Hello no clue how to use this shit cuz I’m new. My names Jackie and I’m here cuz I got a lot of questions and I probably got a few answers too. Lol🤪

[Jaxgee1025]

Hey Stuart, I just joined last week but I already can tell that there’s a tremendous amount of support here.. and to your remark about being a “Lifer” there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. It’s like if you have a lifelong illness such as diabetes then you’re gonna have to take medication for the rest your life. Maybe that’s not a great example but you know what I mean. Lol Everyone’s different but if you feel nervous to stop taking it because you feel like you might slip then that’s fine. Everyone’s journey is so different that’s the wonderful thing about sharing our stories.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

I know I’m a little late replying still trying to figure out the basics. Like how everyone’s response’s aren’t in order. Anyway… I wish I could be like you and think logically like “you know your gonna regret this”. Unfortunately my addictive personality takes over the logical part of my brain and is only interested in instant gratification.

Ohh haha I'm very impulsive so I definitely get the instant gratification bit. I'm not saying I no longer get drunk. I do that quite a lot. I'm saying getting plastered at every opportunity isn't nearly as attractive anymore so I'm doing it a lot LESS

 

[yubacity]

Sober can mean your “clean” too. I feel like the general rule in recovery they try to preach is that in order to be sober it means of EVERYTHING. Even cigarettes…I call bullshit.

I agree i remember once i rang NA just needed advice told them im clean only smoke a joint at night she goes to me thats not clean you still addicted . She

I like the idea of dealing with one addiction at a time because then it doesn’t seem so overwhelming. And your right on the money about how drinking can lead to giving in to temptation…I was definitely drunk, depressed and lonely when I had my relapse. It was also premeditated because it had been brewing in my mind for about a week or two and then that one night while I was drunk I decided “ fuck it!”. Luckily I’m not around anyone who uses and my old connects aren’t available to me anymore more. Thank God for that.

Im lucky drink has never been a addiction i ever had i just never liked the buzz but if i do go out with pals one pint in ill be thinking about coke it just throws reason out the window. Everyone of my relapses are planed first the reasoning like i been good i deserve a blast and some gear for the comedown. Then promising myself ill be ok ill just do it today and thats it but everytime i do it then think the next day ill feel a little shit i just do a bit to take the edge off thats it then within 2 weeks im back addicted. The problem is once we been addicted our brain gets the addiction back real quick.

I was reading a artie lang book and in it he said that a addict has this demon in them you cant destroy it it will always be there we just have to learn to live with it .

You are doing real well you have to consider ur brain a enemy when in recovery. As soon as the planning of a relapse comes in your head fight the thought. Tell your brain to go fuck when i was a year clean thats how i stayed clean i was just a fool one day i thought i got this beat but we never beat addiction its part of us just have to learn to control it. Always remember its not a race take ur time

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Hey contributors to this thread. What do you guys think about moving this thread to Health and Recovery? There is some great harm reduction here and some really good support. More people might read it in that forum as opposed to this one.

Truly is a good thread that needs more exposure. What do you think jax and yuba? It can stay here , no problem, just thought more people would join in if it were more visible? Yay or nay?

 

[yubacity]

Hey contributors to this thread. What do you guys think about moving this thread to Health and Recovery? There is some great harm reduction here and some really good support. More people might read it in that forum as opposed to this one.

Truly is a good thread that needs more exposure. What do you think jax and yuba? It can stay here , no problem, just thought more people would join in if it were more visible? Yay or nay?

I think its a great idea more traffic more ideas more help

 

[yubacity]

Hello Jaxgee...and friends.

I'm SWAL71 (Stuart...born, 1971) and I am new to this too. I have not read the board yet, but I will, I just wanted to say hi and tell you a bit about myself. I am from Australia and have been a heroin addict for 27+ years. I have been on a high dose of Suboxone sinse 2012. I get 16 takeaway's when I get dosed, so I have heaps of time to play around with heroin and get back on Suboxone when I have had enough.
By the way...there is never enough!!! LOL

My predicament at the moment is: I have turned 50 this year and although I would call myself a Lifer as for as Subbies go...I find myself using at least a gram a day when I don't dose and all my demons return and I don't trust myself not to take Suboxone. I go into precipatated withdrawal more often than not (because I am impatient and I get scared of getting sick).

I won't bang on...I too have heaps of questions and maybe some answers to.

I hope you are all safe and well...

