iLoveYouWithaKnife
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2002
- Messages
- 8,351
Hi Mom,
I really apologize that I haven't been in touch,
although I do like your humor when you say 'please let me know you are alive...'
Yes yes, I am alive. I just tend to be on the computer a few times a week to not being on at all for a while. Plus I hate this computer and staring at this yellowish colored screen makes my eyes hurt.
Anyway, since it has been so long since I talked to you last this email is probably going to get a bit long. so it's probably wise not to start reading this unless you have a little bit of time.
I really don't even know where to begin.
well I guess I could start with a positive thing perhaps. Things are finally being settled with my father's estate/John & Christine. I remember telling you that I had hired an attorney in Hazleton right around my birthday who had sent about letters to John and his lawyer, and finally this week they had finally responded. Things are going well with that, and perhaps within the next 2 weeks or so, this will all be settled. I don't know if you knew totals when my sister had gotten her inheritance, but she ended up getting shit. That is why I completely wanted to get a lawyer (esp for the fact that I didn't want to deal with john and christine on my own) but I got the total I am suppose to get a good amount. Everyone now seems to be cooperating well and this should all be settled very soon. I will send you the 1,000 that I borrowed from you right before I moved from phila when I was having problems with my apt and such, as promised. One of the second things that I would like to do is pay of my student loans asap
. It really seemed like such a rip off for going to school for one year and owing soo much money. I feel so discourage. Like it was such a waste of my time, and well money. But i guess one of the biggest lessons is learning, and living.
Now on to, i guess, the more negative aspects in my life.... I really don't know what I want to do. I mean, I Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT want to continue to live in hazleton for the rest of my life working a crumming job and going no where, but I dont' know what I want to do. I really want to go back to school eventually but I don't know for what. I'm at this point in my life again where I'm just lost again. Im in between figuring out what exactly it is that I want to do. Is this normal? It just seems to me that no matter what it is I do... no matter how much I have goals set and what not, something comes in my way and i feel lost again. it makes me feel like a failure.
On top of all of this, the one thing that actually makes me want to be here, is amber and jacob, but my sister has decided that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. we had already talked before about my sister and her 'husband's' relationship, and how it is I feel about him. I don't like him in the slightest bit.... to the point where we had already gotten in fist fights. A few months ago, I had heard a terrible rumor about him involving drugs. it created this horrible uproar, and chrissy, being herself, let it all pass and tried to get her family life back on track. me and chrissy haven't really talked since then... just a few times here and there, about basic things. the other day she asked me if I thought the rumor was true, and i told her that i thought it was. there's just something about joe that I don't like. there's jsut something about him. My sister has been on good terms with barbara. She apparently goes out shopping with barbara all the time and barb spents alot of money on the kids and things for the house. my sister got a fixed rate on her morgage but she had to refinance which meant that i could be taken off the loan. But i told chrissy i would not sign off of the deed if joe was going to be put on. she said that joe was not going to be put on, only her name was going to be. so i agreed. barb had agreed to my sister to pay like the 100 dollars up front to get this done, and after i signed off chrissy was like, oh barb made a mistake and told the company that joe was being put on. Then my sister had brought up the whole rumor thing and asked me if i thought it was true, when i told her yes she continued to asked me why i thought it was and then she told me that she didn't want to talk to me anymore. so once again, i feel as though, as much as i try, i still come out as being the bad one.
And besides that there’s a few other problems going on in the ‘family’ life and ‘social.’ It’s seem as though, when it rains it really fucking pours. Ya know? Is this how it always is? No matter what, you really can’t get ahead of your game? It seems to be that way. I am almost beginning to feel stuck. It’s almost coming to the point where I take a step back and say, “well jen, such is life, and this is yours. Learn to deal with it cause it isn’t going to get better than this.” People say you can change what’s going on, and I think I’m just starting to think, that you really can’t. And if you could…. There’d be no distress. In anyone’s life. And well, that isn’t the case. I’m sorry to sit here and sound so negative and just bitch and complain about every single thing, but you had asked what was up. And well, this is what’s up inside and out. It’s this daily rountine I’ve been baring with for the last 22 years…. Just like everyone else does every single day. But on this day, I wish that you could forget about all the distress and misfourtune we see everyday and rememeber that this is your day. And I am your daughter. I’ve come along way since the last time you saw me, and the time before that. And I just hope that you are proud of me. Even if it is being proud that I am a fuck up. Without me, there would be no mother’s day wish to you, because we both know there isn’t one coming from Chrissy. She’s living her happy life now, in her fairy tale setting, and celebrating this day, in her own way. Good for her.
All in all, Happy Mother’s Day to you. I hope it means something.
