FnX
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 8, 2009
- Messages
- 749
...and welcome to my new HOME
Where I've lived for the past week. I had to move in a bit of a rush because of school and all so no, I don't have actual furniture and can't afford any either. Blah blah blah, well this place makes me want to vomit blood on to the walls and set myself on fire, seeing how I can't figure out a way to make things better either. It kinda looks nice because I still haven't had much time to live here either... Does someone seriously think I have energy to actually keep this place nice and tidy? Haha dream on, don't seem to have the energy to even stuff food down my throat lately.
And how are you, my dear fellow bluelighters? I feel like shit. I'm shaking and sweating on that fucking mattress you see in the picture right now, sort of wanting to constantly vomit but also sort of not wanting to vomit as well. The mental side? Let's just skip that altogether... don't even wanna go there right now I think. Don't want much else but to die right now, I wish someone would just bust through that door and shoot me with a shotgun. Hell, I'd settle for a stabbing with a rusty knife too.
Been through benzos, opiates, ketamine and a crapload of weed lately... I don't want this shit but I'm desperately trying to keep this sinking ship sailing and I don't know even why... there's nothing I'm looking forward to except death. Still I choise to go to school. Still I drag myself up every fucking miserable day, not knowing why. I kept telling myself for the whole last year that this is gonna be my last try to set things straight and try to build a life that I can enjoy and if I fail... well yeah, imagine the rest. So far everything feels like a motherfucking disaster, I mean it looks like today is going to be the day I dip myself into the whole needle business, does that speak for itself? I don't know nor do I really seem to care right now. I'd actually pay for someone to kill me, I won't put up any resistance and I'd do my best to assist the goddamn procedure, sounds like a good deal to me but... I guess I just don't know people that are enough fucked up.
Thinking about these little things how to end my life is one of the few pleasure I seem to have right now, knowing that one day all this shit and suffering is going to end gives me some perverted sense of hope. Oh god I think I sound miserable, I'm sorry I didn't intend to...
Where I've lived for the past week. I had to move in a bit of a rush because of school and all so no, I don't have actual furniture and can't afford any either. Blah blah blah, well this place makes me want to vomit blood on to the walls and set myself on fire, seeing how I can't figure out a way to make things better either. It kinda looks nice because I still haven't had much time to live here either... Does someone seriously think I have energy to actually keep this place nice and tidy? Haha dream on, don't seem to have the energy to even stuff food down my throat lately.
And how are you, my dear fellow bluelighters? I feel like shit. I'm shaking and sweating on that fucking mattress you see in the picture right now, sort of wanting to constantly vomit but also sort of not wanting to vomit as well. The mental side? Let's just skip that altogether... don't even wanna go there right now I think. Don't want much else but to die right now, I wish someone would just bust through that door and shoot me with a shotgun. Hell, I'd settle for a stabbing with a rusty knife too.
Been through benzos, opiates, ketamine and a crapload of weed lately... I don't want this shit but I'm desperately trying to keep this sinking ship sailing and I don't know even why... there's nothing I'm looking forward to except death. Still I choise to go to school. Still I drag myself up every fucking miserable day, not knowing why. I kept telling myself for the whole last year that this is gonna be my last try to set things straight and try to build a life that I can enjoy and if I fail... well yeah, imagine the rest. So far everything feels like a motherfucking disaster, I mean it looks like today is going to be the day I dip myself into the whole needle business, does that speak for itself? I don't know nor do I really seem to care right now. I'd actually pay for someone to kill me, I won't put up any resistance and I'd do my best to assist the goddamn procedure, sounds like a good deal to me but... I guess I just don't know people that are enough fucked up.
Thinking about these little things how to end my life is one of the few pleasure I seem to have right now, knowing that one day all this shit and suffering is going to end gives me some perverted sense of hope. Oh god I think I sound miserable, I'm sorry I didn't intend to...
