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Haven't I lost enough yet?

Get2Think

Get2Think

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 23, 2012
Messages
297
Location
The West
I lost the girl, lost the money, lost my independence & place to live, lost my self-esteem & confidence, lost my ability to drive, lost all my friends, and I gaineda serious disease called "addiction" that wants to kill me and has no cure. The last 3 years of my life have been about sobriety. Working crappy part-time jobs to move out of my parents house, pay off thousands of debt, try AA/NA and admit I had a problem, tried exercising, even got a full-time job as a accounting clerk only to piss it all away again on opiates.

So here I am. Back here. The nightmare repeats itself. I guess I still haven't ruined my life enough to be able to resist drugs. Everyday is a fight to stay positive, a fight to stay sober, and an insane never-ending struggle to live sober. I'm under a lot of pressure and stress trying to finish my last year of college and I can't have a few drinks or pills at the end of the day. I'm left to sulk around and carry this stress around. No sex + no drugs/alcohol + grounded at home w/o ability to drive = very unhappy.

It's so discouraging when life starts to get good and I'm doing good and staying sober and riding the pink cloud. Then I fall off. I couldn't resist the temptation to just take a handful of the alprazolams to the head and konk out. Well there went the sunlight of the spirit, there went my hope that I could beat this disease, and there went my ability to trust myself or ever think that I could control my impulses.

Sad to think I could be working so hard now trying to undo 10 years of self-medication only to loose myself yet again because I can't live without drugs/alcohol. It's gotten ridiculous, I'm still suffering for mistakes I made back in 2009. The last few years have been such a bummer man, it's hard to believe life actually use to be fun. Sad to see the best years of my life gone and all I'm able to do is sit here in my bed in my room alone holding this handful of shit, looking for a diamond (sobriety) in a handful of shit (money problem/stress/lonliness/guilt/depression/addiction/etc.)
 
I know how you feel but try & remember that it took a decade of abuse to get to where you were so it will take time to get "right". Remember how you felt 3 years ago when you were at your lowest & compare that to how you are today. Yeah life is not all beer & skittles but I guarantee you are better off now than you were then.

Keep your chin up & take each day as it comes mate.
 
Thats the thing, is it even me "choosing to dig" when I'm in that impulsive trance. The cravings and just that state of being out of ones own head is frightening because I've never had longterm victory over it. When I want to get high, it's such a strong pull. Its not even a choice, but yet it is?
 
you have to learn to deal with the cravings, saying no the first time is the hardest but it gets easier after that. Either that or you just get so tired of the lifestyle you start to inherently associate your DOC with terrible things and have no desire for it anymore. If you are just self destructive and are going to make yourself hit your bottom you'll be surprised at how fucking low it gets. You parents haven't disowned you yet, tho they have grounded you which is really fucked up, how old are u? I think most of your problems are the fact that you are young and still learning how to live as an adult.

it's clear you have been NA/AA'd, you make your own choices in life, get on a maintenance program if you really need it or just quit and deal with it. There are people who have poly drug addictions who hold their shit together, you either need to learn to be one of these people or you have to stop using drugs or go on maintenance drugs. forget the na/aa shit. it's a choice to use drugs but i also know that desire and fundamental right to just get fucking high when you want to, the thing is, you have to learn to control this urge and not let it ruin your life.
 
Get2Think said:
Thats the thing, is it even me "choosing to dig" when I'm in that impulsive trance. The cravings and just that state of being out of ones own head is frightening because I've never had longterm victory over it. When I want to get high, it's such a strong pull. Its not even a choice, but yet it is?
Click to expand...

I subscribe to the opinion that you have the initial choice to pick up or not to pick up. Once that choice is made I & many others lose the power of choice & act in a impulsive trance surrendering to addiction usually embracing it like a long lost lover.

You have two basic choices here. Pick up or don't pick up & it is really that simple. How you handle that decision will affect everything else you do. Cravings are a difficult one to handle long term but it does get easier. There is the physical cravings which leave after a period of time & provided you can get through them the real challenge awaits in mental cravings. Mental cravings are the worst because it is difficult to get the idea out of your head once the seed is planted. Thoughts turn to obsession & obsession leads to activity.

