Mental Health guilt and shame?

[bloodyammonia]

When I mildly upset someone or even slightly make them upset I get this extremely horrid feeling but it's like I need it. When I hurt the person and they do not yell at me or tell me how mad they are I get frustrated and then when I convince them to tell me I get overwhelmed with guilt and shame. I feel useless. I just hate feeling so guilty, so much, so often. I feel like I must punish myself in return when I hurt someone, I HAVE to even it out. I need to do but I fucking hate it. does that make sense? I hate hurting but I know that when I hurt its because I did someone else wrong so it's deserved. It also takes me a very long time to recover from the smallest argument with a friend. I feel like they don't like me anymore if they get mad with me. I hate hurting them, I hate hurting myself, but I deserve it. It's my fault they feel like that. I know I shouldn't feel so bad for myself but I just hate it. I just want to STOP it. I hate feeling guilty but I know I deserve it but I can't seem to get it in my head that I DESERVE IT. Does anyone else feel this way, or know why it happens?

 

[herbavore]

Sounds like old, deep stuff from your family tbh. Were you shamed a lot as a kid in your family or did you witness either of your parents doing that to themselves or each other? Were you from a very religious home? Sometimes there are no obvious factors like that and it is just the particular combination of personality and ultra-sensitivity. I do think that feeling that you must punish yourself for being human (we all hurt people sometimes) must be a terrible way to live. I imagine it makes you feel very isolated deep down. Have you ever tried any therapy?

 

[bloodyammonia]

Sounds like old, deep stuff from your family tbh. Were you shamed a lot as a kid in your family or did you witness either of your parents doing that to themselves or each other? Were you from a very religious home? Sometimes there are no obvious factors like that and it is just the particular combination of personality and ultra-sensitivity. I do think that feeling that you must punish yourself for being human (we all hurt people sometimes) must be a terrible way to live. I imagine it makes you feel very isolated deep down. Have you ever tried any therapy?

My mother used to make me feel guilty on purpose as a child a lot, a lot. so much it was unbearable I ended up moving in with my dad who I thought I hated. I do see a therapist and I just finally admitted and spoke about how I was molested as a kid but I don't think there's a correlation. Does therapy help this? I can talk to her more about it, thank you for your response, btw.

 

[bloodyammonia]

Hey buddy, I struggle a lot with that too. I think it comes from a deep rooted insecurity. My parents beat my ass a lot growing up and I think it made me that way. So much, I had a gun in my mouth at one point. I still struggle with it, but its getting better. Sometimes we gotta just learn to say fuck it, ya know? Get to know yourself, it took me a long time to figure myself out and I still surprise myself sometimes. I've learned to just accept myself, I am what I am. Get to know yourself and be proud of what you are. We are how we are and if people don't like it, they'll have to find a way to deal with it.

Thank you SO much. I'm so glad someone can relate and help me out. I'm really sorry about what the fuck's gone on in your life that's made you this way. Shit happens though, right? Thank you, I hope I can start to better my acceptance of myself