Well it's 4:28am and I'm up and at my laptop wide awake. I just took about 300mg of worthless trazadone and about 1200mg of gabapentin to try and sleep but it's not gonna do any good.
My girl is in my bed asleep. I'm amazed she's still with me through all this.
I'm Sean and I'm a heroin addict (NA: "Hi Sean!")
About 6 weeks ago I totaled my car while making a dope run. I was way to tired and w/d'ing hardcore. Flipped my shit about 5 times (or so some dude who witnessed it says) and somehow came out alive. I broke 13 ribs.
During my hospital stay they gave me a dilaudid drip PCA (oh yes) and I was twisting the tube and giving myself triple or quadruple doses at a time. During the night my bp and heart monitors kept going off, most likely because I was on the verge of OD'ing.
After moving me out of the ICU and into a lesser room I was given a 50 ug/hr fentanyl patch (yes!!). I was also given 2 5mg oxys every 4 hrs. I still wasn't feeling the high, however. My true addiction kicked in and I called my boy and he delivered me 3 bags of dope and a fresh pin. I banged a bag right in my hospital bed and hid the needle under my blanket. After 3 more days I ripped off my patch and asked for a new one. They gave me a 100 ug/hr fentanyl patch as a replacement (oh my!).
I got home with a doggy bag of 30 5mg hydrocodone pills. I immediately ate about 6 of these and called my friendly dealer to deliver 6 bags. During this week I could barely get out of bed. I was in an almost constant nod for a week eating pills and banging away at the dope.
After my pills ran out and my money ran out I was in bad shape. I had some weed and some suboxone but it just wasn't cutting it. I entered detox at a local hospital at the end of February. This hospital didn't believe in subs or methadone. All I was given was 20mg chlordiazepoxide (librium) and some clonidine.
The first two days I didn't sleep or eat or shit or shower or do a fucking thing. All I could do was kick in my bed. I used to laugh at those restless leg syndrome commercials but now I was a believer. My legs were kicking like a Irish dancer. I pleaded for a benzo but they wouldn't give me shit. The unit was full of other types of crazies like bipolar kids on 6mg of klonopin literally drooling at the mouth. god for a minute i wished I was one of them. By the 4th day I was feeling great. I was eating again and sleeping too! They put me on 100mg of trazadone and the worthless shits actually worked on me during my stay.
I got out on the 5th day and I was feeling like new man. The only problem was I couldn't sleep. They gave me a bottle of trazadone to take home and I was literally eating a gram of the shit and it didn't do a thing. I was then given gabapentin (300mg pills) and it worked a little but gave me either the worst nightmares I've ever had or the wildest sex dreams I could ever imagine. It worked a couple days but then I just couldn't sleep at all. I made it 5 days before I got the idea of a drug I knew would help me sleep. heroin.
I called my boy with fresh tax-return cash in hand and bought 6 bags. I actually got sick that first time I banged a bag. Just like my first time trying IV dope. I thought that I had shit under control this time. I made it through detox and I certainly wasn't going to end up like before.
2 weeks and a grand later I was right back where I started. I was doing almost a gram a day. I was also attending NA/AA meetings and I felt like dirty liar every time they said clap if you stayed clean today.
My 2 week relapse ended with me stealing money from my parents. This is something I would never do. ever. They caught me while I was driving to cop and told me to come home. I was halfway between my house and my dope but I turned around when I thought about what I had done. They were disappointed to say the least.. They stood by me thought my first detox and for some crazy reason they saw me though my latest detox.
My latest detox started 4 days ago and I decided to do it cold turkey at home. My god the first two days were hell. My legs were dancing wildly like before and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was gulping the trazadone and gabapentin by the fistfull to no avail. One of my good friends came by and I asked him for some 2mg xanax bars and he said no. I gotta hang onto him cause that's a true friend. He refused my request and told me I had to do this straight up. And that's what I did. I stayed in bed for those two days and on the 3rd day I actually felt ok. I was able to get up and eat something.
Today was a good day. I got up and took a shower and my hunger came back with a vengeance! I went to my home-base NA meeting and received the white keychain for coming back. I felt so happy to be there sober and told the group all about what I had just went through.
Speaking at NA and writing this is so cathartic right now. I'm able to do a lot a thinking about my life and where I'm at right now.
All of my friends who are/were dope addicts have had to go to detox due to some sort of tragedy. For me my accident, for S a raid and arrest, for I an overdose, for others jail, and for one unfortunate soul death. I have never met a dope addict making it fine in the world. If such a person exists I tip my hat, for you are a amazing specimen. Heroin addiction is a fucking beast. Of all the drugs I have ever tried, IV dope was the monster that took control of me instead of vice versa.
Well now it's 5:10am and I don't know what else to say. I'm so confused and tired and fucking feeling crazy. My girl woke up and asked what time it was. I love watching her sleep. I'm such a lucky motherfucker. I hope shit will get better. I hope I can stay sober. I hope I can find love and happiness without dope again. I hope my dealer doesn't call me again with his new digits. I hope...
