Had A Pistol Pointed At My Head Yeasterday Eve.... Am I Ready To Go?

[PtahTek]

Yeah... was mindin' my business going to pick up a milkshake and thugs tried to run me off the road. I am on two wheels so I quickly pulled off the road and so did they.
I got off the bike and prepared for a fight....
One jumps out the car and points the pistol at my head and asked me if I am ready... my reply was "Sure, if you must". For 5 seconds we looked in each others eyes and one of the guys in the car called out, "That ain't him, bruh" and dude walks away and they drive off. Wasn't carrying a phone or firearm....
I thought of how he coulda been disarmed, knocked out or disabled as soon as he got out the car with the pistol. I did nothing but stand there and wait on the blast... I was calm, cool with very little anxiety... basically ready to leave (accept what was coming and move on). I have been at receiving end of many a projectile decades ago and maybe that helped
Was gonna post about it yesterday but wanted to give it time to let any suppressed emotions to surface... feel the same but a little un-nerved but all seems well emotionally so far.
Only other thing I thought about was my SO... she would be taken care of and have insurance to help her out. Cool... she wont be in a bind.
If I see him again somewhere my plan is to jump on his back and choke him out... take his pistol and possibly shoot him in his foot.
Thanks for reading: Just needed to get that out.
Please be careful and tell your peeps you love them daily and give hugs.
Bout to eat some xanax and take some kratom.
Hoping that this incident doesn't bring anymore BS on top of what I been dealing with for ~25-26 years.
Edit: Guess I am prepared to go... that is comforting.

 

[Mafioso]

I think most of us like to believe we know how we would react in situations like that... watching movies, silently judging the characters as to how we would have performed better in stressful situations, even life threatening situations.

Truth is, there is often only one way to really find out with things like this.

Not many would have carried themselves the way that you did, some may call it brave, some may call it stupid, but either way, you learned something about yourself. Hopefully you can use it to your advantage.

And don't be embarrassed or afraid to talk about any potentially delayed trauma. I know for myself these types of things leave me feeling unphased, but emotionally I know things are no longer the same, if that makes sense...

 

[PtahTek]

OK. Everything posted makes sense.
It has been in the forethoughts throughout the day. Assessing and reassessing constantly... which is a habit anyway. Had 250mg lyrica and slept all day and night. Didn't want to grab the xannies (just got off ha) and didn't. Had 1mg today and 75mg lyrica along with the kratom. Wanna eat a few more mg of alp but not gonna. Appetite is fucked ATM.
If things turn south this will be updated.
Thanks for the input/response.
Hahaha @ the folloing....

 

[swilow]

Thats crazily intense, ptah! I hope you're okay... ?

 

[Quickfixgrrl]

The fight or flight reaction is instinctual and remaining "calm" in a life threatening situation is not uncommon.. however, you were more than likely flooded with adrenalin and in a state of shock.
I'm sorry you had to experience this and hope you're ok. It's definitely something that could trigger you emotionally in the months to come.
Don't forget, you're here, you're alive.
Stay strong.

 

[PtahTek]

Love that movie, man. Just too fuckin' much.
Gonna watch it... have to. Keep me from eating candy.
Thanks and love and best wishes to you and yours... everyfuckinbody.

... however, you were more than likely flooded with adrenalin and in a state of shock.
I'm sorry you had to experience this and hope you're ok. It's definitely something that could trigger you emotionally in the months to come.
Don't forget, you're here, you're alive.
Stay strong.

Just the opposite: Cool, calm and accepting. Seeing and brushing death many times in differing circumstances can be freeing (but I am not condoning any of this). Actually I wouldn't mind leaving... not gonna commit suicide, though. I mostly love life but we all gonna take that ride. Didn't expect to live past 30 and here I am in my 50s. Doesn't look like my job here is done.
Thank you all.
Not going anywhere....
One

 

[Mafioso]

Ptah, having done electrical work myself for nearly a decade and judging by your avatar, death, and the very real possibility of it, I imagine this might not have been the scariest situation of your life, by comparison.

I've been diagnosed with PTSD, but haven't done anything about it besides normal recovery stuff. I'd say just be aware of how it affects your thinking, and just be accepting of your emotions if they pop up out of no where. Having emotions doesn't make you weak, trying to deny that you do does. Honestly, I kind of love those types of situations in a weird way, which is why skydiving is one of my hobbies. Also part of why I love the drug culture.

 

[sonicwhite]

Take me to My Father would be my words.

 

[Painful One]

Ptah, having done electrical work myself for nearly a decade and judging by your avatar, death, and the very real possibility of it, I imagine this might not have been the scariest situation of your life, by comparison.

I've been diagnosed with PTSD, but haven't done anything about it besides normal recovery stuff. I'd say just be aware of how it affects your thinking, and just be accepting of your emotions if they pop up out of no where. Having emotions doesn't make you weak, trying to deny that you do does. Honestly, I kind of love those types of situations in a weird way, which is why skydiving is one of my hobbies. Also part of why I love the drug culture.

