"Happiness in Self Destruction"

[ElegiesOfDeath]

Why? What is the twisted process that goes on somewhere in my head that makes this true?

My entire life is almost quite literally one self-inflicted failure after another.

My current situation. My sleazebag dealer sells me "molly" that I know right away is meth. "You don't want to do that. That is the WRONG choice here. Nothing good will come of this". That is what my mind is telling me as I hand him his cash. "Ok. So I have 6 grams of meth. That's not really that bad. Youve always secretly wondered..." I quickly go to my works bathroom and do what I've done before. Bust a line. "Who knows, maybe it actually is molly" as an unfamiliar burn hurts so amazingly...

And as soon as the first line hit my nose, I KNEW I was going to binge. I even binged on molly, which is pretry lame. My nose was not recovered from the loads of molly I did the week before. Oh well.it's amazing what goes on in my mind during this. Telling me to stop. But I become... automated.

Line. (Aren't you on probation?) Line. *getting the blood out of my nose* Line. (You work tomorrow) Line. (You haven't eaten in 3 days) Line. Line. Line.

The crash hits. I lie on my bed trying to sip water. Sobbing my eyes out. Hating, regretting every second, until I fall into short sleep. Waking up and feeling... ok actually. "Well, since I feel ok, I might as well do another..." somehow I actually forget what happened just hours before.

Over and over again.

And now I'm here, some where between crashing, and sleep deprivded insanity. Knowing in my entire bring, that no matter what I do, im doing a line in the next hour.

I'm internally saying "no, there's so many reasons to just hold off..." , but I'm externally saying "another 12 hours can't hurt"

Why? Why?

How can I regret something I haven't even done yet?
What part of my head finds relief in self destruction?
How do I fight that? Because I can't fight it. And time and time again has shown that even when it's life or death, I still can't fight it. And one day it WILL very the death of me. Whether I'm pulling the trigger, or whether I'm lying in my own puke, dying, only no one saves me this time

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

I think most if not all have self destructive tendencies. I certainly do. If you can remember that it's part of the human condition you won't need to blame yourself. Your only worthwhile task is to accept yourself the way you are. And as to death, well even if you did everything right you'd still end up there. That's the human condition too.

I wish you all the best in whatever choices you make.

 

[Moreaux]

I mean this with the utmost respect, you have to get a hold of yourself if you want to not self destruct. I've been in your position, and understand where you're coming from. At some point you just have to stop the cycle and walk away from it. Easier said than done, I know. I suspect it will be easier for you to do when the consequences get more painful, at least that's how it was for me. You may be dealing with painful consequences now, but eventually they get to a level that is intolerable, and then it's easier to stop an action you know will have negative consequences. I hope this doesn't sound trite because I have been there, only my destruction was alcohol. If I think of anything more tangible that helps I will post. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's a rough place to be in.

 

[CosmicG]

Reading this felt like reading my own story. My desire for self-destruction stemmed from the hatred I had towards myself. I didn't make that connection until one day a close friend of mine who I eventually ended up pushing away with my insanity told me that they did not understand why I hated myself so much. Before hearing this I thought that I just really liked pushing things to the limit. Go big or go home. I'm just hardcore and live life on the edge...Right.

I didn't care whether I lived or died either, at least I didn't think I did. Not in that moment. Why should I? Without this I am nothing. Living this way has brought me to a very dark place. It took me developing pancreatitis and having to be hospitalized for a week with severe pain to realize that you know what...I am afraid of death. I don't want to die before even getting the chance to live. I was meant for more then this. Drugs and alcohol make us forget all of that.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

Cosmic, your words ring true. Self hatred is common. Not naturally but by nurture imo. Improper nurture in family and culture. It's a hard road this life. I also appreciate your honesty about fear of death. I believe it's a common denominator whether conscious or unconscious. At least for the vast majority of us.

 

[ElegiesOfDeath]

Self hated had been apart of me since I was 14. I used to cut. Several suicide attempts. Hospitalized once for OD. Robbed because i was to drunk to do anything. DUI, jail.

The best I can explain my usage...

Have you ever been sad, and listened to a sad song? It feels like someone, anyone understands. That's how I feel with usage. It's there, it comforts me. It's always been there when I had no where to turn. It may put me in a miserable state, but it understands...

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

I totally understand that. When our environment lets us down we will find our survival elsewhere. No other animal deals with these kinds of problems. I'd rather be a vulture or a coyote.

 

[Turk82]

It truly is a sickness, I've been through full on cold turkey withdrawl more times than I can count and everytime I tell myself it's the last time but it never is. It's almost like I enjoy the suffering that comes with withdrawl or maybe i'm just good at forgetting how horrible it actually was until i'm in it again. I often wonder why I can't just stay high forever, I feel like a better person when i'm high a more productive person. I don't understand how other people live life happy and sober, it doesn't make sense to me. Like you said Happiness in self destruction.