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Having a pretty rough year.

swmo

swmo

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 31, 2009
Messages
181
Location
MO (Misery)
i've been through a lot this year. pain, physical or emotional tries to run each day. just fuckin man up, i tell myself. i tell myself a lot of shit & it doesn't always work. i read cutsie positive inspirational quotes on fb & wonder if the author ever went thru more'n a bee sting. there're just some times when i can't go around wearing a smile & being an "inspiration" to others. it's not my job to inspire your ass, is it? find your own reason to get up this morning! i ain't it. i can barely handle my own emotionally overflowing plate. i miss several people like crazy who were taken from me this year, beginning in january. i survived the direct path of an ef-5 tornado in may. that didn't fuck with me as much as the realization that the dreams i had with TF, who i lost in january could've come true. could've being the operative word there. who knows what could've happened between jan-may. i recently tore a muscle in my back/shoulder. it hurt(s) & i know pain. (as nomofosho) i see a chiropractor. he is an awesome, open-minded young guy. he helps me with much more than body manipulation. although he's never suffered addiction, he has come thru adversity that i may not have made it through. thank God for him because he's become my doc, friend, & mental health expert & big brother (he's younger than i) all in 1. without him to be my sounding board, i don't know who i'd have to speak to personally. i lost a woman i loved very deeply in january, then a whole slew of folks died here on or as a result of events that took place on 5/22/11. yet i do smile, with reason. God has been sparing my life for years. i wish He was on my timetable & would just show me that crack in the door i'm supposed to slip through & BECOME. i'm just not strong mentally @ all today & feel like just dosing up & sleeping the day away. but, i've come to hate easy ways out.
 
swmo, I've lost someone too - my boyfriend, 2 months ago, so I know exactly how you feel. Everything changes, doesn't it? You have to live by a new scale.. I was so naive before this, I used to think I had difficulties, but nothing comes even close to the pain of losing Dave. It's the hardest thing life can throw at you, losing a loved one.. and it sounds like you have so many other issues going on too. You might not feel strong, but my goodness, you are - you are still here and breathing, despite all that has happened to you, and smiling too! I know how much effort that must have taken and I am so pleased to hear you say that, and so impressed <3

It's good that you recognise easy way outs aren't the answer. We desperately need some repsite, but we have to feel all the emotions and go through this all without numbing it all with drugs, or we're just storing up problems for later.. that, again, makes me think that you are indeed very strong, and very smart and self aware too <3

I'm so glad you have someone positive in your life, it sounds like he is a real lifeline. That's so important. Have you had any therapy or counselling? Do you have a good support network?

I wish I had a magic fix for you and could take away your pain.. I hate coming out with this, it sounds like such a cliche, but the only thing that can heal something like this is time. You will never "get over it" - I know I never will - but I believe we will learn to live with it, and things will get easier. I don't know when, and you are quite a long way ahead of me on this path.. but it will happen.

I'm going to be starting a grief/bereavement megathread here soon - pm me if you have any ideas for it, or if you would just like to speak to someone who understands. Hang in there. You've come so far and through so much - you should be so proud of yourself <3

And keep talking to us on here! I really find getting out what I am feeling helps me so much, and there are a few of us on here who have lost someone too and can relate directly - and a whole load of other lovely people who will offer unconditional support whenever you need it..
 
fuck, man. sounds like you are having an extreme version of my 2005. if it makes you feel better, it got worse- much worse- before it got better. but, eventually it did turn. I got through it by trying to imagine that the purpose of existences is experience. your current theater of experience happens to be suffering. it helped me to own my emotions but not take them so personally at the same time. make any sense?
 
^ that gives me hope.. I'm so early on, it's so hard to imagine how things will turn out..

swmo, I'm in the process of compiling any useful links/info I have found (sadly it's mostly UK orientated, but some of it isn't) and going to ask herbavore for some help to. Infact I'll send you both a pm, you too mebalzitch, see if anyone has any ideas. My plan is for the first page to have links for resources, then for it to basically be whatever we need it to be - a place to vent, to talk about how we are, who we lost, offer support and advice.. whatever we need. Might take me a few days or so to get it together (probably after the weekend actually) but it is on it's way :)

Much <3 to you both. Mebalzitch, I'm so glad things started to lift for you. What you say does make perfect sense, yes :) <3
 
Excellent, thank you! Have pm'd, we can discuss it there - anyone else interested in helping, feel free to send me a pm too!

Anyway sorry, hijacked your thread swmo.. will stop the bereavement-thread chat now and keep it over pm til I start the thread :)

Carry on! :) <3
 
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