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Great Girl....Terrible Situation

A

ATLL765

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 11, 2010
Messages
679
So I'm sitting on my couch on Friday and my ex calls me and says she has no place to stay. I've known her since we dated for all of 5, maybe 6 minutes as high school freshman nearly 10 years ago, lol. While that was a long time ago and I don't really spend a lot of time thinking about it, we have become really great friends over the past few years, though I've always still kinda had a thing for her. She had mentioned to me previously that something was going on with where she was staying and how she has no place to stay. I told her to give me a call when she could, so I could try to help. I know what that's like, having spent many a freezing night in my car with nowhere to go; something I would prefer never to do again. People had helped me when I was in that position and asked for nothing in return, mostly. With that in mind, I can't tell someone I care about that they're SOL and refuse to help them.

Anyways, I go to meet her at some bar and she ends up coming back to my place. As she explains the details of the situation, it becomes clear that she's either a bit traumatized right now or just plain crazy. At times she says things that are completely insane.....yet at times she can seem so clear.

I've been clean for almost 2 years now, but haven't dated anyone and haven't really had sex with anyone either...minus a different ex, but that's a whole other story and it was fairly meaningless. I'm sort of in uncharted territories here and it's all very confusing to me. I've finally managed to find some stability over the past year and this isn't exactly the best thing for me right now to have an new person injected into my life and have it be a 24/7 thing. I can't do that, I need things to move slower and be more deliberate or I'll probably just freak out and implode.

If I had my own place, fine, stay for 2 weeks, a month, let her get her head on straight and all that bs, but I live still live at home. I've also been running the family company my Mother started since she was diagnosed with cancer, so I can't just say 'oh btw, this girl is gonna be staying here for an indefinite amount of time, hope that's cool with you' and just hope it doesn't blow up. The reason I can eat hot food, sleep in a bed and have money in my pocket is because my Mother gifted me this opportunity. I'm not interested in starting a fight over this, because I'm not going to have the higher ground and it really isn't something I even want.

I'm beyond conflicted at this point because I truly care for her....a lot. If I tell her she has to go, I'd feel like the biggest piece of shit for letting her come over, having sex with her and then booting her out the door. It was never my intention for things to end up like this; if she hadn't initiated things on Friday, I probably never would have out of pure terror and anxiety. I certainly didn't realize she felt anything for me the way I do for her, but I'm unsure she's communicating her feelings well, so I still don't really know. She's one of my best friends and I love her for how great of a friend she's always been and I'd want to be in a relationship with her, but she's not in a good place in her head right now. Maybe she just needs some time away from what was going on in her life to gain some clarity or maybe she needs professional help, I really don't know what it is, but I can't put that kind of burden on my family while she figures out what she needs and/or wants.

This is killing me and I'm just at a total loss as to what to do next......
 
Not quite sure what your general question is but I can try help. Are there any mutual rriends you two have that could take her in? I know it's been ten years but maybe someone from high school is still around?
 
!_MDMA_! said:
Not quite sure what your general question is but I can try help. Are there any mutual rriends you two have that could take her in? I know it's been ten years but maybe someone from high school is still around?
Click to expand...

Sorry about that. My brain feels like it's been put into a blender a bit here.... I'm just looking for general advice on wtf to do or what you would do if you were in my position.

I tell her she has to go and she's not gonna take it well, I don't think. I'm just going to be someone else who dumped her off after things got semi difficult, but I can't force my family to deal with an extra person in the house out of nowhere like this. I don't really have any friends left from HS and the one I do have is texting me telling me to pull the 'chute and escape. Plus, she moved away years ago, so she has even fewer connections in the area than I do. I'm definitely a bit more accepting/understanding than many people are and I don't know if I'd feel right dumping her off on somebody else like this unless it was someone she was comfortable with. She's kind of a mess right now.

It boils down this I guess: I really like her and I'd like to grow the relationship, but I know this isn't the way to do it. She needs some stability to relax, clear her head and figure out what she wants/needs without me clouding her judgment. If she decides she wants to keep spending time with me, great, if not, it'll suck, but that decision needs to be made by her with a clear mind and I'm not going to blame her for whatever that is. I want to do the right thing, I just don't know what that is.
 
