Hello! Any advice on what to do here?

[CalmG]

Hi guys,

So yeah I'm gay. Found out when I was 17. I had been smoking chronic since age 14 almost every weekend. At 16 was very popular at school, comfortable with myself, ect.


Being from a homophobic area, at 17 I was still smoking chronic a lot at this point. It began to give me issues. I would talk to myself constantly to check if I was talking in a gay way or not, wouldn't wear just a t-shirt incase my arms were moving in a gay way, and literally for 8 months straight couldn't think about anything other than obsessing over whether I was gay or not. Subsqeuntly outwardly I become not a very pleasant person to be around and fall out with many friends.


Age 24, no longer smoking weed at all, have become comfortable with myself to point where I work in a job that requires high confidence. Am described as charismatic, charming ect, very well liked.


Get into friendship with nutter, fall out, things he says triggers past issues.


For 8 months solid cant stop obsessing over whether I am crazy or not, can't stop obsessing over how I sound when I talk to people, subsqeuntly begin to fall out with friends as before and have to leave job. It is like when I was 17 but instead of obsessing over whether I am gay am obsessing over what is wrong with me whether I am nuts or not ect. It's not something I want to do. Don't want to obsesses over it, but can't stop.

Before when comfortable described as bubbily and friendly and funny.


Before this never even thought about myself as a person, not very self-awear just assumed I was nice and that was enough.


Have gone from confident and attractive and self-sufficient to a mess considering suicide because I am a waste of space, completely uncomfortable in my own skin. What to be friendly bubbily person again but its almost like I don't know how to do it when before it was compeltly natural. Drinking almost everyday at the moment because am devastated to have come so far and to be back to square one.

Don't know whats wrong with me.

 

[frazerinc]

hey man, keep hanging in there, i know that feeling as i am in a heavy depression currently myself.
i have been washing away the depression with mxe for some months now, but i realized that thats not the right way.
hopefully there are things in your life that are worth continuing for, sometimes its hard to realize them, but they exist!
i dont know if you already have, but i would really recommend talking to someone in person, and dont be afraid to go see a doctor, not because it's just their job, but usually they really want to help you. sometimes it might not be easy finding the right one who understands you correctly.
here, something that helped me at least a little bit when my depression hits me really hard http://imgur.com/gallery/jpuiH

 

[Crashing]

Life is full of ups and downs. Maybe you need a camping trip or something to take your mind of trivial aspects of social life and get in tune with a more natural reality. The absolute worse thing you can do is seek medication/drug therapy, or start drinking heavily. I don't really think anything is wrong with you, as we all go through intense phases. Sometimes we put on a face for the outside world but it's only a matter of time before we are reminded by ourselves who we really are.

 

[herbavore]

Mindfulness based cognitive behavioral therapy will do wonders for what you are describing. Obsession is thought looping. It digs a deeper and deeper rut of anxiety every time it repeats and undermines your sense of self. You need to have tools to stop the cycle. Whatever you do, don't fall into the trap of drugging the feelings and thoughts away. Facing them and understanding where they originate and even what purpose they serve in your psyche is the key. It's difficult to do this completely on your own IMO but you can find resources on the web. Do you have access to therapy? If not, invest in a couple of good books and explore what you can find online. There is a lot out there.

Coming from a homophobic background and being gay has no doubt left you with some deep scars, one of which is probably this obsessive thinking that something "wrong" is going to show, that you are going to be exposed. One good thing that you might consider is joining a self-help group of LGBT people that could be supportive in dealing with these issues.

Try not to focus on the past and what you have lost (your job and friends) but on the present. You are learning, you are not stuck. You are struggling through difficulties but you are not defeated. You are faced right now with an opportunity to change something very old and persistent. That is never easy but when you don't run away from it, when you confront it and stand up to it, you empower yourself in a way that allows for real change to happen. Glad you posted; that was a very positive step to take.

 

[Wolfmans_BrothEr]

I've found the more you focus on the way you conduct and carry yourself, the more awkward u become. Quit dwelling on the way your arms move or your voice sounds and just be you. The rest comes naturally

Me, and the people I choose to associate myself with, don't care as much how you flail your arms or how you say certain words, we care more about the type of person you are.

If you live in a place where you feel alienated or ostracized due to your lifestyle/habits, then move. Are you in the Midwest or the south or some shit? Move to one of the coasts. We're much more liberal over here and you'll find a shitton more people a fuck lot weirder than you think you are lol

O nvm, ur in the uk

 

[CalmG]

Coming from a homophobic background and being gay has no doubt left you with some deep scars, one of which is probably this obsessive thinking that something "wrong" is going to show, that you are going to be exposed. One good thing that you might consider is joining a self-help group of LGBT people that could be supportive in dealing with these issues.

Think you've probably hit the nail on the head. ATM I'm living at my parents following meltdown of real life, so not in best place to begin conquering this as it is the homophobic area I was from. But yeah that's probably it thank you.

I was so comfortable with myself before that I could literally pull someone in a gaybar within 20 seconds of entering no exaggeration.

Wolfmans ty for your reply also. I had that idea myself, unfortunately the social meltdown happened in Brighton (was working as a fundraiser there) so can't go back for time being. Thinking of moving to Bristol in near future.

 

[Sepher]

I agree exactly with Herb. You've established a kind of thinking pattern when you were suffering the anxiety of coming out, even to yourself I suspect, and have fallen back into those old patterns of thinking. Something lots of us do. Acknowledge them for what they are: distorted thinking patterns that do not reflect the reality of who and what you are. Only you sees this shit probably, I suspect actually you're just fine. If distorted thinking is leading to behaviours you don't much like change the thinking exactly as Herb suggests, CBT or a talking cure type therapy perhaps. LGBT support groups will be able to help you here I'm sure.

The Brighton thing? Just how bad was this social meltdown that it could even begin to really matter in a gay friendly town that size? You must have been really going some to piss them ALL off, huh? Look, most people on the LGBT spectrum find acknowledging that in themselves really difficult. It generally happens when they're young. You know what? Young people don't always deal with truly difficult things like this very well. Most of the LGBT community in Brighton will have been through the exact same kind of shit you have. How many of them will really give a shit? If you've burned bridges too much with one circle, find another. I wonder if that's really the insurmountable problem you think it is. Again, this could be more distorted thinking than anything genuinely reflective of the realities of the situation but hey, I don't know the ins and outs do I. Could that be true though, d'you think?

If you feel a change of scene is genuinely needed and would be good for you then fine, do it. I'd recommend Manchester as a big city you can construct a whole new identity in with probably the best gay village in the country. I would recommend it that is if it wasn't always pissing it down raining. Hey, most of the Mancs I know seem to have got used to that.