Thanks to anyone who reads this long dribble. I had to get it out somewhere to someone...
My girl is in my bed asleep. I'm amazed she's still with me through all this.
I'm Sean and I'm a heroin addict (NA: "Hi Sean!")
About 6 weeks ago I totaled my car while making a dope run. I was way to tired and w/d'ing hardcore. Flipped my shit about 5 times (or so some dude who witnessed it says) and somehow came out alive. I broke 13 ribs.
During my hospital stay they gave me a dilaudid drip PCA (oh yes) and I was twisting the tube and giving myself triple or quadruple doses at a time. During the night my bp and heart monitors kept going off, most likely because I was on the verge of OD'ing.
After moving me out of the ICU and into a lesser room I was given a 50 ug/hr fentanyl patch (yes!!). I was also given 2 5mg oxys every 4 hrs. I still wasn't feeling the high, however. My true addiction kicked in and I called my boy and he delivered me 3 bags of dope and a fresh pin. I banged a bag right in my hospital bed and hid the needle under my blanket. After 3 more days I ripped off my patch and asked for a new one. They gave me a 100 ug/hr fentanyl patch as a replacement (oh my!).
I got home with a doggy bag of 30 5mg hydrocodone pills. I immediately ate about 6 of these and called my friendly dealer to deliver 6 bags. During this week I could barely get out of bed. I was in an almost constant nod for a week eating pills and banging away at the dope.
After my pills ran out and my money ran out I was in bad shape. I had some weed and some suboxone but it just wasn't cutting it. I entered detox at a local hospital at the end of February. This hospital didn't believe in subs or methadone. All I was given was 20mg chlordiazepoxide (librium) and some clonidine.
The first two days I didn't sleep or eat or shit or shower or do a fucking thing. All I could do was kick in my bed. I used to laugh at those restless leg syndrome commercials but now I was a believer. My legs were kicking like a Irish dancer. I pleaded for a benzo but they wouldn't give me shit. The unit was full of other types of crazies like bipolar kids on 6mg of klonopin literally drooling at the mouth. god for a minute i wished I was one of them. By the 4th day I was feeling great. I was eating again and sleeping too! They put me on 100mg of trazadone and the worthless shits actually worked on me during my stay.
I got out on the 5th day and I was feeling like new man. The only problem was I couldn't sleep. They gave me a bottle of trazadone to take home and I was literally eating a gram of the shit and it didn't do a thing. I was then given gabapentin (300mg pills) and it worked a little but gave me either the worst nightmares I've ever had or the wildest sex dreams I could ever imagine. It worked a couple days but then I just couldn't sleep at all. I made it 5 days before I got the idea of a drug I knew would help me sleep. heroin.
I called my boy with fresh tax-return cash in hand and bought 6 bags. I actually got sick that first time I banged a bag. Just like my first time trying IV dope. I thought that I had shit under control this time. I made it through detox and I certainly wasn't going to end up like before.
2 weeks and a grand later I was right back where I started. I was doing almost a gram a day. I was also attending NA/AA meetings and I felt like dirty liar every time they said clap if you stayed clean today.
My 2 week relapse ended with me stealing money from my parents. This is something I would never do. ever. They caught me while I was driving to cop and told me to come home. I was halfway between my house and my dope but I turned around when I thought about what I had done. They were disappointed to say the least.. They stood by me thought my first detox and for some crazy reason they saw me though my latest detox.
My latest detox started 4 days ago and I decided to do it cold turkey at home. My god the first two days were hell. My legs were dancing wildly like before and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was gulping the trazadone and gabapentin by the fistfull to no avail. One of my good friends came by and I asked him for some 2mg xanax bars and he said no. I gotta hang onto him cause that's a true friend. He refused my request and told me I had to do this straight up. And that's what I did. I stayed in bed for those two days and on the 3rd day I actually felt ok. I was able to get up and eat something.
Today was a good day. I got up and took a shower and my hunger came back with a vengeance! I went to my home-base NA meeting and received the white keychain for coming back. I felt so happy to be there sober and told the group all about what I had just went through.
Speaking at NA and writing this is so cathartic right now. I'm able to do a lot a thinking about my life and where I'm at right now.
All of my friends who are/were dope addicts have had to go to detox due to some sort of tragedy. For me my accident, for S a raid and arrest, for I an overdose, for others jail, and for one unfortunate soul death. I have never met a dope addict making it fine in the world. If such a person exists I tip my hat, for you are a amazing specimen. Heroin addiction is a fucking beast. Of all the drugs I have ever tried, IV dope was the monster that took control of me instead of vice versa.
Well now it's 5:10am and I don't know what else to say. I'm so confused and tired and fucking feeling crazy. My girl woke up and asked what time it was. I love watching her sleep. I'm such a lucky motherfucker. I hope shit will get better. I hope I can stay sober. I hope I can find love and happiness without dope again. I hope my dealer doesn't call me again with his new digits. I hope...
Thanks to anyone who reads this long dribble. I had to get it out somewhere to someone...
danny
