caseface99
Bluelight Crew
This is going to be long, and not something I can sum up with a TL;DR. I really need to vent though and get some advice and support, so thank you in advance if you read this. It means a lot - Bluelight has quite literally saved my life multiple times, and I am SO grateful. I haven't made a thread like this in a long time, but i can't go on without getting all this shit out of my head anymore and at this time this is the only place I feel comfortable saying all this at once. I will do my best to make this readable/understandable but bear in mind I'm sleep deprived and extremely upset/crying as i type this.
For the last few months, I have been having a really hard time staying sober. However I have continued working a program, and I have managed to pull it off and I'm coming up on 8 months here soon, assuming i make it until the 14th. I have been getting more and more depressed as time goes on, and while my anxiety meds are working a little bit (buspirone, non-narcotic), I am still having a LOT of trouble making friends. Trust me, I am trying. I still go to meetings a couple times a week (have been, anyway, starting today it will be once or twice a day at least for a while), and I try my best to socialize with others at the SLE I live at and go fellowshipping after meetings.
So while I have been trying harder then I ever have before to make friends, there have only been 5 people I have become close to since I got sober. My room mates from rehab, Nick and Gary, another friend from rehab Braxton, and someone from the SLE I live at, Johan. As well as the girl I have been dating for the last 6ish months. However as I cry myself to sleep tonight, I will be quite certain that there is nobody within 3200 that cares about me whatsoever other than the girl I'm unconditionally and indefinitely in love with, however due to the current circumstances as of this morning she is no longer my girlfriend. (It's incredible how much more real that just became after I typed that)
So naturally after spending a month bunking with two other guys while we are all trying to get clean off of similar substances and start rebuilding our lives, the three of us got pretty close. We shared stories, gave each other advice, supported each other, cried with each other, shared things with each other we had never shared with another human being... Suffice to say we bonded in sort of way that is rare and should be cherished forever. Fast forward to a week after rehab. I get a call from Nick, he has relapsed and doesn't know what to do. I convince him to come back into outpatient (which i was already doing myself after inpatient because i know a month wasn't enough). He seems fine for about a week until I get a call to find out he has tried to commit suicide. Gary and I talk about it, then talk to him and did our best to convince him that he needs to do the long term inpatient. He finally agrees, and sets an appointment but days later I get a call from him and he's relapsed and trying to commit suicide basically while on the phone with me. I stalled him, figured out where he was and got Gary to pick him up while i kept him distracted on the phone. The next morning we told him no more bullshit, drove him to the rehab and got him in that day. He stayed for 3-4 weeks, bailed, went back up to his hometown in nor cal and continued using meth. There wasn't much we could do at this point, he'd made his choice.
Gary and I continue talking, going to meetings together, etc. One day he told me about how it was me that helped him understand and make sense of the fact that there was no such thing as one more time with oxy. He said I had done what nobody else had been able to do, and get that horrible idea of "one more high" out of his head. Unfortunately, he was wrong. a week later I receive a phone call... On the morning of August 10, 2013 Gary was found dead in his bunk at the firehouse where he worked as an EMT, of what appeared to be heart failure while he slept. Those close to him knew that a healthy 30 year old didn't have a heart attack, and the the coroners tox screen confirmed our fears. I later looked through my phone and saw that he had sent me a text i somehow missed asking to talk days before this happened. I don't know how i missed his text, but ever since I have felt like I failed him as a friend and can't help but think about stupid fucking "what if's". What if I had been there for him when he needed me? What would be different today? Who fucking knows and it doesn't matter anymore. He's gone.
Now Braxton's story... We also became close in rehab, and happened to move into the same SLE afterwards so we continued working a program together outside of rehab and remained friends especially since we lived at the same place. A couple months after we got out of treatment, we're on our way to a meeting and he tells me he has being using for the last couple weeks and wants to kill himself. (he has had a long history of suicidal behavior/attempts and I took him very seriously). We talked and he was refusing to do a long term inpatient program (which by the way is free for residents of Berkeley). He was trying to bullshit me about being able to get through it on his own, and I called him out on it. He finally admitted to knowing he needed more help but being too scared to take the necessary steps. He disappeared for a couple weeks until calling me one night saying he had just woken up from an overdose with the needle still in his arm. I talked to him basically all night and finally said something that made him consider the long term program an option. I convinced him to call his dad to pick him up and he checked into rehab the next morning. Two weeks ago his mom texted me to let me know he bailed and he was missing. He's still missing and it's not looking promising with his history.