The situation is sketchy and raises many questions with me. So she's been staying with you nearly a week or did I read this wrong? If she has no place to go, I don't see that she has an incentive to leave. What happened to her own family? I imagine it could be causing your family to wonder what's happening. Most important, how do they feel about her living there with you?
 
Ksa said:
I don't see the problem, women are crazy by nature, you should see the crisis my mother goes into, she once said she never wants to see me again! Then the next morning she felt embarrassed as shit, couldn't even look me straight in the eyes and just went like "ya I'm fine".

I say you're in a good position. She's in shit and you help her means she owes you so you can humble her forever and make her the woman your right hand possesses.
Click to expand...

My Mother does that on a daily basis, but like I said, we work together. It happens. lol. Just gotta let that shit go otherwise I'd go nuts. Also, goal here is to not take advantage of the vulnerability of one of my best friends. Like I said, had she not initiated, I would have not done anything.

T. Calderone said:
The situation is sketchy and raises many questions with me. So she's been staying with you nearly a week or did I read this wrong? If she has no place to go, I don't see that she has an incentive to leave. What happened to her own family? I imagine it could be causing your family to wonder what's happening. Most important, how do they feel about her living there with you?
Click to expand...

Yes, you are correct. It's a week today. She ended up explaining why she's here...sort of...to my Mother while I was sleeping this morning. Wasn't too happy she said her bf kicked her out, don't think I mentioned that here yet. I'm what one might call a bit paranoid about information. I prefer everyone be in the dark as much as possible so I can control flow of info. I realize that's my own issue, but my Mother keeps things to herself about as well as a teenage girl.

Not that this chick is much better....she felt the need to half explain the situation to everyone at a NYE party while I was out of the room for 20 mins.....things like that are what make me think she's not all there right now. Completely unacceptable for a social situation where everyone was literally a stranger to her. Doesn't help that my anxiety over social situations and the way people view me is out of control; again, my issue, but ugh.....I have like 2 friends and I don't do anything but sit at home, which is also where I work or go to my buddy's where the 3 of us hang out, so now I'm going to feel weird about being there for the next 6 months at least....

I'm sure my Mother doesn't mind a short stay, even if she'll probably make snide comments now about what was said to her, but long term it would not be cool. I told the girl that if things even have the potential to work, she cannot just move in with me. Nothing kills a relationship like too much of the other person too fast. My issue is where does she go? If I try to convince her to go back to her parents, she's gonna be too close to her ex and she's clearly not over that, so that's a disaster in waiting and it's tough to find someone willing to take someone in that has no money whatsoever when all the people I know are <26 and are broke.
 
you have huge issues with controlling what other people say- who gives a shit if she blows off some steams to a bunched of pissed up strangers at a party

what other people i barely know think doesn't count for much in my book

what is an issue is does she have a job? because if not how can she move out? mooch off your family? where are her own parents to help in all of this. you knew her in high school and you are living at your moms so presumably she has family near by.

this is a girl who probably for ages has known that you are into her and then used sex to get a bed to stay and make herself feel better about said failed relationship with the ex. yes your good friends but if your such good friends why was she with some other dude instead of you and why did she offer sex straight away? so you cannot throw her out perhaps... to control you perhaps...

this doesn't read like the start of the wonderful relationship you wanted ages ago. it reads like a rebounding user with no prospects has found a loyal sap to mooch off.

am i being harsh? possibly
 
Do you know why her boyfriend threw her out? She's in her mid-twenties so she ought to be able to work or go and live back home with her parents until she can support herself. You say that you don't want her to go back to her parents because she will be too close to that guy. So what, is that more of a problem for her or for you? Live-in couples break up all the time. I'm not convinced she's that destitute.

