Goose (Part III)

(Continued from previous entry)

"Why are you laughing?" he inquired calmly. I thought about it, and could only say that I did not really know. I double-checked myself again, just like I did when we were in the car. Here I was with a stoner who calls himself "Goose" who managed to single-handedly, without using any aid, to conquer my body and mind and subjugate them to his will and whim, and was now holding me in such a position of weakness because he simply can. This was as real as it was ridiculous; it was happening. And I told him how I felt.

This continued for a while, and I felt such an altered state of mind (toke of cannabis notwithstanding). I felt as though all social norms have broken down, and that the only rules that exist are the rules that he made. I genuinely and sincerely felt that I can do anything I wanted so long as it was ok by his rules and his rules only. He confirmed this by repeating that he makes all the rules and that I'm fucked if I don't follow them. It occurred to me that perhaps he is psychic, which at the time was plausible given his apparently superhuman strength. Whimsical as these thoughts may be, the go to show just how deep into surrender unto his will I have gone, and just how believable this power was. It was as if for these couple of hours I had become a convert to a new religion whose deity was now in total control of my pain and pleasure.

I believe that after that, repeating that I am to go by his orders, he simply let me go. And the difference was clear: I have been broken and am now completely at his command. He then proceeded into yet another ranting soapbox about how stupid people are, which he managed to get into through the conversation we had following his question about my laughter, teasingly pausing every now and then and interjecting with a tangential story and the odd silly fact that I found myself laughing hysterically about, but this time I wasn't restrained: I had to lie down and listen, because this seemed to be what he wanted and he didn't command me yet to do anything else. This lasted for the duration of a cigarette which he smoked while talking, now with his hands free.

He was finally done, and finally ordered me to suck his cock. I felt ecstatic, as though I got the reward I'd been so patiently waiting for all that time. I do not think I had ever enjoyed every single moment of sucking a dick as I have then. It didn't take him long for the moaning to turn into screaming, and I knew something big was going to happen. And indeed, he pulled me by the hair to his belly and placed my mouth directly under his dick, and proceeded to spray a most gorgeous creamy load into my mouth, which tasted better than any other that I had tasted.

After that I tried to coax him into trying to cum again but he was clearly exhausted. After much discussion (he was blown away by the fact that we were going at it for at least four hours and that he came three times yet I wanted more...), he finally asked me to let him take a map and not to be afraid to wake him up and see if he'd rested. I ended up patiently waiting beside him as he drifted into deep sleep. I couldn't get myself to wake him up as the hours passed, but I also couldn't get myself to sleep in all the excitement, and found myself waiting until late in the next morning when he woke up to the alarm and drove me back home. He was obviously still very burnt up as he still resisted any implication of going at it again that day. It appears that I, too, was very burnt up (or shocked, probably both) that I felt completely brain-dead on the way home.

But despite all this, in the end, I can easily say that this was the most satisfying sex I'd ever had. I am still completely bewildered that I actually found this formerly-theoretical man who actually knew how to utterly dominate me simply by being himself and using his bare hands.

He did drop several references about "next time" on the drive back, which definitely has me sizzling in excitement as I write this. I really hope this works out... and doesn't turn into another instance of Lucky (see entry from a year ago), who managed to shatter my heart enough to turn me away from humanity for a good part of the following year.

But anyway, I do hope I get to learn more about this "Goose" who changed my life soon, as I know very little from our conversations which did not involve him endlessly ranting, but I doubt I will as I think he uses obscurity as one of the tools in his arsenal of power...

Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed!

 

Actually, it kind of scared me a bit. I'm the first to admit that I've never understood heavy dom/sub play, but to me it read like this Goose fellow is a sociopath. Possibly psychopath. I guess as long as you are actually able to walk away when you want to, but I get the impression that Goose won't take no for an answer. Ever.

Be careful.

 

You may have a point. I'll write an afterthought in a few and I'd really appreciate if you can elaborate on your opinion when I post it

 

Well I can't wait till I write an afterthought, lol. I appreciate the external output as I know my view is extremely clouded: I am as intoxicated with power here as one would be intoxicated with love in an intense vanilla session.

I can understand how someone who is not into BDSM can find this story scary. This kind of stuff is not for everyone and requires a very specific kind of thinking. You have to keep in mind that if you are so ready to pathologize his behaviour, then you must as well pathologize mine, because the dom/sub scenario as a sexual act takes two in order to work properly, otherwise it becomes rape or abuse. Everything that happened here was perfectly consensual, including the parts that are, in fact, nonconsensual. In other words - that was the point. I actually asked him to do all this to me by giving him certain keywords and hints. He filled in the blanks through empathy - simply by being so sensitive to my reactions and finding out exactly what I wanted without us exchanging a single word in talking. THAT is in fact what makes it so exciting.

However, I intentionally left out the parts when he was ranting while holding me down, where he kept making tongue-in-cheek remarks about "what if, WHAT IF... I were to kill you?" that frankly even freak me out a bit now, but at the time he said it he knew full-well how altered my state of mind was through arousal and, at the time, even these creepy remarks were consensual. Besides, I do recognize these creepy remarks as yet another way to assert absolute power (which is what I asked him to do).

