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Happy birthday to me! My story so far :(

Bare_head

Bare_head

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 7, 2005
Messages
3,051
Location
UK
Hellow me fellow bluelighters,

So its my birthday today, 26 years of age, doesnt feel one bit like a day to celebrate...

I was sacked back 4 years ago now for having a panic attack and breaking down in store (i worked for vodafone as customer service) ,

Then i found poker,

I ran £20 up too $10,000 within a year playing sn'gs/mtt's , i had a good skill for the game, im a good handreader, but sadly i busted that roll one night on eph and playing hyper turbos. i was gutted , all that hard work undone in a matter of 24/48 hours of sitting there chasing losses :|

Needless to say i made it back and more, $40k to be precise, i began taking on a game called PLO (pot limit omaha) a variant to NL holdem but a swingy crazy and fun game, this time last year i had 7k in the bank, a $40k roll, life was good ! again one night i played three of the best plo players online in the world imo , again needless to say it didnt go well, dropped 15k and it was downhill all from that, one night i couldnt deposit anymore, i had no money :?:X
what?!??! how ??!?!? a hot flushing sensation came over me, i was gutted, my parents were pretty much broke, i didnt have any other funds, looked to a friend in the offshore business and he helped me out through that time, still though, it just got "degened" away ....

Then i found a backer, someone who would stake me?!?! what i never thought this be possible, that i would need to look for help in this way, i strictly played the games im good at in my mind and made some decnet $$ this year, but alas i have given that all back and more to the plo / cash game regs..

I need to learn and i need to learn quick, i won a nice 5k last friday taking down an online mtt and have won a good $31k in the past 3 months but still and again (saturday sunday to be precise) deposited my profits onto another site and inevitably lost everything (AGAIN)!

YES i understand i have a problem , i'm playing this game for a living and i just keep throwing my wages away on other variants of poker :(,

i know i suffer anxiety badly and have been self medicating since 2003, i have just been to see the specialist doctor as my brother suffers aspergers syndrome and they seem to think i may have been on the austistic spectrum all along,

I have unfortunately developed an etizolam habit, im getting the pinky 2mg ones, being raped basically , think im going through around 100 of these in 2 weeks, tolerance and the rebound anxiety from these can be a bitch,

I didnt tell this to the specialist, he has offered two types of medication for me, pregabalin or escitalopram, im pretty sure i think pregab is the way to go, this is going to be another month away before i see him.

Its strange because i have a skill for this game in mtt's (they are gruelling 14 hour days though) but have a good ROI in these games and are beatable to make a living, if u can understand that i can be playing this game for a living but have a problem with another type of variant of poker i am no good at :(

so 26, got a lovely young looking gf with a good heart (she has the same birthday as me) i have no real money to my name but a good backer and some skills when in the right frame of mind.

So plans guys, before i end up losing the plot and ultimately my life,

Goals to set, ban myself from other poker sites, play solely under mtt's, join the gym when i next get in profit, taper on the etizolam, these pills are so variable i'm not sure when im taking 6mg/8mg and it becomes a bit of a blurr when u just munch them for fun before bed, do i need to be using these in the day? small doses? i find my anxiety really bad, but hate the groggy unmotivated feeling, or is that because im withdrawing?

Im really a bit messed up at the moment, woke up at 6am aint even got my gf a present, shes sat asleep in bed behind me as i write this, i got 100 quid on me, i guess going down to the florists be a nice gesture, and maybe a top from topshop or something? she would like that right? strange we share the same birthday i know. or should i just use this £100 on doing something with her, taking my day off poker,,, hmmmmm :/

I have some sort of condition i know this, and the specialist is trying to work out what that is for me, in the mean time suggestions? any advice,


I feel im blurting shit as there is so much more to life than money, i let poker take over my life, i will even be playing tonight while its our birthday, basically because im broke and need to keep up with my monthly target of games which im lacking in !

