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Hearing about an abusive relationship

Flow

Flow

Bluelighter
Joined
May 7, 2012
Messages
51
Location
USA
It's really tearing me up, because I know this guy personally and I know so many people that put up with him. Recently I learned that he has beaten his girlfriend (and I assume more than once), and made her get an abortion against her will. They just recently got back together so I took the liberty of telling her my story when I heard all the fucked up things that he's done. He almost got me an accessory to theft charge for stealing a pipe also, and I knew through one of his friends that he gave the stolen pipe to her for her birthday (that I fucking paid $80 for to avoid being charged with accessory to theft). He called me and told me NOT to tell her, that he would owe me, that I'd be saving his life, etc. But I just didn't fucking care at this point. It only took me a month to realize that I needed to cut this guy out of my life.

She thanked me profusely for shedding light on his lies and whatnot, that she was happy to hear this so she could avoid same shitty situation again she'd been in with him for the past 2 years. But they still got back together a couple days ago. She didn't break up with him. I know for a fact that he manipulated her into getting back together with him, and that they're currently living together. Or should I put it, he's living with her at her own place, not paying for shit, mooching and leeching off her. I hoped she would kick his ass out on the curb, but that was just foolish hope.

I don't understand why people allow these toxic people to infect their lives. I know that this guy has had a shitty life, but that's no excuse for wreaking havoc in the lives of others. One of my friends even told me I was "ice cold" for telling the truth to his girlfriend. I don't even know what to think. Is he really that sick in the head? So sick that he's making other people sick too? It breaks my heart. Is there any hope for him? Any hope for her to break free from this awful relationship?
 
you have no control over this

she is her own person free to behave however she wants. if that behaviour is stupid then so be it...

i used to get annoyed for other people, now i just them get on with it and i worry about my own life
 
I've been called a glutton for punishment, making bad choices in relationships & staying when I should of gotten out.

She's got to figure this out on her own unfortunately, hopefully more sooner than later. I've been on both ends.

Maybe she truly appreciates your advice but not ready emotionally to move on just yet.
 
You can go in hard and have a serious conversation with her, have her write a pros and cons list. Sometimes this helps see how it's not probably balanced. Then, is the abusive relationship really worth all those good loving times? Will the abusive get worse? Will the good loving times get less? Ultimately, you can do your part--but beware of coming across too hard because she loves him and all so she doesn't appreciate you taking shit about her bf constantly. She's going to completely shut down on you and not tell you things anymore. That's why you make her write the list herself. Then you can have a talk with her--but don't start angry ranting. You want to approach this very calmly and loving because the last thing you want is her shutting you out.
 
Again....people will treat you the way you allow them to. If you don't allow it, then it won't happen.

Nothing you can do except be a friend when/if she leaves. Has to be her decision.
 
This is her life and if she decides to stay with him then that is her choice and hers alone. As you seem to be closer to the guy than the girl it's time for you just to cut him (and his lifestyle) out of your life and move on.

Who he dates, what he does to them etc really has nothing to do with you and contacting them 'telling tales' is a bit sad. If the girl in the picture was a friend of yours by all means get involved but otherwise it's really none of your business.
 
You already did what you could. The choice is ultimately hers whether to stay or go. Nothing else you can do.
 
Getting involved will be to your detriment.

As others have stated, she will make her own choices--good and bad.

You can be someone for her to confide in and offer some support, but she needs to make her own choice to move on in her own time.


I've been on both sides of this kind of equation, and it is incredibly hard to see how obviously toxic and destructive a relationship can be from an outsiders perspective.
 
Yes, I agree with everyone else. She will have to figure this out on her own. She plays a part in this as well...for example, no one can "force" you to have an abortion....she could have made the choice to do something different, but she didn't.

In this case, I wold let her know that you are there for her when she gets rid of him, but other than that I would stay far away.
 
This is quite typical of weak minded women. They believe that this abuse is the abuser showing affection and love to them. Don't waste your time trying to help. I have wasted countless nights having them move out and move their shit, countless days attending court hearings etc. in the end they ran back. Lost cause IMHO
 
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