>.<
my head hurts, but in the tense way where you can't get your jaws to be comfortable, and it's been hurting since around noon. i take care of a thirteen year old girl with major disabilities, and i hate to say it but she stresses me out so much sometimes that i can physically feel the effects. of course, i have smoked at least seven cigarettes today, and haven't really eaten well, but it's been too hot and i've been too busy either chasing Remmy (names have been changed to protect the innocent) or trying to peel her off of me to eat anything proper. i do also like to sit down and eat with people who i can converse with, she not being one of them (she's non-verbal). my family (my sister and my mom) never ever eat together either, and that kind of bothers me as much as trying to keep Remmy from pinching, biting, or slapping me. being twenty years old, one can only expect so much as far as family meal time goes, but people at work talk about how they eat with their family every single night and it kind of bothers me, especially since i never had that growing up. it also bothers me how Remmy's family has 6 kids, and all but Remmy are in sports, which i never had the opportunity to do as a child either. sometimes i wonder if i had done as many fucked up things had i been involved in sports, etc., but on the same token, i was "that kid" that had to do things the fucked up way, partially because even if i did the right thing, the same outcome would occur as if i had done the wrong thing. anyways, on the topic of family and not eating together, i've really been thinking about moving up state, to live with a good friend, or moving to an apartment of my own. either way, i would like to be out of the house by winter. i'm actually kind of obsessing over the thought of moving up north, and i've kind of slightly committed to Lindsay. (again, names have been changed to protect the innocent.) i've actually been stringing Lindsay along for years, putting off the day when i actually move up there. i stayed with her once for a week, and all we did was party. granted, that was in my active using days, but i'm not even technically in recovery, i'm just staying sober out of absolute necessity... i'm afraid that she doesn't take my recovery seriously, and i'm afraid that quitting two jobs to move up north would be completely foolish. on the same token, her and i have been amazing friends for years, and she was there for me when nobody else was. and i'm sick of this god-awful town, in the middle of a shit state. also, moving out on my own would cost a tremendous amount of money, none of which i have saved at the moment, and if i moved in with Lindsay then we would split rent, utilities, etc. i always have wanted to move away, but i also think that i might be noticing a pattern in my travels, and that is that whenever it's time for me to do something on my own, aka get an apartment, car or job, i always move. being an addict not in recovery, i also am terrified of what the future holds for me, especially since right now i can at least coast on the two jobs that i've got and using a car of my mom's, but something in me is telling me not to be a 'coaster.' i've always hated people who coast and settle down and accept growing up and maybe that's the rebel in me, the addict that says "fuck the man." i also for the first time in a long time have something to lose. i've been running over this again and again in my head, to no avail. i have some weird fight/flight drive, i tell you. i'm just afraid that i'm going to fuck myself over again and come running back to mommy, like i did last year when i high-tailed it out of colorado almost as fast as i high-tailed it there. i'm sick of failure, and i'm sick of this rut. i'm sick of being in this small town, and i'm sick of being sick. <iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/A5GYOsKLp6o" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> blahhhh. growing up suckss. i want anything but where i'm at in life, and i don't know how to do anything about it. all of my friends from high school are gone, and they were just party buddies anyways. my little sister is here, but i'm such a loser that i can't even be a respectable big sister to her. i have told her that i wouldn't go anywhere until she graduated because this house is falling to shit and she doesn't want to be alone, but this house is falling to shit and i don't want to see it happen. i don't want to leave her alone again though, which is what i did when i moved to colorado... but fuck this, typing it out isn't helping like i had hoped, it's just making my insanity public so i'm out, i need to eat some food, maybe take a shower and pass the fuck out cause i've got to work at nine. *rat racin' it, FTFW
my head hurts, but in the tense way where you can't get your jaws to be comfortable, and it's been hurting since around noon. i take care of a thirteen year old girl with major disabilities, and i hate to say it but she stresses me out so much sometimes that i can physically feel the effects. of course, i have smoked at least seven cigarettes today, and haven't really eaten well, but it's been too hot and i've been too busy either chasing Remmy (names have been changed to protect the innocent) or trying to peel her off of me to eat anything proper. i do also like to sit down and eat with people who i can converse with, she not being one of them (she's non-verbal). my family (my sister and my mom) never ever eat together either, and that kind of bothers me as much as trying to keep Remmy from pinching, biting, or slapping me. being twenty years old, one can only expect so much as far as family meal time goes, but people at work talk about how they eat with their family every single night and it kind of bothers me, especially since i never had that growing up. it also bothers me how Remmy's family has 6 kids, and all but Remmy are in sports, which i never had the opportunity to do as a child either. sometimes i wonder if i had done as many fucked up things had i been involved in sports, etc., but on the same token, i was "that kid" that had to do things the fucked up way, partially because even if i did the right thing, the same outcome would occur as if i had done the wrong thing. anyways, on the topic of family and not eating together, i've really been thinking about moving up state, to live with a good friend, or moving to an apartment of my own. either way, i would like to be out of the house by winter. i'm actually kind of obsessing over the thought of moving up north, and i've kind of slightly committed to Lindsay. (again, names have been changed to protect the innocent.) i've actually been stringing Lindsay along for years, putting off the day when i actually move up there. i stayed with her once for a week, and all we did was party. granted, that was in my active using days, but i'm not even technically in recovery, i'm just staying sober out of absolute necessity... i'm afraid that she doesn't take my recovery seriously, and i'm afraid that quitting two jobs to move up north would be completely foolish. on the same token, her and i have been amazing friends for years, and she was there for me when nobody else was. and i'm sick of this god-awful town, in the middle of a shit state. also, moving out on my own would cost a tremendous amount of money, none of which i have saved at the moment, and if i moved in with Lindsay then we would split rent, utilities, etc. i always have wanted to move away, but i also think that i might be noticing a pattern in my travels, and that is that whenever it's time for me to do something on my own, aka get an apartment, car or job, i always move. being an addict not in recovery, i also am terrified of what the future holds for me, especially since right now i can at least coast on the two jobs that i've got and using a car of my mom's, but something in me is telling me not to be a 'coaster.' i've always hated people who coast and settle down and accept growing up and maybe that's the rebel in me, the addict that says "fuck the man." i also for the first time in a long time have something to lose. i've been running over this again and again in my head, to no avail. i have some weird fight/flight drive, i tell you. i'm just afraid that i'm going to fuck myself over again and come running back to mommy, like i did last year when i high-tailed it out of colorado almost as fast as i high-tailed it there. i'm sick of failure, and i'm sick of this rut. i'm sick of being in this small town, and i'm sick of being sick. <iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/A5GYOsKLp6o" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> blahhhh. growing up suckss. i want anything but where i'm at in life, and i don't know how to do anything about it. all of my friends from high school are gone, and they were just party buddies anyways. my little sister is here, but i'm such a loser that i can't even be a respectable big sister to her. i have told her that i wouldn't go anywhere until she graduated because this house is falling to shit and she doesn't want to be alone, but this house is falling to shit and i don't want to see it happen. i don't want to leave her alone again though, which is what i did when i moved to colorado... but fuck this, typing it out isn't helping like i had hoped, it's just making my insanity public so i'm out, i need to eat some food, maybe take a shower and pass the fuck out cause i've got to work at nine. *rat racin' it, FTFW