RIP to all those bl'ers i have sadly never met but i have been an avid lurker and a somewhat on and off poster, Maybe some breakfast and 5mg of amt will help today, just to get rid of this fog, i dont feel that bad at the moment but thats because i know i still have etiz in my blood. how long is the half life on these things? i really want to quit this shit !

Anyways peace and love to you guys, dont know where else to turn, im gonnna get breakfast and get to town to get my gf some stuff with me last £100,

anyone with knowledge of coming of benzos would greatly be appreciated, and is pregab even any good? its even shorter half life than etiz and the specialist says i have to take it every 4 hours or so ??!

Much love, Bare Head <3, also rip to all those bl'ers i havn't met but have read your posts and the people that were taken away from these boards over the years are sick losses :( my dearest condolences go out to any family and friends,

RIP cornishman btw , makes me feel humble with my shitty little problem, lifes too short !
 
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Happy birthday man.

Quick perusal of your post tells me two things. 1) You're very good at a certain type of poker. 2) You have a chronic addiction for which you need to seek proper help, maybe with some of those winnings you lose.

You need to see an addiction specialist, a really good one. You need to do this now.

Now.

Happy birthday to your gf btw. Same day same age? That's just weird. :)
 
Good times =D Medication-wise: you're at 6-8mg etizolam per day, right, maybe a bit more? Mostly in the evening/before bed?

My advice would be to start off with taking the etiz in a more structured way: try 1mg in morning, 1mg in the afternoon eight hours later, then 1,5mg before bed. Is gonna be hard to stick at first, mentally. See how you feel and take it from there. You'll likely feel "undermedicated" in the evenings so it may help to have something else on top of it... Escitalopram can work great for social anxiety (serotonin's confidence and motivation) but it has a rough intro period for most people. I personally got a few weeks of high anxiety when I started on citalopram (bad palpitations, cold sweat, puking, tremor) so I would NOT recommend starting a SSRI during your taper.

When I came off a larger benzo habit last year I used pregabalin which worked instantly, it literally gave relief within 30 minutes and had little to no cross-tolerance with benzos: this meant that I could continue tapering while taking pregabalin to cover up the benzo-WD. Felt like a proper miracle-pill. It got me out of a headspace that wouldn't have done me any good at all in the long run :| After quitting the benzo/drink/GHB I still taking pregabalin, like a form of maintanance therapy, cos it took away most cravings and kept the lethargy and worst depression at bay.

For sleep in particular: if you reduce your etizolam you may get some odd nights, try Phenergan (promethazine) or Remeron (mirtazepine). If you explain to your doc that your anxiety causes you to sleep badly which in turn causes your quality of life to drop, they'll likely agree to prescribe a mild sleeper such as the above.

do i need to be using these in the day? small doses? i find my anxiety really bad, but hate the groggy unmotivated feeling, or is that because im withdrawing?
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You'll feel loads less groggy and doped once you've reduced your doses. In fact, if you reduce too quickly you may want to jump out of your skin from physical and mental agitation, though I doubt that your habit is THAT bad.

I'll stress: you only need just enough to cover up the worst withdrawal, but I'll admit that for a inexperienced benzo-user with a milder habit it can be hard to recognize what is withdrawal and what is natural anxiety.
 
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Happy Birthday mate.

Sounds like on one hand you've got it made, easy money from pissing about with a laptop. While on the other hand you've got a gambling addiction that will eat up all your money. Double edged sword, init. The same thing that can make you a fortune will at the same time lose you everything.

I wish there was someway you could let someone else take control of this. Like, have your g/f sign in for you and supervise you playing so that you can only do the shit you're good at and not get tempted to go blast it all on the more "fun" stuff. I realise that this isn't practical though. I hope you sort something out to let you deal with it properly. If not you might just have to bite the bullet and sack the whole thing.

Best of luck anyway man. Here's hoping you hit that million buck jackpot one day and cash out to a beach somewhere.
 
StoneHappyMonday said:
You need to see an addiction specialist, a really good one. You need to do this now.