I don't need to say a whole lot with my friend Johan. Basically just a good friend from the SLE I live at, however he relapsed got kicked out went home to Maryland and is currently in Jail out east.
Now there's Jackie. My true love. The one and only person i have ever know in my life that i have been absolutely certain I am meant to be with, the only person I've been with where we both KNOW we are meant to be with each other. We found out the fucking solar system aligned into an extremely rare astrological geometry, a diamond tetrahedron, at the same time that we made love for the first time. This is the only girl who i have ever been truly happy with, and know will love unconditionally and indefinitely for the rest of my life. I could write a fucking book about how much we are in love, so I'll leave it at that before i get anymore carried away with the length of this post. Anyway, she left to go to school in september, down in Santa Cruz. So we live about an hour apart and because of classes and my not owning a car we basically only see each other on weekends once every week or two. Last night my biggest fear came true and she told me she couldn't do it anymore. That she can't handle not being able to see me when she wants/needs to. I have managed to be okay with the separation knowing that it's not permanent since i will likely be moving to santa cruz after this semester in order to pursue transferring to the same school she's attending. (which I'm going to do regardless of her). She said it's too painful not seeing me very often, as we have had to go two weeks rather than one in between the last few times I have seen her. She told me that when we are apart for so long she feels disconnected from me not just physically but emotionally and the pain it causes is tremendous and keeping her from growing in her own recovery. Neither one of us wanted to accept the reality though and we agreed to spend one last night together. I hoped and prayed all night while holding her, making love to her, sleeping with her, hoped and prayed that she would find the strength to last until the end of the semester when I have a chance to move closer to her. We made love again in the morning and then continued our conversation about what to do. My initial thought was to say whatever i can to change her mind, until i realized how selfish that would be. So instead I decided to make this as easy as I could for her, because it was painfully clear how terrible she felt and how much she really does love me and want to spend her life with me but just can't do it right now with the current situation. Rather than fighting I agreed to "take a break" (yeah... "break" ....) so that she could work on herself, her recovery, and her schoolwork and not be held back by always being upset about not being able to see me. It took everything I had, strength i didn't know I could harness, in order to not fight it and beg her not to do this and to keep trying to wait just a few more months till I can move etc... I just didn't want to make it any more difficult for her and/or leave it on a bad note and have absolutely zero chance whatsoever in the future, even if it's at the expense of myself/more painful. We talked it out, she left, and is now back at school and I have no idea if/when I will see her again and if/when we are still a possibility in the future when the circumstances are different. I want so badly to hold onto the hope that this isn't permanent but at the same time I don't want to get lost holding onto to something that will never become a reality.
It's just so fucking hard. So hard to understand, to accept, right now. I never in a million years thought I would be in a situation where I would have my heart broken not because any feelings for each other have changed, but because the circumstances are too far from ideal. I never considered that happening and I have no idea what to do with my feelings right now. I am totally and utterly alone in the world. I am completely heart broken and torn to pieces inside. I have absolutely no friends or family within three thousand miles of where I live now and the feeling of being alone is getting extremely overwhelming. I have been trying even harder to make friends since she went to school, but it's just not working for me. I have been unable to get close to anyone else. Nobody calls me, texts me, asks me if I want to hang out, not a soul on this planet. I don't even talk to my parents unless I call them these days. I know she still loves me to death but right now I feel so strongly that if I were to relapse and slip away into a silent blissful death in my sleep it would make no difference. I can picture myself dying and hardly anyone but maybe my family or jackie crying about it and neither of those are around anymore.
I already know that if she broke up with me this is how it would be and that's why i have been trying to hard to put myself out there and make new friends here, because i know relying on her alone is extremely unhealthy. But now it's too late. It's too late and I am completely, utterly alone and I am beginning to really terrify myself with some of the thoughts I'm having.
I don't know what to do right now. I know there is little anyone reading this can do, but i needed to vent it all out badly and I greatly appreciate any support i might receive from you guys. I am going to step up my meetings and continue to put myself out there, so please don't tell me I just need to not sit around and bask in my misery. I will continue to keep busy, if not tremendously more busy then i have been. But every night and every morning I will continue to fall asleep and wake up totally alone and the feeling that brings me is equal to the feeling i remember from trying to fall asleep and waking up while dope sick. I have never been this alone before and it's painful, terrifying, and crippling me right now.
