Glad your day is at least not the worst
How are you feeling?
Currently using, yes. Was hoping to start wd today so the worst/acute part would be approx Weds-Fri, avoiding the weekendwhen he's home drinking and either abusive or annoying.
But I wasn't able to finish everything, still have the rest of the groceries to get, some laundry, cleaning, and vacuuming to do. So that while I'm lying around pretending my period is just exceptionally bad (not a stretch, it's pretty painful), the house is clean, there's food prepared, and he has clean clothes. I guess when he got married, he was Men-In-Black'ed and had his memory wiped of how to cook, do laundry, and clean
So, tomorrow it begins. I feel pretty solid and good about this. I truly do know exactly what steps I need to take from here once I've quit.
It was a matter of, I don't know if courage is *exactly* correct.... Close certainly. I guess I've just become so, so, so, so worn down between health, him, other crap, and these severe tests of my survival, safety , finances, love, family, etc etc over so many years now. I've generally remained very optimistic, hopeful, determined even through hell, and have made some really monumental efforts to improve things, and have felt like my efforts have mostly been rewarded with more surreal hells. I guess everyone has their limit, no matter how generally positive you are. And his constant negativity, for me , was I guess the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.
Perhaps a bit of my perfectionism keeping me still at times, too, although I've gotten that under way better control than it used to be.
Just needed the courage to truly believe, that if I stopped, it *could* actually be worth it . That I *could* take steps to either work for myself, or file for disability and be approved (will begin seeing doctors again to build my Med records up while trying self employment, in case it doesn't pan out. I'd love to avoid being on disability but tbh if I can't find a way to work for myself, that's my only option at this point. Last job I had, I almost died from pneumonia, and was in so much pain a bundle a day of ECP wasn't covering it worth a crap).
I think I finally found my courage, my hope .
Interacting with him, it clicked for real that I seriously can't take this anymore. Plus, out will only get worse and harder if I continue to not face this head on.
I don't want me, or worse, my dog, to end up on the street, or to be separated from her because I couldn't get it together and get its a stable, peaceful little space to call our own. I love her so very, very much and though he's not cruel to her, I can't stomach it, that she's exposed to this tension.
Well that was certainly a lot more than I intended to write, sorry for the novel lol
I'm here for you, you know, if you'd like to share your story and struggles either here or via PMs.
I am going to succeed this time. I got this
The physical pain can't be worse than having no dignity and being treated like scum and feeling guilty that my sweet, loyal, loving dog who's not getting any younger doesn't have a peaceful home
I'm here for you. Whatever your struggles and goals are you can do it .
Be well. Be liberated. Sending you lots of love and strength
Xoxox
Edit: you asked has he always been this way. We dated as teens and I kid you not, NOT A SINGLE TIME can I recall him even being RUDE to me, let alone abusive. Reconnected years down the line, he sure went out of his way to trick me, as my jerk-in-disguise radar is generally pretty damn strong. Wow. I can't even believe how fooled I was. I was in a vulnerable state at that time which I'm sure contributed. But compared to how he used to be.... He's a stranger to me. It's like a switch flipped in him. Fueled by alcohol, I'm sure.
