got kicked out of rehab

[drug_wench]

i just got through 5 weeks of rehab but was discharged 2 days ago.

in the past every rehab ive been to has been a disaster zone for me - the longest i managed to stay was 5 days. i just never seemed to be able to handle the commitment, the discipline, having to face things about myself i didnt want to face, and being without drugs.

this time, after another stint in medical detox, i was so thoroughly sick of my life on methadone and growing heroin habit, i thought having to get up each morning to sit through classes about managing a drug-free life was something i could do for 8 weeks - and i started to actually enjoy the program, yet strangely, its like i wanted to be kicked out.

even though i hadnt used anything but opiates for months before detox, once there was a restriction on me using anything its like the rebel in me came out to play. i never intended to quit everything but had intended to go 8 weeks completely abstinent as this was what the program required.
but somewhere along the line i decided to have a joint, and by then id already been shooting mistys (morphine) here and there to ease the cravings for heroin. i know, justification.

sadly, a few days after having that toke, we were all drug-tested - which i knew did happen, but others were telling me it was rare. this was just after new years i guess.
i knew i was also going to test positive for opiates, because id shot mistys, and taken a panadeine for a headache, some time over those last 3 days (we werent allowed to take panadeine). however i thought that having the codeine turn up in my urine would hide the fact that id used straight morphine, which is a little less explainable.
so i went through to my counsellor before the test and told her what would turn up and 'why' (ie. admitting to everything but the mistys).
looking back, i should have been honest - drugs are drugs - but i guess i saw it as 'well im here for an opiate addiction - it sure isnt going to look good if i tell them ive used morphine...its ludicrous not being allowed panadeine, and at least pots a soft drug', and i didnt want them to start questioning me about whether or not id used mistys during my time there up til then.
they let me stay due to my 'honesty'. fuck i felt like a worm.

a few weeks later, at the end of a long week, having had more evenings on the nod, i was called up to see the counsellor and program coordinator. it turned out theyd sent my test in to a lab for more advanced results. the results were back and it turns out you cant hide the fact that youve used morphine by taking codeine on top of it. so i spilled.
they said they couldnt decide what to do about the situation just like that and that theyd hold a meeting with me and some other staff on monday.
that had my guts in knots so i just said it was ok, id leave.
they said they wanted me to think that over too though, that they werent kicking me out at that stage, that it was my decision whether to come back or not.
my counsellors last words were 'do you think you can get through this weekend without using?'
im not dependent on mistys - im on suboxone for fucks sake - so i agreed that if i did decide to return on monday i wouldnt use that weekend.

i hate making decisions and was really anxious about the meeting that monday, so after tossing turning and telling myself id stay then taking it back, on saturday i told myself id make the decision easy, smoked some weed and blasted some oxy. then realised immediately that i did want to return, that i was definitely a sick puppy in need of rehab.
at the same time i wasnt going to lie - god knows if theyd have tested me or not, they didnt get a chance, but omitting the truth sure hadnt been getting me anywhere.
so i rocked up there that monday morning, shaking in my shoes, and admitted to my wrong-doings.

of course they booted me out. they were very nice considering id wasted their time, maybe because i was honest this time, and they said id come a long way in other ways, which i guess i have.
i dont know why i seem to be so naturally self-sabotaging - its bizarre.
using mistys because im a sucker for morphine is one thing. smoking pot once because its the holiday season is another. but doing drugs to get kicked out of rehab? i dont even like IV oxy - its a bit of an unpleasant sensation IMO, and i knew from past experiences that i was going to hate it.
but there you have it - i got myself kicked out of rehab, purposefully. when i was getting something out of rehab.
and i wish i could take it back because i think i bloody needed the help!!!

anybody else prone to these self-sabotaging behaviours? ive been told its an 'addict' thing but it just looks crazy from where i stand.

 

[T. Calderone]

So your rehab stint was out-patient? They do have them here in the states but all the ones I've been in were strictly in-patient. Meaning once you're admitted, they got you and you are thoroughly searched for contraband as are your visitors. It's too easy to slip up and that's why they prefer to keep you there.

