T
TheDayAfter
Guest
Hello fellow psychonauts and friends of recreational substance use, I apologize already for what will be a long read.
I am writing this to figure out how to fight the consequences of my recent "amphetamine accident". First of all, I am in my late 40s and I've used recreational drugs for a long time. My main thing is weed. In my 20s I've used speed for about a year and a half pretty much ongoing which i stopped due to the obvious problems; Friends had life changing problems and i felt it had to stop. So I stopped and I've been fine, just kept going with the weed.
I haven't been completely able to keep my fingers off speed these last 20 years but I've never really considered this a big problem because it happened once every few years and only for a very short time. A weekend maybe or a day and a night or so.
I've also had quite a few encounters with psychedelics. Acid mainly and shrooms. I had a few crazy times but nothing what would have worried myself or my friends. I've always been working and never really fucked up important things because of the drug use. I've moved from mainland Europe to the UK about 12 years ago. Recently my weed connection dried up and the new connection has a wide range of high quality drugs so i got weak and got myself a little bit of speed paste and some MDMA. It was my first MDMA experience and I loved it. I've used about 2g of MDMA within a couple of weeks and a few lines of speed. Up to this point everything was fine. I felt that the MDMA was a good experience and I knew immediately that this is a drug that can't be used long term because of the tolerance build. So up to this point I felt OK with what i was doing.
Then the "accident" happened. I've received new speed (2nd time, another gram) and just wanted to try it and ended up with what turned out to be a huge dose. It got worse and worse over the next 3 or 4 hours and I almost called an ambulance. I didn't because here in the area ambulances are taking endless time to arrive if they come at all. Also i wanted to avoid having a drug entry in my medical records. It stopped getting worse so i had a few spliffs and hoped it will go away.
The following day was not very nice as you can imagine. Today is day 2 after this night and things are far from "back to normal". I still have these comedown feelings, like i can still feel the presence of the remaining speed. I know this from my speed episodes in my 20s. Not nice but kinda acceptable, like the hangover that reminds you of the dangers. But there's one thing that really scares the shit out of me now and that's the depressive feelings i can't control at times and something i think may be panic attacks. It seems to come with smoking hash.
I have been smoking weed and hash for over 30 years and it was never a problem - apart from the fact it's illegal. I always felt in "mental control" and I was often the guy people asked for help and advise with their own drug related issues. But since the MDMA I thought i felt little panick attacks so i decided to stop this, too. At least for a while and make sure i have a few weeks break between doses. I've had the experience and at my age that was kinda good enough for me so I called it a day with the MDMA and gave the rest away.Then the speed overdose happened and the consequences are the worst i ever suffered including big terrible life events like the death of a friend or something.
Today was by far the worst day i can remember after any drug experience. I woke up, had a spliff after breakfast because weed always helped with the comedown. Not so this time. The little panic attacks from a few days earlier when i decided to turn the MDMA page over came back but with much more power. I haven't smoked since this morning and the panick attacks are milder and slowly disappearing but i can't control the depressing sadness. Right now I'm kinda fine but i know it will come back. The remaining body feelings i knew from 20 years ago on the speed comedown seem to be directly connected to the panic. Like i can feel it in my chest and stomach a few seconds before it happens.
So long story short, i guess my question is if this is a bad comedown or if I've broken something now. Alone thinking of the fear attack seems to induce another one. Today was the first time i haven't had a spliff after the one in the morning because i feared another panic moment. Weed was never scary in any shape for me, I thought i knew the herb inside and out.
Please, if you have any advice let me know what i can expect. I can not live like this and the perspective of having turned myself into a fcking fruit cake is making me - well - even more fucked up. All of a sudden i understand what always was a riddle to me. When people panicked or reported their "mental breakdowns" I knew that there is something real for these people but never really understood how this could feel. The permanent presence of this feeling, the inability to brush it away or even think of other things.
There's so much more on my mind but you've been reading through a lot of shit so far (thanks for that by the way) so I will stop here.
Any input is much appreciated - apart from "i told you so" and "your own fault" kinda stuff which is not helpful at all. Trust me, I know I've fucked it up myself.
