Hello bluelighters!

[VanOccupanther]

Hello everyone,
For a long time I’ve used this site as a really useful resource and helpful guide, and mostly just to read threads written by people who seem to understand my world (there aren’t that many in my day to day life).
I’ma from the uk and I’ve been a drug user my whole adult life (and a fair bit before that!) about 26 years in total. I started with weed and psychedelics, moved on the party drugs (basically uppers) and eventually settled on opiates (most specifically oxy/dhc) although I’ve tried most of them.
Ive been through recovery programs a couple of times and in fact have just about completed one now (finding bupe a little sticky).

Ive been a member for about a month now but realised that perhaps a introduction was in order.

I think this is a great site and it’s helped me many times.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Welcome to Bluelight, officially, @VanOccupanther!

Congrats on the recovery programs. What made you realize it was for you?

Also, do you have any hobbies you can do when you recover?

Sorry for the interrogation! Feel free to ignore!

Peace

 

[GENGAR]

Hey welcome to the site

 

[VanOccupanther]

Cheers dudes,

yeah in terms of recovery a guess it’s always been a bit of a balancing act. I’m always aiming for the functioning addict level, but tend to overstep it a little, especially last time. Just managed to save my job and my marriage that time. So the last couple of years have been the most sober I’ve probably ever been. Recently though I’ve just got so sick of bupe and tried cold turkey which kicked my ass, so I got back on and I’m trying to taper the last bit as quick as possible (I’m down to 2.8mg daily now.
A few benzos have started to creep in recently, but I’m keeping a lid on that.
In terms of hobbies I’m a drummer, play in a couple of bands, and I love to read.

cheers for welcoming me in.

 

[CFC]

Welcome aboard @VanOccupanther

Glad you've been finding the site helpful. How are you finding recovery services in the UK? I know it varies depending on the CCG (PCT) area you're in - some are world class and pretty forward thinking, others seem stuck in the stone ages!

Best,
CFC

 

[GENGAR]

Don’t forget to read the BLUA

 

[VanOccupanther]

Don’t forget to read the BLUA

What is the BLUA?

 

[Cheshire_Kat]

Blue Light User's Agreement

Linky : BLUA

 

[VanOccupanther]

Yeah I can’t complain about the services in my area, that put me on bupe and have been happy to keep me on it for over two and a half years, which is both good and bad. They also offer group meetings, sadly none of which I can attend because I have a full time job and they are all in the day time. But I meet my key worker ever six weeks or so and he’s pretty cool. I have no complaints about the whole scene man, but now I’m virtually off the subutex I’m already on the benzos and I’ve scored plenty of opiates to treat myself when I’ve finished. I guess this means I’m not rehabilitated, but man I’m not putting that on these services, they’re doing great on very limited resources.

 

[VanOccupanther]

Blue Light User's Agreement

Linky : BLUA

Cool thank you

 

[Cheshire_Kat]

Hey, my pleasure...

Enjoy your stay.... Be yourself

 

[Mistressofitness]

Cheers dudes,

yeah in terms of recovery a guess it’s always been a bit of a balancing act. I’m always aiming for the functioning addict level, but tend to overstep it a little, especially last time. Just managed to save my job and my marriage that time. So the last couple of years have been the most sober I’ve probably ever been. Recently though I’ve just got so sick of bupe and tried cold turkey which kicked my ass, so I got back on and I’m trying to taper the last bit as quick as possible (I’m down to 2.8mg daily now.
A few benzos have started to creep in recently, but I’m keeping a lid on that.
In terms of hobbies I’m a drummer, play in a couple of bands, and I love to read.

cheers for welcoming me in.

hi! welcome I am also new...just read your post ... I hope it's ok for me to ask you a question here- admin lmk if not- I am also on Suboxone (bupe) and was curious why you got sick of it. I am kinda having hard time with it too.. just interested in others experiences.

 

[VanOccupanther]

hi! welcome I am also new...just read your post ... I hope it's ok for me to ask you a question here- admin lmk if not- I am also on Suboxone (bupe) and was curious why you got sick of it. I am kinda having hard time with it too.. just interested in others experiences.

Man that’s a good question (and absolutely you can ask whatever you like), I guess there’s no simple answer, it’s definitely a number of different reasons.
I mean firstly it’s been over two and a half years and I’ve been tapering very slow. I started on 8mg and I’m now on 2.8 but I’m hoping to be down to two next week and 1.2mg a fortnight after that (although I’m gonna fail this piss test which always brings complications). So what I’m saying is it’s never taken me this long to get off anything!! I know my key worker is going slow to prevent relapse, but I feel it could go on for another few years at this rate!
Also one of the main reasons is it has completely ruined my sex drive (I wonder if this is a issue for anyone else)
And I guess if I’m completely honest with myself I still want to get high from time to time and the last time I got some oxy it didn’t work at all and it was a complete waste of time and money, I suppose this is because my receptors will still blocked or what have you (I’m no scientist!)
Basically I don’t want to be on it for ever, I know it’s been doing a pretty good job because I’ve had the longest period of relative sobriety in my adult life, but I’m sick of the meetings with my key worker and I’m sick of the chemist etc.
Also the recent withdrawal was dreadful considering what I thought was a reasonably small daily dose. It reinforced the feeling that I can’t just walk away from this shit and move on.
What are the issues you are having with it? (Sorry for rambling)

