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Has anyone not only *stopped* the needle but also got over the change it causes?

Jesusgreen

Jesusgreen

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So I don't know if it's true for everyone, since I can only speak for myself and anyone I've asked, but when I first successfully managed to perform an IV injection for the first time in May or June of this year, it was a change that I found as profound as the extremely opposite experience I had when my first trip on AMT with a good friend rid me of my lifelong social anxiety - I know I'd read all the stories you hear in anti-drug literature about say people trying Heroin for the first time, and being hooked from that moment, and to this date while I've struggled with several addictions, of the ~160 odd substances I tried (Heroin included), none were like that, all of them were controllable and I consciously made my own decisions to abuse them and go too far. The needle though was just like the typical story you hear in drug class at school about Heroin, I only shot Bupe that time (funny, now any dose of Bupe via any ROA produces only a "normalised" feeling, back then it was able to make me feel good) but it was still enough to change me, and I felt like I'd never forget that feeling, quickly developed somewhat of an IV fetish and shot up regularly (mostly Morphine) for the rest of the time up until I decided to quit.

The thing is while I can see myself forgetting my love for a particular drug, and moving on, I feel like the needle's unique rush is something I'll remember until I die, and that scares me. I know I'm strong enough to avoid it, but I don't want to remain with that lingering memory of it clouding up my thoughts like fond memories of your first love that never worked out.

So my question is, for those of you who felt the same when you tried IV, have any of you gone past just stopping it, and also let it slip away like one of those ex's with whom your "love" for wasn't all that real to begin with? Do you have any advice to help me do the same now that I've stopped injecting?
 
Absolutely yes.
It just takes time.

An analogy would be the compulsion to inhale a cigarette.
It can (and will) pass, with a bit of effort.
All the bedt man. I did it, and i was a fucking fiend. LOVED hitting a vein and compressing the plunger.
And that was only ~ 1 year ago. You can do it

Edit - the only advice i can offer is a drug with different ROA.
Eat it, plug it, vape it. ..soon your brain will seek that as its kicks.
Worked for me anyway. I started IVing 10/11 years ago with a gap in the middle somewhere...but it is absolutely possible to walk away from.
More than once if need be.


Feel free to pm me, please.
 
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spacejunk said:
Absolutely yes.
It just takes time.

An analogy would be the compulsion to inhale a cigarette.
It can (and will) pass, with a bit of effort.
All the bedt man. I did it, and i was a fucking fiend. LOVED hitting a vein and compressing the plunger.
And that was only ~ 1 year ago. You can do it

Edit - the only advice i can offer is a drug with different ROA.
Eat it, plug it, vape it. ..soon your brain will seek that as its kicks.
Worked for me anyway. I started IVing 10/11 years ago with a gap in the middle somewhere...but it is absolutely possible to walk away from.
More than once if need be.


Feel free to pm me, please.
Click to expand...

Oh it's not so much beating the compulsion to do it I'm worried about, I know that'll be easier than things I've previously accomplished already, but I'm just worried that even if 10-15 years from now I'm still not injecting that I'll still have a love for it in general. For me the compulsion with cigarettes is a different beast, I'm habitually smoking, so it has become a part of my routine, but I don't harbour any love for cigarettes, just a small desire each time I take one out of the pack to smoke. It's a step below but still somewhat close to the profound difference I felt after experiencing ego death, I just feel like there's no forgetting that rush, and I worry that my life will feel somehow lesser if I'm able to quit long term but unable to forget how good it felt.

With cigarettes I know if I quit them and replace their part in my routine with other things, a year later I might occasionally have a drink and think "Ah a cig now might be nice, but I best not since I've quit", but it was never an attachment so strong, like the needle's which has me wishing I could turn back time every day and never have tried it.

Maybe I misunderstood though and you mean the same, I guess there's no sense in worrying myself too much over the future of my regrets and doubts now when I need to focus on recovering and actually becoming someone who can be capable of dismissing those worries :)
 
you have to remember that "feeling" you remember was not how it actually felt like, at least for me. those memories of that IV rush is a fucking lie. it has no value. my addiction tries to pull me back by saying you will never get that sort of happiness in life like that again. however, i have had to come to terms that life is not always about being happy. when i choose to look into dualistic terms, i bring on suffering to my self. i choose to look at drugs as an illusion to justify the impossible of being happy forever, for never having to deal with pain. just like the saying goes, what goes up, must come down. i cannot live in a world that focuses in happiness, and actually be happy. it is a conundrum, a play on words and a mix up of reality.

