Have trouble engaging people in conversation coupled with little to no desire

[Vigs]

Guess I've always been introverted; usually was the kid calling to find out what was going on, more often than not forgotten about. When I went to college, I started smoking pot to deal with my U.C. pains which made me indifferent to the pain, but also to my surroundings. I've recently quit (2 months now), but I find myself still mentally isolated. I work in the food service industry as a chef, run the kitchen on my own - and work well that way; however, when I go out (having always had the tendency of a loner) I have trouble talking to people. I might introduce myself, but after a few minutes I get lost in my thoughts trying to find what to say. A lot of times I will try talking to a woman, and she'll turn and talk to a friend while I'm in mid-sentence- so I'm left there thinking, well now what? Other times, I'll just be there by myself, with no real to desire to even engage people. It's like I'm a walking paradox - I don't want to be alone, but I could care less if I was. Even with work, I know I could be so much more elsewhere, but I simply lack the motivation. I was hoping for a change once I quit the pot, and I've even scaled back the drinking (even though it helps me be more social) - but I still maintain that level of miserable indifference. Usually can hear people talking about me too, wondering if I'm constantly stoned (a lot of times I hear people say, "he has to be gay," since I've been alone so much - which I'm not) and I would normally say to myself, whatever F-them...but after a while it gets annoying and downright depressing. I feel almost as if I should just start smoking again just so I can feel a modicum of joy again.

 

[Legerity]

Welcome Vigs.

I can really relate to most of what you are saying. I'm very introverted, and it's tiring trying to socialize sometimes. My thoughts race so fast I often just zone out during conversations and have trouble following. I'm probably not really interested in the majority of conversations and small-talk, but it still makes difficult to interact sometimes. And it's hard to function in certain jobs like that too when it's necessary to be focused. There is also the insecurity of worrying about what I'm going to say, etc. etc.

Do you want to be more social or do you feel you have to? I wanted to feel more comfortable around people, and was able to word toward that, although I certainly would like to go further. But that's just a personal goal. There's nothing inherently better about being social than keeping to yourself. Introversion and extraversion each have their own strengths.

I find it a matter of how much of myself I'm willing to change in order to fit in. As time goes by I'm less and less willing to change everything because it's tiring as hell and I've done that my whole life. And some people might not accept you for who you are, but some people will. And those that will are the ones that worth sticking with. My friendships were mostly fake before because I wasn't really myself. Now I've managed to find some people that accept my quirks and neuroses and instabilities.

So I just hope you don't think there's anything wrong with you because you're introverted. There is more freedom in being your own person than in being able to shape yourself the way you think others want you to be.

 

[Vigs]

Don't get me wrong, I have no problem being introverted; I know I have don't some of my best work based on that alone. I would just like to be able to strike up a conversation, say, with that girl at the corner, without my mind running rampant - or to even continue one from a prior date. There have been many times where I see a woman walk in, whom I have previously talked to, and she won't even acknowledge me - might even have her back turned. This is when my mind starts wandering, I'll be very quiet and thinking way too much, "Maybe I should just go over there because she's doing this on purpose," "No, she's doing this because she obviously doesn't want anything to do with me." etc... and by that point, it's been a while, she and I obviously know we're in the same establishment - and it just seems overwhelmingly awkward to walk up and start talking at that point (in my mind, she's thinking- why did you take so long?). As far as friendships go, it's hard to find new ones when you're content to being on your own. This is what bothers me, I don't mind being me, but I'd like to feel more comfortable letting people in to have worthwhile relationships. Being the quiet, stoic one doesn't prompt many people to approach you, so obviously, the work needs to be done on my end.

 

[whataboutheforests]

I can relate to everything you posted, you basically just described my life. To me, it sounds like you analyze in your head what other people are thinking to much. Forget what other people are thinking, just focus on your motives and confidence. This seems to help me in situations like you described. However, a lot of times, I can't even take my own advice and just keep being an introverted fuck. The only time I ever have a desire to converse with people is when i'm drunk/high. The thing is, these conversations tend to be "dumbed down" and easily forgotten.

 

[S.M.F.G]

^ i find this to be somewhat true to myself, im much more likley to engage in convo if im high or heavily medicated, but for the most part i dont have time for or really like humankind 2 much, probably due to the fact i watch the REAL news and have a grand dissalusionment of the way of the world. Ur by no means different theres tonnes of folk on here that deal with similar isssues, Wishing u the best

 

[Vigs]

Thanks for the input all.
I wish I could simply say that I am over analyzing what people are saying in my head too much. The fact is, I hear it all the time, even right now- I live downtown and am in the heart of the bar scene. People know where I live and I know I have people spying on me trying to "figure me out." Probably wouldn't be dwelling on it if I didn't hear the same shit, over and over again. And it's not like I can sit down and fill them in so they will just leave me alone- that sort of thing would undoubtedly make it worse. It is likely that meds would help me, but I don't believe in pills- I've always been a mind-over-matter sort of guy. Yes, I know the argument could be made that my use of pot was no better- but since I'm off of it now, I see the point as moot. It would just be nice to have a place to hang out with people of similar conditions, but it would most likely end up being like a middle school dance with everyone hanging out by the walls. I guess my decision to move/work downtown was a way in which I could confront my issues head-on, and try to learn ways to adapt. Since I am a nice guy, I have usually been taken advantage of by people I have considered friends and the rest have simply gone away - so back to square one as the loner, with a new generation I have absolutely nothing in common with. It's like the peanut galleries comments are driving me nuts and effecting my overall well-being - even though I know better than to let them. Ugh, thats the trouble being an introvert, you often come to the correct conclusion, then over analyze the procedure to amend said situation.

