Greetings! I'm just looking for some support. (Opiates and Benzos)

[~>umop 3plsdn<~]

Hi everyone.

I'm not sure where to start...

I guess I should start with explaining why I'm here. I'm here because I don't have anyone to talk to in my personal life that is knowledgeable in regards to any of this. I'd like to explain my situation to anyone that is willing to read about it and although I'm not very optimistic when it comes to the believing that I'll find anyone that has successfully gotten off of opiates AS WELL as benzos... I feel that I would be doing myself a great disservice if I were to not even try putting this out there.

So I'm mentally addicted to opiates as well as physically dependent. I was on MMT for about a year and I quit cold turkey on my 25th birthday from 60 mgs. That was about 13 months ago. I was unable to deal with the methadone withdrawal and I ended up back on oxycodone/hydromorphone/morphine/fent etc. When April 2013 came around, I checked into a detox and the most awful period of my life started.

I ended up making it about 1.5 months with no opiates after not making it a day for about a year and a half... but during this time (in which I was very anxious and vulnerable) someone asked me if I was quitting opiates alone or opiates AND my prescribed clonazepam. In my mind, for 3 years or so at that point, opiates were my problem and I never thought twice about the benzos. I wasn't ever concerned about them and I never once felt anything from them (except no more random panic attacks that I'd get about once per month before-hand).

So I looked up benzo withdrawal online and found the benzo buddies site while in that hopeless state that comes alongside severe opiate withdrawal.

This is when everything went from horrific to HELL. What I read online about benzos scared the fucking crap out of me and it started this vicious, negative spiral of thoughts and after being on that site for a couple of weeks I thought I was COMPLETELY fucked and this lasted all summer. I wanted to die.

But then I actually started tapering from the benzos and I kept finding that I'm not experiencing any of the withdrawal symptoms!

The one thing that basically saved me from hell was learning that SOME people don't experience benzo withdrawal. I then thought about what I was reading online and about how none of the people that have successfully gotten off of benzos will be online... only the people desperate for help. Then I started thinking about the effect that reading all of that stuff had on me and of what I already knew about the power of either positive or negative thinking. For the past month or two, I have felt an INCREDIBLE sense of relief after it all made sense to me as to why these people on that site (and many other sites) are experiencing so many symptoms. Granted, I don't want to downplay the suffering of anyone that is suffering from benzo withdrawal... I DO completely believe... no, KNOW that it is real. I just think that finding out that "your life is on hold now for years" or that everything you're feeling might never go away while IN what is what I would imagine to be a pronounced excitatory state from excess glutamate/downregulated GABA receptors is enough to turn the nightmare of what most people experience from benzo withdrawal into absolute hell on earth.

So I've made it from 3mg clonazepam down to 0.75 mgs over 3 months or so and I haven't noticed any symptoms. I definitely don't want to hear that I'm going to be doomed because what's keeping me going right now is the thought that perhaps the fear of what they're reading online is responsible for enormous levels of anxiety ON TOP of bz wd anxiety in these people with the horror stories which causes stress... likely huge releases of cortisol which could be responsible for the physical deterioration as well as the HUNDREDS of symptoms that severe anxiety (while not even in benzo withdrawal) can cause... as in strange sensations of the body. Plus, these people are now looking for symptoms and equating everything to benzo withdrawal and the fear of it alone will create even more symptoms... until eventually these people are trapped in some absolute nightmare world. I completely understand that it's very real even if this is the cause, because I was there.

Basically I'm hoping to hear that this makes sense to anybody else? I definitely know people aren't faking benzo withdrawal. I don't want to offend anyone that is suffering. I'm just hoping I might not have to suffer like that BECAUSE after not being able to get off of opiates in April-May (after finding that benzobuddies site I became so hopeless and devastated about the benzos that I couldn't bare another second of how terrified I was without relapsing on opiates) I have been using high doses of opiates daily.

I'm really sick of being stuck in this spot. I'm 26, good looking and I was always exceptionally smart. I'm not trying to be arrogant. I will be just as forthcoming about my negative characteristics and admit that right now, at least by society's definition of it, I am a complete fucking loser... A good person, but a loser in the sense that I'm not progressing in life and I've become somewhat of a recluse after this ordeal.