The one good thing with mental cravings is unlike physical cravings you can learn to control them over time. As an addict it is perfectly normal to want to do what you do "best" so accept the fact that you will always have those urges but they will lessen over time. There are certain substances/things I know I can never do again if I want any sort of normal life. Those very things were a part of my world for so many years that I could not imagine living without them yet I have to if I am to survive.

It is a rough road but you can do it again. Practise makes perfect so to speak.
 
Dude I kno exactly how u feel, any real addict does. It happens. I've been told multiple times relapsing is a part of recovery. You need to see what you did wrong and learn how to change it. This is the stuff that turns u into a stronger person. Someone told me recently you need to learn to love urself before anyone else will
 
Just so you guys know, I went wrong as a result of a panick attack I had. I reached for the xanax and it worked so well, I convinced my doctor to prescribe it for me. Problem was, I didn't have anymore panick attacks but was searching through my parents stuff (they hold my meds) searching for those pills. And on a couple of times id find them and took like 3-4 and it was never as good as i hoped. It brought back that feeling of fiending I thought I had conquered.

Lesson is this: I have to keep a good 10 steps ahead of drugs and druggies at all times. There has to always be a barrier/space between me and drugs because if they are under the same roof as me I WILL HUNT THEM DONE and gobble them up. So yeah, I fessed up and told my mom to get rid of all the xanax because I just couldnt handle having it around. I think ive learned a valuable lesson here, and I remember feeling cocky before this rellapse, thinking of how in the future ill be able to hold onto xanax and have it in case of anxiety attacks... yeah right lol.
 
Get2Think said:
Thats the thing, is it even me "choosing to dig" when I'm in that impulsive trance. The cravings and just that state of being out of ones own head is frightening because I've never had longterm victory over it. When I want to get high, it's such a strong pull. Its not even a choice, but yet it is?
Click to expand...

"Impulsive trance" is a very good way to describe the state where you don't even feel like it is you at the wheel. I can remember that feeling--in fact I think it is how I led my life for many years when I was young. It was as if I disengaged from myself and became a passive observer of a mess of impulses and reactions and unconscious habits and called that "me". Mindfulness could really help you. In a way it is nothing more (or less!) than inhabiting your body fully, being present in your body and feeling what that means. It is an integration of body and mind and to me it feels as if that integration allows for the presence of spirit. Spirit was what was missing in those years for me. By spirit I just mean the part of us that grasps that we are not simply our mind and body, but we are an integral part of something much more vast, something eternal.

When a craving hits, you could personify it maybe. Visualize it as an actual being that you need to learn to fight. Like any foe, understanding its strengths and tactics and habits will help you. If the craving says, "I will make you feel so good", have your answer ready. You can respond, "Only briefly, then I will feel terrible so how can that benefit me?" If the craving says, "Just this one time, I promise", have a literal answer ready in your mind. Say it out loud!

Learning to fight self-destructive impulses, whether they are in the form of addiction, abusive relationships, self-harm etc. is a process of building even more than it is one of tearing down. You have to build strength from within. The change is incremental but solid. If you google mindfulness and addiction, you get a host of readings and resources. Good luck and don't get discouraged. Discouragement and self-blame are the most effective weapons addiction has to use against you. Fight them.<3
 
Get2Think said:
Its not even a choice, but yet it is?
Click to expand...
It is a choice and you do have free will to make that choice.
I hear you and empathize. You know where both choices will take you -the same as me, same as most everyone who comes here. Often, too often, i make the choice second by second, minute by minute because day by day is just too huge to get a grip on. It's right outside my door. I head out the door, down the steps, just mere feet away, and I hear it calling, teasing, sometimes screaming. I want to go for the ride but I don't ever want to go to the destination, the destination that is always, always, always the same horrible shitty place. I don't want to go there again. Ever.
Somehow I get turned around, back up the steps, lock the door to keep me in, and it passes... until the next second.
Wash, rinse, repeat.
Your choice.
Best of luck to you.
-izzy
 
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