had a seizure last night

[infantannihilator]

I posted about my incredible IV cocaine addiction that I've finally come to terms with. I'm fucking addicted but I think last night was probably the last straw. I've been getting super high heat/quality cocaine for a little over a week now, and my problem has gotten worse. This coke is about as pure as it gets unless you're in peru or colombia making it yourself, dissolves almost instantly, slight yellow tinge.. Prior to cquiring this good stuff I started buying and using crack instead since there was less cut - with the quantities I've been injecting, Id lose a lot to the insoluable cut that would hold liquid I couldn't squeeze out - when youve got a 50 unit shot, those 10+ units tied up in shit are 20% of your high, fuck that.

So anyway I've been banging .2's to start my night. The other night I almost overdid it, had the most overwhelming high to date, I realized that had to have been .275 or so because it was near the end of the night and I know I can handle .250

Well fast forward to last night and.. I don't remember what happened. I vaguely remember pushing in the last 10 units and already thinking this has hit me like a ton of bricks, it was like I barely got the needle out before I couldnt function.

So I come to, sitting back on my bed, with dislocated right arm, smashed and bloodied left arm, and a hole I bit through my lower lip.. and I was setting up for the next shot. and I did. I did IV cocaine for 2 more hours with a dislocated shoulder. I didnt vomit to my knowledge butmy room was a mess and a pile of clothes was soaking wet..

In addition to this crazness, I am late on rent and I had to skip work today and didnt get paid - tomorrow is a holiday so my work is closed.

I want to say this is the turning point, but deep down I know the cocaine demon on my back will start to convince me in a few days

Sorry I just had to share this with someone

 

[herbavore]

Well, I'm glad that you did choose to share it. I realize that you are in that place where death is only scary in the abstract and not in the moment of craving so I won't even go there. I just want to ask you practical questions like whether you have any options for treatment? Who do you have in your life that could support you to get help? My brother was a coke/crack addict for almost 20 years. It can be done but you need support.

 

[infantannihilator]

Not much man. Not to get into a load of details, but I tried to "kill myself" last november, but really it was just I decided to go ham shooting drugs for t he first time. Threw caution to the wind, didnt care if I odd or lost a limb whatever. Childsplay in hindsight. Anyway that as on the day I was evicted and I spent the winter homeless in a homeless shelter after that. My own mom woulnd't let me stay at their place for even a few weeks. Shes supportive.. to an extent.. but ya. My main supports come from 3rd parties right now.

Quite frankly I think this was a bit of a turning point for me. Not only did I spend my rent money, I missed two days of work, missed getting paid (Im owed money still), pissed my boss off, and I fucked myself up badly. Its all truly not worth it. I cant say Ill never do IV coke again but the last 3 months have been a nightmare to the nth degree.

Not to shit on anyone or any of these resources but I truly believe that to stop something it is all on you as a person. you have to want to, no one can make you, no amount of support is going to change the fact that you have to want it.

truth be told.. deep down, I still don't want it. I know thats the cocaine talking.

Its always like that. I end my session and night, look at the lumps and bumps on my arm, think about the money I just blew, then sit there depressed til I fall asleep.
Then the next day I look at the lumps and bumps on my arm and I think "hey theyre pretty much all gone, I guess my technique is better than I thought, my veins could handle more!" It really is vicious.

On the real though, I live alone, I like ot think I'm pretty alone in this world too.

 

[herbavore]

I totally agree with you that it has to be you that wants it and not only wants it but dredges up some little spark of hope that says it is attainable. Most people kill themselves with hopelessness. The desire is there but the faith that it can be done is not. Well, you sound honest with yourself and that is a positive thing. Any time you need to talk to someone, I'm a PM away.

 

[simco]

that is some scary shit. totally understandable that you're upset. like herbavore said, it's probably crucial (if you want to make a change) to get some kind of support. this shit is hard, and i believe most of us can't do it alone. i'm not a huge fan of NA, but would you be open hitting one of their meetings? there you'd be apt to find people who A) know what you're going through and B) won't judge you for going through it and C) want to help you.

good luck. keep us posted.
-Sim