. I had a massive co-dependence with my partner, all my happiness in life was based around the relationship and when he died after a long illness, I fell to pieces and had a full bore nervous breakdown and stopped functioning, tried to end things and relapsed over and over and over. I thought there was no way out and that I'd never feel any kind of happiness again. I can tell you that while you continuing using drugs, happiness won't come back, they are depressants and take away our ability to feel joy. I am 8 months clean now and I feel a level of joy that I never thought possible. I have nothing now and I am working on rebuilding my life. I still feel terrible periods of grief but now I don't use drugs to numb it and I am learning to work through feelings. I am in NA, the support I have had there is incredible. It doesn't matter how many things you have in life, if you base your happiness around a person, your world shrinks to nothing when anything happens.

You are young. You still have everything to play for. You can still have a life beyond your wildest dreams. The first step is getting off drugs and starting again in life. Learn to forgive yourself. Addiction takes many things from us and we all do things we are unhappy about but that cannot define the rest of your life. The pain you feel now will lessen in time.

 

[Emerald445]

You should seek help, and let other people with clean energy help restore your own, believe that there are more chances out there for you and that this is not the last one, there is more to you than some substance, that you are not just a body but a soul needing release from this earthly poisons that surround us. I wish you good karma and liberation from something that has lead you to doubt your self in a way that indicates taking away your own life, fight my friend, I believe in you and send you love.

 

[ksralyv2mch]

Part of me wants to fight still but I'm so tired... I don't think I could kill myself while my Dad was still alive but if I just stopped caring for myself and let myself fade away or waste away it'd be the same end in the long run...

...I just have a hard time forgiving myself thus I don't have much drive to better myself and I miss her so much and everywhere I turn I just get reminders of her or how I'll never have another girlfriend as amazing as her (she was co-dependent too so it worked out pretty well, imo, when I wasn't using) but now she's moved on and I lost my best friend annd fuck... I just hate myself so much and my coping technique is to use, obviously, and it's the only joy I have left in life anymore but I just sound like a dumb broken record..

 

[David Wooderson]

Part of me wants to fight still but I'm so tired... I don't think I could kill myself while my Dad was still alive but if I just stopped caring for myself and let myself fade away or waste away it'd be the same end in the long run...

...I just have a hard time forgiving myself thus I don't have much drive to better myself and I miss her so much and everywhere I turn I just get reminders of her or how I'll never have another girlfriend as amazing as her (she was co-dependent too so it worked out pretty well, imo, when I wasn't using) but now she's moved on and I lost my best friend annd fuck... I just hate myself so much and my coping technique is to use, obviously, and it's the only joy I have left in life anymore but I just sound like a dumb broken record..

A lot of us who went down that road have had similar expeirences unfortunately. I lost imo the greatest girl for me due to opiates. I went cold turkey from methadone, survived, just to get jobs that I would never imagine having, just to reapete the same damn tragedy. All under her nose, when she found out she was crushed. I was suicidal for years, but enough time got between me and her that I no longer feel suicidal over it anymore. This morning I was having vivid memories as I was trying to sleep and they suck but I know now that I will find someone. I lost my best friends over dumb shit, it happens.

Seeing a therapist was key for me. I had a few suicide attempts during it, but therapy won in the end. Finding someone you can talk about this in crucial detail, in person, can be a big help.

I'm sober now and having a real hard time with it, but I am experienced enough now to know that any short term gain by using will be followed by a black hole that will destroy me. I don't not use because I don't think I can't control it, I know I can't and I still don't care, I do it because I want better for myself, something real that won't wear off. Its there even if I don't know what it is and can't see it yet.

You are worth more than that relationship, I bet it was indescribable, but its a fraction of what you will end up experiencing in time. Did you think when you were a kid "I want to go through some heavy shit with heroin when I get older?". no. So don't be so hard on yourself, you are still breathing and walking so you can still change everything for the better. Just small steps.

Take care

 

[ksralyv2mch]

A lot of us who went down that road have had similar expeirences unfortunately. I lost imo the greatest girl for me due to opiates. I went cold turkey from methadone, survived, just to get jobs that I would never imagine having, just to reapete the same damn tragedy. All under her nose, when she found out she was crushed. I was suicidal for years, but enough time got between me and her that I no longer feel suicidal over it anymore. This morning I was having vivid memories as I was trying to sleep and they suck but I know now that I will find someone. I lost my best friends over dumb shit, it happens.