Can you get into a different program? It seems you can't do this on your own. There's just too much temptation when left to your own devices.

 

[RedLeader]

That's unfortunate about the test. I'm guessing that they went looking for non-morphine metabolites in your urine specimen (norcodeine for codeine, etc) and found nothing to suggest that you used something other than straight morphine. Did you actually take a dose of codeine before the test? If not, that's where you went wrong. If you're going to go through the motions of the test like this, then make sure to take enough codeine as well (since the lab can look at metabolites and make a claim as to which drug triggered the preliminary positive in the initial urine screen).

Yes, to answer your question, I've self-sabotaged before in programs like this. Well maybe not exactly like you did, but I've manipulated the drug-testing procedures to death before and took on loads and loads of unnecessary stress just to cover up isolated use of my DOC. It's not worth it, clearly no, but in our warped minds it makes sense at the time.

I have a very hard time doing things like this on other people's terms. I can be 99% dedicated to my recovery, but still will end up getting into problems because I am unable to surrender to the program. I'm stubborn enough to think that I can teach myself the discipline of being a recreational user of substances (in private, nobody knowing that I'm also trying to do this) concurrently as the program teaches me that my life will be better if I can work my way past the addictions. I don't like feeling out-of-control and take the idea of complete surrender to mean that I'm a fuck-up, a failure, and this isn't comfortable for me while trying to quit. Yes, this is all part of the uncomfortable truths that I need to confront in treatment, alas I just feel like I'm going off-course if so much time is dedicated to this stuff and not toward the real uncomfortable stuff from my younger years that creates the anxiety and PTS that causes me to want to self-medicate. I would want to be in treatment to learn to live with my past and not for some battle against drug tests and my ability to abstain or manipulate in controlled environments, but I'm sure that this is is a main part of the bullshit that gets me there in the first place. I just feel like working through my life-long struggles is a noble enough effort, but this petty stuff isn't what I really went to treatment for in the first place, and should works itself out if I get the major help for the major problems.

Sounds like you need in-patient rehab as far away from home as possible. You need a place where controlled use/relapsing isn't going to be an option, and you have no choice but to put the drugs completely aside for those 30 or 90 or however many days. If there's a will, then there's typically a way. You're going to continue having the will to get high (we all do as drug-addicts). It's extremely hard to have some magic switch go off in your head the first day of treatment. If you really want to get help (and it sounds like you are ready), then I think you need to structure a program for yourself that eliminates the ability to tap-dance around the rules. For me, this would be in-patient rehab sufficiently far away.

Keep busy as well. I know that I had a lot of down-time at rehab, which meant that my mind had a lot of time to think itself into trouble. For me, it was extremely hard to find things to do at that facility (especially with the curfew, rules about lights going out at a certain time, and so on). But you need to have a plan for how you're going to stay busy from the minute you wake up until the minute you go to bed. I often found that helping others was something I could do as much as I could to keep myself focused on something (and on something that helped with my self-confidence). The past few dozen times I've used, I've done it after sitting around bored for hours and finally making the mental agreements with myself that I needed to in order to go out and make the purchase. You've always been one to really do everything you can to try and help others. Sure, the drugs (especially the opiates) make us lazy, but often that first step is the only really difficult one. Find someone who is also struggling with addiction (though maybe not with your DOC when it's still this early), ask that person about his/her passions and goals, and try and brainstorm with that person on ways to get back into those interests. You'll feel good about yourself knowing that someone's appreciating your efforts to help, and you just might find a few new interests for yourself as well!

 

[Effuzion]

Look at it as progress. Longest you'd made it before was 5 days, and now you've managed to go 5 weeks. No one gets rid of an old habit completely on their first try or even their first 100 tries.

If you really want to quit, check into another rehab. One where you won't have access to needles and drugs.

 

[OverDone]

I miss you, girl!

Don't fuck with yourself over this. It happened. Its over. Can you get treatment at another facility? How about meetings?