Now.
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Bare_head, what kind of specialist are you seeing now? If autism-spectrum disorder is suspected, then you may end up in the hands of a autism-specialist. They might not be able to tackle all of your self-medication issues, IME, but if pregabalin (and/or an other med) gets you in a better mindset then you may be able to tackle a lot of it on your own. Just saying so that you won't be discouraged if it turns out to take even more waiting & patience to see another specialist :|
 
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Yes, can I emphasise BH, when I say a good specialist I'm talking 'good' holistically, through the whole spectrum. Meaning not one who is going to constantly keep you waiting on a list or for appointments. Much as I love the NHS, in these circumstances I think private treatment may be the way to go. Paying for something doesn't make it better per se, you've still got to find someone who knows their shit, but it has the advantage of being pretty instant when you flash the cash.

You really do need help above and beyond what you're getting now from doctors or benzos. You have a gambling problem. Being good at it, in certain circumstances or on certain games, only makes the situation worse for you as the temptation is greater. Handing over control of it to someone else is but a temporary fix. You need to conquer this for yourself somewhere along the line.

Yes, you need to learn, and quick. But you may not have the capacity 'to learn'. By learn, you mean be in control, knowing not to blow it. But can you? Or is the trigger of your addiction always going to stop you from doing that? Because you're not stupid. You already know the one golden rule of professional gambling, only lose what you can afford.

But knowing something and acting on the knowledge are two entirely different things aye?

It's a tough one man, I see your problem. Ability wise, you have it in you to be a pro of some degree. Mentally, you don't. Benzos or other drugs will NEVER fix this for you. More likely, they will have a negative effect on your ability in the long run.

I would say good luck, but, as with poker, you know there's a bit more to it than luck aye?
 
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Happy birthday. I hope you don't join the 27 club though. You seem like a highly intelligent man with some issues. I have got a lot of bad habits myself.

Have you thought about getting a doctor to prescribe you benzos if you have legitimate anxiety. That could save you a ton of money and withdrawals.

Also have you considered coming clean with a doctor and being tapered off medically for you own safety if you really do not need the etolizam. Benzo withdrawal can kill you. I know this because I have severe chronic anxiety and panic attacks so I a heavy dose of benzos myself and I get them from a doctor. I have been warned of the risks of not taking the medication and everything I have read backs it up. If I were to go 24 hours without my medication I would most likely have a seizure.

Loan sharks can kill you to. First it usually starts with you kneecaps so maybe you can get on chronic pain management. (poor taste joke) But seriously you are playing with fire if you are borrowing money from these types of people if you cannot pay it back. Sometimes people are made an example of. Really they just want their money, but if people do not fear them, they will resort to extreme measures to make sure they do, especially when they know they are not getting paid.

You seem like you are on the autism spectrum and that is not neccesarily a bad thing. Many geniuses are on the autism spectrum. Those people usually have aspergers syndrome. Look it up. Basically its a very high IQ with signs of autism.

I guess I am saying you need to be careful. I am not saying do not play cards, but if you do fucking win. Its important to know the very serious consequences of what you are doing. Sometimes people with aspergers do not pick up on everything but pick up on other things with undrescriable ability.

I hope I don't come across as a dick, but I know what hardcore criminals are like and you really do not want to get on their bad side.
 
Thanks alot for the heart felt responses, i went to my gp, she perscribed me prozac to begin with, i didnt take it, i was so stubborn about taking ssri's, i have been undergoing cbt for 4 months now (a session evwry few weeks)

Your right about the double edged sword ptc :-(, n sth its a mental health specialist the one that specialises in autism/bipolar ect, and your right the nhs is a total big loooonnngggg waiting list. I have waited almost 3 months to see him, he knows i knew my shit on ssri's and alcohol gaba working drugs ect, i will be seeing him next month, if i had the cash i wid flash it in an instance,