Brother im the same as you a lifer 30 years out of 45 on some shit or other. But even a lifer can get parole it can be done your 50 spent all your good years using so even if it takes a few years more it can be done. If you on subs stabilize on them and drop the gear make that first move then you can take your time dropping down the subs its not a race or stay on the gear drop the subs and use pregabs to get of the gear if you never been addicted to pregabalin it will be an easy detox you know you are detoxing you get the sneezing the backache but you be up and about and no anxiety and you sleep like a baby but don't swap addictions. I know I sound like a salesman for pregabalin but my first detox was cold turkey it was horrendous my second was on pregabs and a stroll in the park I was amazed how it worked lope and pregabs makes all the difference

 

[Ds]

Welcome to Bluelight @Jaxgee1025

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Alrighty then, I'm going to do my first " move thread " maneuver. Wish me luck ! Yeah guys this is a really good thread and it will link you to our Recovery forum. Lot of good peeps in there.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

@Jaxgee1025 ......hello friend. Your thread is now in Health and Recovery. Hope to see you around in the forums. Glad you are here.

 

[SWAL71]

Brother im the same as you a lifer 30 years out of 45 on some shit or other. But even a lifer can get parole it can be done your 50 spent all your good years using so even if it takes a few years more it can be done. If you on subs stabilize on them and drop the gear make that first move then you can take your time dropping down the subs its not a race or stay on the gear drop the subs and use pregabs to get of the gear if you never been addicted to pregabalin it will be an easy detox you know you are detoxing you get the sneezing the backache but you be up and about and no anxiety and you sleep like a baby but don't swap addictions. I know I sound like a salesman for pregabalin but my first detox was cold turkey it was horrendous my second was on pregabs and a stroll in the park I was amazed how it worked lope and pregabs makes all the difference

That's Lyrica isn't it? I think that is what it is here in Australia. I never thought of that, nor heard of it. I have chronic back pain and bilateral sciatica. I would like to stop opiates all together. My pituitary gland does not produce testosterone, leaving me with a very low T score. (This is common with opiate addiction in men... so men reading this, maybe get it checked) My endocrinologist has put me on testogel. And in saying that, Australia has a great Medicare system, so most pharmaceuticals are covered and only cost around AU$6.90...even Suboxone cost AU$5.00 per dose/AU$35.00 per week.

I have always felt that I need opiates in me, so I really have no plans to stop Suboxone. (Yes, a true addict... but, whatever. I love the stuff).

I also have a neurosurgeon, who has put me on a low dose of Valium, 10-20mg per day for my sciatica and I have been on that dose for 20+ years...
The "you've just got an excuse for everything" people would have a field day with me and they do. The only difference with me these days, is that I really don't get bothered by the finger pointers and the judgemental...a major reason why I love Bluelight; I can be honest about who I am and the addict I am... it's easy to weed out the nobs and other folk who, by design, look for people like me to preach their BS to. Hahahaaa, take ya best shot...I always do...LOL...pardon the pun.

Peace friends

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Welcome @SWAL71 . Great to have you here. Hope you are finding your way around Bluelight okay. Enjoy the forums and I look forward to seeing more of your posts.

 

[yubacity]

That's Lyrica isn't it? I think that is what it is here in Australia. I never thought of that, nor heard of it. I have chronic back pain and bilateral sciatica. I would like to stop opiates all together. My pituitary gland does not produce testosterone, leaving me with a very low T score. (This is common with opiate addiction in men... so men reading this, maybe get it checked) My endocrinologist has put me on testogel. And in saying that, Australia has a great Medicare system, so most pharmaceuticals are covered and only cost around AU$6.90...even Suboxone cost AU$5.00 per dose/AU$35.00 per week.

I have always felt that I need opiates in me, so I really have no plans to stop Suboxone. (Yes, a true addict... but, whatever. I love the stuff).

I also have a neurosurgeon, who has put me on a low dose of Valium, 10-20mg per day for my sciatica and I have been on that dose for 20+ years...
The "you've just got an excuse for everything" people would have a field day with me and they do. The only difference with me these days, is that I really don't get bothered by the finger pointers and the judgemental...a major reason why I love Bluelight; I can be honest about who I am and the addict I am... it's easy to weed out the nobs and other folk who, by design, look for people like me to preach their BS to. Hahahaaa, take ya best shot...I always do...LOL...pardon the pun.

Peace friends

Yes lyrica the name for it outside uk . My brother it seems you need the subs and valiums for your health and you prescribed them so keep them going and stop the gear . It seems you guys in auz have a healthcare system like ours where you get your meds by just paying a flat rate which is subsadised by the state so wont cost you a bomb . Ignore people who maje statements without knowing your pain its like im from a sikh punjabi culture which has a big drinking culture they call people junkies or amli which punjabi word for it. In punjab raw opium heroin and pods massive but the cunts will make fun of us while getting pissed everynight and being addicted to drink you have to ignore them . Look on this site most of us been called junkies but look how much everyone helps each other .

