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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

H Be Gone...

i care too - and im really pleased to hear how things have turned out
4 weeks - awesome
evry day clean is a miracle for an addict
its stories like this that put the light in the dark side :)
 
Good for you Pharm for quitting!I too am a recovering heroin addict so I know how hard the dope demon can be!Keep up the good work!Keep your head up man,walk forward and not backwards!If you ever need to talk,feel free to PM me dude!:)
 
Wow this is an old thread.. is pharm still around?

Give us an update boy! Hope things've turned around for you..
 
Wow been a while since I visited this thread. I've kind of avoided TDS since I wandered back here a month ago or so. Figured I'd update since I liked seeing updates of other people's threads, just to see how they're doing.

Been clean off dope ever since which is pretty amazing. That was the hardest part so far in my journey. Since then I've been having some rough times mentally, but at least I'm at a point now where I want to help myself out to the next step, which is something I never would have done while on h.

I ended up moving out to the west coast late last year, snagged myself a med card and went on the MMP (marijuana maintenance plan). Over the last few months I started to think and act the same way towards weed that I did towards dope. It look me a few months of denial to see it really. Not my beloved mary jane!

Last month or so I was already smoking like an quarter of weed and a half gm of hash a day almost. The difference was that I could still maintain my outward appearance without breaking down, like I did with heroin. I was also spending pennies compared to dope and I could have a generally normal outward appearance if I wanted to (compared to being on the nod whereever).

The bad part is that I ultimately just replaced dope for weed, albeit on a much smaller destructive scale. My card ran out last month and I haven't renewed it yet.

I'm fortunate enough these days to have a clear head and desire to help myself out. I've had extremely manic/depressive episodes since I stopped using dope 24/7. This is something I've had even before using any drugs, but somewhat managed to hide by simply being fucked up all the time. I've always thought I was bipolar but I've been to scared and embarrassed to talk to professional. In fact, before, I kind of saw it as a "disorder of endearment" since my favorite pastime was feeling sorry for myself and I had no desire to fix my head.

I've only looked at wikipedia but it does describe my feelings well. I have very rapid episodes of gut-wrenching depression alternating with animal-istic rage; sometimes flipping between the two multiple times a day. I just always have this overloaded sense of vengeance in my system or this horrible sense of despair. Sometimes I tell myself that I'm crazy and one of these days I'm going to wake up without my conscience and just been full-blown nuts. I kind of long for it because then my mind won't be so tortured. I just want to be slightly sedated for the rest of my life.

Wow, didn't expect to write those last 2 paragraphs but I guess you could call it a subtle cry for help. Not trying to discourage people who are just getting clean but, if anything, this should show that getting clean is only the first step in self-improvement.
 
Glad to hear your still clean. Always inspiring to see someone else get off heroin and was able to stay away from it.

Are you seeing anyone for counseling? There's got to be a conscious effort to work on sobriety and to work on your mental health. A lot of people use drugs like heroin to self-medicate. Getting therapy and finding healthy activities that help give you some peace and happiness are going to be key in continuing to stay clean. You've made it longer than I ever have though, so maybe I'm not the best for giving advice. It's been a long 5 years.
 
pharm said:
I've had extremely manic/depressive episodes since I stopped using dope 24/7. This is something I've had even before using any drugs, but somewhat managed to hide by simply being fucked up all the time. I've always thought I was bipolar but I've been to scared and embarrassed to talk to professional. In fact, before, I kind of saw it as a "disorder of endearment" since my favorite pastime was feeling sorry for myself and I had no desire to fix my head.

I've only looked at wikipedia but it does describe my feelings well. I have very rapid episodes of gut-wrenching depression alternating with animal-istic rage; sometimes flipping between the two multiple times a day. I just always have this overloaded sense of vengeance in my system or this horrible sense of despair. Sometimes I tell myself that I'm crazy and one of these days I'm going to wake up without my conscience and just been full-blown nuts. I kind of long for it because then my mind won't be so tortured. I just want to be slightly sedated for the rest of my life.

Wow, didn't expect to write those last 2 paragraphs but I guess you could call it a subtle cry for help. Not trying to discourage people who are just getting clean but, if anything, this should show that getting clean is only the first step in self-improvement.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the update pharm, it's awesome to hear that you're still off dope, good work man :)
But sorry to hear you're still struggling with other issues. Please don't be embarrassed or afraid to get professional help with your psychological problems. The brain/mind is an organ just like anything else in our body, it gets sick too, and it can be fixed. It's nothing to be ashamed about. Your first step should be to talk to your GP, and see what they offer you. They might refer you on to a therapist or psychiatrist. But start with your regular doctor.

Also, don't be afraid of waking up one day and just being full-blown nuts, that kinda stuff doesn't actually happen. You will be just fine. But you don't have to live like this, you can be happy. Good luck, and let us know how it goes <3
 
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