Goodbye, cold world. And good riddance.

I'm writing this as a final goodbye. I'd like to say it was nice knowing you all, but if there's one thing I've learned, it's that I can't trust anyone. Not my best friend, or the people on Bluelight, or even my own family. So I'm not going to sit here and be fake and pretend it was nice knowing you when you're all probably happy I'll be gone, and have probably been waiting for it to happen anyway.

There were a few times when I was inactive because my best friend tried to kill me and my grandma was dying. I made an effort to become more active when senior staff voiced their concern. I decided I wanted to step down from my position on NMI anyways and just moderate Trip Reports - I was told this was fine. Just last night, my grandma passed away, and I made it clear to everyone in all of the modthreads that I would have more time to devote to the site. In the same post, I stuck up for someone that Senior Staff notoriously has a problem with (for no reason, I might add - this person is a really good person and was one of the ONLY people who have truly been there for me these past few months... not a fucked up person the way senior staff makes him out to be.) I was NOT kicked off of staff for inactivity; if that had been an issue, I'd have been kicked off back in November, or even December at the latest. I was never inactive for a period of longer than a week or two. And since around the middle of December, I have made a concentrated effort to log on every day - I was told to stick around to help find NMI a new mod, to stick around to mod Trip Reports...

... and now that I actually have the time to do it and made it VERY CLEAR that I had the time to actually moderate every day from now on as opposed to logging on once a day to check the modthreads, I've been wrongfully kicked off staff. Not because of inactivity, but because I had my friend's back. Senior staff has decided to make an example out of me for being a good friend. One minute I'm being told to help the application process along and continue moderating Trip Reports... the next minute I'm telling them there's no need to rush, my grandma has passed and I have more time now... the next minute I'm sticking up for my friend that Senior Staff hates and was talking shit on... and then, BAM! Kicked off of staff. All for trying to be a good friend.

This world disgusts me. I'm literally sick to my stomach. I almost have no words. I wouldn't have any at all, if it weren't for all of the rage and betrayal I'm feeling right now.

So thank you, Bluelight, for finally letting me see how fucked up humanity is. There is no such thing as friends, or support, or understanding. Only selfishness and backstabbing. That's all there is in the world. Bluelight used to be a place where I felt like people cared... the one place where I felt like I didn't have to worry about being stabbed in the back... or have to worry about the people around me suddenly trying to kill me. But the truth is, Bluelight is just as bad. And if Bluelight is that way, a place that claims to be about harm reduction, then the way I see it... there's no hope in the world anywhere. And if that's the case, I no longer want to be a part of it. I've had enough of humanity. I've had enough backstabbing and bullshit to last me a lifetime, and I don't want to deal with it anymore. It's the straw that broke the camel's back, if you will.

Fuck this world. Fuck everyone in it. I'm out.

I can only hope I'll never have to see any of you backstabbing, fake bitches on the other side. That goes for everyone that's hurt me - my socalled best friend who tried to kill me, all the people who sexually abused me as a kid, all of my fake ass friends in the military who didn't have my back when I was raped, the fucking rapist himself, the people in my family who steal money from me, the rapist himself, the so-called "friend" who was hanging my case over my head in order to manipulate me into giving him rides and money, the detective who doesn't believe me, and every single other person who has ever hurt me. Far too many to name, so I'll just leave it at that. This message goes out to every single person in the world, minus the few I can count on one hand.

To the rest of you all, fuck you. Thank God I won't have to deal with it for much longer. If this is life, I don't want to be a part of it anymore. People are too fucked up. Situations are too fucked up. No one ever has your back. What the fuck is the point? There is none. If there's a hell, I've been living in it. Thanks for finally helping me figure that out. It's kind of freeing in a way.

Anyway, you won't be seeing me around anymore. You won't have to worry about me sticking up for people you hate and getting in your way anymore. Seriously, fuck this -- I'm gone for good. I cannot stand living in this shitty, fucked up world anymore that's full of shitty, fucked up people. You bitches got your wish, and then some. Hope you're happy. Good riddance.

 

Hey, I don't know you, but I'm sorry that you're going through what's obviously a difficult situation to say the least.

I feel as though I'm in no position to preach to you as you've obviously had a hard life, one that I can't possibly understand, but I hope that you will be able to trust people again and maybe find some hope.

 

i'm sorry about the experiences you've had and understand your frustration, but please don't do anything rash. i guarantee that there are plenty people on bluelight and off that would miss you if you made any sort of permanent decision. you can leave bluelight if you wish, but if you stick around and live your life a little more you WILL find something to live for, i promise.

much love

 

Sorry to hear your leaving xburtonchick I always enjoy reading your posts. Also thanks for being a mod it really is a thankless job as you no doubt have figured out. I wouldnt let the politics of the staff turn you off to bluelight as this site really isnt about them contrary to what they think. It sounds like you have some issues and I think you need to sit back take a deep breath and realize that what happens on an internet site is really quite trivial. Dont sweat the small stuff so much!

