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Hello Bluelight, I think I ruined my life...

K

Kosm

Greenlighter
Joined
May 21, 2015
Messages
18
Location
CA
Hello Bluelight, thank you guys so much for reading my post, and thank you twice as much if you left a comment!I have been struggling with this for years and I've finally come to the point where it needs to be resolved. Please excuse the exposition.

So a little back story: I used to be a shy, imaginative kid who enjoyed reading, video games and daydreaming. When i turned 19 i moved away from home to the city where a family "friend" introduced me to cocaine. For about the first 6 months i used about a gram a week, then for the next 6 months i used about 3 grams a week. I would mix cocaine with weed, Valium, alcohol and Seroquel. Eventually my family "friend" stated that he was over cocaine and would no longer buy any because he wanted to switch to Ecstasy, effectively cutting me off from my source. After a month of the worst withdrawals of my life I decided I didn't want to follow him down this new drug laden road and quit everything but weed, which i needed to keep from wanting to die.

Now I'm 26 and my life is ruined. I don't have the attention span to sit and read anymore. I have no motivation to do anything because nothing feels rewarding, even things i used to love. I live every day with severe emotional pain. My organs will spontaneously hurt like they are being crushed. I can't remember even simple things so I can barely hold down a minimum wage job.The surge of emotion and imagination I used to get while doing something i loved is gone. I have virtually no imagination anymore and my vocabulary has rapidly diminished.

So there it is. I am a total mess. Nothing feels good anymore, I live on alternating levels of 'bad' or 'really bad'. I can't even imagine having a future anymore. Really I feel like I'm already dead in a way.
 
Sounds rough man. How long has it been since you quit? I've heard that changes in the brain from drug use often reverse themselves over time. Have you considered trying to talk to a professional about this? If things are as bad as you say then you don't have much to lose, might as well explore all possible therapies.
 
My friend, head up! I'm certainly no doctor so please do not take anything I say as professional advice.

From what I gathered (if I read correctly) is that you were first exposed to cocaine around 19-20 years of age through a friend. Your habit got initially plateaued around a gram a week and then cocaine does what cocaine does and we're slamming 2-3 grams or more a week. That's a respectable diet of cocaine, but I would be interested in knowing if you did the blow exclusively? Or with friends? Or parties?

Now in my illicit drug career I've done a probably meager average amount of cocaine as compared to some. But as my blood flows I like binging. Cocaine was more a novelty to me though, just too inefficient for me so I never "did cocaine", if you will. My habits were darker.

Sorry I digressed there. Anyways I think it is worth noting that with the way cocaine interacts with your body it is RELATIVELY safe to assume that longevity may be more the detriment than frequency/volume.

And quite frankly my dude, your struggle with the blow would be considered quite trivial in the eyes of someone who spent or is spending years and years, decades on the drug.

I'm not downplaying the substance one bit! But in my completely unprofessional, unlicensed, irrelevant opinion I wouldn't think you did nearly enough for nearly as long as it would take for it to have a toll on your body of the magnitude you speak of.

You're worth something, brother. You literally danced on one of the steepest and slipperiest slopes imaginable for over a year at that. I honestly can't believe you maintained such low levels of intake, given its nature. I've had friends intakes go from .5 in a whole day to a quarter and some change a week.

I think what you're experiencing is a medical/psychological matter. And no one here can give you advice for that. You need to probably see a doctor and see if you can maybe figure out what's for you blue.

I myself am bipolar, ADHD and a very particular form of OCD. The bummer about issues of the mind is every one of your symptoms you listed could be attributed to any one of my disorders. Or to all the other ones. I am all for, ALL FOR self-guided research, but when it comes to psychology/psychiatry/neurology and what have you, DO NOT self diagnose. I firmly believe if we're reading "Mental Disorder X" because we have a genuine concern that we may posess this ailment it would behoove you to study the symptoms and learn about the condition.

But here is the thing most people don't comprehend, unless you're a psychiatrist/psychologist (state varies) then you cannot say that you or anyone else "has anxiety" or "is depressed". They may be downplayed and borderline ignored, but those "character flaws" (yuck!) still exist. And they are just as real and debilitating as a fever or heart attack.

So don't go researching mental disorders trying to find the one that you feel fits you, because you'll find at least 7. But in my unprofessional disclaimed opinion I think you should rest easy in the solace that this isn't a result of a drug habit. Let some of that stress melt and as a nuisance as it is I think you should seek licensed help.


First Post of mine on bluelight. I think that will do!