 

[Mistressofitness]

Hi! thanks for replying .sorry it took a while, I forgot to login and check to see if I had msgs.. So my issues are a plenty!!. I am on only 3 mg, started at 4, and was more than I needed. I have only used oxy once and very low dose (a couple percocets and didn't pee dirty ) since I started which is really good for me...but .I feel there are side effects to my mood (maybe depression, which I have had on and off forever), hate the constipation, and every morning I wake up feeling groggy and have a bachache (similar to withdrawal- was same on 4 mg so it's not the dose- maybe I metabolize fast). sometimes I think it increases my inflammation - I got frozen shoulder almost a month after I began (been on for maybe 7months or so), and joint pain a bit worse (have arthritis). But the main thing is that it is an opiate- and I feel like staying on it isn't really long term solution- having opiates on me is really a problem..I sometimes abuse it- by taking more pills than I should, or other ways (but won't mention as it could be trigger) .... that gives me boost- then I end up having to skip days and take smaller doses from my week of carries. it's like I can't have any opiates in my possession without wanting to abuse it. I am going to try some SMART recovery meetings to see if they help (not interested in 12 Step model, not for me). I want to be in recovery but I don't feel like I will get there on this drug. I am scared of weaning off and then going back to other opiates though...and want to be clean one day soon...I just don't feel like this drug is helping me get to where I truly feel like I'm in recovery- not helped by my misuse of drug) I'm afraid of withdrawals when I get off it- so definitely will wean slowly..but it sounds like withdrawal takes a while and u Feel awful.I hope to start going down in January- that is plan with my doctor.......Sorry for such a long message but there is a lot to say!!! thanks for input

 

[VanOccupanther]

Hi! thanks for replying .sorry it took a while, I forgot to login and check to see if I had msgs.. So my issues are a plenty!!. I am on only 3 mg, started at 4, and was more than I needed. I have only used oxy once and very low dose (a couple percocets and didn't pee dirty ) since I started which is really good for me...but .I feel there are side effects to my mood (maybe depression, which I have had on and off forever), hate the constipation, and every morning I wake up feeling groggy and have a bachache (similar to withdrawal- was same on 4 mg so it's not the dose- maybe I metabolize fast). sometimes I think it increases my inflammation - I got frozen shoulder almost a month after I began (been on for maybe 7months or so), and joint pain a bit worse (have arthritis). But the main thing is that it is an opiate- and I feel like staying on it isn't really long term solution- having opiates on me is really a problem..I sometimes abuse it- by taking more pills than I should, or other ways (but won't mention as it could be trigger) .... that gives me boost- then I end up having to skip days and take smaller doses from my week of carries. it's like I can't have any opiates in my possession without wanting to abuse it. I am going to try some SMART recovery meetings to see if they help (not interested in 12 Step model, not for me). I want to be in recovery but I don't feel like I will get there on this drug. I am scared of weaning off and then going back to other opiates though...and want to be clean one day soon...I just don't feel like this drug is helping me get to where I truly feel like I'm in recovery- not helped by my misuse of drug) I'm afraid of withdrawals when I get off it- so definitely will wean slowly..but it sounds like withdrawal takes a while and u Feel awful.I hope to start going down in January- that is plan with my doctor.......Sorry for such a long message but there is a lot to say!!! thanks for input

Man I’m really sorry to hear about all those physical side effects, I must say I’ve had none of that. I also have some osteoarthritis in my back and I can’t honestly say I’ve noticed any difference. Were you getting any of these issues on oxy? (Or other opiates?)
I’m them same as you on the 12 step thing is not for me (I know it works for loads of people and I’m not knocking it) and like you although I’ve been cleaner in these last two and a half years than I’ve ever been (I even had over a year off drinking!!) I don’t feel like I’ve really recovered as I treat my bupe as my normal drug, albeit much less and a very boring version! I also haven’t been completely straight during this period with a couple brief oxy spells and plenty of Xanax moments. In fact the Valium is creeping up worryingly on me now.
I also have snorted my bupe a fair bit now I’m down really low, but it really fucks with my sinuses!!
I’ve just started seeing a psychiatrist through my clinic, just had one session so far and to be fair it was excellent, she had me crying my eyes out in about 20 mins!! I think we’re gonna lay it all out on the table and see what’s at the core of my behaviour. I’m really lucky to get this chance as she has only taken on five people (thankfully I’m pretty good at showing up!) this is definitely something I’d recommend, but I realise that it’s not a cheap or easy service to get.
Anyway good luck and let me know how you get on (if you want to)
All the best.

 

[Mistressofitness]

I will for sure .will also report back about the smart recovery meetings, they are a CBT based program..available in Canada and us I think...even online meetings. Therapy helps a lot. Yes I did same with subs and now I wonder if I can take them normally...urgh!! good luck!!! and re the regular opiates yes they made pain worse (esp rebound in withdrawal) when I quit it all for 8 months I was way better .but relapsed so am trying subs...