KevinKansas
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2015
- Messages
- 2
I grew up in a drug culture saturated with myths, dangerous misinformation, partial truths and mass ignorance. I have watched a lot of peoples lives crumble, their freedoms stolen, and even a few die long before their time. I have been at the very edge of all these chasms myself, more than once. I had been fortunate, but never wanted to give up certain pleasures. So I educated myself and became as responsible as I knew how in order to continue with my lifestyle choices and still be a fairly health and productive citizen.
This created it's own set of problems. I always felt like I had to hide my true self, put on the mask, and play the drugs are bad game for the sake of those around me. I lived a dualist life filled with a balance of self doubt and personal justification. My secrets became emotionally and mentally toxic to the point of isolation. Not isolation from people, but from human connections.
Recently, I experienced something not far off from an absolute psychological meltdown while under the influence. I connected every negative aspect of my life up to that point directly to my substance abuse. All my bad decisions, a failed marriage, a failed businesses, lose of my home and properties, depression, anger, health problems and countless broken relationships. I imagine it was what some would call a moment of clarity. I decided it was time to spill my guts, bare my soul, humble myself before the people left in my life, put my business in jeopardy and admit this; I have a drug problem and need help. So I did. Except in a much more drawn out and vulgar manner that reeked of darkness and despair... on Facebook.
Then the madness started to commence. True colors started to show as well as an abundance of ignorance. The responses, phone calls and text message were overwhelming just within a couple hours. Many people offered any help they could, others turned their backs completely, some even threatened me out of fear I would expose their lifestyles and activities by association.
Late that morning I finally went to sleep. When I woke up I wished nothing more than it was all a bad dream. But it wasn't, everything was out in the open now. I didn't feel quite the same as I did when I was ripping my heart out and smearing it all over the internet. Things didn't seem near as bleak after a good rest, but what's done is done. My thoughts went something like this; SHIT, these people are going to force me into treatment!! I can't go into treatment! 30 days away from my business and I will definitely lose everything again! I don't even have a REAL drug problem!! The success rate of treatment for my main drug of choice is only about 11% anyway! FUUUCCCKK! Then I caught myself... Was this what they call denial? Dammit, maybe I do need help... How bad could a 30 day vacation in a rehabilitation facility be anyway. Plus my hearts not really in this business venture anyway.... Ok fine, lets do it! Maybe I can get in touch with one of those reality TV shows and turn this into something I can actually benefit from.
The following few days into the next couple weeks entailed this. I was cut off from my connections, all my employees but one quit, I had psychiatrist and doctors appointments set up, I was being hounded constantly about my sobriety from family, friends and misguided do gooders,. I was having to explain myself and correct poisoned logic many times a day. I had to rebut misnomers with evidence from studies. I had to educate about medical facts and fiction related to drug use, abuse and addiction. I quit taking SSRI anti-depressant medication. I was living sober aside from a few beers at the end of my day and a very low dose of prescribed Xanax... and caffeine... and a few hits of weed occasionally. Mostly sober, especially compared to the chemical balancing act I had been doing previously.
Without going to rehab.
This is when the magic started to happen. This is when the true moment of clarity came. For the first time in my life I was absolutely free. I didn't have to hide any longer. I was like a homosexual who had finally come out of the closet. The mask came off, what you see is what you get. I became a mountain. I was empowered. I felt passion instead of anger for the first time in my life.
This is what I learned; I never was a drug addict. I never had a drug problem. I was the product of a fringe subculture. I was repressed by a society filled with intolerance and bigotry fueled by fear and lies perpetuated by the governments propaganda. I was a fully functioning, generally health, productive member of my community that chose to spend my free time chemically enhanced. I am no longer ashamed.
Now I feel I need to give back. Share what I know, help who I can help. I need to stand up for all the lives that have been lost, families destroyed and minds impaired due to the taboo nature associated with drug use and blatant disregard of scientific knowledge.
I want to thank Bluelight for having me! I hope to create connections here and become deeply involved in the movements that are shedding light on the darkness worldwide. We can save lives. We can spread truth. We can change everything.
-Kevin Kansas
This created it's own set of problems. I always felt like I had to hide my true self, put on the mask, and play the drugs are bad game for the sake of those around me. I lived a dualist life filled with a balance of self doubt and personal justification. My secrets became emotionally and mentally toxic to the point of isolation. Not isolation from people, but from human connections.
Recently, I experienced something not far off from an absolute psychological meltdown while under the influence. I connected every negative aspect of my life up to that point directly to my substance abuse. All my bad decisions, a failed marriage, a failed businesses, lose of my home and properties, depression, anger, health problems and countless broken relationships. I imagine it was what some would call a moment of clarity. I decided it was time to spill my guts, bare my soul, humble myself before the people left in my life, put my business in jeopardy and admit this; I have a drug problem and need help. So I did. Except in a much more drawn out and vulgar manner that reeked of darkness and despair... on Facebook.
Then the madness started to commence. True colors started to show as well as an abundance of ignorance. The responses, phone calls and text message were overwhelming just within a couple hours. Many people offered any help they could, others turned their backs completely, some even threatened me out of fear I would expose their lifestyles and activities by association.
Late that morning I finally went to sleep. When I woke up I wished nothing more than it was all a bad dream. But it wasn't, everything was out in the open now. I didn't feel quite the same as I did when I was ripping my heart out and smearing it all over the internet. Things didn't seem near as bleak after a good rest, but what's done is done. My thoughts went something like this; SHIT, these people are going to force me into treatment!! I can't go into treatment! 30 days away from my business and I will definitely lose everything again! I don't even have a REAL drug problem!! The success rate of treatment for my main drug of choice is only about 11% anyway! FUUUCCCKK! Then I caught myself... Was this what they call denial? Dammit, maybe I do need help... How bad could a 30 day vacation in a rehabilitation facility be anyway. Plus my hearts not really in this business venture anyway.... Ok fine, lets do it! Maybe I can get in touch with one of those reality TV shows and turn this into something I can actually benefit from.
The following few days into the next couple weeks entailed this. I was cut off from my connections, all my employees but one quit, I had psychiatrist and doctors appointments set up, I was being hounded constantly about my sobriety from family, friends and misguided do gooders,. I was having to explain myself and correct poisoned logic many times a day. I had to rebut misnomers with evidence from studies. I had to educate about medical facts and fiction related to drug use, abuse and addiction. I quit taking SSRI anti-depressant medication. I was living sober aside from a few beers at the end of my day and a very low dose of prescribed Xanax... and caffeine... and a few hits of weed occasionally. Mostly sober, especially compared to the chemical balancing act I had been doing previously.
Without going to rehab.
This is when the magic started to happen. This is when the true moment of clarity came. For the first time in my life I was absolutely free. I didn't have to hide any longer. I was like a homosexual who had finally come out of the closet. The mask came off, what you see is what you get. I became a mountain. I was empowered. I felt passion instead of anger for the first time in my life.
This is what I learned; I never was a drug addict. I never had a drug problem. I was the product of a fringe subculture. I was repressed by a society filled with intolerance and bigotry fueled by fear and lies perpetuated by the governments propaganda. I was a fully functioning, generally health, productive member of my community that chose to spend my free time chemically enhanced. I am no longer ashamed.
Now I feel I need to give back. Share what I know, help who I can help. I need to stand up for all the lives that have been lost, families destroyed and minds impaired due to the taboo nature associated with drug use and blatant disregard of scientific knowledge.
I want to thank Bluelight for having me! I hope to create connections here and become deeply involved in the movements that are shedding light on the darkness worldwide. We can save lives. We can spread truth. We can change everything.
-Kevin Kansas
