Hello Everyone from step-mom Looking for a little peace

[MayrShea]

Hi Everyone,
i came across Bluelight while searching for information on track mark healing. Sounds weird, maybe not but i think that I came across this site was a kismet kind of thing.
I'm the step-mom of a 27 year old woman who's been addicted to opiates for nearly (or so we've been told) 10 years. My husband and I have been married almost 6 years and I. The time we've been together I always had a gut feeling something wasn't quite right...but was never able to put my finger on it. And how do you communicate to your new husband your concerns when his child is the apple of his eye.

I'll save the rest of my story for the proper forum.

Fast forward to today....I'm glad I found "you" and am hoping to find support as my step-daughter moves through recovery and hopefully a clean life. It's been the worst thing I've experienced ever and I look forward to support from others who've had similar experiences...how they coped...how they managed...how they survived...and maybe how they managed to keep sanity in their relationship through it all.

I'm looking forward to reading and learning...and most of all finding a little peace.
Mayr

 

[Moreaux]

Hi Mayr -

I'm 39 and hve been married to my husband for four years now. He has five adult daughters, they are around my age. Two are his biological, but the other three he raised. He youngest (biological) has some addiction issues. When we first got together I tried to warn him as I was/am in recovery myself but he didn't want to hear it.

She's in her late twenties now and has two kids. The father committed suicide shortly after the youngest was born. This really threw my step daughter over the edge as she was married to the guy, and now she is a single mother. Over time my husband finally began to recognize the signs - alcohol always with her, weed around the house (tons of pipes, papers, seeds, etc). I knew she was on something else because she was underweight and always very hyper, but it took us finding her dealer's list of prices with weights to determine crack for certain.

She was getting over five thousand dollars a month I government assistance and always broke. My husband was always helping her financially until I came on the scene and he finally stopped enabling her. It's a difficult situation to have to deal with, but my advice to you is to talk to your husband and show evidence. Lay ground rules that will not allow him to enable her (no money, taking care of her responsibilities, etc), but let him emotionally support her.

As for my situation, I totally disengaged from her but have made it clear to my husband that if she ever wants to learn more about addiction or get clean I will do everything I can to help her. He knows our resources are not to go to her because if we help her it just allows her to use her resources for drugs. It's a bad situation, and we had many arguments in the beginning until he finally realized there really was a substance issue. It took time for him to understand that this was out of his control, and he couldn't force health on her. They are now going to try to re-establish their relationship and take it slow. We have since moved out of town, there was a lot of drama and a period of no communication. I hope for his sake everything goes well, but as far as I am concerned, not my monkeys, not my circus. As long as she does not know where we live and no resources are going to her, he is free to help her any way he can however that drama is not allowed in my house to possibly compromise my recovery.

Try to be patient and understanding with your husband - it's tough for him. Do not allow it in your home, and do not allow her to compromise your peace and happiness. Be honest and direct when discussing this with your husband. Back up your statements with evidence. His daughter is 27, she is an adult making her own choices. She is not going to get healthy until she is ready to get healthy. She may need an education on addiction, and providing educational resources is great.

Keep in mind this is not your fight, and she is not your family. If she feels you are putting these ideas in her father's head she will be miserable to you and will most likely try to retaliate, so make certain you already have ground rules set with your husband before he addresses her. If she has a key to the house, change the locks. If I were you I would not trust her, things may have been fine till now but can go south quickly once the addiction is mentioned. Protect yourself and your interests first. Marriage should come before children, and if he doesn't support your feelings than you have to really examine your relationship. Good luck!

 

[Moreaux]

You may also want to checkout steptalk.org . It's a site dedicated to the trials and tribulations of being a step parent. You will probably find more support there for the step parent aspect than here :/ but Bluelight is great for addiction and recovery resources.