Keep your head up man and please keep us updated. Let us know how you feel, check in every now and then. PM if you ever need anyone to talk to. I've been (not too long ago actually) through a very similar episode and I am willing to bet you feel like nobody is there. I did at least.

I'm here Kosm. And I've lurked these forums for years, so I can say with confidence we are all here for ya!

One love unconditional
 
Wow, that was... inspiring? Maybe reassuring? Idk but thank you. It's true I have relatively little contact with drug use compared to other people, and I am under a ridiculous amount of stress from all manner of variables. And yes, you hit the nail on the head, I feel very alone. There is no one in my real life that I can talk to about this, and my relationships are a constant emotional roller coaster so its very difficult at times to figure out what is reality, what is a drug trip and what is a nightmare masquerading as reality. I'm really glad that you decided to post this (disclaimers and all) because it makes me feel at least just a little bit better, and I'll take all the good feels I can get. I too have struggled with what I thought (self-diagnosed, man you really called it, it's like you know o.o) was OCD throughout my childhood and have spent a lot of time trying to figure out whats wrong with my brain on my own. I think I'll take your advice and begin looking for a shrink to help me through this. It probably wont happen right away since I have very little money atm, but I'll look around and see what there is. Nonetheless, whether it's accurate or not, it is relieving to hear someone with a history of their own give their support. Ill keep this forum updated and try sharing some more experiences as I go. That's all for now though, thank you again MisterPrevalent, just having someone to talk to is a relief from the terrible isolation that is my mind.

(>*.*)>
 
Someone recently helped me out of a bad spot. Pay it forward. And it' hurts me when people are suffering, esoecially if they don't really know why.

But thankfully, any progress even little as setting the appointment will do loads in soothing you. Or it does me at least!

Knowledge is the most important and professionals can apply that knowledge.
 
How long has it been since you've used cocaine?

It's taken me a few months to regain my prior attention span for reading. When I was using buprenorphine, I could compulsively read/write for hours and hours on end. After I quit buprenorphine this last time, I needed a while before I regained this ability.

This is my second time getting off buprenorphine (the first time was the same case; a few weeks all I could do was watch TV shows and bitch and moan). But eventually things recovered for me.

There is evidence to lead one to believe cocaine has permanent effects on dopamine production/transmission in the brain, but I don't believe that means you'll be miserable forever. <3
 
Your brain will heal naturally on its own eventually. I don't think you fucked yourself. You might need help to kick it back into gear by seeking out psychiatric help. You're not the first to experience this. I never got addicted to cocaine, but got addicted to alcohol and MXE at different stages in my life and it did leave a void that took a while to fill. You hijacked your brain chemistry and now you brain chemistry needs to find a new normal. You'll be fine man, but don't hesitate to seek help.
 
I stopped using cocaine regularly two years ago, and only used it twice (at parties) since then. It's not so much that i don't have the attention span to sit down and read as much as i find no joy in sitting down and reading. Or anything really. In fact almost nothing holds my attention anymore, it all feels like a waste of time, and so i ironically enough just waste my time even more by doing nothing constructive. It's a terrible spiral, I feel like im good at nothing because i have wasted so many years indulging instead of honing skills, so I feel like im terrible at everything i try and cant stick to it long enough to see positive results. However before my cocaine use i used to get the best feels when i sat and imagined myself inside another world through reading or writing. Just about nothing gives me those great feels anymore, it's like i cant utilize my suspension of disbelief anymore. I'm trapped in a world where nothing will ever be better and nothing ever feels rewarding enough to participate in. Heck even hanging out with friends doesn't appeal to me. I would say I felt empty except it actually physically hurts a lot of the time. I'm not sure if its actual physical damage to my internal organs or sever emotional depression because i fucked up my dopamine receptors like you said. If its the later, then.... I really am absolutely screwed. Of course there's always the possibvility that I don't find fulfillment in my life because I live in the satanic indulgence capitol of the world, where all the people are fake and distant and every wonderful thing you see is an advertised illusion. But like I said I have no useful skills and so I can't get out because this corrupt place is the only thing that sustains my life. If I could I would leave and Live in the country on a large plot of land with a pack of dogs and a forest to keep me company. I'd wake up in the morning and breath the fresh smog free air and walk down the way to enjoy a beautiful saturday afternoon with my neighbors who are a couple of savvy humanitarians that can teach me all about self-sustenance in ways like growing my own food and practical skills like construction and such... whoa sorry, got off track there for a minute....

