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Guys I need some encouragement, this last hurdle seems impossible

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FluxRider

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Joined
Jun 6, 2012
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Hi guys, I've been on a long term comedown for about a year now. Last year this time I rolled 3 times in 2 months and had terrible symptoms however in 3-4 months they went away 90%. Then I stupidly thought "hey I feel better now I can probably roll again" I took a .2 dose August 27th and I regressed to my original symptoms but worse. I know it was very dumb please don't berate me for it, it took me forever to forgive myself for it and just accept my mistake. I have already vowed to never touch the stuff again.

This time in my comedown I already knew what to expect so I just tried to be as healthy as possible. It's been about 3.5 months and I have improved GREATLY. Right now as I am typing this I feel as if I had never done drugs. However the problem is that acute anxiety is my only remaining symptom. My depression, brain fog, sound sensitivity and general anxiety all passed and there was a 1 week period where I felt a 100%. Then I started getting severe hypochondria at night, I irrationally fear for my health and fear going to sleep as I think I'm going to die and never wake up. This is wrecking my sleep but sometimes it passes and I take some natural supplements to calm me down and sleep 5-6 hours.


I am unsure what to do at this stage. Thinking about going through another night like that seems unbearable. I am considering looking into some medication so I can sleep and live normally. However I'm afraid that taking medicine will mess me up more or when I try to come off of them I'll just revert to my original state.


My other option is to just tough it out for as long as possible. I have 1 month of from school now and I can potentially take the next semester of to heal.

I am afraid right now that it's not going to go away because it seems like it's getting stronger. Do you guys think I should just grit my teeth and wait it out?
 
Hi there, honestly the anxiety does go, in my experience it has always been about not worrying (as hard as that is to do) and try and focus on other things. Anything else at all.

How long has the hypochondria been occurring for?

A very good thing to remember: breathe in, breathe out, everything is going to be okay and you are going to wake up tomorrow fine and normal.

Something I like to always remember when I'm in a bad state.


I'm not a professional medical doctor, but I am a raver who has been out there, from what I have seen medication just seems to numb everything but not in the best of ways, sometimes that is exactly what people need (ofc) but there seems to be more cases of people that didn't need meds than people who do.

Make this decision yourself, in the morning.

But remember: you've been through this before the first time :) although it came back, you know you can definitely beat it and come back to being 100% again, people take much larger doses and do way more ignorant unsafe stuff and even then they come out (eventually) alright.

Don't let this bring you down too bad, you are you and you can smash this.

Sweet dreams FluxRider. <3 x0x0
 
Hi after, the hypochondria was something I have since about 7th grade. However then it was very, very minor and never affected my life. As I got older it went away naturally. It seems that this experience re woke it but much greater in severity. The hypochondria kicked in about a month ago this time.

Every morning I make the decision to tough it out but then each night when I'm panicking and can't sleep I swear I need meds. Right now I think I can make it. If I take of from school I definitely can heal. My parents hate seeing me like this though, it affects them just as much as it does me. They're taking me to see a family friend who's a neurologist this monday. After talking to him on the phone he thinks I may find some benefit from buspirone. I'm not so sure though it says its used for generalized anxiety but I have none of that. Right now I'm in a pretty tranquil meditative state but past 11pm is when the worry sets in.

I think either way I just need to be positive, each time I worried about my past symptoms and thought they would not heal they always have.
 
FluxRider said:
I think either way I just need to be positive, each time I worried about my past symptoms and thought they would not heal they always have.
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This! :)

It always does go away it's just the times when we are panicking of course it feels like it won't change, but it's all about one day at a time.

Surely since the second time do you feel better as of this day compared to the morning after? That's what I like to think about, just noticing (or not noticing until it's obvious) bits of recovery every day.

I think you can make it, it's been just over 4 months and I reckon you have battled through the worst of that storm like a trooper.
 
On the subject of maintaining your own positivity, have you ever read up on mindfulness? If not, I highly recommend getting a book or two about it, or mindfulness meditation- it is a concept that is focused very much on how to be in the moment, and there are excellent strategies for bringing yourself back to the present and letting go of the past/not obsessing about the future. It can be very helpful for people suffering from the anxiety you describe! It's rooted in Buddhism, however you don't have to be a Buddhist to get a lot out of it (if you are religious and worry about worshipping false idols, remember that Buddha was NOT a god but a human, and there are many people out there who consider themselves to be Christian or part of other religions but also follow some Buddhist beliefs). Mindfulness has taught me how to be aware of thoughts that are spinning out of control and getting me worked up, and how to react to them in a way that decreases how much they make me suffer and decreases the control they have over me. Seriously, just have a look at it if you haven't already and see if it does anything for you :)

And remember that this will go away, keep being strong and pushing through it!
 
afterlyfestyle said:
This! :)

It always does go away it's just the times when we are panicking of course it feels like it won't change, but it's all about one day at a time.