 

[malakaix]

Other times, I'll just be there by myself, with no real to desire to even engage people. It's like I'm a walking paradox - I don't want to be alone, but I could care less if I was.

Sounds like me, it's rare that i actually have a desire to initiate conversation.. i have no problem with listening and returning conversation but unless the conversation has a 'point' to it, i lose interest really quickly because i feel like its a waste of time. I can tell when the conversation is just looping in on itself with small-talk and i can't stand it, i've often wondered if because introverted people are so comfortable with themselves that they don't feel the same desire to strike up conversation as someone who feels awkward unless there talking.. hence the rise of 'small talk'.

 

[suessmayr]

I fucken feel your post man. Really.

I think that perhaps a more helpful way to proceed would be to not try to convince yourself that people aren't talking about you, or wondering about you, but to instead work on cultivating your own indifference. I know that the idea of positively cultivating something passive like indifference seems paradoxical, but I really think it's the way. You can't control the things other people do - you can only control yourself, and as much as you're able, your thoughts.

You need to stop thinking about what other people are thinking. Focus on your own improvement. If that requires you to have lots of awkward conversations with lots of different people - do it!! If you avoid the conversations you only reinforce the pattern. You could almost try to view people as 'instruments' of your recovery; stop caring about their opinions and just work on being able to deal with them in a gradual way.

I think that you should stay away from pot. Whatever the effects of pot are, it seems to be almost plain that people who smoke alot of pot often become introverted and reclusive. You've done so well to have come this far. And I don't think you can really say "ok, I tried sobriety, it doesn't work for me" until you've clocked at least 6 months of sober time.

I know you're anti-pill, but it sounds like you could really benefit from an anti-depressant. It sounds like you're both anxious and depressed, and most anti-depressants are indicated for anxiety and depression. They can give you energy and interest when you need it and be reduced when you feel more whole and edified.

Good luck my man - everyone on here understands your position, so feel free to ask as many questions as you like!

 

[GreenGoblin]

I agree with what others have posted, nothing wrong with being an introvert (I'm one). What stands out are terms like "misserable indifference" and "modicum of joy again". I am by no means psychiatrist but it sounds like you may be a bit depressed. That perhaps you feel like you might be missing out on part of life by not being able to be social. J

 

[S.M.F.G]

Maybe a change of scenery would do you the world of good if ur in the position to? Also reinterating the need to see a psycologist or psycotherapist... It will make the world of difference, put these people who put u down in thier place, you need not have people walk all over you, which i got in the hospitality/chefing scene until i stood up 4 myself, depression is rife within the industry and i know several people myself included burn out frm that kinda work esp if its long hrs. I'm not a general liker of people as i bielieve that 90% of people are assholes, but theres still that 10% and for some reason ive come to the understanding that the universe makes these people and indeed us cross tracks in life for a purpose.
Sendin good vibes ur way 3>

 

[Vigs]

I acknowledge that I have been a bit depressed right now, but it has only been because all of these instances have been happening recently. When everything gets compounded in such a short time frame, I don't think even an extroverted individual could help but feel a bit depressed. I really do think I have been dwelling on it too much and need to become as indifferent to it as I was before; it's been like a short-circuit with all of the peanut gallery's mass-speculation coming at me at once.
It shouldn't have come across that I haven't been social; although I tend to rant and sometimes leave out key points. I do have a good group of friends I take pleasure in conversing with, it's just unfortunate that I don't get to see them as much as I used to. Even so, I am comfortable with our time apart, because we will likely have more worthwhile, substantial conversations. The hindrance comes about when attempting to find a better half; I know I need to stop thinking so much when engaging women. Plus it really doesn't help that the majority of them are associated with these millennials who act like they want to be part of "Jersey Shore" - I'd rather be anti-social than be part of such childish behavior.

Along the lines of sobriety, I used to be a consistent jack on the rocks drinker and stopped roughly 4 weeks ago. Now I'll have maybe 4-5 beers when I go out (yes, I know this isn't sober by any means, but it is a huge difference). I do wish to ultimately cut it out completely, but I don't think that if I reach that point, and go out and have a drink or two that it will be that harmful - certainly not like having 6-8 jack on the rocks in an evening (usually within a condensed period of time 2-3 hours).
I think I need to start some sort of personal training program, to actually teach myself those social nuances, ie go through those "awkward conversations" and have my own class and lessons, so to speak.

 

[mdma31]

Have you considered cognitive behaivoir therapy or any form of talk therapy? Since you have no interest in medication you may want to look into this form of talk therapy. It can be quite expensive and time consuming however, but it's worth the time and money invested if you work hard at it. You seem to be a very intelligent individual with strong work ethic, so CBT may be right for you, I know many people who have conquered all sorts of issues from anxiet to PTSD to anti social/introverted behaviors that yourself is experiencing.

I too am also highly introverted, not much of a people person, even here on bluelight, but that's okay I have come to enjoy who I am. Learn to love yourself first and then everything else will fall into place, this game of life is definitely not easy but it is something we all can handle, we're intelligent creatures, well sometimes...!!! Haha.

You're not alone I know how hard it is, hang in there bud!

 

[Vigs]

I went out and had 5 beers (and one jack); while there were many beautiful women there, they were all running in packs (as they all do) and ended up talking to several friends about the new "Super Congress." It must be noted, that I felt a lot better after having all this input from you people. While they consider me "odd," it's good to know I have a venting point with you guys, and I thank you all. I know it will take some time, and a lot of effort (especially when I hear them talking all the time) I will come out on top. The only self-serving question I have is directed towards the ladies out there (and please, treat me like I'm a kid), what can/should I do to have a halfway decent conversation without stalling out? Much love to all of you.

 

[DrinksWithEvil]

just gota force yourself to talk to people and it will eventually be easier.

check out this book called the game it should help you. by neil strauss