If your stable ob the subs and valis and helps ur pain carry on same as someone needing insulin for the rest of their life saw it mebtioned on this thread. Try the lyrica get of the gear u never used them so they will help get off the gear and stay on your meds they medicine u need them

 

[yubacity]

That's Lyrica isn't it? I think that is what it is here in Australia. I never thought of that, nor heard of it. I have chronic back pain and bilateral sciatica. I would like to stop opiates all together. My pituitary gland does not produce testosterone, leaving me with a very low T score. (This is common with opiate addiction in men... so men reading this, maybe get it checked) My endocrinologist has put me on testogel. And in saying that, Australia has a great Medicare system, so most pharmaceuticals are covered and only cost around AU$6.90...even Suboxone cost AU$5.00 per dose/AU$35.00 per week.

I have always felt that I need opiates in me, so I really have no plans to stop Suboxone. (Yes, a true addict... but, whatever. I love the stuff).

I also have a neurosurgeon, who has put me on a low dose of Valium, 10-20mg per day for my sciatica and I have been on that dose for 20+ years...
The "you've just got an excuse for everything" people would have a field day with me and they do. The only difference with me these days, is that I really don't get bothered by the finger pointers and the judgemental...a major reason why I love Bluelight; I can be honest about who I am and the addict I am... it's easy to weed out the nobs and other folk who, by design, look for people like me to preach their BS to. Hahahaaa, take ya best shot...I always do...LOL...pardon the pun.

Peace friends

Forgot to mention low test on gear when i was on gear i used to use decca and test for training so was good but have a friend who after quitting gear got all the tests and blood done he was found to have really low test levels and prescribed this test gel to rub on his arms he stopped using it so i now use his prescription i think it helps with mood for me. On heroin i would not want sex when was not on a steroid cycle and would only do it with wife out of duty . She went to visit her parents and family plus mine in the states for nearly 3 weeks dont even think i knocked one out in that time and i have a really high sex drive when clean

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

Sober can mean your “clean” too. I feel like the general rule in recovery they try to preach is that in order to be sober it means of EVERYTHING. Even cigarettes…I call bullshit.

Definitely BS.
Like oh if you used to do heroin you can never ever have a sip of a beer of puff of a joint because it'll send you running straight back to the needle somehow . (Even if you never had an alcohol or weed problem to the same degree you had a heroin problem.) Exactly HOW. I've yet to have this mysterious arcane process explained to me in a convincing manner.
Those are ENTIRELY different substances with ENTIRELY different effects. Saying the use of one will in some way mindlessly 'cause' you to do another is like claiming smoking cigarettes is gonna make you take cocaine.

 

[dalpat077]

My message is to everyone on this site. I’ve tried (almost) every mind altering substance besides meth. But everything else (heroin, crack, cocaine, Molly, acid, pills). Is anyone else trying to balance mental health while still dealing with addiction even after having sobriety for a few months and just feeling like it sucked so hard to be sober but you know drinking and taking uppers is going to ruin your health and you don’t know how to cope?!?

Hey man I appreciate the feedback. That’s what I’m here for to hear the truth and other peoples experiences. I don’t have WDs from liquor cause I don’t drink everyday but when I do drink I go hard and I also drink with Adderall which makes you drink more than you normally would. I don’t get the shakes or anything after drinking I just end up feeling super depressed and like a giant piece of shit. Especially when I run out of the Addys. I’m actually prescribed Xanax .50 twice a day but I don’t take it everyday. It definitely helps the day after or in my case it’s usually two days of drinking for me in a row. I always have to “chase the hair of the dog”. I gotta figure something out I just don’t know what.

Also I WISH I could smoke weed instead I really do…I used to get stoned everyday in High School and loved it but shit makes me paranoid as hell. It brings out the negative thoughts in my head. :-/

I don't know if this is going to be the best advice Jackie but it's the best I can give.

I think you're being given some of the worst advice here when it comes to benzodiazepines and alcohol. Ask me how I know. Well seeing as you asked; you will get physically dependent on Xanax WAY before you get in trouble with alcohol.

Only reason I'm chiming in here is because I wanted to say that maybe you're being too hard on yourself. I have lived a relatively long and interesting life. And same here (and as you put it): always used to "go hard" on the alcohol i.e. enough was never enough WHEN I was in the mood. Otherwise known as binge drinking of course. Point being: I'd go for three days ("hair of the dog" being the first and worst fucking drink after having eventually woken up but wanted to continue the party with music and whatnot). Also, and as the years went by, started getting that horrible, almost like a depressive/guilty type feeling (especially after the party was over and you'd eaten and sobered up). And it took me the longest time to say to myself "fuck this: I'm not doing anything wrong not harming anyone but simply keeping to my business and enjoying myself" (neighbors didn't usually see it that way because of the music but fuck them). Point I'm trying to make: if "going hard" for a few days and truly having a gas and enjoying yourself then fuck it and everybody else. Life goes quick. I stopped boozing it up just over two years ago and I'm a miserable fuck without the booze and music and shit. Main reason: just got to a point where I just could not handle the inevitable three day hangovers anymore (there is definitely something to that number three although I've never figured it out i.e. feel shit for three days being hungover and then three days later ready to start all over again and rock 'n roll). Used to also drink with Xanax (Alprazolam) and as to how much to this day I couldn't tell you i.e. the more fucking pissed you get the more you take because you're not getting "on" fast enough. It's one sure fire way of getting legless fucked though. Worst that ever happened: fell over and couldn't get back up again i.e. legs wouldn't work. Sat on the floor laughing my head off and never spilled a single drop of my drink (go figure). But you do pass out far quicker from the combination and once you wake up (usually on the couch) the party starts all over again. Found out just the other day that benzos. and alcohol act on the exact same receptors and have the same effect (according to a paper on the topic).

