I have been using E for the last six months, about once or so a month (never more than twice). I should explain that prior to my introduction to Ecstasy I was very much a D.A.R.E. kid and adult. I believed the warnings about the dangers of drugs and alcohol and even looked down upon people who chose to partake in illicit substances. That is to say, i didn't even consider alcohol and tobacco to be "real drugs" or even bad ones despite my knowledge of their dangers/harms.
For me, the biggest benefit, or healing/curing of psychological problems has been in fear reduction. I have a horrible phobia of heights, so much to the point that it controls just about every aspect of my life. Where I go, activities i will or will not participate in..and anything can set me off from having to walk a steep flight of stairs to being in a tall building or having to travel too many floors in an elevator. My first experience with MDMA came this summer when two of my good friends, who introduced me to Ecstacy - got married. They chose to have their wedding up in the mountains and I almost did not make it to the ceremony. Each steep turn we took into the mountains caused my fear of heights to almost literally eat me alive - heart palpitations, sweating, nausea, an absolute fear that I was going to die. When I finally arrived at the ceremony I managed to calm down somewhat but I could not enjoy the beautiful nature and scenery around me, all that plagued me was that I was in danger, and I had nowhere I could run to or a place to hide. During the reception they offered me 50 mg of MDMA - they suggested more but because of my fears surrounding drugs I was not completely ready to roll balls. I had also had alcohol during the reception so my first experience was somewhat dulled. I was not certain that i had felt anything until it was time to leave and go back into the city. My friend was driving back down the mountain, and the hairpin turns did not phase me one bit. I could enjoy everything - the smell of pine trees, cool air blowing from outside the car onto my skin, the lights of the city below us. For the first time, i felt no fear while being up high. All i could do was enjoy the peace and beauty around me. It was for the first time then that I realized i may one day live without this phobia..and my journey of sorts began.
Since then I have taken MDMA in different surroundings, many of which dealt with heights, and my ability to deal with my phobia is improving. I recently started taking a hike/walk up a steep trail in my community, while sober to help with the process. I have made it to the top of the mountain on more than one occasion. It was so liberating to be up high, enjoy nature and everything around me and know that I would be alright. My goal is to one day be able to enjoy wherever i am without the aid of any drugs. However, I do feel that if I had never trusted my friends and taken the leap with MDMA that i possibly would never have known what it was like to live without fear. For that alone, i am very grateful.