You were critical in helping me get help and during the process, you spoke the truth in a compassionate way.

Sometimes it takes further suffering (like you've just experienced) to make us realize what we not only want but also need.\

Check this out..

i hate to say it but uve got to stop the 'neverending high' now
mate, ive bn where uve bn (sort of) - ok i wasnt on IV coke (regularly anyway) but i banged at least 3 grams of meth a day and i used that stuff for 8 yrs
no its not easy to stop - yes im still fucking obsessed with it
but its better than owing dealers, BEING a dealer, selling myself, etc, etc
...
...
...
thats wen its good to go to a 12-step fellowship like maybe CA (cocaine anonymous) - and dont knock it till uve tried it! ull meet ppl there going thru the same old bullshit, who can give u advice and truly care about wat ur going thru
i cud take a leaf out of my own book actually - i havnt bn going to enough NA meetings lately and consequently ive bn craving meth like nothing else
btw the cravings ease up as time goes on
if u dont want to take that advice (a lot of ppl wudnt) then plz do urself a favour and put urself in rehab
PM me if u need someone to talk to whos kind-of bn there

...
go thru the withdrawals
go to rehab
go to NA
u will get a lot of hugs at NA

Love you! Its time to take care of YOU now.

 

[Get2Think]

Honestly TC that self-sabotaging and 'making crazy decisions' is not even you doing any of that, it's the disease. That is what addicts do I'm afraid, we use in the face of inevitable consequences. That is what I find so discouraging about living as an addict. You can go to a inpatient rehab, spend 6 months to a year there doing so well and completely changing yourself into a sober optimistic force for good. And then you leave rehab and are doing for a week, maybe 2, and then your old buddy calls you up and tells you about some slammin party out in the woods and he mentions theres gonna be chicks. So you tell yourself, I'll drink a litt,e maybe smoke a little weed, but in my experience if your a true blue addict what you tell yourself and what you actually do (when it comes to drugs) is never the same. Best case scenario you drink in moderation, and smoke weed, I doubt you'll leave that behind at the party. You'll carry it back with you into your everyday life. And then one day, something happens, and all of a sudden your coping heroin, coke, crack, or whatever. And the high is so amazing, like finally that sweet release you needed. Boom, the cycle continues. Thats why they say there is no cure in AA, it's seriously a disease and I know firsthand how hard it is living with it day in and day out. I've found %100 abstinence from all mind altering drugs is the easiest way to go (minus coffee). But even that is hard and not without downsides. I really feel for ya TC. But don't give up because when you play the hard-drug game the house always wins in the end, one way or the other.

 

[Kerrigan]

Why were you going to rehab in the first place?
It just seems like an awful lot of time, money and effort for the hollow promise of happiness; kind of like the whole religion bullshit with less praying and exponentially more boredom.

the program teaches me that my life will be better if I can work my way past the addictions

This.

Will it really be better?

I see people upset about going to these rehabilitation facilities where they pay to be verbally abused and made to feel shame and guilt for their natural impulses. I would rather the world were a little more accepting and less desirous of labels to give people than to do that for someone other than myself, for whilst people are always willing to beg you to change, it's never for your benefit, it's always for them. Less "I don't want you to die of an overdose" than "I don't want to have to worry about you potentially dying of an overdose, 'cause it's really very irritating and annoying to me, and I just can't accept that you like using drugs". Nobody wants to die, but we're all going to bloody-well do it. But it's not enough to be locked up for a little while: they have to hook you into going on forever about how contrite you are for such sinful and disgusting behaviour.

Smoking weed?
Taking codeine-based pain-killers?
Those sorts of rules are a joke.

It all makes me sad. But nothing I say will even matter: I would literally have to do something awful to get anyone's attention and to have an opportunity to speak instead of having someone else trying to manipulate or in some way affect my decisions. Living in this place is really fucking depressing from time to time, and you, Drug_Wench, how have they wasted their time? I hope that so-called treatment was free and you didn't pay those lecherous thieving bastards a single cent, 'cause all they want is to make money out of your desire for short-term happiness.