Surely since the second time do you feel better as of this day compared to the morning after? That's what I like to think about, just noticing (or not noticing until it's obvious) bits of recovery every day.

I think you can make it, it's been just over 4 months and I reckon you have battled through the worst of that storm like a trooper.
Click to expand...


Yes I can definitely compared to how I felt during the first couple weeks I have made an immense improvement. I guess this is just another area that the body is repairing right now. It sucks but I guess I'll have to accept it until it goes.


questforstarfish said:
On the subject of maintaining your own positivity, have you ever read up on mindfulness? If not, I highly recommend getting a book or two about it, or mindfulness meditation- it is a concept that is focused very much on how to be in the moment, and there are excellent strategies for bringing yourself back to the present and letting go of the past/not obsessing about the future. It can be very helpful for people suffering from the anxiety you describe! It's rooted in Buddhism, however you don't have to be a Buddhist to get a lot out of it (if you are religious and worry about worshipping false idols, remember that Buddha was NOT a god but a human, and there are many people out there who consider themselves to be Christian or part of other religions but also follow some Buddhist beliefs). Mindfulness has taught me how to be aware of thoughts that are spinning out of control and getting me worked up, and how to react to them in a way that decreases how much they make me suffer and decreases the control they have over me. Seriously, just have a look at it if you haven't already and see if it does anything for you :)

And remember that this will go away, keep being strong and pushing through it!
Click to expand...

Yes! I meditate regularly and try to stay mindful as much as possible during the day. I think it's the main reason I didn't spiral out of control the first few months. But you're right I've let this shake me out of my mindful state, I'm living to much in the future instead of just accepting whats happening to my in the present moment.
 
Taking off from school is not the answer. Right now it might seem like it is the good choice because you might feel less stressed being at home than in school. However, once you're at home too much (like I have been), you'll quickly be bored and have your thoughts to yourself all day long which is the opposite of what you need. You need to stay busy and do something to take your mind off your situation in order to heal. Trust me on this one. At first I thought the same way and eventually realized that if I'd be busy 100% of the time I'd never have any issues at all. Unfortunately that is not humanly possible because you have to take breaks. But the busier you are the better. You need a little bit of free time with thoughts to yourself and you can use that time to learn how to have positive thoughts.

Also, I was also a minor hypochondriac most my life like yourself.

Your story is similar because I also had the sleep issues thing. And I also felt like it was all getting worse before I got on the meds. It's too early to judge but right now I feel better and hoping it keeps getting better.

I am currently on Lexapro medium dose and that helps with everything and lets me sleep. We'll see how it works out I won't know for at least another few months.

Buspirone should work. Anxiety, depression, stress, phobia, worry, and OCD are all interlinked so the same classes of medication are prescribed for all of these things.


PS
Whatever you do don't get on any benzo class drugs like Xanax for sleep. Did that for a few days and anxiety instantly grew much worser afterwards. Benzos are not a good long term drug. Some people seem to use them without getting worser anxiety, but for me it got worse after Xanax.
 
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^shytk is right, you shouldn't quit school and try ro keep busy. The more you are not doing anything, the more you will think of your situation. The first few months of my comedown are absolutely horrifying, and I had panic attacks at work. I would usually cry in the washroom whenever I felt the panic attack but there's not much you can do but deal with it. You will get through this but for now, you have to find ways to deal with your anxiety.
 
Would anyone believe me if I said that I believe that most (if not all) of these long term comedown stories are psychosomatic. I swear it's possible to just worry yourself ill, rather than just getting out there and enjoying life. MDMA does not cause perma damage, you will get back to normal (you are probably normal as we speak, but the hypochondria is causing this).

How do I know this I hear you ask? Because I have friends from the 80's who blitzed MDMA every weekend, and they are perfectly normal and functioning human beings with jobs and loving families.
 
SilentRoller said:
Would anyone believe me if I said that I believe that most (if not all) of these long term comedown stories are psychosomatic. I swear it's possible to just worry yourself ill, rather than just getting out there and enjoying life. MDMA does not cause perma damage, you will get back to normal (you are probably normal as we speak, but the hypochondria is causing this).

How do I know this I hear you ask? Because I have friends from the 80's who blitzed MDMA every weekend, and they are perfectly normal and functioning human beings with jobs and loving families.
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Yep. I refer to it as 'BL syndrome'. Still, it does seem pretty unlikely that the symptoms would persist months and years on, but I suppose it's plausible. Anxiety is a horrible, self-reinforcing mindstate.
 
I don't think there are any "symptoms" to begin with. I think it's just people who are unsure of what to make of the comedown the following days. They forget that an MDMA comedown/crash can peak on about day 3 and last for a week in some cases, and therefore start freaking the fuck out that they have fried their brain. This then leads to hypochondria and a vicious anxiety loop where they are constantly scanning for symptoms.

