Had a complete emotional breakdown

[malakaix]

So yesterday, i broke down into tears.

I was visiting my folks place after a big night out, i turned 21 a few days ago and they organized a get together with relatives and family in the afternoon. I was hungover and sobering up from an LSD trip, i couldn't help but feel so guilty.. the amount of effort they put into the cake and everyone coming to visit me, to me they didn't even know who i was, i felt like some 'pretend' persona putting on an act for family.

It was as if it was a celebration of all the years of lies and secrets, i had never felt so hollow in my entire life. I felt as though i didn't deserve any of this.. because i never earnt it through been 'me'.

I had to leave 25mins after getting there because i was on the brink of breaking down and confessing everything to them. I drove home and completley lost it, it felt like two lives i'd been living for the past 21 years collapsed in on itself, the fake me and the real me.

I eventually texted my mum, and for the first time in my life i told her i love her. I know it seems ridiculous but, it was truly one of the hardest things i've ever had to tell her. I went over there today, told her i love her and confessed everything to her. I told her that i can no longer pretend to hide my emotions or cover up things i've done, i want everyone to know the good and bad of me.. i no longer care what people think, i can't take the pain of living a pretend life.

This was a long time coming, and for the past 6 months i've been having extreme personality conflicts and mood swings, i suppose the events of everything just triggered it.

I still feel extremely unbalanced and mentally fragile, but it is possibly the biggest weight off my shoulders, and the root to all my depression and self-esteem issues, i can only hope it gets better from here.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Wow mate that is really admirable that you've told your mum everything. This is the beginning of the change you've been needing. I know it's really emotionally draining now and you probably don't feel much better yet, but you're doing the right thing.
What's your next step? How did you mum react?

I wish you all the best with this, and look forward to hearing your updates

 

[malakaix]

What's your next step? How did you mum react?

She took it well, apparently she knew of my drug use.. but i dont think to the extent that i told her. She was more concerned that i might of got caught with possession and have a criminal record.

My next step is limiting my drug use, and focusing on been 'me' in every situation.. not to be afraid of who i am, and to openly admit everything ive done and continue to do. I don't want to create another alternate fake personality through lies and shame.. it's just too hard.

 

[molly897]

when i moved out i pretty much ended up doing everything my mom accused me of ending up doing when i wasnt doing it (more drugs/ignore her/hate her). but she never knew. so the one time a month i saw her id feel just like you did and leave after 20 minutes and burst into tears because she has no idea. and you cant say anything. its really sad to think of everyday and blaming yourself sucks.

it really is like a fake persona. unfortunately i can't fake it and bail pretty quick. you kinda sound like me. i got diagnosed with borderline/panic/anxiety disorder after two yrs of living with it and 7 months of not living with it

 

[n3ophy7e]

My next step is limiting my drug use, and focusing on been 'me' in every situation.. not to be afraid of who i am, and to openly admit everything ive done and continue to do. I don't want to create another alternate fake personality through lies and shame.. it's just too hard.

That's great man, you should be proud of yourself for consciously choosing to make the changes you feel you need. It will be hard at first because you've been using the alternate persona for so long, but it will get easier with time. Good luck

 

[Jabberwocky]

I cherished these moments........Too bad my depression didn't agree though and I ended up fucking myself over again.

I never told my parents the full extent of my bad ways, that would simply kill them however telling my brother was as good as telling them.

 

[Bojangles69]

Yeh thats why I don't take LSD to be completely honest, and speed too. Opiates do it to but I find I'm much more stable (as long as I'm not in wds than I'm def prone to a break down) because I'm always on them.
But there was a time 2 years back when I was in wds and suicidal and broke down basically the same way but more dramatic. Screaming in front of my whole family whats wrong with them, why the are too stupid to realize I'm always on drugs etc etc. I said a lot of hurtful things but I did feel that figurative weight lift off my shoulders.

The problem is right after that experience I was in rehab and making desicions with my life to get clean FOR MY FAMILY. And all that does imo is delay an addiction. I stayed clean for a year FOR THEM than relapsed so I can actually get tired with it on my own accord. 2 years using on my own I've had many close break down moments like that, but I just always keep my mouth shut now. I will NOT get drunk with a single family member due to this, because in that state I'm liable to confess to anything. I honestly don't consider it my families business. I don't feel fake anymore as I've sorted a lot of things out in my head. And I'm slowly taking myself of drugs now for a month and a half which to be honest feels about 10 thousand times better than confessing to my family I'm hooked again.

And things don't "kill" parents like this. It makes them stronger believe it or not.
My mom is very weak emotionally and has never abused a drug in her ENTIRE LIFE. Not even pot, only drank once she claims and got very ill and never did it again.
Shes religous too and was an upstanding teacher for 40 years.

Than one day she found out her 17 year old son was running a large interstate drug operation manfacturing the drugs HIMSELF. If that didn't "kill her" its obvious to me now nothing will lol. And my intentions aren't to do that anyway. But parents are much stronger than you credit them for. Sometimes when you have no other resources you HAVE to tell them, but right now I feel like I'm on the right road without them so theres no point. I do believe a lot of drug users breakdown at some point in their lives and tell their parents this, but you can't really do it over and over or you'll look like a complete mess. Maybe thats the real reason I refuse to ask for thier help again.

