Update.
Well since I first authored this post I have relapsed about 5 different times. I am beginning to think that I truly cannot win this battle. Am I so weak? So worthless?
I told my girl (who is sill with me) that it's almost to the point of not even being about the drugs anymore. I just love being a piece of shit. I love playing the victim. I don't know what it is. Drugs are an extremely easy way to put myself in that bottom, horrible position that I love to wallow in. I keep telling myself that I am worthless and that I don't deserve a good life.
I have always wrestled with the idea that my being adopted has seriously fucked with my head. Someone in a AA meeting I attend (I mostly try to hit NA) spoke about feelings of worthlessness because of being adopted. I have always told myself and others that being adopted is a non-issue, but maybe it isn't. I never knew the story of why I was put up for adoption, but I think there's this underlying feeling of abandonment and worthlessness because of the mystery surrounding the circumstances of my adoption.
It's almost like I love pushing people away from me preemptively before they have a a chance to reject me for some unlikely reason. I say things that push away my girl even though, deep inside I am screaming at myself to NOT say these words. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy, so I put myself in situations that I can guarantee failure for myself. Then I can wallow in self-pity and give myself justification for using again.
A long time ago I used to romanticize about my heroin addiction. Reading books like Junky by Burroughs, Trainspotting my Welsh, Requiem for a Dream by Selby Jr fueled my obsession of being a person of the underground. I finally was able to "fit-in" with my other Junky use-buddies. I felt just too fucking cool for school. Especially since I cannot really drink alcohol. I wore my opiate tolerance like a medal around my neck. Sure I can't do a keg-stand, but watch me bang a gram of dope without blinking. Fuck you frat boy, I can't drink more than 2 beers without puking, but I can fucking blow a line of K the size of this table asshole.
After a while, however, the cool-scene turned real. Real fucking ugly. There is nothing pop, nothing sheik, nothing honorable about laying in my bathroom floor laying in a pool of my own vomit, piss and feces. There's nothing even remotely edgy about shaking at work until I eventually just leave in the middle of the day to drive up and meet my dealer. Nobody will think your cool when you can't even make it to a Dunkin Donuts or Exxon station to use their bathrooms as a shooting gallery. Instead, pulling over on the side of the road immediately after copping to blast-off as soon as humanly possible.
I am currently going through withdrawals for about the 6th time since my first post in March and I'm quickly running out of time. I'm running out of time with my girlfriend, who I love so fucking much, a girl I want to grow old with. I'm running out of time with my job, constantly not showing up, being completely immobilized to my bed, too lethargic, too dopesick to even get up and take a piss.
I still attend as many AA/NA meetings as I can, they truly help. I'll admit that I have gone to many a meeting high, but I'm still going right? It is so cathartic to spew my guts to a room of strangers, but who all share similar stories of addiction. I finally kinda, somewhat, in a round-about way tried to ask a person to be a temporary sponsor for me. I need someone who I can call that isn't a friend I've known forever, or someone like my girl, who is compassionate as hell, but who lacks the first-hand experience of being a heroin junky.
All in all, I am starting to gain a positive outlook on my soon to be sober life. My boy came by today who I love as much as a brother. There are only a very few number of friends like that who I can consider to be closer than family. He told me that he loves me and will always sick by my side to see me get well. I ma truly a lucky person to have such a friend.
Speaking of lucky, I took a long thought-process today to think about all of the things in my life that I have taken for granted over the last year of so of my addiction:
* My girlfriend. My girl is an amazing person. Incredibly intelligent and has such a good life ahead of her I constantly tell myself, and now her, that she deserves someone so much better than myself. Somehow she disagrees and tells me that I am the only person she loves and she still wants to stay with me even after all of the lies and all of the drug use. I don't want to lose her, but I continually choose drugs over her and it seriously breaks my fucking heart.
* My parents. Since I dropped out of UMass Amherst back in 02 I have been living at my parents house ever since. I graduated from another school since then and they are very proud of me. Since I started using heroin, however, (started around summer 06) I have done nothing but lie to them and at the very end I ended up trying to steal from them. Stealing from my parents is something I would have never done to them prior to my heroin addiction. I have demolished the trust I had with them and it's going to take a very long time to win them back.
* Myself. Ever since I forced myself to enter a detox in-patient program back at the end of February I have continually failed myself over and over and over again. Seriously, what the FUCK is wrong with me? Why can't I just STOP USING. I am about to cry writing this. I am so tired of feeling like this. I am so tired of wanting things to go back "like they used to be". I was about to type I am a failure and not worth saving. But that's what the old Sean would want to say. He could easily then just feel sorry for himself and continue to use and use and use.
I read this quote from another Bluelighter on this site about heroin:
Heroin embodies all of the souls that have perished before it, alone in the most desolate, hopeless situations imaginable.
For me right now, truer words have never been spoken about heroin addiction. There is nothing romantic, cool about what I have been going through. I wish people who haven't used a drug before could feel what I am going through. I know that I have brought this upon myself, and it is only myself who can make things right.
Well I don't know what else to say. I just wanted to update my story in case anyone at all wanted to know. I am truly blessed to have such close and supportive family and friends. Without them I would probably be homeless, in jail, or dead.