Seriously, back in the 90's, people weren't posting on a drugs forum about how they may of fried themselves. They were out chugging down white doves and mitsubishi's whilst reaching for the lasers!
 
SilentRoller said:
Would anyone believe me if I said that I believe that most (if not all) of these long term comedown stories are psychosomatic. I swear it's possible to just worry yourself ill, rather than just getting out there and enjoying life. MDMA does not cause perma damage, you will get back to normal (you are probably normal as we speak, but the hypochondria is causing this).

How do I know this I hear you ask? Because I have friends from the 80's who blitzed MDMA every weekend, and they are perfectly normal and functioning human beings with jobs and loving families.
Click to expand...



Now that I've calmed down I agree with you on some points but from your post it's pretty clear you've never experienced serious side effects...obviously I know that physically I'm perfectly healthy and normal. The whole problem with anxiety and hypochondria or any severe mental disease is that when it happens you lose the capacity for rational thinking. You literally cannot stop yourself from worrying sometimes and just think "oh I'm totally fine physically duh" If it was that simple do you think anyone would actually have a mental disease? Why don't people just go to psych wards and say to the guy with severe schizophrenia " hey bro chill out those voices in your head aren't real".

I know that some of it is worsened by my own thinking which instigates the anxiety loop. For that I am practicing mindfulness and using CBT and it has helped greatly. But there still is a biochemical aspect which still exists and has to repair. After reading more recovery stories I've realized that this too shall pass and it's just a part of the healing process.


But I understand where you're coming from man, I don't mean to sound like I'm bashing you. Since freshman year I used to roll every month and be fine no problem. Sometimes I even had what I thought then was a "bad comedown", where I was emotional had anxiety and depression. Those always went away in a 2-3 weeks so I knew what to expect. This is much, much different during the first 2-3 months I literally thought I was going to die. It obviously has something to do with a combination of shitty drugs and the fact that I was very stressed out initially which caused the damage.
 
shytk and maya, you guys are right I've decided I'm not going to take a break from school. After tomorrow I have 6 weeks of so that should help a lot. I realized the anxiety is just a sign of my body repairing so I know I'll make it through
 
what kind of diet are you following? (i send you a pm and was impossible...)
 
I eat really healthy basically the paleo diet but with a lot of carbs from rice and potatoes
 
welll not really a advice just my own experience...stay out of carbs and sugar did and its doing wonders for me. yes, im eating just proteins form seeds and little meat, and TONS of veggies, fermented milk too, not raw, no more than 1 fruit a day. But im not a nutritional profesional so im just sharing what did best to me.in fact if i eat sugary or carb i will have a days of not improving time..
regards :)
 
derok said:
welll not really a advice just my own experience...stay out of carbs and sugar did and its doing wonders for me. yes, im eating just proteins form seeds and little meat, and TONS of veggies, fermented milk too, not raw, no more than 1 fruit a day. But im not a nutritional profesional so im just sharing what did best to me.in fact if i eat sugary or carb i will have a days of not improving time..
regards :)
Click to expand...

hmm interesting the first time I went through this I actually did low carb paleo, however now that I have added in carbs i have found myself to be improving much more rapidly. My thinking was that carbs--> spike insuling --> builds serotonin and cuts cortisol levels. I cut out unhealthy carbs and am only eating rice and potatos mostly.

I think my anxiety is related to drinking. It's been 11 days since I last drank, I'm going commit to being 100% sober from now on and seeing how the anxiety improves in time. Looking back it's kind of stupid that I didn't make the connection. I was feeling great a while ago and thats when I was completely sober for a month. Since I drank again my anxiety increased. ( 1 time binge drinking , 2 times moderate).
 
Okay my opinion on this as I do not wish to get into another debate:

If you live off McDonalds you might want to reconsider your diet. Otherwise you're not going to fix anything in your brain with healthy food. At least not for anxiety issues.

The only way to fix anxiety is to stop trying so hard to fix it in the first place. You'll need to stop trying so hard to all of a sudden adjust your diet if you want to make significant progress. You're thinking too much about how to escape the situation you are currently in. Instead you need to accept the situation. And any good therapist will tell you that is not the way to go about resolving anxiety.

Let's face it, the MDMA has put you into a mode of heightened anxiety and possibly depression. You're going to need to get out of it slowly by practicing acceptance and dealing with your current situation. For me I have found keeping busy and truly believing that I'll get better has been the two best things. I've did the super healthy food part originally. I always ate organics but I upped the ante and went to salads and whatnot. It makes things worse because all you do all day is think on ways to fight your anxiety by eating healthier.

You'll figure it out eventually, I'm sure.
 
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