Help! Experienced girlfriend acting so conservative

[cluelessman123]

So long story short: I love my girlfriend immensely and we have a great connection but there's something that, unfortunately, bothers me and that is how conservative she is when it comes to sex.

We've been together for 3 years now and I'm really happy with our relationship. Everything apart from the sex is great.

We met in the US as foreign exchange students (we're both European; she's from southern Europe and I'm from the north) and we were friends for a few months before dating. During the time of just being friends, we had played a drinking game with other friends whereby we would admit to the kinkiest, naughtiest things that we'd ever done and she surprised me (in a good way) with what she admitted to. She had done lots of fun, but safe, things whereas I had not done much. I didn't tell her but she's my first proper girlfriend in terms of sex (I waited for the right person - that sounds weird coming from a man, right?).

She even did a few naughty things whilst we were in the US and were just friends but not with me. For example, she was old enough to go to the bars and I was only 20 at the time, which sucks in the US, and got drunk and slept with a stranger in a hostel in a room with other people sleeping whilst I stayed in the same hostel in the room that we had actually booked.

But here's my problem.

Since we've been dating (3+ years now) she hasn't wanted to do the same type of things with me. I mean, we have sex but maybe only once or twice a week (at the start we would have sex daily) but we don't do any of the naughty things that I know she has done with other men.

Because she's effectively my first, I feel like I want to try everything... everything! I want to do all the naughty things - but I want to do them with HER. However, she doesn't want do do those kind of things anymore. She doesn't really want to have sex more than once a week and even then I have to do all the work. She gives little effort and never wants to try anything new; always the same position with me on top.

I've been trying to encourage her to do naughtier things - maybe just changing positions (is that even naughty?) or maybe kissing in the park on the way home from a night out - but she really doesn't have any care to do these sorts of things anymore. The most frustrating thing is that the aforementioned hostel hook-up that I mentioned was only 2 months before we started dating. Could she really have changed so quickly?

I know that she had two long-term relationships before me and did fun, naughty things with her partners then - but not with me??

So what gives?

I'm struggling to get over the fact that she did fun things with other men in the past yet not with me, her boyfriend of 3 years. Will I have to put up with once a week sex and no experimenting for the rest of my life? Because I'm madly in love with this girl but the fact that I know she used to like doing naughty things and has many happy memories doing them but I won't be able to make the same memories now because she's over that and that is killing me inside.

I really appreciate any advice, especially from females, because I'm struggling here! I love this girl and want to be with her forever. But does that mean a boring sex life forever?

PS: I don't want to cheat on her because I love everything about her. I want to be with her for the rest of my life but the jealously is eating at me because I want to be able to do the same things with her that she has done in the past.

PPS: I'm 23 and she's 26 - we were 20 and 23 when we first met.

 

[llama112]

Why are you jealous? It doesn't seem like she's cheating on you so why be jealous when she's only with you?
She seems like she's matured since then and isn't as interested in being all wild and crazy anymore. But you, being younger and less mature, you're still interested in all that. You've got to talk to her about that and compromise, find a "happy medium".
Have you encouraged some different things? I mean, if you're expecting her to initiate what you want, well you need to try. I mean, I'm not sure exactly what you've tried and what you haven't tried so I'm just throwing ideas out there. But if you want something different, you've got to take the initiative and go for what you want. Different setting. Whatever it is. It's worth a try, right?
Maybe she thought starting a relationship with you would be a good, serious, stable relationship, none of that crazy stuff, since you didn't say anything at first. And now you've changed to want all these things?

 

[cluelessman123]

Thanks for the reply, llama112.

I haven't just started to want to do these things, I've been the same since we first started dating but I ignored it for the past 3 years because I was so madly in love with her. I still very much am but for some reason, I feel like I have missed out now.

Recently I brought this issue up with her and she said that she wasn't into these things anymore but she didn't seem to think that there would be a "happy medium", as you put it. I guess this is why I'm feeling worse about it now because she knows what I think but doesn't think that she needs to change anything.

If a friend mentions anything naughty about sex, she's just going to think about her past experiences and none of them will be with me.

I know that it's probably just me being stupid (as per usual) but how can I possibly think of anything else? I think about something that I would like to do with her and then reality hits me and I remember that she isn't going to want to do it and then I think about her enjoying this "something" with someone else.

You'll probably say that I'm insecure but I honestly don't think I am. I think that she had this exciting part of her life sexually and is over that but has no care in the world for me to enjoy mine. Isn't this selfish of her? Or am I being stupid?

I really desire to do exciting, naughty things with her because I'm madly in love with her but it's like I'm not good enough to enjoy an exciting sex life with her.

I'm not sure what I can do other than put up with feeling bad or break up with her if she still doesn't care. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because I feel like she's the only woman I need in my life.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Hi cluelessman123

I can relate to your situation as Im in a similar situation to yours, but with one very important detail changed.
Same age/age difference as you, been together 4 years, shes my first serious gf and the first (and only one) that I have had sex with.
She on the other hand, is much more experienced than me, as shes been in some relationsships before and had several one night stands too.
The aforementioned detail is the fact that she wants to do kinky stuff with me too but I can imagine how I would feel if she didnt and that must be pretty hard, knowing that she had done some kinky stuff with others but dont want to do them with you, for whatever reason.
I think you should talk with her about it and maybe even show her what you wrote here if you are having a hard time explaining this face to face even though it sounds like you have already tried that, at least to some degree.
If the reason why she doesnt want to get kinky with you is because she has outgrown stuff like that, well, then there is really not that much you can do about it as you should always respect her boundaries, but at the same time you got to reach some kind of mutual "agreement" that you can both be happy about.
If you cant do that then I think that this relationship will be running its course soon as you both have to be happy about your relationsship and for most people, the sex part will be a major factor in the overall quality of the relationship.
I dont know man, its a tough one for sure and I wish you and your gf the best of luck and I dont think you are "being stupid" at all.

 

[sexNcandy]

You need to tell her to cut the crap.

She's not very attracted to you sexually and that's all that is happening. You are not turning her on much, and she's viewing sex more as an obligation than something fun. She's trying to get it over with doing something basic and ending it.

Maybe she likes "other things" in you and not your sexual abilities... maybe you are just downright bad in bed. Maybe she only likes the "kinky" stuff with a certain type of men, that is more masculine (I'm just speculating, don't get offended) and makes her feel submissive and you ain't it.

Who knows? I don't but I had a lot of trouble navigating through the bullshit in this thread. Are we talking about anal sex or what?


Maybe you've gained weight, maybe you are not taking care of yourself, maybe you aren't good in bed, or your style doesn't match hers, maybe she wants to be in a relationship with you but not for the sex. Either way you should dump her quick, go out and have the crazy wild experiences that you are craving and become better in bed.

Oh, and yea, on another note it's really weird that she would have anal with a guy she doesnt know in a crowded hostel room but hasnt put out to her bf of 3 years. What the hell are you doing?

 

[Azure Cloud]

Is she on birth control medication? The sad irony for a lot of women on birth control is that the medication literally takes the wind out of their sexual sails.

 

[JWills20]

Are you 100% sure she has actually done this stuff? In rowdy party situations, where everyone is drinking, I've seen people admit to doing crazy stuff which I could kind of tell was a lie. They're just drunk and trying to like fun and interesting. Perhaps she's never done these things nor is she interested in them. Have you talked about sex much at all? Like properly talked about it?

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Talk to her, tell her how you feel and that you want to experiment!