whenever a memory comes up of an IV rush, the memory seems so real and terrifying. i get scared because i can feel the needle pierce my skin, see the silhouette of blood erupt into the barrell, and the drug calling my name. it tells me things will be different, it doesnt tell me how fucked up things will get. it doesnt tell me how my soul feels like it is being ripped out of me, it doesnt acknowledge how it will destroy my self-confidence and self-esteem, it doesnt tell me how i will rob cheat and steal to get another fix. the idea is to notice what cravings and desires are, they are just thoughts. they are not real, when i die no one will know what thoughts went on in my head throughout my life because they are not based in reality. these thoughts try to pull me from the present to entertain duality, the idea of happy and sad, excitement and depression, lust and apathy. life is not like though, there are no defined answers, there is no right way per se. once duality is realized and let go of, the only thing i can do is to find the "middle way." no matter how much i fight life, i cannot change the nature of reality. so what do i do if everything society tells me is fucked up?

i find solace in the fact that control is only an illusion aswell, and that these thoughts are natural. i do not think about thinking of drugs and that rush. they just happen, stemming from the most primitive part of my brain that tells me to eat, sleep, fuck, and do drugs. the idea is to form a greater link between the prefrontal cortex (ego/conscious brain) and the mesocorticolimbic (unconscious) system of my brain. once i let go of trying to control (prefrontal) my thoughts and trying to stop my cravings and forcefully trying to be sober (unconscious brain), then i feel free from the suffering of self image and the idea of a self beyond a self. allowing myself to find refuge in change and the present moments assuages my anxiety of trying to control things, to plan things, to make things different than they really are, to tell myself things will be different this time, to search for happiness, and to believe that there is something to achieve at out of life other than just living life and being a human being.

hoped that helps,
-laC
 
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you have to learn to let go of romanticizing the idea of shooting up. I saw it like that for a long time too, I was as addicted to the needle as I was to the drug itself... like, to the point where I was shooting up water in rehab. Sooo dumb looking back lol. Once I stopped glamorizing the fuck out of shooting up and started just looking at it as another ROA (albeit a far more potent one lol) it became a lot easier to let go of.

I wouldn't go so far as to say it disgusts me yet... but I hope that's where I'm headed!!
 
I have known quite a few tobacco smokers that quit for life but did it because they were taking responsibility for their health. They will tell you that they miss the pleasure of smoking every time they think about it or see it in a movie or whatever. But the thing is they do think about it less and less (and seeing triggering images of people smoking a cigarette as opposed to triggering images of shooting up are a lot more common).

I realize this is going to sound trivial in comparison, but I can liken it to issues I have with sweets and carbs. I love to bake and I am a very good baker. I love to make pies and cakes and tarts and tortes and cookies and breads. And like what you are describing, it is not just the end product I like, I like the comfort and sensual associations I have with a warm kitchen, flour on my hands, rolling out different doughs. (I'm triggering myself =D) I can't eat like that anymore and neither can my husband. It's a pleasure that I had to give up. Period. My solution has been to look for something that offers similar rewards. Working in the dirt in the garden can do it. Working with clay.

My son described the needle addiction very well to me. I told him that the only way I could relate was the ritual I have around my morning coffee. I have to say that his love of needles is something that haunts me to this day.
 
You can mail all your baked goods this way, I love to bake also, but I also love to indulge after.

Personally I don't have a love for the needle, its more so the excitement I get knowing what's coming next, I would feel that same way about a turkey baster if that's what I used as my roa lol. I actually hate the way a syringe feels and hate its look, but once I see the blood rush in that's when I get excited. Before using I had a fear of needles, used to have to strap me to a table to use one on me.
 
I quit shooting up

I don't let obsessive thoughts and compulsions control my life anymore

I still have days where I miss it

Dreams about it

It will always be in my mind and I'm ok with that

I just hope you find peace in quitting too, if that's what you want.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I quit shooting up

I don't let obsessive thoughts and compulsions control my life anymore

I still have days where I miss it

Dreams about it

It will always be in my mind and I'm ok with that

I just hope you find peace in quitting too, if that's what you want.
Click to expand...

I think this is the key: accepting that it will probably always be in your mind to a certain extent but not letting that fact rule you. Have the thought but don't feed the thought.
 
Yeah, I quit IV'ing almost 10 years ago and don't miss it. The first drug I ever mainlined was cocaine powder in 1996, and while I'll never forget the pleasure of IV'ing some really good drug, I'm over it now.
 
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