Help dealing with mental/ physical symptoms after OD attempt + benzo withdrawal?

[kace]

Please anyone who's going through benzo withdrawals tapering or survived an overdose attempt- how do you do it? How do you deal with both the physical and mental pain?
This is the first minute I've had the mental capacity to write a post and my first thread I think.. I'm sorry if this is too long- basically--

Benzo withdrawal taper changed > betablocker suicide attempt week ago> how on earth to deal with it and the unbearable physical and mental symptoms?!

I've had to explain benzo withdrawal to so many people including professions.. but they are worse than ever and I don't think I can go on. BL please help?

Mental symptoms- (A lot I can deal with, it's mostly the mood swings and suicide thoughts which are worrying me most)

-Horrendous mood swings (laughing, then 5 minutes later completely breaking down and crying, then not feeling anything, then repeat)

-Suicidal thoughts, now so scarily rationally planned. I've got till tomorrow to decide (Plan A/ Plan B)

-Obsessive mind loops between Plan A or Plan B

Not so bad but still:
-I have constant verbal depressive thoughts which spurt out like verbal diarrhoea. I can not cap these thoughts, they just come out of my mouth instinctively- so bad when around other people! If you have seen the Invention of Lying, I feel like all the characters were it is physically impossible to lie till one day one guy cracks it.. I can't stop the depressive suicidal thoughts come out though, I know moods are contagious, so many people are suffering or trying to deal with their own problems I can't put this on them..

-Scared/can't to sleep as no electronic devices on any sound wake me up.

-Scared/ can't eat despite me trying and trying. I tried again but I'm in physical agony right now in my abdominal area.. My body feels so deprived but I can't eat anything.

-Really bad short term memory. So bad, feels like dementia.. I now finally really appreciate typing and writing as you can go back and try and make things make more sense.

Not bothering me, at all, but-

-OCD back. Actually I thought it was helping me get back on track, but I think doing all nighters to clean and just not eating is what might be doing this??
-Slight aggression (Not much of a problem as I've never been an aggressive person so a tiny bit is manageable/ much more easy to deal with them depression and suicide)
-Not eating is triggering eating disordered thoughts back.

Physical symptoms-
-Painful stomach (atm ouchhhh)
-Dizziness
-Random pains over body
-Can't eat (no appetite but trying to eat results in me getting painful stomach cramps/ being sick)
-Really struggling to sleep (Had to overtake valium and weed to rest)
-Muscles so weak, struggling to stand up and walk
-Vision black outs/ tunnel vision (horrible working on the bar)
-Feeling like your going to pass out
-Hot/ Cold flushes
-Pins and needles/ dead limbs constantly (can't remember the fancy name for it thanks to me fucking up my memory)
-Dehydration no matter what
-Hyperventilating and struggling to breath (not panic attacks tho :/)
-Low heart rate
-Low blood sugar
-Shaking

There's more, but these are the ones I'm feeling. Can deal with most of them, but on Wednesday it just got a bit too much feeling them all, phoned nhs direct again and they wanted to send me back to hospital but convinced them my friend would look over me.

The one thing keeping me normal is the stable rational mindset I'm in, and when I made a mental list of reasons to and to not do it. Quick conclusion that 1/3 of life is shit, but the other 2/3's (and of course there's more) are definitely worth trying and reaching out once more.

I don't want to give in and do it, but it's so tempting considering the docs were silly and gave me the exact same medication I overdosed on the day after, there is so many and I have them and I know know that x3 of a months supply is enough.

Is there anything I can take to help ?? Please anything?? Music, weed, being by myself is helping at the moment, but my moods are so unstable. First time I've been by myself and I know if I get low again I will just want to self harm so badly.. Never really done it or understand it but I get it now.. I just need a release, the valium isn't doing shit for me now it feels.. But I'm not sure if thats the problem or if I'm just getting over the overdose?

Please help me.. I feel more stable posting this, but googling and reading hard facts keeps making me breakdown. How long will a betablocker overdose take to get over? I know I made it worst by having to go cold turkey for 5 days after the OD (financial reasons). Have I fucked my heart up forever? And my stomach? Will the pain go away soon? I know benzo withdrawals= up to 2 years which I've gradually accepted, but just make me want to kill myself I guess..

I'm going to try and get a docs appointment tomorrow hopefully if they are open.. I don't have enough benzos to get me through, and the mood swings and depressions are so intense. I don't think I want to die, just the symptoms and bad mood swings are really really making me want to on Xmas.

Btw I thought they had to keep patients who OD in for a certain amount of time? I feel like I bluffed the doctors but I was so honest, when I can think rationally, I guess I come across as normal.. got the "Green to go" from the mental health team there so quickly, I thought they would section me.

I promise I will I never write a desperate new thread begging for help.. just .. I don't know what to do. The pills are right next to me. :/

Just wanted to say a big thank you to anyone who has ever replied to me or bothered reading my scatty posts. It means a lot and I would be wellllll gone if it wasn't for good people.. I hope you all are happy and good luck for the next year.

Sorry if none of this makes sense. I've been trying to make it make sense but rereading is making me breakdown for the millionith time for day. At least everytime I cry I feel numb afterwards.

Seriously, what's wrong with me? Other than the obvious?