Can it not just be alright to take drugs? I accept that addiction is dangerous and annoying, but I've yet to meet an individual working at one of these places who actually gives two fucks.
Still, if anyone can prove me wrong, please do. Just I don't think you deserve to feel guilty or in any way unhappy, Drug Wench: you made your choices, you got high whether you enjoyed it or not, and I could accept you like that, but going through "rehabilitation" to the end isn't going to make any dreams come true, it's not going to magically change anything, and it seems that you don't want to stop using drugs, the unfortunately-illegal ones that you like so much. Do you like yourself? I'd smile if you didn't hate yourself.

I mean that. Because you are not a bad person from my point of view. I'm not being sarcastic: I literally would be happier if I knew you liked yourself instead of feeling negative and pointing all of those feelings inwards.

 

[quaff]

^

this time, after another stint in medical detox, i was so thoroughly sick of my life on methadone and growing heroin habit, i thought having to get up each morning to sit through classes about managing a drug-free life was something i could do for 8 weeks - and i started to actually enjoy the program, yet strangely, its like i wanted to be kicked out.

Guessing heroin.

Like others have said, you're making progress, so don't get too pissed off at yourself for getting kicked. Have you tried NA meetings? Might be something to look at until you're ready for rehab again. If you have access to counseling give it a try. You don't even have to talk about the drug use, sometimes just getting all the other little stuff off your chest makes you strong enough to deal with the bigger things.

 

[westsidejunkie]

(this is DW btw, ive decided to throw away that account, for my own reasons)

youve all given very helpful, and thought-provoking, advice, so thanks.

unfortunately, theres no hope of going to a rehab program thats not in my area - over here, the free treatment programs usually only take people who live locally, except odyssey house and im not going back there...that was a horrible place. picture boot camp. and its in my area anyway.
residentials not really an option for me at the moment either, though the program i was at had a residential facility. its pointlessly placed down the road from my dealers anyway, so if i want to go out (and were allowed to) i can stop in at his place and fix if i really want to.
theres another program out my way but im not eligible for it because im on prescription meds (for valid reasons), and they wont even allow me in on my epilepsy meds. theyre a very over-the-top place - you cant even drink coffee there!
ive got too many responsibilities at home to be going residential again - somebodys got to look after my horses, and even though i dont ride them enough, i dont know that i could live that long away from them. i get more claustrophobic the further from the country i get too. it causes me unbearable panic if i cant get away from such a busy place.
this particular program is ideal for me, because committing myself to staying at rehab is such a challenge.

RL, interestingly id definitely taken the panadeine after the morphine so im not 100% sure how they had me figured out there - i thought itd save my ass - but they must have taken levels or something.
i guess im also stubbornly trying to teach myself how to use substances recreationally without problems resurfacing. i suppose i find it near-impossible to surrender to powerlessness over all substances, because i dont seem to be powerless over all of them - there are drugs i use with seemingly no problems. many of the ones ive had disgusting habits of pigging out on in the past have become completely unenjoyable (eg. crystal meth, coke, booze), and although for some reason this doesnt stop me from using them here and there with friends, i never feel like scoring more when theyve run out.
ive never reached this point with opiates, so instead of telling myself 'your a fucking drug addict, its stupid to even hope you can keep using without ending up sicker than you are', i keep doggedly hoping if i just avoid heroin, which i really cant get a grip on because its one drug i cant stand using round other people, and set myself 'boundaries' as far as other opiates go (dont use alone, only buy so much at a time, dont bring home any thats left over, dont use if youve used yesterday, etc), eventually either the desire to stop using will develop, or ill have mastered the art of sensible drug use!