^^^THIS

I love those types of situations in a weird way too. Lol! I’m glad I am not the only one Mafioso.
I have found that I stay calm, cool, collected, thinking and on my toes and I did learn something about myself from that.

However, I do find that later on, after it is over, that my body will have a reaction to that kind of stress.
Delayed stress response or something.

PtahTek, I am sorry that happened to you. Take it easy on yourself for a few days. Let anything come out that surfaces.
Better out than in for sure. Don’t hold in your emotions and bottle them up, as you know, that is no good.
I sure am glad you are safe. You are safe. No worries.

 

[GodComplex]

This is why I carry multiple knives and sometimes a gas firearm. Multiple hidden knives of various sizes are my main weapon of choice. The opiate crisis and the crime are my reasons. You did everything you could and you were smart about it.

 

[PtahTek]

Hey I really do appreciate the empathy, sympathy, inspiration, comments and look-out.
This is by far not the most disturbing event throughout the years but was worried that it may trigger other shit... and it may or may not. IDK....
I do walk on high-steel when needed and the only danger comes when one is careless or disrespects the steels spirit. Since a teen I welded and somehow was blessed with the ability to defy fear/danger and put the big erector-set together. Seen many a mishap... fingers chopped in a pinch-point, legs mangled and other such foolishness but never seen anyone die from working iron... been on a site that someone fell to their death but it was probably 1/4 mile away... shut down for the day.
I was wondering when I posted if this deserved to be in the DS as I wasn't sure if acceptance of death was in fact dark or light.... Still don't. The experience did bring death in a bit more focus/perspective and feel good about not being scared to cross that bridge but may embrace it. Maybe dark and light? IDFK.
Work went well today; although my demeanour may have been a bit more manic than usual. Didn't change anything with dosage of daily substances. Seemed a bit edgy/shortness of breath like adrenaline but my core isn't "burning" > for lack of a better word. Maybe it was knowing I had a pocket full of xannies and wouldn't take 'em for general principal? May take .25 or .5 tonight.
Maybe it's just that this "energy" is coming from being alive... I mean; honestly, things were getting a bit mundane and routine... haha oh, yeah... forgot ii like it that way.
So far so good... handling it in mind/body/spirit.

Take me to My Father would be my words.

It was fathers day.... damn... mind wasn't quite in the jocular but that woulda been sweet.

Imma browse around and look for pete...
hope all have a great evening and love always
one

 

[PtahTek]

mania a little more pronounced this morn at work.
slight tremors and shit... MF didn't prep onoins and peppers last night? WTF? Fu** this shit what the hell was he doing all night with thumb up ass? Not normal as I really never gave it a thought because it's just another day.
Knew within 5 minutes of walking in the door it was time for .5mg xan. still at work but all the edges have smoothed out.
Shouldnt be in public anyway. lol
What a bonus for the rest of the world.

Edit: Sleep was not quite sleep last nigh... slightest sound and adrenaline. Never really slept as I can remember being in that stage where one is aware of being "asleep" but not. Hard to describe....

 

[PtahTek]

Things may be getting worse....
Gonna leave the post for a minute or two and reassess for a while.
Will post again when I get it sorted.
Much love, all.
Saw the new *stuff here so may try a blog about it but it may dig up a bunch of shit....

 

[PtahTek]

Hey Mods, Owners, admins etc....
could we delete this post or archive it... may have to refer back to it.
I wanna start a blog and get this shit out. \this thread may not be the right place (or is it) to put my thoughts and emotions (issues).
man i am starting to get that combat mode feeling but and had it before i got the blow.
crazy shit happened today and need to process and make sense of it before :talking about it".
cant fu**ing wait for tomorrow....

 

[PtahTek]

maybe this is the right place as it is getting darker by the day.
shaking, angry and tears....
not WDs as i have plenty of shit on hand.
much love
be back inna while, fam. not working today.
one

 

[Drifting_Away]

Hang in there brother. I as well have faced death and dangerous situations more times than I can count. My younger years were filled with violence and conflict. I am a white kid from the suburbs but have found myself in VERY fucked up situations ie. being shot at and shooting back. Being stabbed in the stomach ect. Death was and is something I’ve never feared. I somehow sorted my shit out for a long while. Only after my recent relapse have I been thinking back 15 or so years to what I used to be. Thinking that I may have some sort of repressed PTSD? To think that hasn’t had some long lasting impact on me would be foolish. I don’t know if you have ever seeked one on one therapy. But it does help. I am here for you. I understand more about how you are feeling than you would know. I just urge you to please take it easy on the Benzos. That’s a hole I thankfully have never been in but know what kind of fucked up he’ll it can be.