I will shut up now. Peace x

 

[Pagey]

This brings back powerful and awful memories. Benzo withdrawal is horrendous but all you're experiencing is absolutely normal considering the situation.
I find that physical symptoms are a billion times easier to deal with. First of all - you said you still have some benzos, work out a taper plan. Start taking them again, in lower doses, but make sure you're not quitting cold turkey as that can be extremely dangerous. I had a seizure two weeks later, so you can't even be sure you're safe if you get through the first few days okay. I can understand just wanting to be over with them immediately but it's for your own good.
Just remember the pain is only temporary, and PAWS will only last a few days after which it'll improve very quickly.
Indulge yourself. Don't be scared to sleep because you don't know when you'll wake up. If you need to sleep, sleep. Depriving yourself will only drag out the process. The important thing to remember is not to force yourself to do anything, just do whatever makes you feel better at the moment (aside from taking a shitload of benzos or other drugs...obviously).
Take a warm bath. Listen to calming music. Anything to get out of your head.

My advice is mostly the same for the psychological stuff even though I always have a ton of trouble dealing with it...Remember it's temporary and treat yourself for a couple weeks.

 

[kace]

Thank you Pagey! I've read and related to a lot of your posts. Yeah that's what I'm trying to rationalise- it's just withdrawals plus the overdose right?? Agreed on the physical being much more easy to deal with, aside from the seizures (that fucking sucks you had one too ) I had one last month, so, so horrible and I'm sorry you've had them too. Scariest moment of my life, knowing something was coming, wouldn't put anyone through that. I'd never willingly do cold turkey again if it wasn't for money.

I've been seeing substance abuse services plus a doctor for a taper since that happened. I thought the PAWS would be over after cold turkey and then being put back on them. I was so much happier/ coping pretty well for the first 3 or 4 weeks, then as soon as the other doctor significantly reduced the dosage, BOOM all the mental full on benzo withdrawals came back, minus the physical anxiety symptoms thanks to the betablockers, so thought I was okay till I snapped last Sunday and tried to end it again.

I wish I could indulge myself.. food used to be the option but a bath sounds like a brilliant option.. Candles and incense and maybe a spliff.. Thanks for that idea. It could help me sleep too?? I just wish I could, but I'm terrified as on the valium nothing at all wakes me up unless people physically shake me.

You're right. I need to figure out how many I have left, I'm on a tapering plan but after the OD have been taking more then I should have, so will run out.. But will double double check. The thought of not having them and going through that again, no, no, no. The only problem is I don't think the prescription is high enough (it's from the doctors), in comparison to what I was taking myself. I'm tempted to self medicate with either more benzos or a small amount of ketamine for the depression/ mood swings, but in moderation, not for recreational purposes.

I just feel so sick and nauseous at the moment. Before the OD the amount was okay, was doing well, I think it might be the OD which is messing with me more? I don't know. I wish it were over. Well not really. I wish I could just wake up in 2 months and be normal-er? Ha..

Thank you so much for replying. Sorry about this scatty long reply.. My brain is so messed up.

Wait, sorry, edit-
Can I ask you a question? (Well another)
Is life okay without them?? How are you? Is it really worth it? :/

I just know all the underlying problems are coming back which in my drug haze thought I'd cured, but tapering back is making them come back.. And I'd rather be on a small amount of something than have to deal with an eating disorder, agoraphobia, distorted body image/ my disfigured face, OCD, paranoia, anxiety, depression.. Life is better and not (as) painful on drugs.. :/ I want to give up tomorrow but I can't do that to people. But the temptation is so overwhelming. I wish I had given the x3 28 40mg of beta blockers to someone so they weren't so fucking tempting, but I have a family and I will ruin their boxing day.. Argj...

 

[Pagey]

Ah yeah, sounds like your doctor made the taper go way too quickly...that sucks. Yeah, the overdose is definitely making all the symptoms way worse for you as well - when I woke up from mine I pretty much couldn't move for two days, so combine that with withdrawals and you're in living hell. The 'good' news is you should start noticing improvement pretty quickly.
Yeah I think the bath and a general relaxing atmosphere could help you sleep. I can imagine you're probably getting a shitload of rebound anxiety so hopefully it'll make a difference. For sleeping maybe try some (light) sleeping aids? I use melatonin, it's really not strong at all but it's good enough to put me to sleep for a few hours.
It sounds like your doctor isn't doing great with your taper schedule if you're still un full-blown withdrawal + don't have enough left. Cuold you either try to find another one or discuss options with your current doctor? It's not safe for you to be goign this quickly...

But yeah as I said the OD is definitely making things way, way worse

Regarding how life is without the benzos...I can honestly tell you I'm SO happy I got off them. You've got no idea how much things are going to improve for you once you're clean. When I was on xanax I lived in this constant sort of fuzzy haze, I wasn't entirely aware of anything, I kind of floated through the days like a zombie - couldn't concentrate, much less remember anything, couldn't speak properly or have a real conversation with anyone, lost interest in absolutely everything...it was tough at first to learn to cope with things without drugs again but in the end it's so, so worth it. Benzos drain you of life, and you're gonna get to live again - trust me. You'll be glad you went through this in the end, not to mention proud of yourself for surviving.
Just be careful not to trade this addiction for another please - I turned to opiates partly to help me with the dragged-out benzo withdrawals in the couple months after I quit and now I'm stuck with another problem.
But you'll see, being sober from benzos is being born again.

Feel free to PM me if you wanna talk. I know you'll be okay

 

[Captain.Heroin]

For harm reduction's sake, overdoses often don't work due to tolerance, so please try to use your medications/drugs more responsibly in the future.

I am hoping you have a good holiday season for what it's worth and you are always welcome to PM me!

 

[HereIam]

Kace,
And here I thought I was clever, I have been hoarding my beta blockers for awhile, knowing I will end the pain someday soon.
I thought what a novel way of doing this, and you stole the idea--lol
I feel your pain, and I sincerely hope the best for you.
Reading your post made me feel like a kindred spirit, I hope you are doing better. I'm afraid of trying and failing, thinking they will take away the drugs I need to face this world, and have no way out.
Anyway, take care of yourself, you are going through a lot