OD, your a darling and im really pleased the advice i gave you helped. sadly im not so good at taking my own advice!
that year (i assume that was when i posted that) i was clean, but i hadnt done a rehab program. instead id stayed at a halfway house and was doing NA meetings passionately. i still love NA.
they say the only requirement to be an NA member is to have the 'desire to stop using'. i find this hard because i honestly do not yet have that desire, but i have the 'desire to have the desire'. i hope this is enough for now.

kerrigan, that was definitely food for thought. your certainly right in that i dont want to stop using yet, and your right in that im hard on myself.
i dont know if i do like myself. i dont hate myself, i dont hate anybody...but ive always been uncomfortable in my own skin, and other addicts talk about this.
i thought i wanted to be completely clean prior to rehab (id never pay to attend one - private rehabs have shocking prices). i did enjoy the program and learnt a lot about myself, but one of the things i learned is that no, i dont 100% want to stop using. i dont see anything wrong with the odd joint, and if you have a nasty headache why the fuck cant you take a codeine-based painkiller? for that matter, if you can handle it, whats wrong the odd night up on meth? these are all things i seem to be able to handle. currently.
i dont know if i wouldnt just switch drugs of choice if i was to quit opiates though. stranger things have happened, and ive cross-addicted in the past (in intermediate school i binged on dexies and smoked a lot of pot...but when i discovered alcohol and cocaine, those were near-abandoned...and it was relatively easy to moderate my drinking and coke use when i started using meth and opiates).
i was desperate before detox (and had to go to rehab to be allowed into detox, so there was some manipulation going on too, though i was willing to give it a go). i owed thousands of dollars (still do) in smack, my veins were packing up, my health was going to shit with regular hospital visits for infections, bad tastes, etc. and my tolerance was only climbing. i was also sick of being on methadone and ready to get off it and try suboxone.
i guess at that stage i thought i was ready to stop - that id hit rock bottom.
and i think a lot of my problem drug use is tied in with the fact im not comfortable with who i am, or happy with my life.
what i liked about rehab was the fact that it didnt just deal with the drug issue, it dealt with the issues behind the drug abuse, including my issues with myself as a person. the theory was, learn to be comfortable as 'me' and the drug issue should become easier to deal with.
it was a spiritual program but not religious, which i like, personally. as long as im not told what to believe in, id prefer a spiritual program to a heartless place like odyssey.

in conclusion, at the moment things are pretty messy. suboxone itself makes me anxious, coming off it makes me anxious and dopesick - im coming off it too fast because id almost prefer to be dopesick than on the stuff.
and its not working. ive now lapsed with heroin twice, and my use of other opiates isnt where id like it to be. i do break the 'boundaries' i set myself.
i spent last night guiltily pinning mistys (alone) to ease the anxiety, fought with my mother in the morning, which gave me an excuse to go off and use smack.
after coming round i thought it over and have decided im going to switch back to methadone and continue to wean off that. i wont have to go on more than 20mg this time to start with. im down to 20mg suboxone.
its not going to stop me using, or even curb the desire, but i dont find the side effects quite as bad, and without the same anxiety levels ive removed at least one justification.
im lucky rehab are willing to take me back - they treated me well, and tbh i put 110% into everything but staying clean, when i was there.
on the other hand i really would be wasting their time going back if i didnt wait til i do want to quit everything.
so i can only keep using as little as possible, going to meetings and praying for the desire to stop using, because when it comes down to it thats the problem.
deep down i know im playing with fire using anything, especially opiates. i dont know if i 100% agree that every addict has to avoid every substance without ending up hooked, but i can only find out where i stand in that scheme of things by continuing to use...and while itd be better to just not use, id need to really want to quit to quit. i definitely identify with the disease model - im an addict through and through.

anyway, im rambling. thanks again for your help.

 

[The_Rogue]

No advice dear, but I wanted to send a little your way.

 

[onetwonine]

How the fuck were you able to access all that in rehab..

In my opinion if you want rehab to work for you, leave your hometown.

The facility I went to was in a different city. I'm no stranger to cold copping but its much harder to get high that way. They also took all my money and put it away, all our food and smokes were provided for.

I would essentially have had to hustle, then cold cop if I planned on getting high. There was barely any time to do anything alone. If you have even the slightest desire to be clean, stuff like that should prove enough of a barrier to you getting high.