Seeing a therapist was key for me. I had a few suicide attempts during it, but therapy won in the end. Finding someone you can talk about this in crucial detail, in person, can be a big help.

I'm sober now and having a real hard time with it, but I am experienced enough now to know that any short term gain by using will be followed by a black hole that will destroy me. I don't not use because I don't think I can't control it, I know I can't and I still don't care, I do it because I want better for myself, something real that won't wear off. Its there even if I don't know what it is and can't see it yet.

You are worth more than that relationship, I bet it was indescribable, but its a fraction of what you will end up experiencing in time. Did you think when you were a kid "I want to go through some heavy shit with heroin when I get older?". no. So don't be so hard on yourself, you are still breathing and walking so you can still change everything for the better. Just small steps.

Take care

I appreciate your vulnerability sharing all that. and everyone who has shared their experiences and wished me luck and support, I truly appreciate it, I'm just so lethargic and a bit apathetic (using heroin will do that to you) to reach out to people... but today I saw my psychiatrist and got an awesome little detox kit:

90 x 300mg Gabapentin
30 x 100mg Gabapentin ( I currently have no tolerance to this)
20 x 5mg Valium

which will be a huge help but I also acquired:

250 Loperamides (standard 2mg otc ones)
60 x200mg cimetidine (awsome for combining with the benzos or lopes...imo necessary for the lopes to work!!)

Plus a good buddy of mine brought over some top shelf medical marijuana: Rare Darkness and Purple Berry, both are strong indicas with effects that appear to me will work wonderfully during withdrawals (as sativas tend to cause anxiety...)

So with all these free drugs that just fell into my lap, I think it's the God Universe giving me one last chance to get clean with this plethora of comfort meds... I think I'm ready to start getting better...

also my psych decided to stop my celexa and switch me to zoloft.. hope it;ll work I've always been a little frightened of the hardcore antidepressants (zoloft, prozac, depakote etc)

anyone know much about zoloft??

 

[ksralyv2mch]

Glad to see your working on getting clean brother! It takes a lot of courage to do that man and I wish you the best of luck.

I also wanted to caution you in regards to some of the psych meds. I'm certainly not against you using them for a short period to help you kick but you don't want to develop a habit with any of those either. There is really a lot of misconceptions about them in general especially in regards to withdrawal and dependency (not addiction). I would encourage you to do your own research but Id hate for you to just have to kick something else that can be pretty fucked up in a lot of ways after kicking h. As you probably know, benzos are hell coming off of and its easy to get hooked on those too. Gabapentin can be tough too, so I would avoid much longer than a week on it. I think I saw a thread about it and nothing seems to help it. Even ssri's can be very tough to kick. People complain of the withdrawal lasting months and sometimes years from some of this stuff. I think that most of these medicines cause some very significant changes in brain chemistry and are generally bad news. Just my .02 tho...been down that road and wish I never would have.

Feel free to contact me if you need something. Keep your head up!

Well I've been on celexa for 4+ years now and it seems to not be working as well as it use to so my psych is switching me over... I know to make sure to not develop a habit... I'm basically just going to TRY to comatose myself for the first couple days with the gabapentin (and the valium sparringly) I hope to not use the loperamide but I know I'll probably end up doing a small taper with those but the first couple days I'm going to be taking gabapentin and small amounts of valium (5mg) cause they synergize from what I understand...

anyway thanks again

 

[cosmic._.ape]

you guys have to increase your dopamine levels. For some, it takes much more than exercise and good diet (although they are essential too)
mucuna pruriens is a kind of bean that increases you dopamine levels. Check it out and try to buy the whole beans, to avoid adulterations or impurities.
Other than that, try and consume regularly celastros paniculatus seeds, they will make you feel smarter and better

also, you can try a microdose regime of iboga, search for it on the net but, with this one, make sure you read anything there is about it, as it has some counter-indications and you have to be sure you know how to use it, which dose etc

i've been a daily opiate user for a decade, and 3 months after quitting i was still feeling like shit, zombified, insomnia, fatigue, irritable... you name it.
Then i started taking the mucuna pruriens and in a week i was feeling better. I added the brain tree seeds to my diet and I felt almost normal, just a bit of restlessness.
After a week taking microdoses of iboga i felt better than ever.

