TCMVegas
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 22, 2012
- Messages
- 147
I'm not really sure TDS is the right place for this, even though it involved some desperate and dark times. I'm more trying to keep them from happening again.
The Promise:
My psychiatrist prescribed me 2Xmg Adderall a day just before school got going again in the spring. At first, Xmg twice a day was all I took, even though I was prescribed twice that much. I felt like a god, I was so focused, no longer self-conscious, felt popular, felt brilliant, and very motivated. I told myself that I didn't want to ever let my tolerance take me above 4Xmg a day, since twixe at Xmg was already so effective. A month later, my psychiatrist gave me 8Xmg a day, which let me rationalize using higher doses (2X mg twice a day after 3-4 weeks, up to 8X mg after 2 months), even though these higher doses never met the effectiveness of those first doses. I built up a tolerance and became dependent. But I had KNOWN that Adderall was my answer. I was finally going to get A's, and Adderall seemed to be my savior. I could work for hours and hours with incredible interest and focus, and absorb so much from what I was learning.
The Darkness:
It was somewhere around mid semester that I really realized I was becoming an amphetamine addict. I was taking a bare minimum of 4X mg a day, most often around 6Xmg (2 XR's). Some days, especially in nights before math tests, I would take adderall every couple of hours, sometimes reaching 100mg in a 24 hours period while desperately (and impressively) studying for a midterm that I should have prepared for way earlier. As I continued to exhibit not-great work habits, I was in danger of not maintaining B's in my classes. I needed to work more. The path to success seemed to be sleeping less, because when up at night working on amphetamines (or just reading bluelight or researching drugs), sleeping seems like the devil.
My low sleep was unhuman, and I mean ABSOLUTELY UNHUMAN. Some Fridays, I'd tell people I'd only slept 5 hours since Monday. I had visual trails in class, waving my hand in front of my face. My eyelids were practically purple, and so droopy that I thought I must have been permanently damaging my eyes. My working memory was so shot that by the time I read the end of a sentence, I'd lost track of the information from the beginning of it. In class one day I reread a sentence 4-5 times and absolutely could not comprehend it. I was becoming paranoid of those around me. On weekends, if I didn't set my alarm, I'd sometimes wake up 16 hours later, still exhausted,as my body fought the losing battle of trying to recover from me. A paranoia accusation lost me a good friend, and may have damaged the relationship with my best friend. I feel terrible and want to apologize, but I don't think this is going to be possible. I lost friends. I was a psychotic amphetamine addict. But worst of all, I didn't even have the grades to show for it.
Originally I thought I'd never use it recreationally, I broke that promise to myself. Adderall made you not miss sleep. Adderall made me sleep SO LITTLE that it must have just decimated my ability to work and remember. Which I "fixed" with more Adderall. My grades were drooping, and I was becoming psychotic. I decided I wanted to salvage my grades, and could use a break from school.
The Future:
I've been amphetamine-free for months now, without an Adderall prescription. I've been thinking for months about how I should treat Adderall. I will have a friend hold on to it, so that I do not end up irresponsibly abusing it. I just need to know what exact instructions to give him.
The best solution I can come up with so far is to give myself single 20mg XR for Saturday, and a single 20XR on Sunday, and not use it throughout the week. Only exception being the day before and the day of any midterms. Do you guys think this is a responsible plan? I want to keep some benefit from Adderall without becoming totally dependent.
The Promise:
My psychiatrist prescribed me 2Xmg Adderall a day just before school got going again in the spring. At first, Xmg twice a day was all I took, even though I was prescribed twice that much. I felt like a god, I was so focused, no longer self-conscious, felt popular, felt brilliant, and very motivated. I told myself that I didn't want to ever let my tolerance take me above 4Xmg a day, since twixe at Xmg was already so effective. A month later, my psychiatrist gave me 8Xmg a day, which let me rationalize using higher doses (2X mg twice a day after 3-4 weeks, up to 8X mg after 2 months), even though these higher doses never met the effectiveness of those first doses. I built up a tolerance and became dependent. But I had KNOWN that Adderall was my answer. I was finally going to get A's, and Adderall seemed to be my savior. I could work for hours and hours with incredible interest and focus, and absorb so much from what I was learning.
The Darkness:
It was somewhere around mid semester that I really realized I was becoming an amphetamine addict. I was taking a bare minimum of 4X mg a day, most often around 6Xmg (2 XR's). Some days, especially in nights before math tests, I would take adderall every couple of hours, sometimes reaching 100mg in a 24 hours period while desperately (and impressively) studying for a midterm that I should have prepared for way earlier. As I continued to exhibit not-great work habits, I was in danger of not maintaining B's in my classes. I needed to work more. The path to success seemed to be sleeping less, because when up at night working on amphetamines (or just reading bluelight or researching drugs), sleeping seems like the devil.
My low sleep was unhuman, and I mean ABSOLUTELY UNHUMAN. Some Fridays, I'd tell people I'd only slept 5 hours since Monday. I had visual trails in class, waving my hand in front of my face. My eyelids were practically purple, and so droopy that I thought I must have been permanently damaging my eyes. My working memory was so shot that by the time I read the end of a sentence, I'd lost track of the information from the beginning of it. In class one day I reread a sentence 4-5 times and absolutely could not comprehend it. I was becoming paranoid of those around me. On weekends, if I didn't set my alarm, I'd sometimes wake up 16 hours later, still exhausted,as my body fought the losing battle of trying to recover from me. A paranoia accusation lost me a good friend, and may have damaged the relationship with my best friend. I feel terrible and want to apologize, but I don't think this is going to be possible. I lost friends. I was a psychotic amphetamine addict. But worst of all, I didn't even have the grades to show for it.
Originally I thought I'd never use it recreationally, I broke that promise to myself. Adderall made you not miss sleep. Adderall made me sleep SO LITTLE that it must have just decimated my ability to work and remember. Which I "fixed" with more Adderall. My grades were drooping, and I was becoming psychotic. I decided I wanted to salvage my grades, and could use a break from school.
The Future:
I've been amphetamine-free for months now, without an Adderall prescription. I've been thinking for months about how I should treat Adderall. I will have a friend hold on to it, so that I do not end up irresponsibly abusing it. I just need to know what exact instructions to give him.
The best solution I can come up with so far is to give myself single 20mg XR for Saturday, and a single 20XR on Sunday, and not use it throughout the week. Only exception being the day before and the day of any midterms. Do you guys think this is a responsible plan? I want to keep some benefit from Adderall without becoming totally dependent.
Last edited:
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
Occasionally taking Piracetam. Then I started doing meditation and felt that I was clear enough and didn't need anything at all anymore. 