I guess in short (probably too late for that now): if it's not adversely affecting your life or your work or business then fuck it and don't get desperate or anxious or depressed about it. In the context of this site: probably not the best HR advice. But your posts eerily remind me of my life experience. And fuck knows: life hasn't improved or become more enjoyable because I stopped carrying on like a mad thing and feeling shit about having a gas drinking my head off for three days (and nights) straight. Of course: there is a caveat to my so-called "advice". You may not become an alcoholic or physically dependent on alcohol until a good while has passed. But it's for sure possible to get psychologically dependent (if only to the good time and partying like an animal for days on end). Fact of the matter (and for me): after all of this it's incredibly difficult for me to not be triggered by my music i.e. it's like turning a light switch on sometimes in the sense that the moment I hear some decent fucking loud music my brain goes "tilt" and all I want to do is get fucked up drunk. It's very real. Somehow I've manged to behave myself since 2019 on this score but it's not been easy I'll tell you. And if I;m honest: I miss it (those occasions) a lot. In truth: I succumbed but once in the last two year i.e. just decided one afternoon fuck this shit I'm going to get pissed. Well: it took that (and yet another three fucking day Godawful and debilitating hangover to remind me that was the very reason I gave it all up as a very bad job i.e. just not worth it).

Sorry for the L-O-N-G and badly (not) formatted post (not my usual style). (well the formatting part anyway that is).

 

[SWAL71]

Anything can lead me back to the needle. That is why I am on Suboxone. And in ssaying that, I have just had four days on the gear and I am waiting to go back on subboxone today. I feel like I could take it now (18 hours), but I am scared about precipertated withdrawal...which has happened to me too many times in the past.
This is when I hate heroin, when I feel trapped and depressed and that I have no chance of changing my behavior. So I patiently wait the three hours...I guess I have a score of about 12 on COWS, but that isn't enough.

 

[SWAL71]

Anything can lead me back to the needle. That is why I am on Suboxone. And in ssaying that, I have just had four days on the gear and I am waiting to go back on subboxone today. I feel like I could take it now (18 hours), but I am scared about precipertated withdrawal...which has happened to me too many times in the past.
This is when I hate heroin, when I feel trapped and depressed and that I have no chance of changing my behavior. So I patiently wait the three hours...I guess I have a score of about 12 on COWS, but that isn't enough.

OK...Done! I have 16mg in me and this little road of bullshit is over. Here we go again...I will try to abstain from using and get my butt back into life!

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

Anything can lead me back to the needle.

And if that is the case, it means you still have a massive emotional attachment one way or another to your doc.
That attachment is what leads you back again ; not the chemical properties of the substance. And this CAN be overcome.
I did it, so have hundreds of thousands of others ; so can you.

 

[SWAL71]

And if that is the case, it means you still have a massive emotional attachment one way or another to your doc.
That attachment is what leads you back again ; not the chemical properties of the substance. And this CAN be overcome.
I did it, so have hundreds of thousands of others ; so can you.

I must admit. Sinse going onto suboxone, I have not done much to address my addiction. I do have an attachment...even now after 4 mg...I had another 16mg and that put me into a precipertated withdrawal. All I can think of is going back...back to knock the beup off my receptors instead of forward and go through the withdrawal which won't take that long with 20mg in me.
It's that love/hate relationship I have with heroin. I am really scared this cycle will not end.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

I must admit. Sinse going onto suboxone, I have not done much to address my addiction. I do have an attachment...even now after 4 mg...I had another 16mg and that put me into a precipertated withdrawal. All I can think of is going back...back to knock the beup off my receptors instead of forward and go through the withdrawal which won't take that long with 20mg in me.
It's that love/hate relationship I have with heroin. I am really scared this cycle will not end.

I tend to compare it to the push - pull of a dysfunctional love relationship. Where y'know, it was wonderful at first and then it all turned sour.

And you know it's not doing you any good anymore and you start to get tired of the person but then it's like....
... ohhh but when she just touches me THAT WAY. Or when he just looks at me THAT WAY. It's all gone to fuck and you know it but every now and again the sex is still so good (you really want that high, etc).