Hello

[play_dead79]

I am a mom of 3, my oldest is 20, my middle is 13, and my youngest 10. I just recently ended a very abusive relationship of 14yrs. He was physically, mentally, verbally, and emotionally abusive. He is also the one who got me to try drugs. The first drug I ever tried was pot, he looked at me and said "r u high, wait, u don't even know what high is." The next was coke, which led me to use for a year and half before I put the straw down. I have some pretty bad medical issues, I've dislocated both of my knees in my freshman hr of high school. Along with that I have degenerative disk disease, fibromyalgia, arthritis, severe depression, and generalized anxiety disorder. Plus in 2007 I survived a DVT which almost killed me, took them a week to find it. The pain I have from my back and the fibro and my knees caused me to have a pain pill addiction which I am still battling. Didn't help when he would buy more for me when I would run out. I started out on darvacets and then moved to vicprofen 7.5 to hydro 10's to perc 10's, all 4x a day. They we're supposed to last a month but I never made it that far. Got worse when I started snorting them. I was using up to 20 perc's a day. Fucked my nose right up. He got straight for a while except for the suboxone, which he became addicted to and then was also selling, when at the beginning of this yr he started to drink again. That became my hell. For the month of January he drank 6 bottles of bourbon, and not the little ones either. The more he drank, the more cruel he became. I started going to church with my best friend and he would tell me it was ok to go but then bitchbwhen I got home. One night after he had been drinking, he attacked me in front of our girls because I was texting my best friend, but he thought we we're sleeping together because she gay and he wouldn't even look in my direction, let alone touch me. His extreme jealousy got in the way of everything. We split up, he leaves, he comes back after begging and promising to change, I fall for it. Things we're ok until February hit, he had gotten his hands on meth. I knew he was high the minute I walked through the door. I told him he didn't need that but he insisted I try it. Damn peer pressure! I knew from the first line this shit wa gonna be trouble and I told him that. I liked it way too much, and so did he, more then I to be exact. We needed up splitting up for good in April and I started a relationship with my best friend, now my gf. I didn't have an issue with method until the day he moved out, he and I both wanted something to ease the pain one last hoorah before ending it, so again he got us meth. But this time was different, it was like it was stronger, we both did our half and then the next day I was craving more. I ended up getting another 8 of my own and using that over the course of 2 weeks. I swore it off after I used my last bit, or so I thought. Now here I am, in October, wide awake when I should be sleeping, missing the abusive asshole and getting ready to do another line. I don't know how much more I take of this. Each time I go off, I end up getting it again and each time it just gets worse. The last stint lasted a month and I lost almost 40, and i'm a big girl, well not now. My family is worried, my gf is worried, and my kids don't understand what's going on with me. I know i'm killing myself but I can't stop. The last time I quit it, I was 45 days sober, and then my birthday hit, and guess how I celebrated. and for those who say why didn't u just leave him, I tried to but he was actually the hardest drug I ever had quit. He made me feel like no one else would want me so I always wanted to stay with him. Bit I knew he would eventually kill and that's why I finally got out.

 

[Jabberwocky]

play_dead79 - Thank you for the introduction.

I'm so glad you finally got out of that relationship. He seems like a very controlling person. People need to spread their wings and fly.. come home when it's time.. not be subjected to abuse. Listen, i too am doing lines of meth tonight. It's a nasty habit, and i urge you to visit The Dark Side for recovery support. Also, if you ever want to run some questions by the Bluelight crew in regards to relationships, check out Sex, Love and Relationships.

Good luck with everything - And welcome to Bluelight!

 

[play_dead79]

Ty for the reply. He was, at one point, a good man. He worked his ass off, helped me around the house and was actually a decent father but the alcohol took over. He is an alcoholic first and and addict second. I miss him, because I know what he could do if he just stayed straight. As for meth being a nasty habit, I completely agree. I am a picker already, it stems from my anxiety even when i was younger. I used to pick my fingers til the bleed. Now I pick at my arms, face, chest and legs. The meth only makes it worse and the past few days have been hell so my picking has gotten out of control. My kids let me pop their pimples and black heads so I don't hurt myself and I'm gentle with them. I don't like hurting ppl, but I am obsessed with popping them. I once talked to a doc about it, he told me it was a form of OCD. I'm embarrassed by how I look, I wear long sleeves when everyone knows I'm a short sleeve person. I was once told I am not ur typical addictive personality, I don't smoke. I never did until recently when I lost my shit and smoked 2 ciggs. that makes a total of like 6 ciggs my whole life. I'm not much of a drinker either, although i'm prone to it because of my grandfather and father, who died of sclerosis of the liver in 2007. I didn't know him really, I didn't have that awesome of a childhood. Mom was way to over protective and over controling. She had this perfect idea of me that fit in her neat little box, unfortunately, I did not fit. That caused alot of problems. Even now it's an issue.