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Hello Bluelight - long time listener, first time caller...

PillShovel714

PillShovel714

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Joined
Mar 12, 2015
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So I've lurked around BL (and sites like it for years) & I'm not sure what possessed me to finally post something today, but here I am. I'm an opiate addict of the 1st order whose life was saved by buprinorphine. In Jan. 2012 I was in the hospital for a MRSA infection (kind of like super-Staph) in my arm directly resulting from IV use of heroin. During my 6 week stay I was the recipient of a fasciotomy (an operation where your muscle tissue is left open to the world and un-sutured in order to avoid the skin rupturing as a result of the massive swelling), a skin graft, and a total of 6 surgeries the first 3 weeks. I was receiving IV antibiotics and around 65mg. IV hydormorphone per day on top of the Duragesic (trans-dermal fentanyl) - the pain was the worst thing I've ever known - far worse than kicking a 5 year-old, 100mg/day methadone habit in a drunk tank. By all accounts, I should have lost my arm. I got out of the hospital and continued to use for many more months.
I didn't have a 'moment of clarity' or any other such transcendent event (besides the son my wife and I had in 2007). I just wanted to try to be something...anything...before I died. As an addict I was used to having fears that went something like, 'Well, I just got another 1/2 gram - so if I conserve I just might make 24hrs before the sickies set in.' My life and mentality were centered in the finding and ingestion of chemicals. Something started changing with me though. I started having thoughts that went more like, 'What if my son grows up and I'm still doing this same shit. What if he comes to me one day, many years from now, and says, "Dad...why didn't you do something... anything? You could've done something. You didn't even try."'
Now I'm back in school and 2 semesters away from obtaining a degree as a programmer / coder. I take 24mg buprinorphine/day and probably will til I'm either dead or in some god-forsaken pain clinic for my abused and neglected body. The world humans have made for themselves (and, in turn for my family and I) is still as fucked as it ever was and I'm sure I'm more a part of the problem than the solution. I still fantasize and romance the drugs (namely, opioids) pretty much daily. Mine's not an inspirational story of overcoming great obstacles so much as a cautionary tale.
Anyway I'm done tooting my own crack-pipe. I'm happy to be here in the midst of so many like-minded, stand-up citizens of the world.=D
 
Hey, great to have you aboard! I'm an x heroin addict myself. Thanks for sharing a little bit about your experience. Congrats on being on the Bupe and back in school.

Sounds like you've been through alot.
 
Being where you are now after where you came from - the brink of imminent death, it really sounds like - is INCREDIBLE! Don't downplay it! Of course life is still "fucked as ever" - that just makes your story more relatable/attainable, knowing that you're not some born asshat spouting that everything is now rainbows and miracles, but rather an actual human being, who has ups and downs and is comfortable admitting it, and more importantly, capable of walking through them day to day without resorting to the activities that led you to almost lose an arm. I'm more interested in hearing about your method and opinions on recovery than some transformed born-again dickhead - they are more alien than human in my book and would have nothing to offer me in terms of sound advice.
Your story IS inspirational, if only for illustrating that it doesn't require a "moment of clarity" in order to start (and *stick to* a path out of the darkness. So thank you. Tell us more.
 
Thank you so much for this thread! I recently started Suboxone and it too has saved my life. I know I would be dead by suicide or from and OD if not for it and the counseling program I attend. It is so wonderful to hear stories like yours. It just goes to show all the haters that recovery is different for everybody, and that ther are more ways to go about than attending meetings four hundred times a day or preaching about god. And thank you for showing us that recovery is possible even after the most hopeless of situations. That is what I struggle with the most - sometimes my asshole addict/lizard brain tells me that I am way to far gone to every come out of this.

I also think it's great that you can say that life DOES still suck. I feel like a lot of people relapse because they expect a sober life to be all roses and puppies. And it's not true - the problems that drove us to drugs are always still there once we clean up, and unfortunately the world is a hard a unforgiving place. But learning to accept that and cope with it is a huge step towards a lifetime of sobriety.

Your sense of humor and wisdom come through in your writing. I am so glad you found a path out of the dark woods of opiate addiction. I am a heroin and cocaine addict and every day is a struggle. But I am just now starting to see a tiny light at the tunnel - you did right by your son. I hope my daughter can grow up knowing I tried my best and kicked this beast out of my life for good. It's probably the hardest thing any of us will ever do, and you should toot your crack pipe for it! It's huge.

Welcome to BL! I have found it to be a useful tool in my brief time in recovery...sometimes just feeling like we aren't alone can save our lives.
 
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