TDS hello bluelighters! (social anxiety/isolation and drug use)

[bnexusopi]

Hello fellow blue lighters, I'm a big fan of the site and enjoy everybody's posts. The reason I decided to join is to hopefully figure out this problem I believe that I have, or at least get some input from your peoples knowledge.

To start off, I'm a male and i'm currently finishing up my last year in school and am taking it online and am almost finished. I'm still not sure where I want to be/accomplish in life but am interested in the culinary business. I love cooking but don't know if its what I plan on doing for the rest of my life.

The whole reason I started online school in the first place is because I never felt like I "connected" to anyone at school and thus isolated myself at home essentially :/. I guess what I'm trying to figure out ultimately is why I have such trouble connecting with others and making good relationships. This even brings me trouble with my family members. I so wish to have a better more meaningful relationship with each and everyone of them.

I have never felt quite like a "normal" person and have always been a bit on the shy side. Some examples would be not knowing what to say, even when I'm hanging around the few friends I do have, I feel as though I am being awkward by saying very little because my mind just does not process conversations good if that makes sense?

The weird thing is that I never have been abused or anything like that when I was younger, I had a damn good childhood and can't figure out what went wrong. I have always been way closer to my mother however and don't talk to my father much as he is hard to get along with.

I have been into drugs for quite some time which sometimes helps the problems but sometimes makes them worse. Started with weed and just weed for awhile then got into the all mighty opiates. The first 6 months on opiates were a godsend, one 5mg oxycodone would get me flying and living everyone with no side effects. Then after about 6 months of off and on use ( few times a week maybe less sometimes) things started to get worse.

I have always smoked weed and sometimes I feel like that makes me anxious unless I have a really good indica strain that makes me happy. But I always have to smoke once a day at night. Sometimes I don't even want it though and don't smoke for a day or two. But back to the opiates, I was then to the point where I needed 10mgs then 20mgs to feel anything at all. But that's not really the problem, I have never experienced "withdrawal" or I think I haven't but I have been depressed with everything in my life and feel like I'm going now where and have no money for college and have a shitty job at a restaurant. Recently I have tried stupid heroin which was a dumb idea because I never feel anything on it and have wasted a lot of money these past few weeks. I would NEVER Iv By the way just bang but still. I wish I could just be happy as is and find something meaningful with my life.

Whoever takes the time to read all of this thank you so much for your time and sorry to ramble on.

 

[bronson]

Welcome to bL. Sorry to hear about the recent tough times you've been going through. My best recommendation to you would be to post over in The Dark Side. They are an amazing group of understanding and caring people.

At that, I can even just send this thread over there for you should you desire. I'd just need to clean up a bit of the specifics about the drug use, as they have a no triggering rule, meaning to avoid posting anything that might lead someone to relapse. Should you like me to send this in that direction just use the PM me link in my signature.

Regards, and hope to hear you get feeling better.

 

[bronson]

Moving this NMI --> TDS at request of OP.
(Approved for move as per spork)

 

[spork]

Hey bnexusopi. Welcome to Bluelight and to The Dark Side. I'm glad that you found your way here and hope that we can help you out some.

Your experience with people sounds very similar to my own. I'm an introvert and I generally do like time by myself, but I also do feel like I'm missing out on that connection with other people often. When I smoke weed and do other drugs the anxiety I feel around people can often be exacerbated. A lot of this is when I'm sober rather than actually high too. I do notice that if I quit for a while that I usually start feeling a little better and more "normal." I'd recommend that you take a break from all drugs for a while (like at least a month or two) and see how you feel.

Have you ever talked to a therapist or psychiatrist about your problems? It can be scary to do at first, but it's something you might want to consider.

 

[bnexusopi]

Thank you spork nice to meet ya! Well so far I'm glad I'm not the only person to feel this way. I totally agree that smoking alleviates my anxiety, but opiates make it better for awhile. I have been cutting back on everything so far since yesterday and am doing good.

I'm going to just stick to a good sativa strain I think as I found out sativa keeps me very happy and motivated while indica makes me lazy sad and tired! I find I really have no anxiety on, and even for hours after word this way and I'm feeling happy.

And no, I haven't talked to a psychiatrist but I'll be scheduling an appointment here soon. Ive talked to a couple therapists but they don't seem to do me any good.