Thanks guys
I am writing this to figure out how to fight the consequences of my recent "amphetamine accident". First of all, I am in my late 40s and I've used recreational drugs for a long time. My main thing is weed. In my 20s I've used speed for about a year and a half pretty much ongoing which i stopped due to the obvious problems; Friends had life changing problems and i felt it had to stop. So I stopped and I've been fine, just kept going with the weed.
I haven't been completely able to keep my fingers off speed these last 20 years but I've never really considered this a big problem because it happened once every few years and only for a very short time. A weekend maybe or a day and a night or so.
I've also had quite a few encounters with psychedelics. Acid mainly and shrooms. I had a few crazy times but nothing what would have worried myself or my friends. I've always been working and never really fucked up important things because of the drug use. I've moved from mainland Europe to the UK about 12 years ago. Recently my weed connection dried up and the new connection has a wide range of high quality drugs so i got weak and got myself a little bit of speed paste and some MDMA. It was my first MDMA experience and I loved it. I've used about 2g of MDMA within a couple of weeks and a few lines of speed. Up to this point everything was fine. I felt that the MDMA was a good experience and I knew immediately that this is a drug that can't be used long term because of the tolerance build. So up to this point I felt OK with what i was doing.
Then the "accident" happened. I've received new speed (2nd time, another gram) and just wanted to try it and ended up with what turned out to be a huge dose. It got worse and worse over the next 3 or 4 hours and I almost called an ambulance. I didn't because here in the area ambulances are taking endless time to arrive if they come at all. Also i wanted to avoid having a drug entry in my medical records. It stopped getting worse so i had a few spliffs and hoped it will go away.
The following day was not very nice as you can imagine. Today is day 2 after this night and things are far from "back to normal". I still have these comedown feelings, like i can still feel the presence of the remaining speed. I know this from my speed episodes in my 20s. Not nice but kinda acceptable, like the hangover that reminds you of the dangers. But there's one thing that really scares the shit out of me now and that's the depressive feelings i can't control at times and something i think may be panic attacks. It seems to come with smoking hash.
I have been smoking weed and hash for over 30 years and it was never a problem - apart from the fact it's illegal. I always felt in "mental control" and I was often the guy people asked for help and advise with their own drug related issues. But since the MDMA I thought i felt little panick attacks so i decided to stop this, too. At least for a while and make sure i have a few weeks break between doses. I've had the experience and at my age that was kinda good enough for me so I called it a day with the MDMA and gave the rest away.Then the speed overdose happened and the consequences are the worst i ever suffered including big terrible life events like the death of a friend or something.
Today was by far the worst day i can remember after any drug experience. I woke up, had a spliff after breakfast because weed always helped with the comedown. Not so this time. The little panic attacks from a few days earlier when i decided to turn the MDMA page over came back but with much more power. I haven't smoked since this morning and the panick attacks are milder and slowly disappearing but i can't control the depressing sadness. Right now I'm kinda fine but i know it will come back. The remaining body feelings i knew from 20 years ago on the speed comedown seem to be directly connected to the panic. Like i can feel it in my chest and stomach a few seconds before it happens.
So long story short, i guess my question is if this is a bad comedown or if I've broken something now. Alone thinking of the fear attack seems to induce another one. Today was the first time i haven't had a spliff after the one in the morning because i feared another panic moment. Weed was never scary in any shape for me, I thought i knew the herb inside and out.
Please, if you have any advice let me know what i can expect. I can not live like this and the perspective of having turned myself into a fcking fruit cake is making me - well - even more fucked up. All of a sudden i understand what always was a riddle to me. When people panicked or reported their "mental breakdowns" I knew that there is something real for these people but never really understood how this could feel. The permanent presence of this feeling, the inability to brush it away or even think of other things.
There's so much more on my mind but you've been reading through a lot of shit so far (thanks for that by the way) so I will stop here.
Any input is much appreciated - apart from "i told you so" and "your own fault" kinda stuff which is not helpful at all. Trust me, I know I've fucked it up myself.
Thanks guys