About loan sharks, i loan money from no one, i am backed so essentially u cud say its a loan, but i give him 40% of everything i win so basically he freerolling me, i wouldnt ever run with his money, this is why i am backed, because i have no self discipline, he is a good guy, yes all he wants is money but so do i so its a no brainer with the mtt talents i have ,

Been got hair cut, shaved, got my gf something nice, she still asleep bless her , im gonna gwt a bath and get ready to take her oit for breakfast, play at 4 so wish it guys, it is my birthday after all :-) think 5mg of amt wnt do no harm ;)

Still aint tried al lad, scared with my mental state but maybe this is whay i need ?!?!?! Thanka again giys for the responses
 
I really wish i had some advice i could pass on but I don't have any experience of playing poker or gambling really and my benzo usage is small really.
I did just want to say though that your sadness at your situation really came across in your post bare_head and you would do well to get yourself the best help that you can, some good advice has already been given by the previous posters.
I hope you take your girlfriend out and that you can both have a fun carefree day without thinking of poker.
All the best, I hope you can get things sorted out.
 
If you ever do win more money with poker.. maybe £1000+... just do something with it, Just do something exciting like skydiving, or go on a day out testing out Lamborghini's

I know it's really really fucking difficult to say " well... ive won enough for today... time to pack it up for now "... because if your winning you don't want to stop, and if you loose a little you want to win it back

Just do something with your girlfriend that you can both really enjoy.. I can recommend skydiving because that is fucking great! :D, not cheap... but worth it tbh, do it before the real winter kicks in :p

Oww... and Happy Birthday man!
 
Bare_head said:
Goals to set, ban myself from other poker sites, play solely under mtt's, join the gym when i next get in profit, taper on the etizolam
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Happy birthday! Definitely set some goals. Although if you don't have the cash for the gym right now, get outside and go for a walk instead. And remember that 26 is still very young and you have lots of time to turn things around. I agree with SHM that seeing an addiction specialist is a good idea. :)

Bare_head said:
Im really a bit messed up at the moment, woke up at 6am aint even got my gf a present, shes sat asleep in bed behind me as i write this, i got 100 quid on me, i guess going down to the florists be a nice gesture, and maybe a top from topshop or something? she would like that right? strange we share the same birthday i know. or should i just use this £100 on doing something with her, taking my day off poker,,, hmmmmm :/
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Get her a nice bunch of flowers and then spend the day together.
 
Hi barehead, pretty cool your ability with cards you just gotta hold the bread once you get it. Like "Hangover" said do something. My something would be invest when you have a shitload like $40,000 in your hand. The next morning go buy a nice vehicle even if you don't want it. You have something that you can't lose on the deck that night and you might like it. Drive through that tunnel to France with your gf. You seem to be able to make a start on the table with a little so buy a Jag not a Rolls and have 5-10 grand to start your next game.
 
^ You can defiantly get some good cars for £5000 - £20,000, was looking at some yesterday.... Can get some pretty good cars for £4000... but then comes the insurance :/ lol
 
Gambling addicts cannot be pro poker players. It's that simple.

Either you learn how to control your urges to gamble or stop playing poker.

For over a year I made a full time living from casinos and sports betting by abusing sign up bonuses and doing risk free bets (made so much that after that year of living in the UK I traveled South America for 6 months and spent £10,000 just on that trip)

I like to gamble and there were occasions when I was drunk or feeling lucky / stupid. One night I lost £2,500 in about 30 seconds on a really good daily bonus because I didn't stick with the perfect playing method and tried to 'get lucky'.

Feeling pissed off the next I did it again and went for broke...lost another £2.5k..

After that it was enough for me to stop with the gambling shit and stick to what worked and made me money. There was no more gambling after that I couldn't stand for my bankroll to drop any lower.

If you cannot stop even after loosing all that money then you simply cannot play and should quit and seek addiction help.
 
Good luck getting off the etiz BH, I found them pretty brutal with just a handful a week habit. As Dylan said "i can make it through, you can make it too" :)
 
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