 

[malakaix]

Thanks for the compliments n3o

And things don't "kill" parents like this. It makes them stronger believe it or not.
My mom is very weak emotionally and has never abused a drug in her ENTIRE LIFE. Not even pot, only drank once she claims and got very ill and never did it again.
Shes religous too and was an upstanding teacher for 40 years.

Yeah, my mum has never touched drugs, she tried cigarettes and alcohol and hated them. I think this contributed to my breakdown, the fact that she never did any of this.. made me feel all the more guilty for doing it.. and made me much more prone to lying about it, which after 4 years of lying i just couldn't handle it anymore.

I had no family or relatives of who i could confide in for those 4 years, only friends.

 

[brandy42]

Don't worry your're not alone. I've spent countless days eating and drinking.

I think there is a goodside somewhere.

 

[Bojangles69]

Thanks for the compliments n3o



Yeah, my mum has never touched drugs, she tried cigarettes and alcohol and hated them. I think this contributed to my breakdown, the fact that she never did any of this.. made me feel all the more guilty for doing it.. and made me much more prone to lying about it, which after 4 years of lying i just couldn't handle it anymore.

I had no family or relatives of who i could confide in for those 4 years, only friends.

SAME exact situation with me. Because my mother had never done anything I was always more prone to hiding it from her. My dad had smoked weed when he was younger and was more open about it but since my mom basically owned him (she wore the pants lol) I wound up always hiding it from both.

Untill of course the DEA came to our house with rifles, tear gas, a helicopter and ripped our door of the hinges tacking my father. At that point it was pretty obvious I was into something a little deeper than just using lol.

 

[Draigan]

Im lucky that my parents have always known just how bad I was. I couldn't hide that shit even if I wanted to I'm glad you been upfront man! The truth def does make us feel sooo much better. The web of lies really does get us nowhere... I hope you can use this experience and learn from it. I think it all comes down to truth, ultimately. Being true to ourselves, not just others.

 

[ocean]

mala- I'm sorry to hear this......
Have you looked into therapy? I know at one time we had talked about it but I can't recall what you thought of it.......It might be a good idea, especially with your recurring issues with identity.
Hopefully this is just from you coming down off your trip and your hangover.......
And it sounds like your family will be supportive and open to you in the future.....???
I hope things work out for you soon I'm always here if you need to talk

 

[unsettled]

I've never kept my drug use a secret from my family, it's always been pretty out in the open ever since I got caught smoking pot in high school. They know I like pills, they know I've been addicted to opiates, they know I've tried every drug I could get my hands on and been through various phases with various chemicals. Of course I've never done these things out in the open in front of my family, and I don't use drugs the way I used to. However my family has always been pretty open and I feel very fortunate for that, I've never felt like I needed to lead two lives. Obviously I don't tell them everything, who does?

At the moment they are just thrilled that I'm not drinking myself into oblivion every night and that I'm seeing a psychiatrist about my anxiety and depression issues. I always just try to be myself in all situations, obviously there is no need to disclose your drug use to just anyone and I always respect professional situations and behave appropriately (usually) in those situations.

I was reading a book of quotes by Keith Richards and he was talking about how he's never had anything to hide, he said there was no need for the press to go digging around his personal life to get personal details and dirt on him because he'd happily honestly answer any questions they had about him. I think that is an important point, be yourself, don't be ashamed, own your choices.

I can understand having a breakdown about all this stuff but I think as you get older and become more comfortable with yourself you hopefully find it easier to be yourself completely and unapologetically. Of course I could still have a nervous breakdown at any given moment, but that's beside the point and more related to stress and just the everyday struggle to survive and pay your bills and live your life in this crazy world.

 

[malakaix]

mala- I'm sorry to hear this......
Have you looked into therapy? I know at one time we had talked about it but I can't recall what you thought of it.......It might be a good idea, especially with your recurring issues with identity.
Hopefully this is just from you coming down off your trip and your hangover.......
And it sounds like your family will be supportive and open to you in the future.....???
I hope things work out for you soon I'm always here if you need to talk

Thankyou Ocean

I've always viewed therapy as a last resort, i suppose im stubborn in a way.. and truly believe i can take it all on myself, but i think this is proof that as strong as i see myself as.. everyone has a breaking point. I'm going to see how i go over the next few months.. having this weight lifted has felt amazing, and admitting everything to the closest people i have in my life i think is the beginning of what will hopefully continue to be a very 'open' life.. guilt free and confident with myself to be who i am, and have no shame through lying.

I was reading a book of quotes by Keith Richards and he was talking about how he's never had anything to hide, he said there was no need for the press to go digging around his personal life to get personal details and dirt on him because he'd happily honestly answer any questions they had about him. I think that is an important point, be yourself, don't be ashamed, own your choices.

I've always admired people of this type, because i know that what i see is what i get, they may come across as assholes at times.. but there entirely genuine and have nothing to hide, my housemate is like this.. and i've learn't alot from him in the past year.

I can understand having a breakdown about all this stuff but I think as you get older and become more comfortable with yourself you hopefully find it easier to be yourself completely and unapologetically.

I agree, i even remember a year ago i was feeling such a strong desire to just be open, to let go of it all.. it's only gotten stronger since and eventually lead to this breakdown, which as horrible as it was at the time i think was necessary now that i've had a few days to collect myself.