steewith2ees
Bluelight Crew
sorry folks, ive been concious of this date coming for a long time now and need to vent, if only for my own posterity.
id started to replace benzodiazepines with heroin about 14/15 months prior to this as my primary hangover 'cure' for all the whizz and pills id been doing at raves and clubs, dancing being my weekend activity of choice since i lstarted going out circa 1995.
although i was still going out most weeks, following a series of serious calamities, personal problems and heartbreaks, my heroin use had started to escalate (as it does) from my weekend warrior sessions to daily use, at AND following work. of course, as i was loaded and still nursing at the time id never beeen without gear, weed or clonazepam since the situation had started getting out of control, so i decided a clear headed weekend was in order and headed over to shrewsbury to spend the weekend with my friend, making a concious effort not to bring any heroin with me and leaving a 30 mile gap between my dealers and i.
after a quiet night in getting my arse kicked on timesplitters 2 i retired to bed, with more of the same planned for the next 48 hours....
saturday morning, nov. 20th 2004 - i remember the date as id turned down an otherwise well anticipated evening with ltj bukem to accommodate my 'quiet one' and i knew something was wrong the second id opened my eyes about 5am. i felt absolutely awful, and despite a couple of bongs and 4mg of rivotril i still didnt settle in the slightest, and 90 minutes later i was stuck in a fit of yawning, aching all over, pints of water streaming from my eyes. when i disturbed my friend at 7am i didnt even have to explain myself, hed obviously seen this day coming longer than i had, instantly letting me off the hook. "look" he says "go and get some gear, you obviously need it, and have a think about getting some help before work catches on"
20minutes later im bombing eastward on the M54 back towards Wolverhampton, and im already feeling a tiny bit better, knowing that im on the yellow brick road, with a bag of gold waiting for me at the end of the rainbow. showed me straight away how much of this shit is in ones head, as ive subsequently felt many bad rattles ease a little in severity once ive aquired the means to score.
so here i am, 10 years down the line, as a qualified nurse with an existing obsession with drugs ive always seen myself as having NO excuse for ending up in this position - yes i was young and fairly bonkers but why did i ever think i could keep ontop of a drug well known the world over for the addiction and damage that it causes. arrogance, pure arrogance.
i may not have the longest habit (10 years today
wheyhey!) or the riskiest (i rarely inject) but despite an NMC striking off, a reinvention of myself in a new career, a 5 year romance and multiple relapses and cleanups, im back at square one. Over the last 6 months ive managed to reduce my heroin intake 7 fold, but at the cost of having to put the liquid handcuffs on, something i tried to avoid desperately since that life changing saturday morning.
Dont do it kids! Happy fucking birthday you stupid selfish cunt.
sorry for such a long and boring post, im sure alot of you have heard something similar before.
id started to replace benzodiazepines with heroin about 14/15 months prior to this as my primary hangover 'cure' for all the whizz and pills id been doing at raves and clubs, dancing being my weekend activity of choice since i lstarted going out circa 1995.
although i was still going out most weeks, following a series of serious calamities, personal problems and heartbreaks, my heroin use had started to escalate (as it does) from my weekend warrior sessions to daily use, at AND following work. of course, as i was loaded and still nursing at the time id never beeen without gear, weed or clonazepam since the situation had started getting out of control, so i decided a clear headed weekend was in order and headed over to shrewsbury to spend the weekend with my friend, making a concious effort not to bring any heroin with me and leaving a 30 mile gap between my dealers and i.
after a quiet night in getting my arse kicked on timesplitters 2 i retired to bed, with more of the same planned for the next 48 hours....
saturday morning, nov. 20th 2004 - i remember the date as id turned down an otherwise well anticipated evening with ltj bukem to accommodate my 'quiet one' and i knew something was wrong the second id opened my eyes about 5am. i felt absolutely awful, and despite a couple of bongs and 4mg of rivotril i still didnt settle in the slightest, and 90 minutes later i was stuck in a fit of yawning, aching all over, pints of water streaming from my eyes. when i disturbed my friend at 7am i didnt even have to explain myself, hed obviously seen this day coming longer than i had, instantly letting me off the hook. "look" he says "go and get some gear, you obviously need it, and have a think about getting some help before work catches on"
20minutes later im bombing eastward on the M54 back towards Wolverhampton, and im already feeling a tiny bit better, knowing that im on the yellow brick road, with a bag of gold waiting for me at the end of the rainbow. showed me straight away how much of this shit is in ones head, as ive subsequently felt many bad rattles ease a little in severity once ive aquired the means to score.
so here i am, 10 years down the line, as a qualified nurse with an existing obsession with drugs ive always seen myself as having NO excuse for ending up in this position - yes i was young and fairly bonkers but why did i ever think i could keep ontop of a drug well known the world over for the addiction and damage that it causes. arrogance, pure arrogance.
i may not have the longest habit (10 years today
wheyhey!) or the riskiest (i rarely inject) but despite an NMC striking off, a reinvention of myself in a new career, a 5 year romance and multiple relapses and cleanups, im back at square one. Over the last 6 months ive managed to reduce my heroin intake 7 fold, but at the cost of having to put the liquid handcuffs on, something i tried to avoid desperately since that life changing saturday morning.Dont do it kids! Happy fucking birthday you stupid selfish cunt.
sorry for such a long and boring post, im sure alot of you have heard something similar before.
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Im feeling much better for it to.. Probably won't be saying the same thing next week but its gotta hurt at some point hasnt it...