So what I'm wondering is... Should I try to get off of the opiates and then finish my taper from benzos while in opiate PAWS? I'm really, REALLY worried that I will find out (without the opiates) that what's left is some horrific torturous state that isn't worth living. I kind of need to know that it's possible to recover from this. If I just knew that I didn't have brain damage from benzos as well as the 8 months or so that I was on methadone AND benzos daily (prescribed) I could probably relax and I'd deal with the opiate withdrawal... but psychologically, opiate withdrawal of this severity is so horrific because although I've calmed down a lot about the benzo stuff after convincing myself that not everyone has to go through horrific stuff with the benzos... during that period of time in which I was reading benzo buddies my optimism about my life got SO LOW that a lot of awful thoughts basically "sprouted" in my psyche about whether or not I will be OK or even have the chance to be OK.

I know my writing is quite scattered at the moment but I'm having a hard time verbalizing my thoughts here, or, organizing the words I want to express.

I guess I could use some positive affirmations and if ANYONE has made it off of both of these and ended up alright, please, let me know.

ps. I'm quite knowledgeable in the fields that are discussed on this site and I will be glad to contribute wherever I can.

Take care - thank you to anyone that read this.

 

[bdomihizayka]

I came off of diazepam and opiates in rehab. And yea...it sucked.... it REALLLY REALLLLLLLY FUCKING SUCKED. It was the worst experience of my life- and I didn't feel somewhat human for about 3 months after jumping off. I was only on 15mg of diazepam/ day- never abused it, for anxiety, and KNEW of the notorious benzo withdrawal- but at the same time, I needed to come off of opiates. I was just a mess and needed inpatient.

NO, not every suffers bad benzo withdrawal. I personally know people who take absurd amounts of xanax and haven't suffered a fraction of what I went through. And I was only on 15mgs valium for 6 months or so.

Do you know when I started feeling better? I stopped reading forums. I stopped looking into everything. You scared yourself silly about benzo withdrawal (I admit, I was right there on benzobuddies with you) before you even went through it. The mind is a very powerful thing. STAY OFF BENZOBUDDIES!!!! I can go back and read a few threads and start convincing myself im still in benzo withdrawal LOL....

 

[~>umop 3plsdn<~]

I came off of diazepam and opiates in rehab. And yea...it sucked.... it REALLLY REALLLLLLLY FUCKING SUCKED. It was the worst experience of my life- and I didn't feel somewhat human for about 3 months after jumping off. I was only on 15mg of diazepam/ day- never abused it, for anxiety, and KNEW of the notorious benzo withdrawal- but at the same time, I needed to come off of opiates. I was just a mess and needed inpatient.

NO, not every suffers bad benzo withdrawal. I personally know people who take absurd amounts of xanax and haven't suffered a fraction of what I went through. And I was only on 15mgs valium for 6 months or so.

Do you know when I started feeling better? I stopped reading forums. I stopped looking into everything. You scared yourself silly about benzo withdrawal (I admit, I was right there on benzobuddies with you) before you even went through it. The mind is a very powerful thing. STAY OFF BENZOBUDDIES!!!! I can go back and read a few threads and start convincing myself im still in benzo withdrawal LOL....

Thanks alot for responding! Seriously, I really appreciate it.

During that period from hell I started reflecting on the period in which I started taking opiates and I convinced myself that I burned out my serotonin because of an MDMA overdose when I was 17... and I'm worried (to fucking death) that without opiates I will be stuck in the same hellish nightmare that came before them. I never liked opiates until I had a bad experience (my first panic attack) from high dose MDMA and could no longer smoke marijuana. I spent 18-21 having looping thoughts in my head and it was horrible. The only thing that made things better was opiates and when I got put on the benzos it all kind of faded away and I got my life back... but I never once thought it was because of the benzos. I have never felt any sort of effect from them nor am I mentally addicted to them. But now I'm second guessing myself and worrying that I've only been OK because of the benzos and opiates and perhaps underneath all of this there won't be any life worth living.

I guess I'm hoping to hear that this can be normal after being scared shitless like I was after reading the benzobuddies stuff while in major opiate withdrawal.