They way I see it, this is really not your problem, like you said she injected herself into your life and your mother's home. Also you would feel bad for having sex her with her and telling her to leave. Surely she knows this living situation isn't permanent. I don't think Po's being harsh by saying this girl is using you. It's not too fair to your mom since she has enough to deal with having cancer. Tell this girl she needs to be moving out and don't let this drag on.
 
Hi. Totally agree with Po & Calderone; both said what I was going to say regarding your "friend" manipulating you using sex so, no need for me to reiterate.
Congratulations on being clean for two years!! I'm currently relapsed for the last two years and three months. I was working my way back to sobriety when I had to relocate my life to the other end of England to take care of my mother who was dying from cancer. She passed away just nearly 4 weeks ago. I lost my best ally within a hugely dysfunctional family. This is how I know that you have your heart in the right place but, your priorities slightly askew. Concentrate on what your mother and yourself need. If I hadn't had the last 10 weeks (before she died) in close proximity to my mum, I would've lost my mind when she died. I am so utterly grateful that I had that time with her. DON'T take your Mum's health for granted. Bless you for your concern for your friend but, she really isn't your baggage (no offence meant). Don't you have Social Services in America? Cos it sounds to me like this young woman could do with professional help regarding housing, finance, and possibly mental well being. Couldn't you take her to the local council's housing advice office? Maybe they could get her into a bedsit or into a house share with other vulnerable people? Isn't there a women's/homeless shelter she could go into as a stop gap?
Seriously, at this stage in your life you must put your own fragile hard won sobriety and your Mum first. Sad as she may be, you are not solely responsible for your friend and, I think you know only she can really help herself by facing and reconstructing her life. Best Wishes to each of you.
 
Let me respond to what you all are saying here:

I do have issues, but it's not with controlling what people say. It's more that the story probably sounds REALLY bad to someone who doesn't understand the situation. I'm a pretty accepting person in that I don't care about people pasts having been an addict and felt what it's like to have people look at you like there's something wrong with you jusand the people at this party were the kind of people that would think those things based on 1 conversation. The people weren't exactly strangers, it was a NYE party at my buddy's place with people I'm acquainted with. People that know me, but their extent of what they know is my name, that I'm 23 and that I drive a Mazda, other than that, they don't know shit, which is the way I like it. I know I sound pretty open here, but this place was a great help to me when I used and I'm comfortable talking here. I just didn't/don't want to have to answer those kinds of questions because my anxiety would drive me nuts....to the point where I might have to avoid every party at my buddy's place for a while.

She has probably known for a while I was into her, but like I said, she moved away when we were younger, we lost contact for a bit, she moved to the other side of the country for a while, I was an addict, etc. I can see your point and it's certainly a concern of mine, but it's not like there's no other possible reason. I'd imagine that may just sound like an excuse, though I think it's semi logical at least. And while I know the way people can be manipulative, I can almost guarantee she knew that if she just needed a place to stay, she'd be able to stay at my place temporarily, whether sex was involved or not.

She was with other dude for like 5-6 years, so it wasn't like that was something she could easily walk away from, ya know? And no, she doesn't have a job. She lived with her bf about a 40 min drive from where I do. Her parents also live in the same town. My concern with her going back is that I feel like some distance would aid her in seeing the situation for what it is; maybe it's me trying to manipulate subconsciously, but I don't know...

That's why I think she needs somewhere else to go where I'm not gonna be there 24/7, so she can figure it out without anything clouding her judgment. I told her that I like her, but that if things are gonna have even a remote chance of working out, she can't just move into my house like this. She seemed pretty understanding of that. I just don't know how she's going to make that work. Going back to her parents is likely the best solution, just not the one I like the best...and certainly not the one she'd like the best either. As for as social services, they exist, but she's from PA, I'm in NJ. Not sure how it works for non-residents. Does that even matter? I'm clueless there.

I know all my posts are really tl;dr, so thank you to everyone for the responses.
 
Yo... If her parents live in that town you have to tell her to go back to them


Even if their relationship is likely damaged as i suspect because she came to you first instead of them, 99% of parents will have an impossible time turning away their child crying on their doorstep with no place to go


And idk if she used sex as a tool to keep you from kicking her out, or simply found solace in the physical nature of the activity. But either way i agree that this isn't a healthy start to a relationship and you're likely to end as a rebound.
 