More or less, I want to die. I mean, maybe I don't want to - More then that i wish things were different. But they aren't, they don't appear to be changing any time soon, and I am losing sight of the "point". I'm beginning to feel like "why bother", and it's fucking scaring me.
edit- Holy fucking shit is this long... I'm sorry I had no idea I had so much to say. And this IS the edited version of things. I could reach the post limit for the thread on my own in a day with everything thats on my mind.
For the last few months, I have been having a really hard time staying sober. However I have continued working a program, and I have managed to pull it off and I'm coming up on 8 months here soon, assuming i make it until the 14th. I have been getting more and more depressed as time goes on, and while my anxiety meds are working a little bit (buspirone, non-narcotic), I am still having a LOT of trouble making friends. Trust me, I am trying. I still go to meetings a couple times a week (have been, anyway, starting today it will be once or twice a day at least for a while), and I try my best to socialize with others at the SLE I live at and go fellowshipping after meetings.
So while I have been trying harder then I ever have before to make friends, there have only been 5 people I have become close to since I got sober. My room mates from rehab, Nick and Gary, another friend from rehab Braxton, and someone from the SLE I live at, Johan. As well as the girl I have been dating for the last 6ish months. However as I cry myself to sleep tonight, I will be quite certain that there is nobody within 3200 that cares about me whatsoever other than the girl I'm unconditionally and indefinitely in love with, however due to the current circumstances as of this morning she is no longer my girlfriend. (It's incredible how much more real that just became after I typed that)
So naturally after spending a month bunking with two other guys while we are all trying to get clean off of similar substances and start rebuilding our lives, the three of us got pretty close. We shared stories, gave each other advice, supported each other, cried with each other, shared things with each other we had never shared with another human being... Suffice to say we bonded in sort of way that is rare and should be cherished forever. Fast forward to a week after rehab. I get a call from Nick, he has relapsed and doesn't know what to do. I convince him to come back into outpatient (which i was already doing myself after inpatient because i know a month wasn't enough). He seems fine for about a week until I get a call to find out he has tried to commit suicide. Gary and I talk about it, then talk to him and did our best to convince him that he needs to do the long term inpatient. He finally agrees, and sets an appointment but days later I get a call from him and he's relapsed and trying to commit suicide basically while on the phone with me. I stalled him, figured out where he was and got Gary to pick him up while i kept him distracted on the phone. The next morning we told him no more bullshit, drove him to the rehab and got him in that day. He stayed for 3-4 weeks, bailed, went back up to his hometown in nor cal and continued using meth. There wasn't much we could do at this point, he'd made his choice.
Gary and I continue talking, going to meetings together, etc. One day he told me about how it was me that helped him understand and make sense of the fact that there was no such thing as one more time with oxy. He said I had done what nobody else had been able to do, and get that horrible idea of "one more high" out of his head. Unfortunately, he was wrong. a week later I receive a phone call... On the morning of August 10, 2013 Gary was found dead in his bunk at the firehouse where he worked as an EMT, of what appeared to be heart failure while he slept. Those close to him knew that a healthy 30 year old didn't have a heart attack, and the the coroners tox screen confirmed our fears. I later looked through my phone and saw that he had sent me a text i somehow missed asking to talk days before this happened. I don't know how i missed his text, but ever since I have felt like I failed him as a friend and can't help but think about stupid fucking "what if's". What if I had been there for him when he needed me? What would be different today? Who fucking knows and it doesn't matter anymore. He's gone.
Now Braxton's story... We also became close in rehab, and happened to move into the same SLE afterwards so we continued working a program together outside of rehab and remained friends especially since we lived at the same place. A couple months after we got out of treatment, we're on our way to a meeting and he tells me he has being using for the last couple weeks and wants to kill himself. (he has had a long history of suicidal behavior/attempts and I took him very seriously). We talked and he was refusing to do a long term inpatient program (which by the way is free for residents of Berkeley). He was trying to bullshit me about being able to get through it on his own, and I called him out on it. He finally admitted to knowing he needed more help but being too scared to take the necessary steps. He disappeared for a couple weeks until calling me one night saying he had just woken up from an overdose with the needle still in his arm. I talked to him basically all night and finally said something that made him consider the long term program an option. I convinced him to call his dad to pick him up and he checked into rehab the next morning. Two weeks ago his mom texted me to let me know he bailed and he was missing. He's still missing and it's not looking promising with his history.
I don't need to say a whole lot with my friend Johan. Basically just a good friend from the SLE I live at, however he relapsed got kicked out went home to Maryland and is currently in Jail out east.