Jen *heart*
I really apologize that I haven't been in touch,
although I do like your humor when you say 'please let me know you are alive...'
Yes yes, I am alive. I just tend to be on the computer a few times a week to not being on at all for a while. Plus I hate this computer and staring at this yellowish colored screen makes my eyes hurt.
Anyway, since it has been so long since I talked to you last this email is probably going to get a bit long. so it's probably wise not to start reading this unless you have a little bit of time.
I really don't even know where to begin.
well I guess I could start with a positive thing perhaps. Things are finally being settled with my father's estate/John & Christine. I remember telling you that I had hired an attorney in Hazleton right around my birthday who had sent about letters to John and his lawyer, and finally this week they had finally responded. Things are going well with that, and perhaps within the next 2 weeks or so, this will all be settled. I don't know if you knew totals when my sister had gotten her inheritance, but she ended up getting shit. That is why I completely wanted to get a lawyer (esp for the fact that I didn't want to deal with john and christine on my own) but I got the total I am suppose to get a good amount. Everyone now seems to be cooperating well and this should all be settled very soon. I will send you the 1,000 that I borrowed from you right before I moved from phila when I was having problems with my apt and such, as promised. One of the second things that I would like to do is pay of my student loans asap
. It really seemed like such a rip off for going to school for one year and owing soo much money. I feel so discourage. Like it was such a waste of my time, and well money. But i guess one of the biggest lessons is learning, and living.
Now on to, i guess, the more negative aspects in my life.... I really don't know what I want to do. I mean, I Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT want to continue to live in hazleton for the rest of my life working a crumming job and going no where, but I dont' know what I want to do. I really want to go back to school eventually but I don't know for what. I'm at this point in my life again where I'm just lost again. Im in between figuring out what exactly it is that I want to do. Is this normal? It just seems to me that no matter what it is I do... no matter how much I have goals set and what not, something comes in my way and i feel lost again. it makes me feel like a failure.
On top of all of this, the one thing that actually makes me want to be here, is amber and jacob, but my sister has decided that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. we had already talked before about my sister and her 'husband's' relationship, and how it is I feel about him. I don't like him in the slightest bit.... to the point where we had already gotten in fist fights. A few months ago, I had heard a terrible rumor about him involving drugs. it created this horrible uproar, and chrissy, being herself, let it all pass and tried to get her family life back on track. me and chrissy haven't really talked since then... just a few times here and there, about basic things. the other day she asked me if I thought the rumor was true, and i told her that i thought it was. there's just something about joe that I don't like. there's jsut something about him. My sister has been on good terms with barbara. She apparently goes out shopping with barbara all the time and barb spents alot of money on the kids and things for the house. my sister got a fixed rate on her morgage but she had to refinance which meant that i could be taken off the loan. But i told chrissy i would not sign off of the deed if joe was going to be put on. she said that joe was not going to be put on, only her name was going to be. so i agreed. barb had agreed to my sister to pay like the 100 dollars up front to get this done, and after i signed off chrissy was like, oh barb made a mistake and told the company that joe was being put on. Then my sister had brought up the whole rumor thing and asked me if i thought it was true, when i told her yes she continued to asked me why i thought it was and then she told me that she didn't want to talk to me anymore. so once again, i feel as though, as much as i try, i still come out as being the bad one.
And besides that there’s a few other problems going on in the ‘family’ life and ‘social.’ It’s seem as though, when it rains it really fucking pours. Ya know? Is this how it always is? No matter what, you really can’t get ahead of your game? It seems to be that way. I am almost beginning to feel stuck. It’s almost coming to the point where I take a step back and say, “well jen, such is life, and this is yours. Learn to deal with it cause it isn’t going to get better than this.” People say you can change what’s going on, and I think I’m just starting to think, that you really can’t. And if you could…. There’d be no distress. In anyone’s life. And well, that isn’t the case. I’m sorry to sit here and sound so negative and just bitch and complain about every single thing, but you had asked what was up. And well, this is what’s up inside and out. It’s this daily rountine I’ve been baring with for the last 22 years…. Just like everyone else does every single day. But on this day, I wish that you could forget about all the distress and misfourtune we see everyday and rememeber that this is your day. And I am your daughter. I’ve come along way since the last time you saw me, and the time before that. And I just hope that you are proud of me. Even if it is being proud that I am a fuck up. Without me, there would be no mother’s day wish to you, because we both know there isn’t one coming from Chrissy. She’s living her happy life now, in her fairy tale setting, and celebrating this day, in her own way. Good for her.
All in all, Happy Mother’s Day to you. I hope it means something.
Jen *heart*