PLUR
Drew

 

xburton-- I don't know the details of your staff troubles, but it's not worth it. This is just the internet.

Check your PMs.

 

Okay - You've disabled PMs. I have no way of contacting you, so contact me. I want to hear more of what's up.

I'll miss you, and I'm sure that I'm not the only one.

PM me.

 

xburtonchic, I hope you are doing O.K. As others have said, BL is not worth getting this mad over, and you really shouldn't take it too personal. As for your removal, I obviously don't see what goes on behind the scenes, but I know that there is a policy in which they remove you for inactivity if you don't post for 30 days. Your post history shows that your last two posts were from December 11th, and then January 16th, so I wouldn't be too quick to dismiss your removal as part of staff policy since it was done after a month on inactivity. I'm just saying that to point out that it might not have been personal as you think it was, but I don't see what goes on behind the scenes anymore, and that month of inactivity seems to have been for good reason.

Anyway, I hope you're doing o.k. I always enjoyed corresponding with you, and I remember the PM exchanges that we have had before, and I always thought you to be a nice, cool, smart, pretty, caring, accomplished person.

 

Thanks everyone.

Honestly, it wasn't really about Bluelight so much as... everything else. I had just spent the whole day sitting with my dead grandmother who I had just watched die earlier that morning, waiting for the mortuary to come take her. And then I come home to an email that basically says the site is better off without me. Like, for real. That's exactly what it said, that they "discussed it" and "senior staff thinks the forums I moderate are better off". It pissed me the fuck off, needless to say, after everything I've done for Bluelight.

I know the official reason is that they're say it was for "inactivity". But that's all bullshit. I had been posting in the moderator forums and helping out there every. single. fucking. day. I had a lot of shit going on with me that they knew about, they knew why I wasn't posting welcome threads at the moment. But what really got me going was that I had JUST posted in the application modthread for NMI only a day earlier that I was planning on getting back into my mod duties as soon as I got back from my grandma's that day. Which I fully intended to do. Instead I log on to find out I was unceremoniously kicked off? What the fuck?

And I'll tell you this much, it had nothing to do with inactivity. My post count might say otherwise (how convenient for them), but apparently it doesn't reflect when you post in the staff threads. Which, like I said, I had been doing. It had to do with me sticking up for a certain ex-moderator who the senior staff hates in a modthread. That's it.

I guess I took it personally because I do have friends IRL on this site, so for me, it's not "just the internet". It stopped becoming "just the internet" when I started devoting hours of my day to moderating this site. I spent a fucking entire two weeks updating TR's guidelines so they were perfect, countless hours doing thankless tasks like putting substance codes into trip reports, dealing with people's crap... and I get repaid with bullshit.

The senior staff on Bluelight are a bunch of heartless freaks. That's all I have to say. End of story. I don't care to associate with anyone on senior staff again - they just proved how much I should NOT trust any of them, and yes, they do think they are God's gift to the world for senior/admin moderating a fucking "harm reduction" website that seems to do more harm than good... to the lowly moderators anyway, despite the front they put on for the regular users. I'm over it. I don't hate Bluelight, just the people that run it.

It's funny that they threw the inactivity card at me though. I was inactive for a period of maybe a month or so. Not even an entire month, mind you. Just a few days, then I'd come back, then leave again. I was never inactive for a full month straight. While on the flipside, one of the mods in TR was inactive for THREE FUCKING MONTHS before they kicked him off... and they only did so because I asked them if we should start looking for a new mod. Then they were forced to look at his inactivity. Whereas I post one thing about how I had more time to start moderating more and that I planned on starting THAT SAME FUCKING DAY, and threw something in there about how a certain friend of mine that Sr. Staff hates isn't as bad as they think he is... and that's it.

Nope, it had nothing to do with inactivity. That was just a convenient excuse for them to use, since apparantly my posts only show the last time I posted on a public forum... not in the staff forums. Fuck them. Now I know why so many mods quit a few months back. I was still new and naive at the time, too bad I didn't learn earlier. Fuck it.

Thanks for the encouraging words and support everyone

 

awe if I was a mod that would probably piss me off too. Thinking these people in this community like me. It is a little more cliquey in OD than I'd like it to be ... Some of te mods aren't as perfect n nice as they think. But most are very nice. Keep posting here.... I am glad I clicked ur blog. I just tried k help u finaly register lol u ppsted in od, my home. Hope ur well.