Anyway i feel no real joy anymore when I used to be able to find it in even the most unexpected places, so while it's probable that i completely fucked the reward center of my brain and am doomed to watch the rest of my life through a window of shattered dreams, I certainly hope that is not the case.
 
Yeah youre right, Ive been trying to convince myself that I can do It on my own, but I definitely need to find someone to sort everything out. I don't feel secure in any of my life choices thus far, and I have trouble deciding if it's my own paranoia, my tendency for self oriented sadism (thanks dad) or a legitimate protest by my subconscious. Whatever it is i know i haven't felt truly good in years and I need to find a way to fix it. I'm saving money for a shrink, the only problem is that where i live most if not all doctors only care about one thing: a quick paycheck. They see way to many patients and were brought up in a far too corrupt system to actually empathize with anyone, I mean, why listen to someones medical complaints when it's easier to spend two minutes looking at their charts then throw a diagnosis at them and say "goodbye, good luck, don't forget to go fuck yourself". That's not an exaggeration btw, but hopefully the shrinks around here will be different.
 
I wish you the best of luck with this. I wish I had THE answer to give you but I don't. I have been dealing with almost this exact thing. I was once how you were once ,I started sailed then sunk my doc ship . I got some advice to wait it out and sadly 6 yrs later here I am with about a hundredth of me back. Do I regret? No. I miss who I was but honestly for me it feels like Ive been there done that andcan never go back to the me that never expexperienced. Ive learned about myself that even tho I changed dramatically and "was just here" for a good portion after that that I could cherish my past but needed to grab hold of something in my now even if there wasn't much to grab hold of. Almost like I needed to rediscover myself and find what does grab me and make me feel like I'm more than just barely here. I have found things that make me truly happy again and now everything else is falling into place I have wants again I truly care again. The only thing I hate is that it took me that long to find my answer to my problem. Whatever you do just make sure u do it only for you. If u go into looking for answers for any other reason than that it just won't mean as much and might get shrugged off later... Best of luck.
 
I'm going to chime in like the old person that I am and say that much of what I went through when I was young, that appeared to me to be who I had become, did not turn out to be who I am at all. A lot of what was hell to go through--depression, anxiety, lethargy of spirit, loss of direction and motivation--turned out to be a very profound part of growing (sort of what I read in your post, zephyrhigh). Youth is trial by fire. If you suffer from depression and anxiety, boredom and lack of purpose and you take it on as your "self" you are doing yourself a grave disservice. If, however, you can take those same experiences and use them as training ground for developing strategies for combating these very normal human states you will be setting yourself up for a much easier adult life. Try not to over-think it while at the same time not using weed or anything else to run from thinking about it. Balance is key. Sensitive people have the most difficult beginnings but the most rewarding 'afterwards' IMO.;)
 
its your attitude man, you have to sort of decide to fully embrace all parts of life....

challenge yourself, do something spontaneous, go running like 6 miles to kick up the endorphins....

you are just comparing everyday sober reality to the fun times you had when you were coked up....

maybe quit the marijuana for awhile.... take a dose of shrooms to reset your brain a bit (if you cant find any good drugs for a reset, i would suggest a good 360 mg dose of DXM whhich you can find in cough syrup.... )

maybe get some herbal shit like kratom or kanna to help get some endorphins going

i would suggest quitting the weed, adopting a heafty lifting / running program, if you watch porn ; quit for awhile and let yourself recharge...

try to go out on a date.... get involved with a church or a group so you can get socially circulated and adopt new meaning to your life, many people crave ritualistic monastic type religious things and don't even know thats what they feel absent in their life. you don't havre to take it crazy serious or anything

i would start looking to a higher power , everyday try to snap yourself out of your head--- by reminding yourself how great your life truly is and for all the things you are grateful for.... many people derive great satisfaction from helping others, or vollunteering or doing charity stuff (sounds cheesy but its the truth mate)

find your reason for existing , your passion... close your eyes and think up a clear , precise image of how your ideal life would be... then draw out simple steps that needs be taken for you to realize this picture.
 
I'm not sure the cocaine addiction is the cause of your current problems since it has been 2 years. The symptoms you describe are textbook signs of Clinical Depression. In fact your whole post includes many signs of depression especially the part where weed is the only thing keeping you from wanting to die. I'm not a big believer in SSRIs but they do work for some people. The work they are doing with the ketamine analogues is what I am holding out for personally. But you really should tell a proffesional what you told us.
 
