In my life I have been very lucky like many others on here to have a great number of mates over the last few years. I am now 34 and have a girlfriend that i live with now for over 5 years.
Trouble is I seem to have outgrown all my mates. Obviously my GL is the most important thing in my life now and I love here dearly but whenever I see my friends now (nearly all male) I have virtually no connection with them, its almost as if they have different agendas and lives. They still often invite me down and sometime recipricate but more and more I am feeling that we cant keep that magic going. We used to be very very close mates. I know that they all hang around a bit together, but as the slightly older one of the group I can see us drifting apart
Its not like we have had a big row or anything far from it. I guess times change, and I am now reluctant to start seeing them all like I used to like the good old days.
Post here really is to see has anyone else experienced this. I think just life moves on, but when a group of people meant so much to you you feel gutted that its not as strong as it once was.
Can anyone relate? Is this just a factor of growing up ?
I can completely relate. I have four close friends from high school, and we all grew up in a smallish city together. These are the same friends with whom I shared all of those major, formative life experiences. Drugs, girls, fights, drugs, loss of loved ones. Everything. Around the same time (early 20s) we all moved to the same bigger city - Not together, but our life trajectories all sort of led us in the same spot. I won't bore you with all the details, but fast-forward to today, and we're all 31 and all at slightly different places in life. Our group of 4 has expanded to an outer/inner circle of about 9-10 people.
I'll start by saying that it's not easy, and the older you get, the harder it becomes. For example, last weekend I babysat my friend's 1-year-old son while they went to a hockey game. They came back after and had a few beers, while we quietly chatted as the baby slept soundly in the next room. Take it or leave it, that example typifies my average interaction with my 30-something friends these days. For another friend, I organize a volleyball team and we play together. For another, we do a fishing trip every year. Between all of this, I make an effort to get the group together whenever possible. I organize bbqs, sports fundraisers, and we help each other out when needed. We all have our individual uses.
The problem, I think you'll find, is that as people get older, the more they feel that they need an excuse to get together. It's not enough to say, "It's Friday night, motherfucker!" anymore. People need a reason. They need notice. They need structure. They need finger foods and ice to put in their drinks. A friendly visit doesn't end with my drunk ass passed out on the couch. A friendly visit these days, ends a couple hours after it starts. This is something I've learned to adapt to, and I attribute it to an adult need for structure and control, mixed with certain responsibilities.
I guess what I'm saying is that it takes effort and compromise. You're always going to have that dickhead of a friend who refuses to do anything but the exact thing that
they want to do, and nothing else will make them happy.. We have one of those. We don't see him very often. But if you want to keep lifetime friendships, everyone needs to be moving forward and willing to meet in the middle from time to time. I find the best way to ensure this, is to start the ball rolling. Be the guy who puts the olive branch out. Sometimes being a good friend means doing things that you might not necessarily want to do, or might not come naturally at first. I have the choice. Instead of spending my Friday night babysitting my friend's kid, I could go out cruising and find some people my age who have more personal freedom - or I could be a fair-weather friend and just be around when it's convenient for me. I choose to make certain sacrifices in order to maintain my relationships. And my friend with the kid? He'll ditch the family and come out partying from time to time. It's a give and take.
But you seem conflicted. You seem to value your relationships highly, but for some unknown reason are losing interest in maintaining them. To answer your question, 'no' I don't believe that's a factor of growing up. Obviously we can't force you to be interested in your friends, but like I said, maintaining any relationship means picking up the phone or signing into Facebook. Sure, it's not like when you're 19, had a superhero metabolism, and every night was an adventure. You actually have to put the effort in, think about things you'd all enjoy, and make them happen. I don't agree with what neoblazing said. I don't agree that being in a different life situation means it's time to dump your friends to find more convenient ones. I dislike people who do this. Having a partner and children is incredibly important, but it guts me when I see one of those people who falls off the face of the earth the minute they get into a family situation, as if their long-time friends were just a bunch of faceless cameo roles, leading up to the final act, featuring wedding rings and diapers. Those people suck. Don't be one of those people.
