Greetings everyone! (before you read on, I'm from the UK - so apologise if you may not understand any of the lingo!)
After visiting this forum on numerous occasions to seek advice, read stories from peoples experiences and out of general curiosity, I have finally decided to sign up.
A little backstory (for those who don't mind a bit of a read!), much like my parents are their parents, I have suffered from severe depression from a rather young age (about 10 I'd say) and GAD which, for many reasons, lead me to leaving secondary school at a young age - about 13 I'd say. I managed to get 'home schooled' where I managed to gain a GCSE D in maths and english, but let face it, that doesn't really amount to much. It's worth noting that at this point I wasn't totally aware of my mental illnesses whatsoever.
Anyway, several years went by (starting at about 17) that I began experimenting with numerous drugs with my friends - mainly MDMA, cocaine, and grade. At first it was all fun and games, going and out to various clubs and having a great time whilst making many more friends along the way. Something clicked somewhere along this point though that recreationally and occasionally selling these drugs were not enough, I felt like I had let down my parents enough at this stage for not being able to continue with school (my older sister is incredibly bright, finished school and university with no problems - she now has a mortgage on a new build flat in hackney, where she works Monday to Friday as a publisher and is a freelance illustrator Saturday and Sunday).
It was at the age of 17 I decided to try and enrol at the local and best regarded college to study what I'm (apparently) good at; Art & Design. Because I had dropped out of school so early, the college attempted to start me off at level 1 (rah) but upon submitting my portfolio to several teachers, I was quickly accepted to level 2. Sadly, this didn't course my drug-taking and selling to slow down whatsoever, in fact increase on quite a large scale. I think my rapidly increasing mental health issues were being amplified by this, of course.
During the course of my time at college, I prioritised my party life over both college, girlfriends, and my family - which now at this age I find sickening to the point where it haunts me every day. I dropped out of college midway through my 3rd year, and began a spree of part/full time work, totally clueless on what I really wanted in life. I upset girlfriends and my family for years on end, losing some truly great people.
It was when my most long-term relationship was going down the drain (we lived together for a while) (It was at this point a doctor starting prescribing me valium, about 3-4 years ago for GAD) that I *thought* I had enough and decided to attempt to enrol at a university; thinking it would be my only way out of the sadness it was causing me and to have a new start. On the day of the deadline to apply though UCAS, I managed to choose a course I thought would be suitable for me, Graphic Branding and Identity at UAL (linked to the fact I had a die hard obsession with graffiti/street art from a very young age) and managed to do the whole the whole application sorted within about 4 hours.
I got an unconditional offer, passed my interview, blah blah blah how the fuck did I manage this? I can only guess they liked my portfolio. As you can imagine, I was over the fucking moon. I stayed at my parents prior to starting my course and worked a full time job to save as much as possible, drinking only very occasionally - that was until it was time for me to go university..
As soon as I arrived at halls of residence in 2016, party time was on my mind. Long story short what I thought was coke for a friend I was C and a much darker.. 'fuck that' substance (you can probably guess). Starting university and meeting new people, I don't know, made me go drug crazy. Whether it was to escape my demons from the past or not, I don't know.
Surprisingly, I past my first year with relative ease, making new friends and gaining some sort of respect from my teachers. During the summer after finishing my first year, I decided to stay with my parents where I managed to get a job in a kitchen; working around 14-16 hours a day - I didn't drink at all or take any recreational/prescription drugs whatsoever - however I had to quit this after about a month due to freaking out fucking hard due to my anxiety and depression, just before my second year at Uni started.
As soon as I began my second year at Uni, I had to get back on the valium due to being unable to attend any classes because of freaking out fucking hard and not managing to attend many classes. I'm now living in a flat with 2 classmates who I don't think fully understand my mental mindset (I think its impossible for anyone not going through the same thing to FULLY understand). I've successfully managed to pass the first term of my second term, thank god, but honestly I've had a massive change of heart. I do honestly want to leave Art as a hobby and attempt to start a psychology course where I can potentially help people? Extremely sudden I know, but I feel like it's exactly what I want to do and would help me with my life massively.
I still have problems with drugs where I cant drink without 'wanting more' and the more this happens, I feel the more I can understand the human brain more.
Anyway, there is a FUCKLOAD(!!!) missing from this story so please don't hesitate to ask any questions or whatever, if anything I'd greatly appreciate it!