This is a classic internal struggle between NEED and WANT.

What meets your needs over time, is what you need to go with, and honestly, you know that. You've already clearly defined right and wrong in this situation as far as your needs go. You know the answer, it's just not going to give you the dopamine you're chasing like hosting her will. In the long run though, you will have made a decisions that suits your needs better, and has not impaired you in any way. You will actually strengthen your resolve, and further imprint this as a permanent thought pattern that will help you succeed in life.

Don't host her. You know that you can't, so do not entertain the idea of doing it. If she can't accept this, then she isn't the type of person that you need in your life. Draw your lines.
 
Well, it kinda blew up anyways and my Mom kicked her out on day 7, despite some discussion. My Mom assumed I hung up on her when the phone cut out in the basement, so she got real mad about that and decided that was that.

I wish I knew an easier way. I really like this girl, but she needs some help and not just from me. I've never seen someone drink so much coffee and smoke so many cigarettes. I tell her I gotta get up for work in the morning and that people are sleeping, but she still gets up every 45 mins, even if it's 5-6am, to smoke a cigarette and refuses to admit that the 30 cups of coffee she drinks could possibly affect her mood or be a contributor to her NEVER wanting to sleep. It's nuts. Then if I tell her that, she either gets indignant and tells me I just don't get it or she makes a complete 180 for a minute to tell me she gets it, that she's just stressed and this is how she "deals", but knows I'm right. Not sure if it's pure crazy or just a strange need to be contrarian because she doesn't trust I'm trying to help or feels the need to push back against any type of authority whatsoever.

I know this all sounds like wtf, why in the world would you deal with any bs from someone you're helping this much, but I can see the person underneath at times. I just want to be able to give back to someone who needs help now that I've kinda put my shit together a bit.

I'm trying to weigh my own needs against those of a close friend of 10 years. I'm going to try to help her out the best I can, but she's not going to be at my house for it. Now to attempt to convince her that the people at social services aren't that scary because that would not only give her some stability if they could temporarily place her in a motel/hotel in the area, but give her time to relax and not worry about where she's staying that night, maybe find a job and give me the time and space to see the situation clearly. If she can level herself out a bit, it'd be a lot easier to find her a place to go, especially so if she has a job and can pay to be there. I just hope I can figure out where to draw the line when need be...

Thanks again for all the help everyone.
 
That's a lot of cigarettes. Gag gross. She's gonna look like hell by 35.

That alone would put me off. She has no money but can afford like $20/day for cigarettes? I'm assuming she must go through 2 packs a day like that.
 
although you want to help, it's not your responsibility to find her somewhere to live, or as you say, 'find somewhere else or someone else to dump her on. That's just plain fucked.

It's simple. Just outright like this: It is okay for you to stay here for 2 weeks (or whatever time you think is okay without her getting TOO comfortable). I think that is ample time for you to figure out your next move and where to go from here. I am willing to help you in any way that I can, and I'd also like to continue to see you and see if there's a future between us (if that's still what you want at that time) If I had my own place, maybe things would be different, but as you can see I live with my mom and as you know she isn't in the best of health, and it's not really fair to her to take on someone else living in the house at the moment. I hope that you can respect that, and what I'm trying to do for you.... and take advantage of the situation to try to figure our your shit.


Just like you said in your above post: she was with the other dude for 5 or 6 years and it's not that easy to walk away from.... my guess, mark my words- you're right, it's not that easy to walk away from a 6 year relationship and I see her moving back in with the old boyfriend after boiking you for a few more days.

Problem solved.
 
Actually forget what I said.
After reading your last post I only have one other thing to say and that's, crazy love company.
 
How about you two sit down and talk about what you and her actually want? Do you want a relationship or not? Better yet, why do you live at home this long? Maybe this is also fears you have about starting over?
 