Kosm said:
Hello Bluelight, thank you guys so much for reading my post, and thank you twice as much if you left a comment!I have been struggling with this for years and I've finally come to the point where it needs to be resolved. Please excuse the exposition.

So a little back story: I used to be a shy, imaginative kid who enjoyed reading, video games and daydreaming. When i turned 19 i moved away from home to the city where a family "friend" introduced me to cocaine. For about the first 6 months i used about a gram a week, then for the next 6 months i used about 3 grams a week. I would mix cocaine with weed, Valium, alcohol and Seroquel. Eventually my family "friend" stated that he was over cocaine and would no longer buy any because he wanted to switch to Ecstasy, effectively cutting me off from my source. After a month of the worst withdrawals of my life I decided I didn't want to follow him down this new drug laden road and quit everything but weed, which i needed to keep from wanting to die.

Now I'm 26 and my life is ruined. I don't have the attention span to sit and read anymore. I have no motivation to do anything because nothing feels rewarding, even things i used to love. I live every day with severe emotional pain. My organs will spontaneously hurt like they are being crushed. I can't remember even simple things so I can barely hold down a minimum wage job.The surge of emotion and imagination I used to get while doing something i loved is gone. I have virtually no imagination anymore and my vocabulary has rapidly diminished.

So there it is. I am a total mess. Nothing feels good anymore, I live on alternating levels of 'bad' or 'really bad'. I can't even imagine having a future anymore. Really I feel like I'm already dead in a way.
Click to expand...

Honestly man, sounds like valium PAWS to me. Post acute withdrawal symptoms. They do go away with time, but with valium they will be around for a few months, up to 24 months or longer I've read. Trust me, if you were even only using it a few times a week in moderate doses over any lengthy period of time then you are feeling the effects of benzo PAWS. Especially the loss of short term memory and feeling stupider and having less attention. And you probably also fried your dopamine receptors a bit with all that coke use, but the good news is, continue staying clean, maybe cut down a bit on the weed as I find that can increase my depression, and you will start feeling better and eventually get back to 100%! You just gotta tough through this part, you can do it. Also, a positive attitude and positive thinking are CRUCIAL for getting out of a pit of depression. Even if it feels fake, any time you get depressed thoughts, do something to take your mind off it, or just try to focus on the positive things that you have in your life. Friends, family, job, girlfriend, a roof over your head. Try to remember to enjoy the simple things. The worst thing you can do is beat yourself up for some past drug use years ago, which leads to becoming all around more depressed.
 
I'm in the same boat man.

I've been sober for 6 months but my mental health is so poor I cannot keep a job. Or enjoy life.

But I do have hope. And that's what we need to hold on to. Find peace. Find God. Find something that makes life worth living.

Also, I'm seeing a psychiatrist and that's gonna be the best bet for finding direction.

This will end!! Life will go on!

:)
 
Thanks for the advice pbuilder, I actually read somewhere on MedMD that valium has seriously messed up side effects so what you say is completely believable. Same goes with the fried dopamine receptors, in fact that sounds even more likely. Often When I do something i used to love i get a slight twinge of joy that immediately fades to nothing, when in the past that joyful feeling would be merely the lead up to the crescendo of emotion that I would normally experience. I could defiantly use work on the positive thinking, I tend to torment myself with a constant influx of news articles about the sad state of affairs in the US economy (homelessness, unemployment, corruption etc.) and it only serves to encourage feelings of sadness and futility. I should probably try focusing on the small things first like you said, and worry about the world when I'm in a emotional state to positively influence it.
 
See a Doctor.

I know ssri's get a bad rap, but they could help get you serotonin levels back up(or something even stronger) Don't think about self medicating. Within a month or two you could be feeling ten times better.
 
Hi crimsonjunk, thank you for posting. Do you really think so? I've always tried to stay away from antidepressants, since I figured that even if they worked for a while the second they ran out it would be back to square one. Plus I never really assumed it was actually depression. I feel shitty yeah but I always pictured a depressed person as someone with a knife to their wrist or a rope around their neck, and I don't particularly plan on anything of that nature. Idk, maybe you're right and I'm messed up in a whole different way than I thought. My mom did die last year and I thought it was weird since It never really seemed to hit me, in fact it was almost dreamlike, especially since I had just stopped the heavy drug use a year before that. It was like coming out of a dream and seeing that the world had changed, but not really being able to interact with it in person. I know that there's a lot of stuff I need to deal with, I just wish I could make the kind of money it takes to buy the compassion I need. I can't talk to my friends about this kind of stuff, and my family are... well not an option.
 
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