Thanks guys
After visiting this forum on numerous occasions to seek advice, read stories from peoples experiences and out of general curiosity, I have finally decided to sign up.
A little backstory (for those who don't mind a bit of a read!), much like my parents are their parents, I have suffered from severe depression from a rather young age (about 10 I'd say) and GAD which, for many reasons, lead me to leaving secondary school at a young age - about 13 I'd say. I managed to get 'home schooled' where I managed to gain a GCSE D in maths and english, but let face it, that doesn't really amount to much. It's worth noting that at this point I wasn't totally aware of my mental illnesses whatsoever.
Anyway, several years went by (starting at about 17) that I began experimenting with numerous drugs with my friends - mainly MDMA, cocaine, and grade. At first it was all fun and games, going and out to various clubs and having a great time whilst making many more friends along the way. Something clicked somewhere along this point though that recreationally and occasionally selling these drugs were not enough, I felt like I had let down my parents enough at this stage for not being able to continue with school (my older sister is incredibly bright, finished school and university with no problems - she now has a mortgage on a new build flat in hackney, where she works Monday to Friday as a publisher and is a freelance illustrator Saturday and Sunday).
It was at the age of 17 I decided to try and enrol at the local and best regarded college to study what I'm (apparently) good at; Art & Design. Because I had dropped out of school so early, the college attempted to start me off at level 1 (rah) but upon submitting my portfolio to several teachers, I was quickly accepted to level 2. Sadly, this didn't course my drug-taking and selling to slow down whatsoever, in fact increase on quite a large scale. I think my rapidly increasing mental health issues were being amplified by this, of course.
During the course of my time at college, I prioritised my party life over both college, girlfriends, and my family - which now at this age I find sickening to the point where it haunts me every day. I dropped out of college midway through my 3rd year, and began a spree of part/full time work, totally clueless on what I really wanted in life. I upset girlfriends and my family for years on end, losing some truly great people.
It was when my most long-term relationship was going down the drain (we lived together for a while) (It was at this point a doctor starting prescribing me valium, about 3-4 years ago for GAD) that I *thought* I had enough and decided to attempt to enrol at a university; thinking it would be my only way out of the sadness it was causing me and to have a new start. On the day of the deadline to apply though UCAS, I managed to choose a course I thought would be suitable for me, Graphic Branding and Identity at UAL (linked to the fact I had a die hard obsession with graffiti/street art from a very young age) and managed to do the whole the whole application sorted within about 4 hours.
I got an unconditional offer, passed my interview, blah blah blah how the fuck did I manage this? I can only guess they liked my portfolio. As you can imagine, I was over the fucking moon. I stayed at my parents prior to starting my course and worked a full time job to save as much as possible, drinking only very occasionally - that was until it was time for me to go university..
As soon as I arrived at halls of residence in 2016, party time was on my mind. Long story short what I thought was coke for a friend I was C and a much darker.. 'fuck that' substance (you can probably guess). Starting university and meeting new people, I don't know, made me go drug crazy. Whether it was to escape my demons from the past or not, I don't know.
Surprisingly, I past my first year with relative ease, making new friends and gaining some sort of respect from my teachers. During the summer after finishing my first year, I decided to stay with my parents where I managed to get a job in a kitchen; working around 14-16 hours a day - I didn't drink at all or take any recreational/prescription drugs whatsoever - however I had to quit this after about a month due to freaking out fucking hard due to my anxiety and depression, just before my second year at Uni started.
As soon as I began my second year at Uni, I had to get back on the valium due to being unable to attend any classes because of freaking out fucking hard and not managing to attend many classes. I'm now living in a flat with 2 classmates who I don't think fully understand my mental mindset (I think its impossible for anyone not going through the same thing to FULLY understand). I've successfully managed to pass the first term of my second term, thank god, but honestly I've had a massive change of heart. I do honestly want to leave Art as a hobby and attempt to start a psychology course where I can potentially help people? Extremely sudden I know, but I feel like it's exactly what I want to do and would help me with my life massively.
I still have problems with drugs where I cant drink without 'wanting more' and the more this happens, I feel the more I can understand the human brain more.
Anyway, there is a FUCKLOAD(!!!) missing from this story so please don't hesitate to ask any questions or whatever, if anything I'd greatly appreciate it!
Thanks guys