Lessons From Experience

Hello ATTL765,

I read your last update on your domestic situation. I was into maybe, my 12th verbose paragraph of reply when I touched the wrong area of my smartphone, losing everything I'd written in the process. Believing that a positive eventuality is easy as, with hindsight, I don't know if you'd accept what I'd replied, in the same spirit with which it was written.

That said, as a parent of five children aged 25, 23, 13, 10, 7 & as someone with a very recently deceased mother, I don't feel able to let this go without a few home truths which should enrich the time you have left with your Mum. Please know that I am not judging you in any way. Nor do I say any of this with malice or, any other negative connotation which may be implied, because I do understand and appreciate that you were trying to do your best for your friend, whom you've known for many years.

Regardless of your friends situation, you did this to your Mum during what may be the most vulnerable period of her life so far. That was unfair. Your mother not only loves you but, she clearly adores you. Not many parents house AND employ their junkie kids (for whatever the reasons, I think you'll mostly find the opposite). You made a mess, then allowed it to fester for over a week. Only you (when you finally admit it to yourself) know the true extent of the craziness you exposed your Mum to for that length of time but, you have dropped hints. I shudder to think of the hostile environment your Mum found herself in the midst of. Then, when her son showed little sign of clearing up his mess, Mum did what Mums do: She got out her big broom and swept the mess right out of her house. Then (when you finally admit it to yourself) even though you were relieved, you heaped opprobrium on your Mum:"Despite some discussion" plus the bit about Mum thinking you hung up on her.
In turning this situation around to learn from it, one thing you must ask yourself is: What did Mum do to deserve this? Forget about friend. Forget about you & friend. Ask why, when she is so very ill, possibly lonely, more than likely scared witless, why does her beloved son reward her 24 years of attentive love and affection with an uninvited weapons grade guest? Once you've truthfully examined the answer (pushing all distracting, excusing self pity aside) take your relationship with your Mum forward by loving and caring for her as much as she does you, perhaps even a little more, while you've still got time. Please, DON'T take your mother's health for granted. I really hope you both have many years to look forward to spending with each other.
I wish you both peace in your lives.
 
^Yeah no kidding, you gotta put your mother first in this situation. I guess its too late now, but it must have been putting stress on her to boot the girl out, which she should've done because your mother needs peace of mind in the current situation she is afflicted with, and you wouldn't do it.
 
DieselEstate said:
Hello ATTL765,

I read your last update on your domestic situation. I was into maybe, my 12th verbose paragraph of reply when I touched the wrong area of my smartphone, losing everything I'd written in the process. Believing that a positive eventuality is easy as, with hindsight, I don't know if you'd accept what I'd replied, in the same spirit with which it was written.

That said, as a parent of five children aged 25, 23, 13, 10, 7 & as someone with a very recently deceased mother, I don't feel able to let this go without a few home truths which should enrich the time you have left with your Mum. Please know that I am not judging you in any way. Nor do I say any of this with malice or, any other negative connotation which may be implied, because I do understand and appreciate that you were trying to do your best for your friend, whom you've known for many years.

Regardless of your friends situation, you did this to your Mum during what may be the most vulnerable period of her life so far. That was unfair. Your mother not only loves you but, she clearly adores you. Not many parents house AND employ their junkie kids (for whatever the reasons, I think you'll mostly find the opposite). You made a mess, then allowed it to fester for over a week. Only you (when you finally admit it to yourself) know the true extent of the craziness you exposed your Mum to for that length of time but, you have dropped hints. I shudder to think of the hostile environment your Mum found herself in the midst of. Then, when her son showed little sign of clearing up his mess, Mum did what Mums do: She got out her big broom and swept the mess right out of her house. Then (when you finally admit it to yourself) even though you were relieved, you heaped opprobrium on your Mum:"Despite some discussion" plus the bit about Mum thinking you hung up on her.
In turning this situation around to learn from it, one thing you must ask yourself is: What did Mum do to deserve this? Forget about friend. Forget about you & friend. Ask why, when she is so very ill, possibly lonely, more than likely scared witless, why does her beloved son reward her 24 years of attentive love and affection with an uninvited weapons grade guest? Once you've truthfully examined the answer (pushing all distracting, excusing self pity aside) take your relationship with your Mum forward by loving and caring for her as much as she does you, perhaps even a little more, while you've still got time. Please, DON'T take your mother's health for granted. I really hope you both have many years to look forward to spending with each other.
I wish you both peace in your lives.
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Posting from a phone is the worst.

