Hard time coping with fears of future

[JasperTheReckless]

I'm pretty shook up, my night is kinda ruined; got into an argument with my Ex over my drug usage (dropped a couple hyrdo's tonight), and the subject of heroin was brought up; I have never done, and never plan to, as it is deeply tied into one of the toughest issues I cope with, the death of my father. I never got to know him, as he died when I was two, so no real memories. Something along the lines of oh you'll end up doing stuff like that soon enough was said, and now I'm losing my shit, i'm high as shit, and my mind is spinning too quickly to focus on calming myself down; all my techniques might as well be out the window. Not sure what I'm asking here, just typing to have something to focus on, and not break down.

I am scared of what my future holds, my good days seem to be few and far between, the dark ones, darker and darker. I've had issues with bad thoughts in the past, and I don't like being in that place. On top of all this, being Bi polar fucks with it soooo bad. Everything is in extremes; good days are FUCKING AWESOME and bad days are like the end of the world. I feel as though I age years in the span of a week. I'm beginning to wonder how much I can deal with before I just crack and hollow out, and disconnect. Three hours ago I was having a pretty damn good day, now I feel as though i've been depressed for years. I just want some kind of anchor on life, something to keep me sane.

 

[n@nn@]

Maybe your ex was trying to give you a jolt. Cruel to be kind etc. Maybe she's worried about you and it just came out in frustration. Maybe she knows you better than you know yourself. Good luck.

 

[herbavore]

Jasper, I can empathize with your fear. When we don't know any way out of the pain of the present it is so easy to project out into the future and see our whole lives through this one lens. The unfortunate consequence is that we then create that future.

I have always had strong emotions--the highs are high and the lows are low--but I feel somewhat blessed to have made peace with that as just my nature when I was younger. Recently I lost my youngest son to an overdose that was fueled by the very kind of despair we are speaking of. The shattering of both my world and my being from that point on has given new meaning to "the rollercoaster" of emotions. Before he died, in the year in which every day was a day to try to keep him from dying, I began to read about and seek out information on mindfulness as a way to focus on the present without projecting into the future. It was the most powerful tool I have ever been given. Without it, I am very sure that I would not be surviving. The good news is that not only am I surviving but I feel a solidity that is virtually unshakeable by life's inevitable lows and my future is open.

I just finished thanking Villain, in this thread for a long list of resources on mindfulness. (Check out the list on page 1 of that thread.) I know that when one is in extreme psychic pain that the desire and need to disconnect is almost a self-preservation; but it is based on the faulty assumption that the pain will never end. Becoming aware that we are so much more than our thoughts, our circumstances and our cravings is very empowering. I hope that you will check out ways to incorporate this way of looking at things into your life. There are usually any number of ways to find out about it, take a class etc. in every community, as well as online resources. It is not a religion or a prescribed way of thinking even; it is just a very practical tool, free and accessible to anyone, that delivers profound healing on many levels.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Jasper I am sorry to hear you're having such a rough time at the moment. I hope you're feeling a bit better today

Following on from what herbavore said, which were as always very wise words indeed, have you ever, or are you currently seeing a counsellor for your drug use or emotional issues? Do you think it's something that could help you? My current therapist is very keen on using the mindfulness techniques that herbavore mentioned, and it is helping me a LOT with my problems. I would also recommend that at very least you do a bit of reading on mindfulness and see if that helps you, and seek some professional help as well if that is something you'd like to explore.

Take care of yourself, and keep us updated with how you're doing

 

[thelonging]

I relate to the original post rather strongly right now. I'm legitimately sympathetic to someone I don't even know. I wish I could help an inch.

 

[JasperTheReckless]

I do see someone to talk about issues I have, it is endlessly frustrating however, that they perscribe medications to help deal, that cause problems by themselves, and solve none of the ones I had to begin with. I've told my story here of Seroquel, my doctor kept upping my dose until I got furious and stopped it, for I was seeing demonic faces, hearing voices and so sleepy I was virtually unable to function. I had to give up alot of things I loved doing while on this med, as I would nod out with little to no warning. I lost alot of hope that a doctor is really the answer after that event. Shit, i'd trip -less- off actual drugs.

I am so confused as to how to address my addiction issue, I have been able to avoid the drug that ruined my life, with an occasional slip, but other drugs, when used respectfully actually seem to help me. This is fine of itself, but the problems start when loved ones try to confront me about it. None of them having ever touched a drug in their life, i feel like I'm getting a drawing lesson from a blind man. They have no concept of drugs having any positive effects whatsoever, all they see is drug = overdose. Period. I have been using DXM to manage my depression, once of twice a week, but I'm worried about longer term side effects caused by dissociatives; I have heard some pretty rough stories. Additionally, when I get hasty in my dosing and fuck up the dxm/dxo ratio, I become heavily fucked up (loss of coordination, slurred words, double vision, confusion) for days, and it ruins the whole point of trying to feel better. I feel like i'm close to an effective solution, but I'd scared of what could happen if things take a turn for the worse.

Being bipolar is a double edged sword as I KNOW i'll be depressed as fuck again in a few days, but while I'm depressed I can usually cope by knowing I'll be manic as all hell, bouncing off walls in a few days. It's hard regardless, because knowing it will get better and believing it are two different things.