 

[ksralyv2mch]

I've heard iboga can be dangerous and that it's not advised to do it while alone.. I have a bit of DMT (about~.1g) IDK if that'd help at all when I am kicking...

but I also bought some xanax bars but they don't have any imprint.. my buddy who bought some (he sold me from his personal stash) says they work, they are just from Mexico (we live REALLY close to the border) and I took 400mg of cimetidine this morning then 5 mg of valium.. felt groovy.. shot up a bit.. didn't feel much (either my tolerance is stupid high or this dope sucks.. it is tar soo *shrug*) then I took a quarter of one of those bars on an empty stomach and I think I'm feeling a new bump of my benzo high (the valium was starting to "plateau" as I call it i.e when it stops being semi-euphoric and fun and you just have residual relaxation and blab the truth sometimes lol)

But I think I'm going to do another shot... this is my last day with dope and I Want to have a day where I am out of my gourge!! Then tomorrow it is cotton shots and cimetidine and benzos... then by night time, no more cottons. Gabapentin time.... take a bout 1200-1500mg and BAM knock my self out til the next morning where I'll probably be sick but hopefully gabapentin will do it's wonderful opiate withdrawal cure magic... but I also have 250+ lopes ... I feel ready.. I'm not too scared what with all my meds I have now (LEGALLY) and the bud too... one step at a time:

-Get Clean
-Work out (Job??)
-Stack money.
-Counseling

Also I hope my new antidepressant works... Celexa use to do wonders for me! Now it's useless but I also believe antidepressants only help you 50%, gives you a little extra push but YOU gotta pull yourself up the rest of the way... Which is the hard part for me ... I can't find the drive in me cause of the guilt of losing the girl of my dreams.. but she has moved on so now it's time i do too.. right?!...

no body broke my heart... I broke my own because I can never finish what I start...

 

[cosmic._.ape]

I've heard iboga can be dangerous and that it's not advised to do it while alone..

I also bought some xanax
I took 400mg of cimetidine this morning
then 5 mg of valium..
felt groovy..
shot up a bit..
then I took a quarter of one of those bars on an empty stomach
a new bump of my benzo high
I think I'm going to do another shot...

Then tomorrow it is cotton shots
and cimetidine
and benzos...
then by night time Gabapentin time....
take a bout 1200-1500mg
BAM knock my self out til the next morning

gabapentin will do it's wonderful opiate withdrawal cure magic...
I also have 250+ lopes
Also I hope my new antidepressant works... Celexa use to do wonders for me! Now it's useless but I also believe antidepressants only help you 50%, gives you a little extra push but YOU gotta pull yourself up the rest of the way... Which is the hard part for me ... I can't find the drive in me cause of the guilt of losing the girl of my dreams.. but she has moved on so now it's time i do too.. right?!...

no body broke my heart... I broke my own because I can never finish what I start...

all the drugs you are taking, except the cannabis, are addictive. Some, like the benzodiacepines, are even more addictive than any opiate. Are you sure you want to stop being addicted to a substance... or you just want to change one addiction for another, harder to quite, but easier to manage due to lack of stigma?

anyway, you "heard" that iboga can be dangerous. Do not just hear things, research. It is your life what is at stake. Microdosing is not dangerous on your own, as long as you really want to quit and don't try to cheat, thus is, as long as you don't use opiates or other drugs while at least 2 weeks after last iboga microdose. Are you lying to yourself or do you really want to quit? that's the question. If you are not ready, it doesn't matter what you do, how many other drugs you take or how much money you spend, it would all be a big waste that will amount to your life.

On the other hand, if you are not ready to quit for real, and therefore are not ready for iboga, you can still benefit a lot from increase dopamine levels just by ingesting a bean a day (mucuna pruriens). They are inexpensive and they work.
Here is an article describing its benefits: http://www.examiner.com/article/mucuna-pruriens-why-this-herb-can-supercharge-your-life

read that article, when it says " I cannot stress enough how important this is as your motivation, drive, and willingness to put a huge effort into something depend largely on the health of your brain, including your levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine."

...can you see how it could help someone who writes "I broke my own because I can never finish what I start"? without enough dopamine, we just can't finish what we start, because we lack enthusiasm and motivation.

if i had to describe in a single word what mucuna pruriens does for me, it would be "drive"