I totally get where you're coming from and trust me, I understand that my Mother is important and she's having a tough time. I do my best to remind her daily to take her meds, eat at regular intervals, to avoid anything too acidic, etc. I notice when she loses a couple lbs and can see when she feels well or not, that way I can convince her to call the Dr and ask some questions or whatever. I really try my best. It's not like I just sit here all day abusing my privilege of living and working at home. I cook, I clean, I pretty much do everything around the house and that's fine with me.

My issue with my Mother is she doesn't seem to have the ability to have a calm discussion. She insisted we talk in front of my siblings(17 & 20) and I asked her if we could discuss privately first. I have a real hard time with being open and honest with people, not that I lie, just that I don't talk. Not that you couldn't tell from my paranoia extending all the way to what this girl said to random people at the NYE party. Again, that was really my issue and I'm aware. My point being is that my Mom knows this and she knew I would refuse to talk about it in front of them and THAT is why she insisted on it. I'm sure of it. It's frustrating. As for as weapons grade guest, she's a little nutty, for sure, but my Mother doesn't even come out of her room 99% of the day, so there was minimal interaction at least.

Anyways, even before my Mother kicked her out, I told this girl that she couldn't stay indefinitely, I was thinking something like 2 weeks, but that's beside the point know. She understands and isn't mad at me, I don't think, for it. We just have differing opinions on what the best path forward is.

tomdpimp said:
How about you two sit down and talk about what you and her actually want? Do you want a relationship or not? Better yet, why do you live at home this long? Maybe this is also fears you have about starting over?
Click to expand...

We have, but it's been like 10 days and it's all been a bit hectic, thus why she needs some time/space to figure out what she wants. Do I want a relationship, I think so, but obviously I have concerns.

To answer your next question:

After I got clean, which happened while I was staying here, I started working for my Mother. 3-4 months later, she was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, giving her about a 50/50 chance of being alive in 5 years. She's responding well to treatment, but that's just right now. Anyways, as I started working more and more, showing that I'm fairly competent at emailing people I guess, lol. Now the business is mine and between that and my Mom's SSDI checks, that's what keeps the lights on and the hot air blowing through the vents.

Up until Jan 2013, we were basically a subsidiary/subcontractor working for a single parent company, but now we've split off and it's our own thing. Unfortunately, we haven't made much money the past year, but sometimes you need to put in the work before it starts paying off. It seemingly has started to pick up with our financial "pipeline" looking more lucrative. My point is I was broke as shit all year working for what was maybe $800/month at best and I work on commission so it's sporadic.

If the next 6 months goes well, I could probably afford my own place, though the area I'm in isn't exactly cheap with a tiny 1br apt costing a minimum of $700-800/month not including utilities. If I made closer to $1800-2k/month, I could swing it, but less than that, factoring in utilities, food, gas, ins, internet, phone and I have my own place, but I'm not putting any money away.

On top of that, my Mother and I have discussed purchasing a home in my name due to the impending foreclosure of the home we live in now. It likely won't happen for another few years due to her bankruptcy, but this isn't a complete gift to me, more like she'll help with the down-payment and pay the mortgage while she's living there, then I'd take over payment when she died, not to sound morbid or anything. This also provides a place for my youngest brother(17) to live for free if the worst occurs, with my Mother knowing her life insurance money would keep us afloat long enough for him to get through college if need be.

My Father is an option for him, but he's a grade A asshole sometimes that has fought my Mother tooth and nail over every penny in court...seeing as he's an attorney and that costs him nothing and costs my Mother A LOT. In order to make this work, I have to be saving money, at least $10-15k by 2018. No small feat for me.
 
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