It looks to me that a lot of people leave without feeling much deeper sense anyway. Perhaps it's pointless to leave early but perhaps at some point you can also realise that your decision to come at the time you've come was wrong too. Every day I wake up, I am depressed and it's mostly because the way this world functions makes it almost impossible for me to be truly happy and satisfied. I'd love to help change this world but I have a feeling that trying to do this might actually be pointless, the majority of people are so rooted in the system of this malfunctioning world that the chance they will kill me at some point after I start "helping" them is very high. I've realised that the foundations of our world are wrong and it's never going to be all right unless we erase them completely, because they are there only to divide. Money doesn't matter, social status doesn't matter, basically all the stuff you're made to believe matters in reality doesn't matter at all. Yet if you decide to live in this world, you have no choice but to pursue them anyway, otherwise you won't survive. And does it matter to survive?
Yah, I wonder the same things, and feel the exact same way. It's really hard to keep on in this world. I think about killing myself pretty frequently. If it weren't for the nagging suspision that I will not be escaping anything, but will have to deal with the same shit in possibly more abundance I don't know that I would still be here. A thought popped into my head today that "you won't be happy until you are dead or locked back up again will you". I just can't figure out a way to "be" in this world. I just don't fucking get it. I can't even seem to communicate about anything real with the vast majority of people I come in contact with. It's like we are living in two different worlds.
I took ~30mg each of 2c-e, 4 aco dmt, and mxe rectally a few years back. I asked to see the people/entities or whatnot that are my "family" and that help me and watch out for me. Almost immediatly I felt more than a few "prescenses". Began to communicate, then my cat freaked out, I freaked out, ended up eating like 60mg etiz (give or take, still not sure). Literally laid down and willed myself to sleep with the encouragement of a group of "entities". Like it was like "5,4,3,2,1 sleep" but I retained full conciousness. I guess like WILD or yogi type sleep. I remember immediatly being surrounded by a lot of "things/people" in some type of chamber. They were like "what the fuck are you doing here again, what is it with you and these drugs, you need to be living your life, you signed up to do this shit so do it"
There is a whole lot more to that, I get bits and pieces remembered every once in a while. It seemed completely serious while also being the grandest joke ever. Like they were SUPER pissed, and then started laughing the more I was sorry/ashamed. Like it's JUST A FUCKING PLAY TO ENTERTAIN US. Was weird. I begged for permission to experience what there was to be experienced for just one night. Remember doing all type of shit with a bunch of people who seemed suprised I didn't remember them or know what the fuck was going on. Kept going back to this chamber type place, almost like I was having my progress reviewed by a panel or something. Telling me what I was supposed to be doing with my life etc etc.
At the very end, whatever they were telling me/showing me had me cowering down, huddled in a ball, begging and pleading "just let me go back. I won't do it again, I'm sorry. Please let me finish what I started, please let me go back"... then I woke up and it was like 10 hours later from when I started the whole ordeal. I think about it sometimes, wondering if I was given the choice to die or come back at that point. It really seems like it. Whatever the fuck was going on, after what seemed like an eternity of experiencing what there was to see in the vastness of reality/theuniverse etc, I chose, nay, BEGGED to come back to my shit life here on earth. Like, out of all the shit there is to do in the entirety of existence, this is exactly where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing. It's so fucking weird to think about.
Oh, when I woke up there was a huge hole in my wall I don't remember making. About ten days later this hole played a very strange piece in the "you are going psychotic from using way to many drugs and not giving a fuck and now it's time to go to prison" play that is my life. As in, if that hole had not been there, there is a very large likely hood I would not be a convicted felon right now. Then again who knows what else could have happened? It's fucking uncanny the way the pieces fit together though.
I said all that to say this. Maybe it's okay to suicide, maybe it's not. I have no clue. This life is so much pain, it seems so foreign and wrong. I have to keep holding on though because of shit like what i just wrote. There is too much in my life screaming at me that I am here to fucking do something... Maybe it's different case by case, but I feel that even though it doesn't seem like it, this life is such a blessing of opportunity to grow and learn that we will immediatly laugh about when we leave.... So maybe it's the same for you, for all of us. We're all supposed to be here. Or maybe some of us are supposed to come, say fuck it, and leave early. Who knows, I guess I will hold on as long as I can.
or maybe i am just a rambler and make no sense. Move along, there is nothing to see here. Continue on with your dreams of oil and iphones and vapid glittery gold goodness.
/thread derail
