Growing

'Lost dreams awaken, new possibilities arise.' -NA

These trials, pains and self-torturous thoughts. These feelings of inadequacy, failure and disappointment to others, they all count for something.

I can feel the growth inside of me. I can see the difference in myself compared to how I was before.

I have this energy today. Its an inside thing and this energy isn't meant to be released yet, apparently.

People from my past that were important to me didn't believe in me. They saw me weak and hurting. They saw me penniless and needy.

I guess this is how they thought I would always be. They were wrong.

Even in the darkest part of my junkie life I knew I had strength and potential. Well, maybe not strength but buried deep inside I KNEW I was capable of being worthy to myself and others. I KNEW if I got my shit together on the insides I could achieve whatever I set my mind to.

Its still early for me but I recognize the POSITIVES about myself as well as the negatives.

I wonder if those people from my past who doubted me will poke their heads back into my life when they see these changes.

I wonder if I will be humble or if I will shout loudly 'I TOLD YOU SO, MOTHERFUCKER!'

Ya see, I told ya I still have a lot of work to do on myself

 

Heh, nothing wrong of being proud of your accomplishments. Humility is great, but sometimes you have to toot your own horn a little.

Be careful with holding back your energy though. The longer it is held hidden, the more likely it will sour, fade, or harden to stone. Judging from what you've written, I don't think that will happen with you. Just from my own experience I can tell you that keeping anything bottled up for too long is never wise.

 

Personally as long as your not using it's never to early to see the positives in yourself, however for me the negatives always seem to stand out more.
I also agree with Dave handle with care holding things back. Try and find a good way to express the worst. Everything's harder than it sounds, I know.

 

When you wrote.
"Even in the darkest part of my junkie life I knew I had strength and potential. Well, maybe not strength but buried deep inside I KNEW I was capable of being worthy to myself and others. I KNEW if I got my shit together on the insides I could achieve whatever I set my mind to"

I always somehow felt the same way. That is why I never really took the methadone program seriously. Ok I know it's conveinent. And everybody else is on it. But I felt I could kick my horrible monkey to the curb. All by my own self. Support is good. This I know. Wish I could find some support in my neck of the woods....congrats on your new-found energy....Wish I had some

 

who ever told u that ur energy isnt sposed to b released yet is an ass, OD!

diffrent ppl get energy at diffrent stages of their recovery - and they find diffrent ways to express/release it!

look at all the entries in ur blog uve made....now that is energy! (ive made 8!)
i know its no competition but maybe this is one of ur ways of energy u never even knew u had

dont let anyone tell u how u 'hav' to b.....u r who u r

and u can choose to b humble - or proud.....depending on watever makes u feel the best

my 2 cents anyway
its GOOD to see u feeling so positive

 

I kinda cheated though I copied my old BL journal entries over to Blogs so everything would be in one spot.