Thanks for giving me an outlet to discuss this. I truly was scared to death and all of the progress I've made in regards to the looping thoughts that came after I had to quit smoking weed and started getting panic attacks seems to have reset back to where it was when I was 18-21. I'm hoping this is just a result of being scared so badly for a period of a few months and having lots of horrible thoughts spawned... but not knowing is killing me.

I have no idea if my brain is damaged and that is fucking with me.

I'm so worried that beneath the opiates is not just severe withdrawal... but maybe a permanent state of agony. Is it normal to feel like this? Perhaps I'm in benzo withdrawal all the time and I don't notice it because of the opiates?

Sorry, I have so much overwhelming stuff going on in my head. I appreciate to the nth degree anyone that has the time to talk to me. I'm worried that I'm fucked. Even to hear that I'm not from others would probably help... although at the same time I don't want people to lie to me. Ugh.

Thanks a lot for your response though! I really appreciate it.

 

[Rox]

Yeah it's normal. I used them to deal with a large amount of pain. Well, I didn't ever think it would be so hard to withdrawal. I know what you mean for everybody it's different. I was always a sensitive emotional guy, which gave me a good push in my music skills. Well this personality is the worst personality to get off them. A memory can make me break down crying. I can smell the concrete of the city, all smells are 10 times enhanced. No sleep because of pure extreme anxiety. Constant sweating or shivering. It doesn't make any sense how it can be that bad from getting off them.

 

[~>umop 3plsdn<~]

Are you talking opiates or benzos?

Opiates are what I need the most help getting off of... but I'm terrified to do it because I fear that once I'm off opiates then I'll have to taper off the benzos while in opiate PAWS. I'm just hoping to god that I'm one of the people that can get off benzos without much problems. I have been on clonazepam for 3.5 years and I got from 3mg to 0.75mg with no withdrawal.

I never thought the benzos were fucking me up... but when I look back now... there were quite a few times in which I acted completely fucking bizarre around the time I started on the 3mgs. Like when you drink tequila and wake up the next day after embarrassing yourself... for me it's worse. I've spent 3 YEARS in a state like that and completely fucked everything up while not knowing I was impaired. Like, what kind of fucking idiot goes on methadone "just to try it out" after being addicted to low dose oxy (oral). Also, I told a bunch of girls that I liked that I was in love with them and I wanted to nail them on facebook. Ugh. I also went and told everyone that I was an opiate addict and didn't care what anyone had to say about it. I also asked my sister if she was a lesbian in an email (she isn't). GOD DAMNIT I keep thinking of fucking retarded shit I did and it hasn't occurred to me until now.

I hope it's possible for me to be OK one day. Should I quit the opiates and then taper off the rest of the benzos or should I keep taking opiates until I'm tapered off of the benzos and THEN take on the opiate withdrawal from hell? Also, since I was on methadone, I'm very worried that being on clonazepam at the same time, every day, for about 6 months may have caused brain damage. I've heard that combining the 2 is a no-no because it can "fry your brain"... although I could function on both... drive/do schoolwork/ etc. Looking back I WAS slowed down quite a bit.

It's fucked up... the ONLY time I feel as if things are going to be alright and that I feel a drive to TRY is after I do opiates. Like right now. I railed 2 12mg hydromorph contins after going 12 hours without any opiates and thrashing around on the couch all night feeling like I'm doomed and might as well die. Now that I've done the hydromorphs, I feel like fixing this problem and trying to get back to being me so I can live a good life. I had so much potential... I'm just sick all the time. It's crippling.

So, thank you both VERY much for the responses as I've got no one to talk to anymore. I feel like I've ruined the relationships I've had with almost everyone.

My questions are;

1. Does anyone know if I am likely to have brain damage after being on MMT + 2mg clonazepam per day for 7 months? (Please don't tell me yes. Seriously, even if you have to lie.)

2. In which order should I try to quit these things?

3. Do I have a chance at being fine in the end after getting in this deep and has anyone else been here before and achieved success? (Long term benzos @ moderately high dose + major, MAJOR opiate addiction)

Thanks guys, I'm glad I joined.

 

[~>umop 3plsdn<~]

Sorry, double post.