Tryptamine*Dreamer
Ex-Bluelighter
I wrote this trip report a while ago, but I don't think I ever posted it.
The trip I am writing about was my first trip with any psychedelic. It took place more than five years ago. I am writing about it because it changed my life more than anything I can recall. Before the trip, I had been severely depressed for four years. I attempted suicide twice and had other suicide plans that I was never able to carry out. I wanted to die, and the primary reason for the trip was a hope that it would either improve the depression or push me over the edge so I could end my life. It was a long time ago, so the times are just rough estimates. I do not remember all of the details.
T+0:00 I thoroughly chew 12 seeds and swallow. The taste is horrible, and stays around for a while.
T+2:00 It has been a couple of hours, and I am not feeling much. My vision is altered in a way that is hard to define.
T+3:00 Definitely feeling altered and the nausea has gotten worse. Everything looks different. I feel terrible, mentally and physically. I would not call these effects psychedelic, just fucked up in a bad way. Everything seems strange.
T+4:00 Around this time the nausea hits a peak and I vomit. After that, I start to dry heave. This continues for maybe 15 minutes.
T+4:30 I feel so bad. I want to die. My body feels poisoned and my mood is one of despair. I want this to end now. I am going to try to sleep.
T+5:00 I can't sleep. The lights are out and I can see the visuals now. They consist of multicolor blobs, similar to a lava lamp. This is the only trip where I saw this type of visual. The nausea has subsided, but the despair has intensified. I now feel as if I am going insane. I feel intense regret over how terribly I have been treating my parents and anyone else I have the opportunity to mistreat. I have said the most horrible things to my parents daily for the last few years. It is not because I hate them, I have just been so miserable. I wish my mother would have had an abortion, and I have told her so many times. The tears of sorrow keep flowing.
T+5:30 I feel worse than I ever have before. I want to kill myself. Time is moving so slowly. The last 30 minutes seem more like 30 hours. I look at my watch expecting to see that an hour has passed but find that it has been only a minute or two. Time has never moved so slowly, before or since. I feel nothing but disgust with myself. I deserve to suffer. I am a horrible person.
T+6:00 Time is still crawling by at an unimaginably slow pace. I feel that I am permanently insane. I fear that I will be stuck in this hellish state for eternity. I feel a mix of mostly negative emotions. Regret, fear, self-hatred, hopelessness. Guilt for treating my parents like shit. I also feel love for my mother and some other people I have mistreated. This is the closest thing to hell I have ever felt. If this lasts forever, it will be what I deserve. The temperature feels uncomfortably cold. There is not a moment of comfort.
T+8:00 I can feel it starting to wear off. This is a great relief. It won't last forever afterall. I still feel like shit. I still feel the sorrow and regret. I want more than anything to change. I want to be nicer. I want the depression to go away. I can't see anyway to change, and that is something I can't take.
T+9:00 Feeling a mixture of negative emotions and peacefulness. Even moments of euphoria.
T+10:00 The deepest peace and well-being has washed over me. I feel like I have been saved. I am crying again, but this time it is tears of joy. I know I can change. I feel like things will get better. This is the first time I have felt hopeful in years. Tomorrow, I am going to apologize for the things I have said and done. I can't change the past, but I can make the future better. I will not continue to treat people so badly.
T+11:00 The peacefulness and well-being are not as strong now, but I still feel good and I feel that I have changed for the better. I am tired, and soon I will sleep.
T+12:30 This is around the time I got to sleep, still feeling peace and comfort.
Next day: I feel very good. There are some feelings of regret over my behavior the last few years, but overall I feel good. I apologize to my mother. I say nothing to my dad. He was yelling and screaming at my mom, so I did not say a word to him.
For over a week, the depression was completely erased. It did come back gradually after that, but never anywhere near as bad as it was before the trip. I have also treated people much better since the trip. It has been over five years, so it seems the improvement was permanent. This was perhaps the most important night of my life, and definitely the most important trip. I don't think I would be alive today if I had not found something to alleviate the depression. I still use psychedelics, and they will usually get rid of the depression for 2-4 weeks.