 

[PtahTek]

yeah the benzos aren't working so i put them away.
lyrica is keeping me calm enough to assess and focus.
we all have been through the wringer just some more so than others. i am fucked ATM but will make it through this.
I have been to counseling as a pre-teen and after serbia... everything is OK just take this as needed. been through the benzo withdrawals and keep usage to a minimum to prevent. fuckin shit can cause more harm than good but htey for short term i gotta script from decades ago... lol cant even remember what they first gave me but wasnt xanax.... damn holes in memory prolly from benzos.
Thanks for your post. Imma re-read through everthing posted here as I know there are keys to free me from these chains.

 

[wizardknight17]

Hey ptah. Sounds like you're going through some shit right now. I had intended on just lurking for now but as there probably isn't too many people with this experience I'm going to take the time to respond. Please keep in mind some of this could be triggering depending on what type of person you are. That being said...

I've had a gun held to my head twice in my life with a 3rd possibly but I was tripping so hard I don't know what was real and what was hallucinations that time so I'm only counting two.

1. The first time I was 20 years old at work (restaurant) when 2 guys in masks came in with a 3rd person outside in a getaway vehicle. They came in and yelled "everyone get the fuck down!" And as I am hearing impaired I didn't understand what was going on and the first thing I did was stand up from my crouched down position and look directly at one of them who then pointed the gun at me and said "I said get the fuck down!!!" But I was completely calm. I didn't care if he pulled the trigger at all. I was ready to be done with everything. I had felt that way since 11 years old but at the same time I really just got an odd feeling like the gun wasn't loaded. In a weird split second I realized that I kind of just didn't care what the outcome was. It wasn't so much that i WANTED to die (although i did want to) but it was more about accepting death, accepting whatever outcome. I logically thought my way through it and came to the conclusion that 1 of 2 things was about to happen. Either I don't die now, in which case everything works out well here or they shoot me, I die, and I don't know that I'm dead because well... I'm dead. We all die. And if it's now I won't know. The only thing that sucks is the other people still alive that have to deal with your death and I've always been a bit of a selfish asshole so.... ?
(Zero drugs or alcohol in my system at the time)

Anyway. After writing all that I feel the second time might just take away from what I already wrote so brief summary. A few years later with various drugs and alcohol it happened again. It didn't feel different than the first time except for me caring even less that time and knowing the gun was loaded. Not sure if that was just my attitude or the drugs/alcohol ?‍

Take away from that what you will. But I think personally a large part of it comes from accepting your death.

Many people love life and can't fathom how to leave. I've been waiting for 20 plus years.

 

[PtahTek]

Many people love life and can't fathom how to leave. I've been waiting for 20 plus years.

Yep. Ti's OK IMO. Mostly has to be... unfortunately/fortunately. How we deal with shit like this is key. Same that heals can kill. Water.
Don't know if you still in the "scene" or not but does it sometimes feel like there is impending doom that could happen at any moment (and has and can)? Looking for any bulges (not crotches ), look in peoples eyes seeking that "look" that may raise red flags? Get a little "pissed" when things get a little close? Shortness of breath in crowded situations?
If someone says something you misunderstand do you and wanna confront them (not assertively)?
Just asking as we all process differently. Looking for anything to help understand....
I hate it for ya, bro. I know it's part and parcel if one is in the business but when it comes to a MF almost dying to get a milkshake (no enemies except dumb drivers) shit has gone south too damn quick. Gonna take a second but have to adapt/overcome. Wont be caught without next fucking time.
The "good" day I had yesterday continued to today, thankfully.
Crazy how one stress can be negated by the drop in another stress....
I need to be here for now and it is not my time: After my responsibilities are fulfilled that may be a different story.
Keys.., the keys....

 

[PtahTek]

FU""ING ELECTRIC STARTER QUIT WORKING ON ME! TIME TO EAT ALL BENZOS FORTHWITH!!!!
nah JK about the benzos. got it narrowed down to the button. not gonna tear it down ATM but will put a temp bypass for now.
always sumpin'

Thinking that I may have some sort of repressed PTSD?

Not sure if this was supposed to be a question or comment... but PTSD is slung around loosely and is the umbrella term I loathe to speak/write/type as those who came up with it (IMO) haven't the slightest useful intention other than getting paid and/or making a name for themselves (self-promotion). Should I be speaking in the sense of we here? We created this mess or let it....
Uhhhh... errrr....
I opine that we have been traumatized since birth (or before for some, I suppose). It is a part of our formulation. Not sure I care for it much but know that we need it for survival. That gotta bring it to get it kinda shit, irl.
Wish all the answers to our dilemmas were readily available... but would that be too easy?
Knowing that "keys" are used somewhat here (and there are some about) in the craphillions of words written here and elsewhere, untold number of words spoken, thoughts thought, images imaged etc for there not to be some jewels to glean.
Answers/solutions are at hand... but to navigate through all the bullshit to get to that street of gold can be quite tasking.
Love, family.