Now there's Jackie. My true love. The one and only person i have ever know in my life that i have been absolutely certain I am meant to be with, the only person I've been with where we both KNOW we are meant to be with each other. We found out the fucking solar system aligned into an extremely rare astrological geometry, a diamond tetrahedron, at the same time that we made love for the first time. This is the only girl who i have ever been truly happy with, and know will love unconditionally and indefinitely for the rest of my life. I could write a fucking book about how much we are in love, so I'll leave it at that before i get anymore carried away with the length of this post. Anyway, she left to go to school in september, down in Santa Cruz. So we live about an hour apart and because of classes and my not owning a car we basically only see each other on weekends once every week or two. Last night my biggest fear came true and she told me she couldn't do it anymore. That she can't handle not being able to see me when she wants/needs to. I have managed to be okay with the separation knowing that it's not permanent since i will likely be moving to santa cruz after this semester in order to pursue transferring to the same school she's attending. (which I'm going to do regardless of her). She said it's too painful not seeing me very often, as we have had to go two weeks rather than one in between the last few times I have seen her. She told me that when we are apart for so long she feels disconnected from me not just physically but emotionally and the pain it causes is tremendous and keeping her from growing in her own recovery. Neither one of us wanted to accept the reality though and we agreed to spend one last night together. I hoped and prayed all night while holding her, making love to her, sleeping with her, hoped and prayed that she would find the strength to last until the end of the semester when I have a chance to move closer to her. We made love again in the morning and then continued our conversation about what to do. My initial thought was to say whatever i can to change her mind, until i realized how selfish that would be. So instead I decided to make this as easy as I could for her, because it was painfully clear how terrible she felt and how much she really does love me and want to spend her life with me but just can't do it right now with the current situation. Rather than fighting I agreed to "take a break" (yeah... "break" ....) so that she could work on herself, her recovery, and her schoolwork and not be held back by always being upset about not being able to see me. It took everything I had, strength i didn't know I could harness, in order to not fight it and beg her not to do this and to keep trying to wait just a few more months till I can move etc... I just didn't want to make it any more difficult for her and/or leave it on a bad note and have absolutely zero chance whatsoever in the future, even if it's at the expense of myself/more painful. We talked it out, she left, and is now back at school and I have no idea if/when I will see her again and if/when we are still a possibility in the future when the circumstances are different. I want so badly to hold onto the hope that this isn't permanent but at the same time I don't want to get lost holding onto to something that will never become a reality.
It's just so fucking hard. So hard to understand, to accept, right now. I never in a million years thought I would be in a situation where I would have my heart broken not because any feelings for each other have changed, but because the circumstances are too far from ideal. I never considered that happening and I have no idea what to do with my feelings right now. I am totally and utterly alone in the world. I am completely heart broken and torn to pieces inside. I have absolutely no friends or family within three thousand miles of where I live now and the feeling of being alone is getting extremely overwhelming. I have been trying even harder to make friends since she went to school, but it's just not working for me. I have been unable to get close to anyone else. Nobody calls me, texts me, asks me if I want to hang out, not a soul on this planet. I don't even talk to my parents unless I call them these days. I know she still loves me to death but right now I feel so strongly that if I were to relapse and slip away into a silent blissful death in my sleep it would make no difference. I can picture myself dying and hardly anyone but maybe my family or jackie crying about it and neither of those are around anymore.
I already know that if she broke up with me this is how it would be and that's why i have been trying to hard to put myself out there and make new friends here, because i know relying on her alone is extremely unhealthy. But now it's too late. It's too late and I am completely, utterly alone and I am beginning to really terrify myself with some of the thoughts I'm having.
I don't know what to do right now. I know there is little anyone reading this can do, but i needed to vent it all out badly and I greatly appreciate any support i might receive from you guys. I am going to step up my meetings and continue to put myself out there, so please don't tell me I just need to not sit around and bask in my misery. I will continue to keep busy, if not tremendously more busy then i have been. But every night and every morning I will continue to fall asleep and wake up totally alone and the feeling that brings me is equal to the feeling i remember from trying to fall asleep and waking up while dope sick. I have never been this alone before and it's painful, terrifying, and crippling me right now.
More or less, I want to die. I mean, maybe I don't want to - More then that i wish things were different. But they aren't, they don't appear to be changing any time soon, and I am losing sight of the "point". I'm beginning to feel like "why bother", and it's fucking scaring me.
edit- Holy fucking shit is this long... I'm sorry I had no idea I had so much to say. And this IS the edited version of things. I could reach the post limit for the thread on my own in a day with everything thats on my mind.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