The trip I am writing about was my first trip with any psychedelic. It took place more than five years ago. I am writing about it because it changed my life more than anything I can recall. Before the trip, I had been severely depressed for four years. I attempted suicide twice and had other suicide plans that I was never able to carry out. I wanted to die, and the primary reason for the trip was a hope that it would either improve the depression or push me over the edge so I could end my life. It was a long time ago, so the times are just rough estimates. I do not remember all of the details.
T+0:00 I thoroughly chew 12 seeds and swallow. The taste is horrible, and stays around for a while.
T+2:00 It has been a couple of hours, and I am not feeling much. My vision is altered in a way that is hard to define.
T+3:00 Definitely feeling altered and the nausea has gotten worse. Everything looks different. I feel terrible, mentally and physically. I would not call these effects psychedelic, just fucked up in a bad way. Everything seems strange.
T+4:00 Around this time the nausea hits a peak and I vomit. After that, I start to dry heave. This continues for maybe 15 minutes.
T+4:30 I feel so bad. I want to die. My body feels poisoned and my mood is one of despair. I want this to end now. I am going to try to sleep.
T+5:00 I can't sleep. The lights are out and I can see the visuals now. They consist of multicolor blobs, similar to a lava lamp. This is the only trip where I saw this type of visual. The nausea has subsided, but the despair has intensified. I now feel as if I am going insane. I feel intense regret over how terribly I have been treating my parents and anyone else I have the opportunity to mistreat. I have said the most horrible things to my parents daily for the last few years. It is not because I hate them, I have just been so miserable. I wish my mother would have had an abortion, and I have told her so many times. The tears of sorrow keep flowing.
T+5:30 I feel worse than I ever have before. I want to kill myself. Time is moving so slowly. The last 30 minutes seem more like 30 hours. I look at my watch expecting to see that an hour has passed but find that it has been only a minute or two. Time has never moved so slowly, before or since. I feel nothing but disgust with myself. I deserve to suffer. I am a horrible person.
T+6:00 Time is still crawling by at an unimaginably slow pace. I feel that I am permanently insane. I fear that I will be stuck in this hellish state for eternity. I feel a mix of mostly negative emotions. Regret, fear, self-hatred, hopelessness. Guilt for treating my parents like shit. I also feel love for my mother and some other people I have mistreated. This is the closest thing to hell I have ever felt. If this lasts forever, it will be what I deserve. The temperature feels uncomfortably cold. There is not a moment of comfort.
T+8:00 I can feel it starting to wear off. This is a great relief. It won't last forever afterall. I still feel like shit. I still feel the sorrow and regret. I want more than anything to change. I want to be nicer. I want the depression to go away. I can't see anyway to change, and that is something I can't take.
T+9:00 Feeling a mixture of negative emotions and peacefulness. Even moments of euphoria.
T+10:00 The deepest peace and well-being has washed over me. I feel like I have been saved. I am crying again, but this time it is tears of joy. I know I can change. I feel like things will get better. This is the first time I have felt hopeful in years. Tomorrow, I am going to apologize for the things I have said and done. I can't change the past, but I can make the future better. I will not continue to treat people so badly.
T+11:00 The peacefulness and well-being are not as strong now, but I still feel good and I feel that I have changed for the better. I am tired, and soon I will sleep.
T+12:30 This is around the time I got to sleep, still feeling peace and comfort.
Next day: I feel very good. There are some feelings of regret over my behavior the last few years, but overall I feel good. I apologize to my mother. I say nothing to my dad. He was yelling and screaming at my mom, so I did not say a word to him.
For over a week, the depression was completely erased. It did come back gradually after that, but never anywhere near as bad as it was before the trip. I have also treated people much better since the trip. It has been over five years, so it seems the improvement was permanent. This was perhaps the most important night of my life, and definitely the most important trip. I don't think I would be alive today if I had not found something to alleviate the depression. I still use psychedelics, and they will usually get rid of the depression for 2-4 weeks.
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