But again to be fair, he did take no to many things. For example, he accepted that I didn't feel like being introduced to watersports (piss) that night. I also couldn't express in writing how every single move of hiss seemed to be calibrated percisely to be synched to my own pleasure/pain signals. He was so utterly and absolutely thorough in reading me and knowing EXACTLY how much to do and when to stop. However, the very fact that he's so empathic probably means that he also knows very well what my vulnerabilities are and how to exploit them.

I don't know about being a sociopath, but he definitely comes off as a difficult person to deal with in daily-life. I get the impression that he was extensively bullied when he was younger as there was a point where he "connected" with me as being a fellow outcast.

However, one thing is for sure - and that is that I know very, very little about him, and I know for sure that he is at least physically far stronger than I am, putting me in a very easy to exploit position.

But yet again, on the other hand, the fact that he becomes more or less an avarage joe out of the bedroom makes him very similar to me - as you can see here, my true sexual side is completely incongruent with my day-to-day life, and it seems that both of us (and indeed, most kinky folk) tend to release our dark sides - consensually - in the bedroom which, IMO, is healthy. You have to keep in mind that I am pretty familiar with this culture and know a fair bit about its deeper mechanics which aren't too appealing to the ordinary onlooker. I actually matured earlier (sexually) to bondage and domination than I did to even blowjobs, with which I used to cover my eyes whenever they popped up between the pictures of men tying each other up. Heh, maybe I was a fucked up kid

We'll see. I'll definitely try my best to keep cautious. I'd still appreciate if you can elaborate more, though .

 

Interesting story. Here's what I think, but keep in mind that I don't know anything about bdsm or gay sex. I'm going to try to look at this from a "harm reduction" angle. First, you ( or any submissive who meets up with sometone they don't know, for that matter) put yourself into a potentially dangerous situation. You don't know anything about Goose or his background. You don't know his name, whether he has a possible violent criminal background, and you sound like you didn't get any "references" -- check with other subs who have dealt with him -- he could be a serial killer, abusive, or a genuinely nice guy and a good dominant. My understanding of BDSM, scant as it is, is that people should check up on this information before getting involved. That also goes for any kind of intimate relationship, I suppose. (I wish I had taken my own advice before getting involved with a couple of my own x's.) I think that if you knew more about him, you would be more assured, trust him more as a dom, relax, and overall, have an even better experience (though it sounds like you had a good time).
Second, do you have some sort of "safe word?" For example, if he goes too far in one of his grappling holds, you say the agreed upon word and he stops?

 

I don't have any opinions besides the fact that you are an EXCEPTIONAL writer!

I'm a straight dude but I found this entry to be rather erotic.

You are definitely more adventurous than I could ever be, gay or straight!

 

"I'm a straight dude but I found this entry to be rather erotic. "
haha me too.
I agree on your being a great writer jam. Maybe that (writing) is what you ought to get into professionally.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words, guys! I really, sincerely do appreciate your comments about my writing - writing is my only good tool for creative expression, so it is nice to know that I do it properly

As for safety, I definitely realize that what I did is a very risky thing. I think I'm a bit disturbed now by the fact that the very danger involved was part and parcel of the erotic nature of the experience. This Goose seems to have located my achilles heal which I wasn't too sure about previously, and the strangest part is that now that I know it, I have the desire to expose it to more doms...

Btw, re: Safe Word - in my previous brushes with kink, I always had one. Yet here it seems like there was a self-destructive streak involved.. I actually *chose* not to bring it up, and yes that was absolutely stupid . That is definitely something I'd want to rectify next time I talk to him (if I do...).

Will write a followup shortly.

Thanks again guys!

(Must say I'm a bit surprised that all guys and no gals responded, hehe).

 

Heya Jam,

First of all, I forgot to compliment your writing. Fiction or non, your style is always very evocative, and I think that was why I had that first knee-jerk reaction.I felt like I was there.

I was thinking about it today while doing some mundane somethingorother. The reason that I'm concerned can be summed up in one word: escalation. Now, I'm pretty well kink-naive, not that I wouldn't be interested in exploring it, but in baby steps. My limited understanding of BDSM, and please correct me if I'm wrong, is that at its core is essentially intensity of experience. This in turn is related to novelty; repeated experiences become less intense pretty quickly, so newer and more intense experiences need to be sought out.

I'm perfectly willing to take your word that this guy means you no actual ill, and that this is strictly a sexual thing with little more than surface physical damage, but what happens when you get bored of this? What's next? It's hard to think of being bored of something this thrilling when you're in the thick of it, but it's human nature.

If you haven't read it, read Douglas Coupland's Life After God. It's a collection of semi/pseudo-autobiographical stories, in Coupland's usual style and dealing with his usual themes. One of the stories revolves around a character who earns his living as a prostitute, but secretly likes getting stabbed. He'd pick up rough guys, piss them off, and try to get stabbed or cut. But he's getting bored of it, and aspires one day to get shot. Then he disappears.

That I think is more my concern. You've admitted that you put yourself in what could have turned out to be a very dangerous situation, and that was part of the thrill.

But then again, you're an adult, and you can take care of yourself just fine. I've no doubt of that. That's just what's going on inside my head when I think about what you wrote. It's likely completely out to lunch, but I am still a bit concerned. I don't want to lecture you though, and I'm sorry if I've come off sounding as though I have. In the end, I guess that I don't understand the motivation behind this.

I'm kind of tired, fluish, and jumbled right now, so my apologies if this didn't make much sense.